~O~

I'm dying to catch my breath

Oh why don't I ever learn?

I'm here on the edge again

I wish I could let it go

I want to believe that this is for real

Save me from my fear

Can you still see the heart of me?

All my agony fades away

When you hold me in your embrace

~All I Need by Within Temptation~

Chapter Seventeen

At a tap on her chamber door, Marian opened it, smoothing a hand across the blue silk of her dress and smiling at Bodahn.

"My lady, several of your guests have arrived. Your mother is entertaining them in the drawing room, and wondered if you were ready to join them."

"Thank you, Bodahn, I'll come now." Closing the door, she followed the dwarf across the passage and down the stairs. Anders still hadn't returned, so she had gotten ready on her own, knowing he would join her as soon as he was able. She grinned when Bodahn opened the drawing room door for her, an eager excitement rising at the sight of her friends.

"Damn, Hawke." Isabela walked a slow circle around her, taking in her appearance. "You really do clean up well, don't you? Nice choice on the dress. And where is your very attentive healer? I thought you and Anders were permanently joined at the hip." She smirked and winked.

Hawke tilted her head. "Thank you for the compliment, Isabela. I'm equally impressed you actually put on pants for this dinner and I'm flattered I merited the effort. Anders will be along when he's done at the clinic."

"Lady Hawke, you look lovely tonight," Varric took her hand, using the pretense of kissing it to whisper to her. "Can you go try to talk to the elf? He's been brooding all day, but it's gotten worse since we got here. Something's eating him."

"Thank you, Varric. Please help yourself to more drinks." After briefly greeting Merrill, she gave a minute nod to Varric and turned toward the corner where Fenris stood, clearly uncomfortable, his eyes darting over her, taking in her appearance. She smiled warmly and went to him.

"Fenris, it's so good to see you. I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to stop by and visit with you since the deep roads. I keep meaning to, but with the move…" She shook her head. "I trust you are well?"

He bent, putting his mouth near her ear. "Hawke. May I speak to you for a moment...in private?"

"Of course, Fenris," she murmured, taking his arm to lead him to the upstairs library, closing the door after they entered and turning to give him her full attention. "How can I help?"

He scrutinized her for a silent moment before he dropped his gaze to the floor. "You look very beautiful tonight. But tell me, are you fully recovered from...your illness?"

She tilted her head, leaning back against the door. "Well, yes, on the whole. I have no memories of being so sick, you know. But based on what Anders told me, I think I'm glad I can't remember."

He nodded, keeping his eyes trained on the library carpet. "I want...I need to...apologize to you."

She frowned, taking a step closer. "Why ever do you think you need to apologize to me?"

Fenris looked at her with anguish and pain in his green eyes. "Because...I didn't believe in you the way the healer did. When you were taken with the taint...I thought...I wanted to put you out of your misery. I thought there was no hope and you were suffering needlessly. Your screams…" He paused and swallowed. "They still haunt my dreams."

Understanding and compassion filled her blue eyes, and she took one of his hands in hers. "You don't need to apologize to me, Fenris. I know my suffering couldn't have been easy for any of you to watch. It's especially hard to watch the suffering of someone you care for, I understand."

The lost, needy look in his eyes that had touched her so much when they first met had her moving without thought, wrapping her arms around him in a comforting hug. He shuddered against her when his own arms returned her embrace. "There is….no one else in this world like you, Hawke," he whispered. "I swear I will never doubt you again."

"We're friends, Fenris, and friends love each other through the good times and the bad. I'm only sorry for your pain I caused." She pulled back and met his gaze, her hand stroking his cheek affectionately. Her smile turned teasing. "Now, I really think we should go get sodding drunk together, to celebrate surviving the deep roads."

His answering smile was full of humor and an affection he had never shown so openly to her before. "I do feel as though I could really use a glass of wine, or five."

Hawke opened the door and took his arm to go back downstairs. "If you get me drunk enough, I may even do something unexpected, like kick off my shoes and flaunt my toes, you never know."

The quiet chuckle in his deep voice had her grinning when they rejoined the others, not noticing the room had fallen silent until she looked up, stopping in her tracks. Carver stood before her and Cullen just beyond, both in all their templar trappings, their eyes trained on her. Suddenly, there didn't seem to be enough air in the room, her grip on Fenris' arm tightened while she attempted to wrestle her rioting emotions back under her control. Stepping away from the elf, she faced the two men, her expression cool and remote.

Seeing her daughter's face, Leandra very quickly called for everyone to follow her to the dining room, granting privacy to the three that remained when the door snicked closed. It was only then Hawke spoke.

