It's been a while. It's hard to write something and then have it sound so weird when you read it later you delete it and start over again. I'm not sure if I am happy with the way I made the story go, but it's now uploaded and out for all to read.
Chapter 5 - Breaking down
It was a fitful sleep filled with my fears from the past. Friends and family leaving me, betraying me, as I lay helpless on the bed every time to wake up through the night. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep at a time so when Iris came back in the morning to check on me, I looked horrible. "Oh Debra…" She sighed at me. "You look like you haven't slept all night." Her concern touched me more than anyone else ever had. I forced a smile to my lips as I just shrugged. "I know you are a capable and strong human, but you can always call out for help for anything you might need."
"I didn't really need anything…" I said with the same smile on my face. "It was just my old memories saying hello and reminding me how things came to be." My smile faltered for a moment as I felt the pain of the past return. "It's nothing a hot cup of tea can't fix…" I didn't want to talk anymore about myself and I hoped my pleading eyes would speak my intentions.
"O-Of course…" Iris clearly wanted to ask more questions. "I will come back with a few choices and we will see what you are up to doing today." She left the room with a quick look back and was back within a few minutes with a hot cup of water and 3 bags. "All they have is some Oolong tea, English breakfast tea, and lavender honey."
"Oolong please." Oolong was my go to tea in stressful times. Something about the smooth, but bitter flavor calmed my mind. Iris carefully put the tea bag in the paper cup and sat next to me. It was clear that something was on her mind and given my earlier dismissal of any more questions it wasn't too hard to see her internal debate if she needed to pry me for information. "What's on your mind, Iris?" I asked after a few minutes. She was taken aback for a moment. "It's clear that you want to ask me something. I've got nowhere to go," I was reluctant to answer questions about my past, but I was willing to share a few key details if it meant that she or anyone else would not dig into my personal files. "But I would like to use the restroom and get some breakfast in me before I start my interrogation." Iris smiled at my bad attempt to lighten the mood as she picked me up to begin the restroom ritual.
"I hope you know I don't want to integrate you…" Even through the bathroom door I could sense the "but" coming. "I know that everyone has things in their past that they would rather keep hidden, however I am going to have to pry if you want your limbs to be more advanced." Well shit.. I thought as I let out a sigh. Iris cleaned me up and got me back to my bed. "I know it might be hard for you, but the advanced options both rely on you being able to think clearly and precisely until it becomes 2nd nature again, well at least one does as the other we are not completely sure of yep." She sat me down on my bed and got my slightly cooled cup of tea and let me drink some. "Even with all of that aside, I still want to make sure you are doing the best you can." She takes the cup away and wipes my face from any spills. "I don't want to see anyone else lose themselves even again…" Her eyes began to tear up. "I will help you until my spark dies out. I promise…" I could see all that pain in her face and eyes. Whatever happened in her past is still haunting her. With how old even the newest of cybertronians were her trauma must be deeper than I could fathom. How could I not share my short life story compared to someone who had lived more than thousands of my lives.
I swallowed hard. "I did give you permission to ask what you wanted." I tried to keep my voice and breathing steady. I have done this before, but it is different now. "What do you want to know?" Iris meant something to me.
"I-i want to know about you.." Iris spoke, her voice filling me with emotions. "I want to know the real you that you hide from everyone else…" Her eyes were staring into my soul. "I want to help you." Her smile made my heart begin to beat after years of neglect.
"Very well." I closed my eye to keep my composure. "I was an unwanted miracle child. My mother was told that she could never have kids due to a deformed uterus, but I somehow came to be." I opened my eye, but stared at the ceiling. " I was only cared for in the hopes of someone else wanting me or my ability to pay them back from what I took from them. They constantly told me how much I cost and kept records of everything they spent on me. I got forced to work when I turned 8 and everything I made went straight into their pockets. My debt never seemed to get any smaller as they continued to berate me on how worthless I was and how everyone else agreed." I blinked away the tears in my eye and looked down at the bed before I continued.
