Chapter 1: An Understanding
Never thought of her like this. Never thought of her with me. We come from different worlds, worlds apart in fact. She is a beautiful woman, with many family issues, which she hides behind a playful wink and a fake smile. And I am just a loner, with a rotten brain, a pair of dead fish eyes, and a monster of logic, bound in its cage, whispering sweet nothings in my ears. Taken together, we cannot be more unalike. But life is full of bitter ironies. Should have known better. Girls like her; No, there aren't any girls like her. I know better, now.
"You know what our problem is, don't you, Hikigaya-kun?" Haruno had asked me once.
"…"
I had stayed silent, tried to play dumb. Yes, I knew what the problem was. I also knew how it could be solved. But I knew: a problem wasn't a problem, until it became a problem. And so I stayed silent.
But she saw through me and gave me a soft smile, "It's not that we trust each other. I'm not saying that we do. But, what I think is, it's more about, how we don't trust ourselves with each other. Am I making any sense, Hikigaya-kun?"
"I don't think so, no." I had told her back then. But I understood her perfectly. And there was the beginning of our problem.
"Nope, I think I made perfect sense." Haruno had said coolly, amusement evident in her voice, "I don't think anyone else could understand this, but you are not just anyone are you, Hikigaya-kun? You are clever. Not like me, well at least not yet. But you have that beautiful mind of yours. I think I love your brain the most. What about you, what do you say?"
"…I say, that sounds a bit creepy, Yukinoshita-san."
I had tried to mask my uneasiness with dry humour. It hadn't worked as well as I had hoped. But I wasn't dealing with Yukinoshita. I was dealing with her elder sister and she was something else, altogether.
"It is what it is." Haruno had replied and then with a soft, almost tender caress on my cheeks, she had left, without even saying a proper goodbye. For the first time, I felt the importance of social contracts and common courtesies. Her 'hellos' and 'goodbyes', shouldn't hold such a significance over me. But they did and I found it a little problematic.
My problem was not falling in love with a girl. No, it was something different, altogether. It was mutual understanding; a perfect, clear, understanding of a girl, of the workings of her mind, of the cause and effect, of her every action and inaction, which affected her and everyone and everything, concerning her.
"Aren't you curious?" Haruno had asked me once, "Why I keep coming back to you, why I keep asking about, you and my dear Yukino-chan, about whether there has been any change or progress in your relationship, in the work you do for her service club. Haven't you ever wondered why I am so interested in the both of you? Don't tell me you haven't thought about this, Hikigaya-kun."
"…I have." I replied, using the fewest of words.
"And?" She one-upped me, even there.
"I think you are just worried about your little sister, Yukinoshita-san." I had explained to her back then. It wasn't completely a lie. "You are worried about her and as a result you are worried about me. Rest assured, I have no intention of impinging your sister's honour. Believe me, it was her first concern when Hiratsuka sensei, brought me to her service club."
"But, it not hers anymore, Hikigaya-kun." Haruno had explained in return, "The service club is yours too. I am guessing, Hiratsuka-sensei made a competition out of it. About who gets to solve more requests. About who wins the 'battle of the service club' or something equally silly. But tell me, Hikigaya-kun, what does the winner wins, at the end?"
"…I have no intention of winning, Yukinoshita-san." I had told her, immediately. Back then it was the truth.
"But you will, Hikigaya-kun." Haruno had said those words in a grave tone.
"…" I had stayed quiet. There was nothing, I could say to her at that point. It was all up to her.
The sigh leaving her lips, was disheartening, and it was for the first time, that I had seen anything close to defeat on her features, "It's a fact of life, that those who have no intention of leading an army into battle are more often than not, entrusted to lead them into victory at war. And those, who have no intention to win, are always the ones, presented with the biggest advantages, to test their resolve." I didn't think of this back then, but now, I think, she was talking more about herself than me, at that point in time, "Even if you don't do anything, even if you don't try to win, Yukino-chan losses and that's something you don't want on your conscience. Believe me, Hikigaya-kun."
"…I shall take your concerns into account, Yukinoshita-san." I had replied, haltingly.
Haruno had cast a mask of indifference by that point, "It's not only my concern, Hikigaya-kun." She had murmured into her cup of latte.
I had taken my leave, without saying anything else. Not even a goodbye. It didn't matter at that point, and for the first time, I felt like myself: Unconcerned.
She was never my concern. And I was never hers.
"Are you two at least friends?" Haruno had asked me once. "I mean, you two spend a lot of time together and I take it, Gahama-san, has become friends with Yukino-chan by this point. So what's stopping you from becoming her friend?"
"…She rejected me." I had replied, curtly.
"You confessed?" Haruno had asked, and it was the first time, I saw anything close to resembling mild shock and complete astonishment, flash across her beautiful face. I didn't think too much back then, when I called her 'beautiful' in my mind. She was a good looking woman after all and despite my rotten dead fish eyes, I wasn't blind in the face of beauty.
"No." I had replied, smoothly. "I simply asked, if she wanted to be friends with me. But she rejected my offer, even before I completed my sentence. It happened on the very first day we met in the service club."