"To what do I owe the honor of two templars in my home, this evening? If you've come soliciting for the annual tithe, I'm afraid my family has already given more than enough to the Order for this year. If you'll excuse me." She turned to leave, needing space, needing to think, to get away from the way Cullen looked at her that made her suddenly want to scream and kill something.

"Maker's sake, Mari, wait," Carver said, grabbing her arm to stop her, when she jerked away from his hold, coming to face him again. Her shield dissolved and potent magic rose and spilled forth from deep inside her, ready to attack and destroy, while her eyes glowed with golden luminescence.

"Don't touch me, Carver," she hissed, "you have no right." Hot rage like none she had ever felt before flooded her veins, pulsing through her in time to her heart. She wanted to hurt Carver, to lash out at him and Cullen both, to return the pain they had both visited on her. Her eyes found Cullen's, further angered by the worry and watchful wariness in his gaze, her thoughts spinning in her mind, off-kilter, out of control, even in the privacy of her own thoughts.

You never loved me, Cullen, only the bits that were acceptable to you. You were the liar all along, not me. He flinched as though struck, a sudden look of pain in the green-gold of his eyes.

Carver stared at her in complete shock. "Shit, what's happening to you, Mari? Why are your eyes glowing?"

The door opened and closed, and Anders walked quickly to her. "Marian, I'm here, love," he said in an urgent tone. "Marian, look at me, please." Anders stepped in front of her, taking her face between both hands and bringing her eyes to his, his warm brown gaze grounding her as nothing else could. She exhaled a shaky breath at his touch, all the rage gone as though it had never been, horror immediately filling her blue eyes as she realized what had almost happened, what she had very nearly done.

You didn't hurt anyone, love. You're fine, Carver is fine. Don't panic. I've got you. Anders pulled her against him, tucking her head against his chest, turning to face Carver and Cullen so her back was to them.

"Marian is still recovering from her battle with the taint. She nearly died more than once, her heart fully stopped.." Anders paused and cleared his throat before continuing. "The unfamiliar glow from her eyes is also from the taint, and strong emotions during this adjustment period bring undue strain. My touch grounds and calms her, something only those who are tainted would understand. Every day she gets better at managing the negative affects of taint, but this is still very new, and her form of taint is different than any I have encountered before. Much stronger, far more difficult to control, but rest assured, she will master it."

"Maker's breath, that sounds bloody awful," Carver breathed, his brows drawn together with worry while he stared at his sister's trembling form. He had never seen her so vulnerable, so weak. She had always been the one who was strong, in control, larger than life. And she had very nearly died? A sick feeling twisted in his gut, one he had never fully experienced before, fear for her life. He had to tell her, it was why he had finally come to find her.

"Mari? Mari, please?" His voice was pleading, and she turned to look at him, her eyes filling with tears.

"I'm sorry, Carver," she whispered, her tears spilling over, her voice full of shame and regret. "I would never hurt you." He reached out and tugged her away from Anders and into his arms, bending to whisper in her ear. "I know, I'm sorry too, for what I said before you left. I needed to come tell you, I know what you must think...but I never did this to hurt you." His voice dropped even lower. "To protect you, I had to join the templars, I wasn't given a choice. Please believe me, I would much rather be here with you and Mother."

"Really?" she whispered back, just as quietly, wiping away her tears.

"It's the truth." He raised his head and she could see the sincerity and pain in his eyes, a wisp of hope rising in her heart that her brother had not betrayed her, after all. That he didn't hate her, as she feared. She gave him a tentative smile, her eyes drawn to Cullen when he spoke for the first time.

"I was the one that insisted Carver come and join the Order, to learn Templar skills. It's useful to have a member of the Hawke family in the Order, should you ever happen to come under any…scrutiny." His eyes bore into her when he continued. "Since your father named him to honor Ser Maurevar Carver, it seemed a fitting choice."

Glancing up at Carver, she shook her head with a small smile. "You told him about that bit of family history?"

"No, Marian," Cullen murmured, capturing her eyes with his again, watching her intently enough to make her shift and bite her lip. "You told me, right before you left Kirkwall. Remember? In Hightown, standing in that doorway..."

Her mouth fell open as she struggled to grasp what he was implying, replaying the entire conversation, blushing scarlet to recall the conclusion. "I...I thought it was a…"

"A dream," Cullen finished, his eyes still fastened to hers. "So did I, at first, but it was too vivid, too much like all our other times together. When I asked Carver about his namesake, it confirmed what I suspected, a dreamshare. I researched it, and it's not unheard of, although usually only possible with very strong mages." He dipped his chin, a small smile lifting his lips. "Like you. The only mage I have ever known or heard of that could completely shield their magic."