"One day after I walked home after school and work I saw that the house was empty." This memory was always the hardest for me. "Nothing was inside the house, not even my bed, clothes, or food. All I could find was trash and a scrap of paper with a note written on it. "You are worthless. Don't find us."" Tears were flowing freely from my eye at this point, but I didn't stop my tale. "I didn't know what to do so I just kept on doing everything the same. I'd used my small earnings to pay for scraps of food and clothes. Nobody was the wiser til winter hit and I came to school with frostbite." I quickly blinked away my tears. "They were appalled at why I didn't say anything and stuck me in a home for troubled youth where I just kept my head low and eventually joined the army…" I took a deep breath and looked up towards Iris. "Pretty pathetic, huh?" I was expecting her to have a shocked look, crying her eyes out, or even an empty spot, but instead she was smiling as she embraced me in a loving hug.
"Thank you for telling me." She softly said next to my ear. "You've been through so much." My heart started to ache. "I'll be here for you." She couldn't mean that… "I will pick you up when you fall." She won't… "I will hold you for as long as you want…" She didn't know how broken I was. "You can count on me," I couldn't count on anybody. "Cause I care for you…" I don't care for myself. "And I love you." My mind stopped at her last words that were more of a gentle whisper than anything else. I didn't know what to think so I didn't and I let loose all of the emotions that had built up. Words of confusion, hurt, hate, sadness, bitterness, but most of all unworthiness flowed past my lips in a mess of incoherent sentences. After a while I just cried away years worth of pain. Iris only held me tighter and stroked my back. "Let it out" and "I'm right here" were the only things she said and it started to put me at ease.
I must have dosed off between the exhaustion and calming embrace since I opened my eyes and I was lying down again. A blanket had been placed on me, but I felt a weight across my stomach and all along my left side. I couldn't help but smile as I saw Iris lying next to me sleeping. I didn't care how absurd it was that a holographic projection of hard light could be next to me and slightly snoring. I wish I could have stroked her hair from her face and kissed her head, but as the thoughts entered my mind I could only think about how temporary this would be. I felt my heart become heavy again, but I would enjoy the good feelings for as long as possible.
I just laid there for a good 20 minutes until my stomach growled, making Iris stir as she began to wake up. Her form glitched a bit as she went from laying down to sitting up. Her eyes seemed to brighten as she began to awaken from her sleep. "Having a sleep cycle in this form is odd…" She mumbled out as she stretched and blinked her eyes until she saw that I was awake. "Oh Primus!" She shot up and stood bedside as she bowed her whole upper body. "I am SO sorry for falling into my sleep cycle. That was unprofessional of me and I will make sure I will receive punishment for my transgressions." She stands and turns around with a quick glance at me. Her eyes are filled with tears as she begins to quickly run away.
"Don't go!" I yell. She stops suddenly, but doesn't turn around. "Don't leave me here." A heartfelt request escaped my lips in desperation. I didn't want to be alone again. "You said you wouldn't leave me alone and I won't let you back out on your promise…" Her holoform shakes, glitches, and distorts between images of running, on the ground, facing me, or standing as she was, yet she remained silent. "I need you…" As much as I didn't want it to be true, it was. I was too weak to do anything for myself and in a short time I had become dependent on her. "I can't do this alone…" My heart stopped. "I won't do this without you because…" Could I say what I was feeling? "I-i-" I had to say it. Even just to get it out into the open. "I-i lo-" Why couldn't I say it? My mouth was dry and I felt like I would fall and never stop. I closed my eyes, stopped thinking, and just shouted. "I Love You!" It was finally out and held my breath. A fizzling sound caused me to open my eyes and I saw that Iris had gone. My heart shattered, I couldn't breathe, and I began to lose my balance and fall backwards. I hit the bed's railing with force and I began to tip and fall. The only thing on my mind was the hope that I would hit the floor hard enough to end it all. I was always told that, "It was the easy way out", but I was tired of it all. I closed my eyes and waited for the impact.