"Oh," Haruno had said, sullenly. "…Well, that was a little mean of her."
"Yeah well. She's your sister." I had thrown in, derisively. Again, I should have thought this through. But I didn't. The monster of logic chided me. Told me, I should have kept my mouth shut. Uncomfortable silences were much better than idle chit chat. But I wasn't listening to him. I was listening to her
"Yes, she is." Haruno had said, affectionately, "We can't choose our sisters. But we can always choose, what kind of a sister, we want to be for them."
She had then smiled at me, and it was a smile, I was not used to seeing. It made me lower my guard and I never do something like that, especially when I am around her. "You understand right. You are an elder sibling too, aren't you, Hikigaya-kun?"
I had tried to look away, unsuccessfully, "Komachi is a much better little sister."
Haruno had laughed. It was nice. Nice and real, "We'll agree to disagree on that note, Hikigaya-kun."
"Yes, well, like you said to me once, it is what it is." I had said to her, a little awkwardly at first. I didn't want her to think, I remembered her every word, her every sentence like some sick creep. I found my voice soon after, and it was needlessly deep. "You should also know, Yukinoshita-san, that I don't intend to ask Yukinoshita to be friends with me in the future."
Haruno had smiled. "Must be difficult, no?" She had said in return, completely disregarding my statement, "Differentiating between me and my sister, when you are used to calling us both, by the same last name. It's only about the presence and lack of an honorific. Without it, there would be no difference between the two of us, when you talk about me and Yukino-chan."
"I manage just fine, Yukinoshita-san." I told her, emphasising her honorific for added effect. I didn't know where she was going with this, and I didn't have the strength of will to return back to the point I was making. I should have, but I didn't.
"I know you do, Hikigaya-kun." Haruno had replied then, "But, I'm just saying that, if you want, you can call me Haruno-san. Or a simple Haruno will do too."
I looked at her. "I don't follow." Confusion was evident in my features.
"Oh jeez! You are gonna make me say it, aren't you," Haruno had shaken her head, ruefully and then looked at me, with an open face.
For a moment, I thought, she was going to say something else. But she didn't and I felt annoyed. I don't know why. Instead she told me the obvious, like she didn't know I already knew it beforehand. But appearances needed to be kept, parts needed to be played and I was stuck playing the fool for her. "All I'm saying is, if you want, I can be your friend. And friends call each other by their first names, right?"
"…Right." I had mumbled, embarrassingly.
"Good. I'm glad we reached an understanding." Haruno had said, and on that note, she had gotten up and left. There was no exchange of goodbyes, no looking back. But at least there was an understanding and for me, it was better than anything else.
Yes, Haruno understood me better than anyone else. Not even her younger sister, the girl tasked to understand me and assimilate me, back into society, failed to comprehend me and deemed me for a failure.
"Oh cheer up, Hikigaya-kun." Haruno had said to me once. "I heard you had an interesting school trip. I don't know what happened, exactly, but I can see it has affected Yukino-chan severely, as well. If I didn't know any better, I would say, she confessed to you and you rejected her confession. But I am guessing that's not what happened."
"You guessed right, Yukinoshita-san." I had murmured to the textbook, sitting in front of me. There was nothing wrong in the essay, but sensei had told me to re-write it again. As if I didn't have anything better to do with my time.
"Oh? It must be serious. You are even trying to ignore me." Haruno had informed me and without any other reason, except to annoy me further, she had taken a hold of my jaw and forced me to look up, straight into her face. "I don't like it when you ignore me, Hachiman."
"I don't ignore you, Yukinoshita-san." I had told her firmly.
My entire face was balanced on her index finger and I wondered, whether I imagined the small caress of her finger, at the underside of my jaw line. There was a time, when I was always sure of myself. I don't know why I am not beginning to miss those days.
"Can you call me Haruno?" She had asked of me. For the first time, I heard the uncertainty in her voice. She was making a request of me. I don't know for sure but I think, she was as unsure as I was back then. This should have made me afraid. But I drew comfort from this unfamiliarity. We were both walking on thin ice.
"I can call you -" I was let down by my words. Looking back, this was the first time, Haruno called me by my first name. Previously, she had thrown it in the air, saying something about how we can be friends if I wanted and how friends should call each other by their first name. But it was proving to be difficult, to practice what we preach, "-Haruno-san-" The first time I said her first name, tasted it on my lips, and saw the soft expression on her face. "Sometimes." I didn't want to believe this. I didn't want to believe myself.
It was at a time, when I was hell bent on avoiding her or anyone with the last name 'Yukinoshita'. Both sisters were troublesome for different reasons and I didn't like to think of them, back then.
"I can call you, Haruno-san, sometimes." I repeated, more to reassure myself than her.
"Fair enough." Haruno had said to me. In all fairness, this was just unfair. "And as her elder sister, I apologize if Yukino-chan, said something terrible to you. She means well, she really does. But, she is not like you or me. Not like us."
"Like us?" I had asked, more than a little confused.