Her gaze fell to the floor as she tried to make sense of everything. "But...how? I don't understand."

Anders stepped forward, his arms crossed and lips pursed as he looked back and forth between Cullen and Marian. He addressed the templar finally. "Did Marian ever...interact with your blood in any way, or maybe heal you?"

Cullen nodded with a puzzled look at Anders, his gaze returning to Marian. "Yes, she healed me of a very grave wound, the night that she revealed her magic to me. She saved my life, for which I will always be grateful to her."

You suspect something. What does it mean? Hawke asked Anders silently.

It seems you have strong magical abilities over blood, not like what is commonly called blood magic with demons, but your magic actually seems to be blood-based. I think you can bind someone to you with their blood or yours, like you did to me, and apparently to him, as well.

Cullen looked from her to Anders, his eyes narrowed. Am I supposed to be a part of this chat? Because I can hear you both.

Hawke gasped, turning wide eyes to Cullen. You can hear us? But Anders, I thought you said we communicated this way through the taint.

Anders frowned. I thought that was the way we were communicating, but since Cullen is not tainted, maybe it really is all through your magic, alone. That's remarkable, Marian, we should really study this more in-depth. Imagine discovering what could amount to an entirely new school of magic.

Carver was giving them all strange looks, and finally stepped away to pour himself a glass of wine and take a seat.

"Pardon me if I don't jump for joy," she said, going to pour three glasses of wine, giving one each to Anders and Cullen, then taking her own before going to sit on the couch by Carver. "This is all too strange, bizarre even, not to mention awkward." She sipped her wine, her brow furrowed in thought. "Anders, if you really think this blood binding business is all due to my magic, why have I never experienced any of this before now? Why would my father not have noticed, at least? I've been casting since I was three years old, for Maker's sake."

Anders sat in a chair close to her, setting his glass on the low table in front of him. "He wouldn't have known to look for it, anymore than I did. Circle training does not encompass anything beyond what the Chantry considers acceptable, and experimentation is mostly discouraged."

Cullen sat on the chair near Carver. "He's right, Marian. I don't think the Chantry would allow even an acknowledgement of a magic such as yours. All magic involving blood is considered evil and linked with demons."

She raised a brow and crossed her legs, ignoring the way Cullen's eyes followed the movement. "The Chantry is hypocritical, Cullen. Making a phylactery is a form of blood magic, you know? But does anyone call them out on it? No, of course not. Bunch of self-righteous bastards." She drained her wine, her eyes finding Anders. "Do you think there's a range limit with the silent communication? For instance, could you still hear me when you were away this afternoon?"

He sat back in his seat, considering. "I think I still had a sense of you, but I didn't hear you speak to me. Why, did you try to communicate?"

She smiled down at her empty wine glass, running her finger around the rim, knowing Anders would understand what kind of communication with him that she was referring to, of the more sensual variety. She frequently teased him in such a way, but if it were no longer private between the two of them...

"I may have tried to reach you, once or twice. That seems to prove that there likely is a limit as far as distance goes." She turned her gaze to Cullen. "Have you ever heard me, before tonight?"

He shook his head. "Not in the same way, no. In dreams though…" He hesitated, closing his eyes as though struggling, before looking at her again. "There were nightmares. You were suffering, in pain, screaming." He rubbed his brow. "I dreaded sleep during that time."

Anders looked at Cullen with narrowed eyes. "Now, imagine you were the one tending her, the one that heard every cry of pain, every broken scream. Wanting desperately to ease her, but seldom able to. I wonder if you wouldn't have run mad, were you in my place."

"Anders," Hawke murmured, reaching for his hand. "I'm so sorry, love. It isn't fair you had to go through all that, for me."

He squeezed her fingers, his smile warm, the look in his eyes bringing a sharp surge of arousal coursing through her. "You know there is nothing I wouldn't endure for you, Marian. Nothing at all."

Cullen watched their exchange with a frown, but it was Carver who spoke. "Wait, are the two of you...uh, together now?"

Marian shot her brother an amused look. "Yes, obviously. My healer lives with me here, previously I stayed with him. Do you really want intimate details on my relationship with Anders?"

Carver shook his head and drained his wine. "Shit, Mari, just forget I asked."

She shared an amused look with Anders. "Are you both staying for dinner?" she asked, standing to her feet, bringing all three men to theirs. Carver looked at Cullen, who shrugged.

"We can stay if you like, Carver. We aren't on duty again until tomorrow."

Nodding, Carver gave a hesitant smile to his sister, his own version of a peace offering. "Mother will like it if I stay, especially if we look like we're actually getting along, sister."