A thunderous sound erupted all around me and then I was enveloped in warmth. I was dead and I began to cry without any shame or care. "It's alright," A soothing voice was all around me and the warmth seemed to get more defined. "I'm sorry I disappeared.." I opened my eyes and saw the familiar purple outline of Iris with nothing else around us. "You caught me off guard and I couldn't maintain my holoform…" Her hold on me tightened. "I saw you falling and got back as soon as I could." Her face turned away from me in a sheepish manner as I heard a commotion coming somewhere from beyond the darkness surrounding us. "Though I might have acted a bit too carelessly…" I sensed movement from all around me as light, dust, and sound began to fill the area through a widening gap all around us. The light was blinding, but as my eye adjusted I could see that I was still in my room, but it looked like a bomb had gone off. Iris was still holding me, but she was being projected from multiple angles out of a giant purple metallic hand that we stood on and another one covering us. As the top hand gently continued to rise, I saw soldiers and nurses trying to enter my room all at once with the nurses trying to keep the soldiers out. They were all shouting all at once between each other and I could not understand anything that was going on as I was still confused on what happened, but Iris had a frightened look in her eyes. Everything was becoming too much for me when a loud and familiar voice shouted out.
"Silence!" Captain Barlow's voice was frightening and effective. Everyone stopped what they were doing as she walked briskly towards the entrance to my room. The nurses and soldiers made a pathway for her to walk unimpeded into the now ruined room. Barlow took a quick look around at everything and everyone when she finally stopped her gaze on the four at the entrance. "Did any of you see what happened to cause this mess?" They all shook their heads no. "I see…" she said to the silent answers. "If you don't know anything than I will take
over this investigation." Her voice left no room for a response as the four just looked stunned. "Thank you for coming as quickly as you did. You are all dismissed." They could do nothing more so they slowly walked away down the hallway as Captain Barlow closed the door and took an audible sigh and then sat on my bed. "Playback past hour video surveillance access code Alpha Delta Beta Foxtrot Charlie 102579425" A few light projections came to life from the corners of the room and made a display in front of her. I could see a still image of my room from when Iris and I were sleeping. Barlow held her finger right above the play button and then looked at both of us. "Do either of you want to tell me anything?" I didn't really know what happened after I fell and I didn't want to say anything about what happened beforehand so I just slowly shook my head no. Iris on the other hand only turns her head away from both of us with a look of shame and guilt. "Very well…" was Barlow's response and she pressed play.
The video started to play with a scene of Iris sleeping next to me as her arm held on to me. I couldn't help, but smile as Captain Barlow started to skip forward through the video. She skipped up to the part of Iris going to leave the room and me yelling. I couldn't hear any sound from the video or see my face from the camera angle, but I knew everything that I was saying. I saw Iris's holoform glitch and disappear, me falling backwards and then the video glitched and failed. Barlow just let out a sigh and tapped a few buttons and another angle of the room was on display. Now I could clearly see my face the moment I opened my eyes and my heart shattered when Iris wasn't there, but now I also saw a glitchy purple form coming towards me as I fell. It was quite faint, but as Captain Barlow adjusted the video's speed and settings I could clearly make out Iris's holoform reaching for me. A few frames later her hand passed right through my still falling body followed by the wall behind me bending towards me, shattering into pieces, and two giant metal hands reaching in to catch me as the debris fell all around. I was in shock as the truth of what happened hit me and I started to cry.
It was soft, silent, and unnoticed at first, but soon I became hysterical. Too much has happened in such a short amount of time and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I could hear Iris and Barlow whispering, talking, and shouting as they tried to calm me down, but I didn't care. Everything inside of me needed to get out and I let it flow free. Nothing was intelligible, no meaning to any of the noises, shouts, laughing, crying. It was just a way for all the emotions to exit as quickly as possible. I have no idea how long it was, but at some point there was a sharp pain in my arm followed by a burning sensation. I lost all strength quickly after as my world collapsed down around me into darkness.