As far as I knew, Haruno was as different from me, as I was different from Yukinoshita. They were sisters. They had to share similarities. On the other hand, how can Haruno compare me with her? She is herself. And I am myself. We have to be different. The comparison should have been insulting to me, but for some reason it wasn't.
"Yes." Haruno had said, "We always know how to approach a situation, Hikigaya-kun. We know what needs to be done and more importantly, we know what cannot be done. The others might not like us for what we do, or how we do things, but they can't argue with the results. We get the job done. We get results. And at the end of the day that's all that matters."
I never wanted to play devil's advocate, but I couldn't pass up on the opportunity. "They say, the ends don't justify the means, Yukinoshita-san."
Haruno smiled. "They are right." She knew what I was doing. She saw the humour in this, "But, we don't get the luxury of an alternative choice, do we, Hikigaya-kun? If we did, they wouldn't come to us with their problems. It might be different. Maybe even better. But we wouldn't be ourselves. And if we aren't ourselves, we won't be relevant."
I sighed gravely, "I wish I was irrelevant."
"So do I, Hikigaya-kun." Haruno said softly, "Every single day."
It was funny really. Yukinoshita Yukino gave me up for a lost cause. 'Good riddance' the monster of logic had said. But Yukinoshita Haruno took me in: my ways, my methods, my plans, my schemes. The way I handled every single request, put forth before the service club, and in turn, put before my presence; they didn't revolt her like it did her younger sister. She told me to keep an eye on her precious little sister and before I could refuse, she left, leaving me flustered with a playful wink.
"Yukino-chan is at an important juncture in her life." Haruno had told me once. "For the first time, in her life, she is letting herself be surrounded by people, who genuinely care for her. There's Gahama-chan, who I misjudged early on, but I won't be making the same mistake again. She can be a force to reckon with, if presented with the proper incentive. I heard from Shizuka-chan, what she did during the student council election."
"I won't let, Yuigahama get mixed up in this." I said firmly. It was the first time, I stood up against her and for a moment, I thought, I had this backwards. But it was a very small moment. It escaped my grasp, before I could think on it.
"Oh?" Haruno had exclaimed, softly. There was a hint of humour in her tone, but I didn't find anything remotely funny. "Do you love her back, Hikigaya-kun?" Whenever we talked together, we often skipped over, unnecessary sentences. I guess, back then, she had decided to skip over the part, where Yuigahama, had fallen in love with me. I didn't think, there might be another reason.
"Yuigahama is a nice girl." I said, instead of answering her question, "Stay away from her."
"You didn't answer my question, Hikigaya-kun." Haruno had asked then. For the first time, I got a glimpse of her other side. The more demanding, more pressing persona. I was acquainted with the 'demoness of deceit ', but I don't like to think of ourselves as acquaintances. "Do you love, Yuigahama Yui?"
"…I care for her," I said, assertively. It was the best I could do, at that point of time. I needed a better understanding of my feelings.
"What about, Yukino-chan?" Haruno had asked afterwards.
"…I care for your sister too, Yukinoshita-san." I had replied. It was true as well. Despite my best intentions, Yuigahama Yui and Yukinoshita Yukino had managed to get close to me. For the time being, I didn't like to ponder on the nature of our closeness.
"And what about me?" Haruno had asked playfully. Her eyes had softened and the smile had returned to her face. She had secured her hold, over her demoness and pushed her back to whatever crevice it habituated in her mind. I could sympathise. My monster of logic, was chewing on the bars of the cage, asking to be let out, this instant. If only I listened.
"What about you, Yukinoshita-san?" I had asked, like the idiot I was back then.
"Nothing." Haruno had winked. A saucy, more devilish wink, "I was wondering whether you have any 'care' left for this, poor, unloving onee-san. I might need you someday, you know?" She had put unneeded emphasis on the word, 'care'. Like it was a euphemism. She knows what I mean, when I use the word 'care' and the thought, should make me blush, because it's embarrassing to admit these feelings. But thankfully, I don't. I just focus on the wrong word, like she intended.
"…Need me? Need me for what?" I really was stupid. She was setting me up for the biggest fall of the century.
"Well you know?" No. I didn't know. And the way she whispered those words, right into my ear wasn't helping my higher brain functions. The way her hot breath, tickled over my skin, was making it harder to think. I think I felt her hands, clasp over my wrist. To anyone else, this might seem like a romantic moment. But it wasn't. Because we weren't in love. We just understood each other very well.
"Know what?" I had asked. Turning sideways, I felt the softest of touch on my cheek.
"That." The sensation of wetness was gone, before I could gather what happened. A woman. No; not just any woman. This was Yukinoshita Haruno and she just gave me a small peck on my right cheek. I felt myself go still and I felt her slowly stand up on her feet. She adjusted her dress, needlessly, played with the hemline and ran a hand through her short, dark hair. She evaded my eyes, but I wasn't looking at her. My hand was busy rubbing the spot, she just kissed. I wondered why it felt so warm.