She tilted her head. "Are we getting along, Carver? Truly?"

He drew a slow breath in, looking older than he had previously. "I think we are, Mari. We aren't children anymore. Don't you think it's about time we moved past old anger and resentment?"

She smiled genuinely and wrapped her arm around his, tugging him toward the door. "I do, brother. Now, I want to hear all about your training. Ser Thrask said you were far and away beyond all the other recruits. Father would be so proud of you."

Anders smiled at the pleased grin Carver wore before the siblings walked through the doorway and out of sight. He knew just how much the reconciliation with her brother meant to Marian, and he was glad of it, for her sake.

"You're in love with her," Cullen stated quietly, with an openly assessing look.

Meeting his gaze, Anders inclined his head. "Fully and deeply, possibly much the same as you. I don't see how anyone could not be in love with her when she is extraordinary in every way. Did you really recruit Carver for Marian's benefit, alone?"

"I did," Cullen replied with a hardness in his voice and eyes. "It was a preventative step. I will never allow anyone to harm her, not on my watch."

Anders smiled, but his eyes were deadly serious, resolved. "Then we share a common purpose, Knight-Captain. As long as you keep to that, you and I will never have a problem. I hope you can say the same."

"Are you boys coming to dinner?" Hawke asked, walking back into the room, tilting her head curiously. "Have I interrupted a chest-beating competition? Can I watch if you're going to continue?"

Smirking, Anders shook his head. "I think we're mostly done, unless you were hoping to come get in the middle of a mage, templar sandwich. I suppose if you're really interested in that, I'm game, but I think the Knight-Captain's head might explode if we suggest it."

Hawke laughed, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "Anders, do try to be nice. Cullen isn't used to such bawdy humor or blatant flirtation. You'll make him blush. Besides, I thought we agreed to swear off threesomes after that unfortunate business with the Arishok."

Anders laughed aloud while Cullen turned to look at Hawke with a bewildered expression. "You aren't serious, are you, Marian?"

"I heard someone say threesome," Isabela said in a sing-song voice, coming into the room and crossing her arms, sizing up the two men. "No fair, Hawke, you have two lovers here and I have none. I want to join in, can't we make it four? I could really use a good smiting, you know. Templars are quite well known for that, from what I hear."

At Cullen's slightly panicked look, Hawke came and slipped her arm around his, leading him back to the door and on to the dining room. "Come along, Cullen, I'll escort you to safety, far away from Isabela."

"Spoilsport," the pirate yelled after them. "Maker's breath," Cullen muttered. "That's worse than trying to avoid the Lowtown doxies. Are your companions always like that?"

She shrugged. "Pretty much, especially Isabela. I'm sure you remember how she was from last time. The banter and flirtation is mostly just for fun and to pass the time on tedious jobs, not to be taken seriously. I'll seat you near Mother, you'll be comfortable there."

After depositing Cullen, Hawke went back in search of Anders, frowning when she couldn't immediately locate him. His taunting earlier in the day about her not making it past dinner without needing him, seemed to be coming true. Especially after the strain of so many emotional extremes she had recently experienced, she was beginning to feel a desperate hunger for his touch.

It was galling to admit he had been right and she had been wrong, even to herself, but it was true. As usual, Anders seemed to know her better than she did. Passing through the kitchen, smiling politely at the cook her mother had recently engaged, Hawke wandered all the way down the steps into the wine cellar, jerking in startlement when the door closed firmly and Anders leaned back against it with an expectant smile. He looked very handsome and dashing in his new coat, something she hadn't had a chance to really notice or appreciate earlier.

"I was just wishing I had a taste of my favorite vintage, and look, here you are. How wonderfully convenient." He smirked when her heart-rate spiked and her lips parted to accommodate her quickened breaths. "I can almost taste you on my tongue, Marian. And after being forced to watch how the templar kept looking at you, I really want to. Why don't you lift your skirt and show me what you're hiding under there, hmm? If it's to my liking, I'll reward you generously."

Giving him a teasing smile, she reached for her skirt where the slit was highest and pulled the whole thing up around her hips, displaying the tiny black smalls that showed much more than they covered. He groaned in appreciation and beckoned her to him.

"Come here, love, I want you to lean against the door and pull up your dress again."

When she did as he asked, he fell to his knees, grabbed her ass with both hands and pulled her tight against his mouth, licking and sucking her right through the sheer smalls. It wasn't a slow, gradual start and build-up, as he had treated her to on many occasions, but immediate, full force and unapologetically intense. Marian shuddered in pleasure from his skilled, eager caresses, looking down and locking eyes with Anders when she felt his magic rise around her.