"See you later, Hachiman." Haruno had said, without looking at me. She had turned on her heels and started walking away from me, leaving me, resting on my seat at the café, with an unfinished essay, which wasn't going to be writing itself.
"Yeah," I remember telling her, "See you soon."
She met up with me. Sometimes. But every time out conversations, hinged on her little sister. Haruno was only interested in the activities of her precious little, 'Yukino-chan'. I was just a means to an end. At least that's what I liked to think about myself, whenever we met during one of her, 'information exchange meetings' as the monster of logic, dubbed them. Then we talked about other things. Mostly myself. Or at least whatever there was left to talk. I wasn't a big conversationalist but Yukinoshita Haruno proved to be a good listener. She found our talks 'interesting', which was an indirect way of saying she found me interesting. Before I could chalk all this up into utter nonsense, she cleared my doubts. "Yes, I think you are interesting", she informed me dutifully. It shouldn't mean anything to me, but it surprised me when it did.
"Is that really surprising?" Haruno had asked me once, "You are interesting to me. You must know by now, that you are a bit different than others, Hikigaya-kun. I mean, you are not unintelligent, are you? Although, you are a bit average in the science related subjects. I wonder why."
"I hate maths." I had replied, ruefully. Really, maths is right up there with tomatoes.
"Ah, well. You have my condolences." Haruno had said, good naturedly.
However, our talks never turned to her. I learned early on, that her life was out of bounds. Haruno was a private person. At least the Haruno, I came to know over these talks. The others know a different version of the truth, a better version of the woman, I find myself talking to. "It's not a façade", as she says, to me often, almost defending herself to me, in a manner of speaking. "It's just not entirely, me." I try not to linger on her explanation and she, cleverly, switches to another line of thought. Every discussion, regarding her, the woman named 'Haruno', remains incomplete and unfinished. I find myself, bothered about it, but I don't know why. I don't ask and that's something, I am very good at.
"You know, you come to this café often don't you, Hikigaya-kun?" Haruno had looked around a bit, taking in the scenery, "I wonder what the other patrons, think of us."
"Of us?" She had called us, 'us', once before. I didn't catch onto her stream of thought, back then.
"Why yes." Haruno had said, matter of factly, "We meet each other at this café, every other week. We eat our food together, we drink coffee, I get a few pastries for home, and you buy a can of Maxx Coffee on the way out. It's more or less our routine, isn't it? We talk, I laugh, you eat." Her voice grew warmer, lowered conspiratorially, "I think everyone here thinks we are dating."
It was not like a date. It was nowhere near fancy enough, even for my standards and I like to think a ramen shop is the perfect place for a date. Komachi might disagree but as always my logic is sound: If it's good enough for Naruto to end up with Hinata, then it should be good enough for almost everyone.
"Oh." I had not thought of this. But to be fair, she came onto me. Nope, that's some stupid stuff riajuus would make up, to get themselves out of trouble. I should ask. "Does that bother you, Yukinoshita-san?"
"Not in the slightest." Haruno had replied with a smile.
Thankfully it wasn't a ramen shop. But she somehow came to know about this café, where I liked to finish up my rejected essays. After that, whenever she needed to find me, it was there and like an idiot, I never even thought of going to a different café. I am a creature of habit it seems and Yukinoshita Haruno was gradually learning about my habitat. It should have been a tad disconcerting, but it wasn't and that, surprised me.
"Do you ever think about your future, Hikigaya-kun?" Haruno had asked me once.
I shook my head, "I want to be a househusband. But I know, I have to think of something else."
Haruno had raised an eyebrow, "Oh?" she had exclaimed, a little exaggeratedly, "What made you change your mind on the whole 'househusband' deal? You were so passionate about it, when we met."
"…It seems highly unlikely, is all." I had replied.
"Well, maybe. But who knows." Haruno had looked straight into my eyes, and I know it took effort on her part not to blink, because I was doing the same. I was holding onto her gaze, "Maybe, Yukino-chan will marry you and you two will live happily ever after."
I shook my head in mock derision, "I have a better chance of getting married to Hiratsuka-sensei then her."
"Oh?" Haruno had shown the faintest bit of interest, "I didn't know you like older women, Hikigaya-kun."
I took a calculated risk, "Well, we have made it a habit of meeting in this café, every other week, Yukinoshita-san. I would hardly spend this much time with someone, I didn't like."
Haruno had schooled her features well. Maybe she was expecting my answer. She took a gentle sip from her cup and then murmured softly, "I am way younger than Shizuka-chan, Hachiman." She used my first name. "In fact, I am only two years older than you." It was a point, I choose not to understand.
"Got it!" I said instead, "Never make fun of a woman's age."
She let me have this, "Precisely. I should have expected Shizuka-chan to beat some sense into you by now, but I guess, she is growing soft in her old age, don't you think?"
I thought of the punch to my gut, I received earlier for an essay. "…No comment."
"You are smart," Haruno had conceded, "But that's hardly surprising anymore."
Haruno was full of surprises. I was wary of her at first. Still am: of her masks and facades and fake smiles. The clever manipulation, the subtle influences, the hidden play of hands, always puts me on edge. The monster of logic dubbed her 'the demoness of deceit' and I couldn't help but smile. The moniker suited her perfectly.
"I know I am not like you." Haruno had once said to me, "I don't know whether I can help my sister by showering her with love and affection. Sometimes, I look at this bond between you and Komachi and I feel so jealous."
I tried not to be too proud over this, "Well, we have our problems too, Yukinoshita-san." I looked at the recent memory, "During the Kyoto trip, I found Komachi a bit annoying. She was trying to look after me, trying to figure out what went wrong, but I didn't let her. It caused a bit of trouble. In the end, we are all we have. We had to find a way to fix it."
"And how did you?" Haruno had asked me. This was the first time, I thought, she was looking for advice. At other times, she wanted to listen to my opinions on certain matters. But not on this. She knew I had a better handle on this.
"I was in the wrong. I realised this early on. So I apologized to her later. And after a bit of heart to heart, she forgave me and we spend the evening, playing video games on the sofa." I looked back to that evening, "Good times." I said more to myself.
Haruno sighed, "I don't think we can do that." She said, solemnly. She evaded my eyes, and I knew she was ashamed to admit this, "We are a bit too far gone for that."
I wanted to reach for her hand on the table, but I settled for placing my hand around my cup and giving it a light squeeze, "I don't think so. You are still sisters. I know you love Yukinoshita." I said, and this time I put my hand on the table. Not reaching for her, but, not being a complete coward. I said the last sentence, with reverence, "And I think I know, she loves you too, Haruno." The first time I said her name and said it first, and I felt a little bit of happiness slipping into my soul. It was strange, but not unwanted.
"Thank you." Haruno replied. I looked at our hands. She had intertwined her fingers with mine. I showed a bit of courage and she rewarded me ten folds. It was really unfair of me. "Thank you, Hachiman." She gave my hand a squeeze and I squeezed back. What was the world coming to? Holding hands with Yukinoshita Haruno, over the table, in a small café, being overlooked by the setting sun. God of Romantic Comedy, you are a right bastard.
"It's getting late." Haruno had said one day. She was looking at the setting sun and not her wrist watch. I thought we still had time, "I should better get going." She got up from her seat, straightened her clothes and then ran a hand through her hair. It's something Yukinoshita does, but I like the way, Haruno does it. It's less condescending and more like a nervous tick. It shows her human side.
"Do you want me to walk you home?" I had never offered to escort her home, but then again, today we had stayed up till late. The shadows were looming and the cold chill of the weather was settling in.
"I-" Haruno looked uncertain and I immediately felt guilty. She must have misunderstood.
"I don't mean anything else by it!" I had blurted out, then I took the worst possible route to explain myself, "Not that you aren't an attractive woman. And not that I find you not beautiful-" Oh I was an idiot back then. Still am. "I just-" Haruno was giving me time, time to breathe, time to get my head in the game, "I just want to make sure you are safe." I had said, at last.
"You care?" Haruno could also use fewer words when she wanted to. I respected that. It gave more time to process thoughts, which shouldn't be running around in our heads in the first place.
"I do." I said vehemently. I could have walked towards her, I could have taken her hand and she would let me, but I chose to wait this out. We needed to be extremely sure about this. We can't risk a miscalculation on our part.
"I believe you, Hachiman." Those are not the words I want to hear on her lips. It's better than throwing around the word 'care' like it's a euphemism. But those are still not the words I want to hear. She got the 'I' right and the 'you'. But not the word in the middle; and we both knew it was the most important word in that fabled sentence.
"Okay, then." I had said, getting up and moving towards her. "Lead the way, Haruno-san"
"Okay." She had nodded heavily, understanding the situation.
Like I said, nothing happened back then. I took her back to her apartment. She wished me goodnight and then I went back to my home. This wasn't the moment. This was just a faint understanding. Our time would come. Soon. Of this I was sure.
To everyone else, Yukinoshita Haruno is the ideal woman. A female icon every young girl, aspires to become one day, the very idea of it, as repeatedly reinforced on them, by their parents. The result is a young girl named Yukino. But this is not about her. At least, this time it isn't. It's about me and her; Hikigaya Hachiman and Yukinoshita Haruno. And how, we came to call each other, Hachiman and Haruno. It's about the day she asked me to come home with her and it about the time, I felt myself, going along with her. It's about our shared moments. This is about us.
Like many things in life, this wasn't planned. At least not on my part. I know for a fact, that she had my number, but it was never used to call me up and talk ceaselessly, about useless things in our day to day life. I never called her, I never sought her out. I tried my best to stay away from her. But, Haruno was nothing, if not meticulous and resourceful. She narrowed her search parameters and found me at school. It was during the lunch break. I was alone, eating in silence and my favourite spot was empty as usual. There was no one there, except for me and my half eaten bento. The cold sea breeze blew like a bad habit and my ears picked up the sound of rustling clothes. Female clothes. I think imagined the smell of her perfume, but I was already sure it was her, before I even looked up from my lunch box.
"How did you get in?" I asked conversationally, "I thought, people weren't allowed into school the same way student weren't allowed to go out during school hours."
"Well," Haruno smiled, "I am an alumni of Sobu High, and I am on a first name basis with Shizuka-chan. On top of that my last name is Yukinoshita, so I guess, some magic happened."
I snorted, "I bet it did."
Haruno wore a white floral blouse, complete with intricate patterns and beautiful symmetry, with the top two buttons left undone, to keep her cool in this humid weather and stop her from sweating, unnecessarily. It drew the gaze of many a man to her ample bosom, but I think she was already used to having all this attention on her. She was a beautiful woman. Simply gorgeous. There was nothing to hide behind when it was the truth.
"How did you know where to find me?" I asked.
She looked back at the tennis court, "Your little friend was kind enough to tell me where you are. He's a nice guy."
"Yes, Totsuka is an angle." I replied truthfully.
"Oh? Not even a hint jealousy in your voice, when I talk about another guy. You must have some serious confidence in yourself or your friend, Hikigaya-kun. I know for a fact, that Hayato-kun would be jealous."
"I'm not Hayama." I don't know why, but I needed to make sure she knew. I was my own person.
"Of course you are not him," Haruno said, "I wouldn't spend so much time with you if you were."
I looked away, "We don't spend that much time together, Yukinoshita-san," I said, without much forethought, "We just meet up every other week for a few hours."
"Oh?" I didn't miss the playful tinge in her voice. She had laid a trap and I had fallen head first into it, "Do you want to spend more time with me, Hachiman?"
Using first name basis was the sign of a subtle shift. It was the time to take risks and show some courage. I had grown accustomed to this by now, "It isn't your worse idea, Haruno-san."
I had the proper vantage point. She was standing to her full length, wearing high heels and I was sitting down on the steps of a remote shed, near the cycle stand. I looked. But only at her face: at her eyes, her mouth, her lips. She gave me a smile. It was a common courtesy. I didn't smile back. Only nodded, acknowledging her presence and continued chewing my food, slower than before. I wanted to know what she wanted, this time around. I wanted to tell her the truth. I won't be her little errand boy, I won't spy on her sister. I wasn't a means to an end. I wasn't a guilty pleasure.
"Then, can you come with me, Hachiman?" Haruno asked softly. She was looking down at me, and from her perspective, she had the advantage. She could turn on her heels and walk away. I had to get up first. I didn't. She could stand on her own two feet. I knew for a fact, she was not staying. This was the time to decide.
"Okay." I said, resolutely. I dusted myself up before getting back up on my own two feet and I realised, not for the first time, that I was taller than her. Not by a lot, but just enough. Now that I think about it, I am taller than Hiratsuka-sensei too. Maybe I hit my final growth spurt back in summer, and I grew a few inches in my third year of high school. What are the odds? 'As much as whatever this is between me and Haruno' the monster of logic supplied, unhelpfully.
"Just like that," Haruno asked. She was sounding a little sceptical, "You didn't even ask where I am taking you?"
"I trust you." I said seriously. I wanted to let her know, how much I trusted her, even though, she had proved herself to be duplicitous and manipulative, on multiple occasions. In the back of my mind, I knew I was being stupid. The monster of logic, gnarled and gnashed, but I shut the door on him and threw away the cage.
"Good," Haruno said, feeling shaky, "At least one of us trusts me with this."
"With what? Are there more people coming around?" I asked, then looked over her shoulder, but she stopped my ceaseless search by taking my hand in hers.
"No." Haruno had replied firmly, "It's just us."
"That sounds nice." I replied, swiftly.
We had come a long way from our days, spent in the café, being overlooked by the sunset, but still, there was many things left unsaid. We only had an understanding and thought it was comforting at first. But now it was proving to be a little discomforting. Our talks at the café had changed altogether. We ate our food, we had our drink and we talked about ourselves, our lives, while keeping our secrets and lies to ourselves. We tried to be honest to each other. We really made an effort. We thought less about her little sister and more about us.
To me we had progressed. We weren't afraid of the new. She touched my forearm, tugged my sleeves, and kissed me on the cheek. There was no routine. It came to us spontaneously. But it happened sometimes. And we both liked it. I called her by her first name, I held her hand, I ran my fingers through her soft, glossy hair. I pulled her close. Sometimes I pulled her very close to me. Our goodbyes end on a loving hug nowadays.
"Okay then," I squeezed her palm. Show courage and you will be rewarded, was my new mantra, whenever I felt myself giving more and more to the enigma know as Haruno. Soon, there would be nothing left of me.
"I want to do something. Something I didn't do back then." Haruno said, vaguely. She was looking at the ground, not meeting my gaze. I recognized that look. It happened one time before. But only once.
I looked back into our time spent together. Only one day, or more accurately, one evening came to mind. But I couldn't skip it. This was not useless. It was in fact the most important sentence we will ever say to each other, "And what is that?" I asked. One of my hands was holding onto hers for comfort and using my other hand, I tilted her face upwards. I needed to look into her eyes. I needed to know this was really happening. I wanted to know the truth.
"I want you to walk me home, Hachiman." Haruno said. She shivered against my touch, when I took a loose strand of her hair and put it behind her ears. The back of my palm, my knuckles brushed against her soft skin and I felt myself liking the sensation very much.
"And?" I urged her to continue. We were at a very secluded spot in the school grounds. I eat my lunch here because I prefer to eat in silence and admire the privacy. But the peace and quiet is good for other things as well. I realise this now, when I am holding her this close to my body. Haruno arches her back, as I run my fingers down her spine. For all intent and purposes, it was meant to be a comforting hug. But we tend to comfort each other differently.
"And, as you leave me on my doorsteps-" Haruno tangled her fingers in my hair and pulled me close. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her very essence. I love her scent. It was close to the truth, but not to the whole truth. I need to tell her soon.
"Yes, then what," I spoke the words, my mouth running against the column of her throat. I have never kissed her. She had given me soft pecks on my cheek. One time around she had come close. So close. But then, her lips fell on the corner of my mouth and I was left staring at her lips like an idiot. I imagined what her lips would taste like. But I already know, the real thing would be better than anything my mind can imagine. So I wait. We wait. I hold her close. I speak softly, into the column of her throat. And we see where we go from here.
"And, as you leave me on my doorsteps, I want you to kiss me good night." Haruno said those words; no she breathed those words, poured them like sweet nectar, into my sensitive ears. My arms were wrapped around her back, my palms resting at the small of her back, a few of my fingers brushed against the swell of her hips. We were moulded, sculpted, made whole and then undone.
Show courage and you will be rewarded, I repeated.
I slowly dragged my hands up her spine, sending pleasant shivers up her back. She bucked her hips against me, but I held her close. I held her so close, it was unbearable. I rounded my palms around her shoulders, ran them past her collar bone, slid them up the side of her neck, and then gently cupped her soft, round cheeks. They felt warm and hot, against my palms and the red tint of her skin, made me know, I wasn't the only one blushing.
"Haruno," I said her name, reverently, like I was praying to a goddess for eternal life, "Are you sure?" This was a new step: A new step in our understanding of each other. There could be no going back. I wanted to be absolutely certain, this was what she wanted. As for me, I wanted this. I wanted this for a long time. But I gave up a long time ago. No use in nursing false hope. If only I knew now, what I knew back then. But like I said, I know better.
"I am." Haruno replied, firmly.
Never kissed a girl in my life. And the first woman I get to kiss is none other than Yukinoshita Haruno. I didn't need to be told twice. The impulses in me raged, fuelled something primitive inside of me which was caged. The monster of logic sang a different tune now. A low growl emanated from the back of my throat and I sealed my intentions against her lips.
She wrapped her hands around my shoulder blades, pulled me down to her level. I obeyed her every wish. Her lips: warm, moist and soft, rushed me, took away my breath and left me wanting for more. She was more than eager and equally enthusiastic as I was, and I loved every minute of this. The feel of her feminine figure in my arms, the warmth of her lips on my mouth, they enticed me and made me lose myself in her.
I pulled her into me, my lips having no intention of separating from her and she followed my movement and stood to her full height, balancing on her toes, to prolong the meeting of our lips. I ran my hands up her spine and she arched her back. I drew a delicious moan from, deep within her throat and it sounded a lot like my name.
"Hachiman~"
The sound unhinged me. Broke me and made me whole. She thrust her hips forward, began to ground her pelvis into my crotch, at a particular rhythm, and I almost bucked into her. We were both clothed, though our appearance was more than a little ruffled. I groaned her name; a sound which rose from the back of my throat and she smiled against my lips. Now we were on equal footing.
"Haruno…"
I slipped my tongue inside her mouth, and began a slow, timid exploration of her insides. She was hot and warm and moist and delicious. She tasted like the coffee and the pastries, and all the different varieties of sweets, we had in that café. It made me hunger for more. Not for food or nourishment, but for her.
I was voracious in my explorations, and she was equally willing. I wanted to feel her, taste her, take her. And I knew, she wanted the same thing. We have been walking on eggshells before, thinking we would step into a landmine and blow ourselves up. But, to hell with it. I wanted her. I needed her. I wanted, I needed, all of her.
The sounds she was making, was going to be my undoing. The soft, breathy moans, where she said my name over and over again, like she was making sure this was me, like she was making sure this was real and not a dream and really happening; it made me want her more. I suckled on her tongue, made her make those wet and sticky noises, held her close and then pulled at her lips. My teeth scraped across her flesh, but I was being very careful not to hurt her. I wanted to savour her. Savour this experience. I wanted us to have more time.
I felt a sharp pain at the back of my neck and I knew, Haruno had sharp nails, and she was done being gentle and nice. I pressed my body over her petite figure and she draped herself over mine; we dressed ourselves in each other and hid from the cruel world. Even though, this was just kissing and we were still clothed, we both knew where this was going, where this was headed. I could be patient, I could wait. But I was done waiting. I was done in by her.
Her body, her figure, her each and every curve and contour, made me lose more and more of myself in her and soon nothing of me would be left, which wasn't in her. I was oddly okay with everything. I pulled her close, she ground her hips into me and I kissed her, again and again and again, until we couldn't breathe. But we kept breathing and we kept kissing and this was nowhere near enough.
My hand ran up her face, held onto her cheeks and I saw myself in her eyes. My thumb drew a half circle on her cheekbone and I kissed her again. This time I was myself. I had a better understanding of what I was doing and what was happening. The primitive, base instincts were there, just under my skin, but I was more myself. My tongue stroked her lips, and gently plied them open and then I was engulfed in her warmth again. I could kiss her like this forever and ever and ever. My hand then circled back and gently nestled themselves in her hair. I pulled her close and she came through. My thumb continued to moon half-circles at the nape of her neck. I could feel goose bumps riddle her flesh and I closed my eyes and savoured her taste. My hand travelled lower. Down her neck, down her spine and settled at the rise of her hips.
She moaned my name again, pressed herself closer to me than humanly possible and I supported her endeavour by grasping her hips firmly with my hands. I think she knew I was aroused. It was a little obvious, when she was standing this close, wrapped up in me and my body, my groin brushing against her, painfully, and wanting that, sweet, sweet release, which it had been teased for so long.
But we had to do this properly. I had to let the monster slip in, take control, breathe reason into all this chaos. I needed to break the kiss and pull away. But I needed to hold her close. I wanted to never let her go, because I feared, that if I did, all this would turn into a stupid dream.
One more kiss, one last caress, one fleeting touch and I withdrew myself from her arms, extricated myself from drowning in her essence and extracted myself from giving into the immediate necessity. Haruno opened her eyes, her eyelashes fluttering, but she held onto my arm. She didn't want to let go of this too. She was also scared, that this might all be a dream. He sympathised with her. Empathised even. Both of them had the same fear, plaguing their mind.
"Did you imagine it like this, Haruno-san?" I asked softly. I held her at an arm's length, not trusting myself to be in control and stop myself from wanting to kiss her again.
"Imagine what?" For the first time, Haruno sounded genuinely confused. She looked at me with awe and amazement, like I was a different person. But I knew that wasn't the case. She was seeing a new side of me. She knew I had this, I had to have this for someone, but she never expected it to be her. The shock was self evident and disheartening. I tried not to dwell too much on it.
"Our good night kiss." I explained to her, "Was it like this?"
"No," Haruno replied swiftly, "This was even better." She brought her fingers to her swollen lips, and I think she made an epiphany or a resolve at that very moment, because she gave me her best smile. It wasn't fake. I didn't need my dead fish eyes to know that.
"Then what happens," I asked her, "After I kiss you goodnight. Do I leave?"
"No," Haruno said. Her voice is husky and wanting and I already know the answer. It is just a formality to ask her, I think. But no. I want her to say it and I want myself to listen. But Haruno, can be vague when she wants to be, and she is particularly vague when she's shy or nervous. One word is all I get from her. Well, I can return the favour.
"No?" I just repeated what she said, but I phrased it like a question.
We were at an impasse. She had to go for it. Haruno knew this. There was no going back. She needed to find the courage. I tugged her arm, pulled her close, wrapped her in a tight hug. But she needed to be the one to get the words out. I kissed the side of her chin, left a trail of kisses down the column of her throat. I was close. My mouth was on hers, my breath on her lips. We could kiss and kiss again. But this had to go somewhere. We had wasted enough time.
"Haruno, please." I begged, against her mouth, "Say it. Please."
Haruno brushes her lips against mine, takes whatever courage she can from me, and then she says those words, that I had been dying to listen, forever. "After you kiss me goodnight, you try to leave." She holds me close, so very close. Her next words are only for me. They are poured directly into my ears. I shiver, when I feel her lips tug on my earlobe, "But I don't let you leave. I invite you in."
Our final words are said to one another while looking directly into the others eye.
"Then what happens?" I asked her. My hands are on her hips. I am holding her possessively.
"We spend the night together," Haruno said, smiling up at me. Her arms are slung over my shoulders. "We make love. All night long." She murmurs those words into my mouth.
"Sounds like a plan." I said to her, right then and for the first time, I know this can be real. We can be real, we can make it, together. This 'us', she talked about, it can really happen. I have an understanding. We have an understanding.
The rest of the world can just go screw itself.
A/N: Yes, this is a repost. But I fixed a few of the mistakes and grammatical errors, so I think I improved the overal reading experience.
This short story was part of "Vignettes, Snippets, Drabbles, etc" and I wrote it a long time ago, when I first started writing fanfics. But out of all the other one-shots, I thought this short story, which featured Haruno and Hachiman was just something else. In my humble opinion, it was too good for the collection. So, after all this time, I decided to let it be it's own thing. But don't take my word for it. Please read and enjoy and tell me in the reviews what you thought about my best Haruno x Hikigaya story till date!