The air thickened, surrounding her in it, sliding softly over her skin in a silken caress, then thrusting deep inside like a phantom cock, making her cry out at the feeling of being magically taken, something he had never done to her before. Electric tingles raced across both nipples, and when he sucked her clit hard through the smalls, she wailed and shattered like glass, coming in waves that intensified due to his magic, before finally receding.

"Oh, gods, Anders. Every time I think it can't possibly get any better, you prove me wrong." She opened her eyes and gave him an appreciative smile, unsurprised by his smug grin. She moistened her lips with her tongue while he slipped off her smalls, wet from her arousal and his mouth, standing and pressing them against his nose and inhaling with a satisfied sound before slipping them in his pocket.

He pushed his trousers down, lifted her to wrap her legs around him, then thrust into her with a sound deep in his throat. He stared into her eyes with a fierce, almost angry look before he leaned her back against the door. She knew what he needed to hear from her, could see it clearly in his eyes and from the emotion he didn't try to hide.

"Fuck me like only you can, Anders. Only you make me feel this way, no one else."

His eyes gleamed with satisfaction at her words, along with the dark, possessive look she loved, starting to pump into her with hard thrusts that pushed her flush against the door, filling her so full. She slid her fingers into his hair, pulling it free, her eyes full of her love and admiration for all of him, but also awe at his lovemaking prowess. No matter how many times they were together, he always knew just what she needed, what she wanted, even when she didn't know what it was, herself. He was an ocean of love and sensuality, enfolding and caressing her, holding her buoyant when she needed to be lifted up, to float; crashing over her in passion when she wanted to be pulled under and drown in him. And she wanted to drown in him now, to be completely swept away in their shared pleasure. Her eyes glowed with her desire, in golden light, she drew a quick, surprised breath when his eyes did the same. She pulled him closer, licking at his bottom lip before she bit him softly, smiling at his affected moan.

Yes! Give me more of your passion. I want you to lose all control, Anders. Show me what I do to you. We can drown together.

Anders groaned, devouring her lips, sucking her tongue, climber higher, getting closer, thrusting faster. The intensity was ascending to somewhere they had never been before, they raced for it together.

You know what you do to me, love. I have no control, I've already drowned. Only you can save me.

She called up her magic as she had never done before, let instinct guide it. The magic became part of their lovemaking, touching, tasting, teasing him, diving under his skin. His shuddering moan sounded desperate, as desperate as he always caused her to feel, it made her exultant to know she could do the same to him. Her magic skimmed the edges of his pleasure, coaxing, enticing, holding it suspended, hovering…

"Marian...love!" He gasped, licking at her mouth, sucking her lips. She fastened her gaze to his and released her magical hold, letting them fall, letting them shatter, her wail and his shout loud, echoing through the cellar. Shockwaves of shared sensation rippled through them, around them, over them. A small eternity passed in a handful of seconds. Silence before time resumed.

He turned and slid down, his back against the door while he held her close, their bodies still connected. They both panted, attempting to calm their breath and pounding hearts. Anders let his head fall back against the cellar door and closed his eyes, too drained to do anything else.

What the fuck was that, Marian? He sounded equal parts bewildered and amused.

I have no idea, came her laughing reply. I just followed my instincts, for once.

"Good instincts," he murmured, a laugh making her bounce against his chest. "Shit, that was…"

She lifted her head enough to see his face, grinning at what she saw. "You look completely drunk."

He opened his eyes and gave her a slow smile. "I feel completely drunk. I've never experienced anything like that before. I'm not sure I can walk. We may have to sleep down here until the feeling returns to my legs."

She beamed, feeling unreasonably proud at what she had managed to do. "Does this mean the pupil has surpassed her teacher?"

"That depends." He smirked. "If you can do it again, on command, meaning you know exactly what you did and how to reproduce that magic, then I will declare you Premier Mage in Anders Academy of Magical Shagging."

Marian gave a half-suppressed laugh, imagining a framed vellum certificate declaring her an excellent lay. She tilted her head, trying to figure out what she had done. "It was more emotion than anything else, I think. I wanted you to feel as overwhelmed by pleasure, as consumed and surrounded by it as you always make me feel. To give back what you give to me so selflessly." She smiled sheepishly. "How do I reproduce that?"

Anders was looking at her seriously, with such an intensity of feeling that it stole her breath. He pulled her face to his and kissed her softly, sweetly, enough to make her heart twist inside her.

"Saying I love you is such a pale expression for how I truly feel for you, Marian. You make my soul ache, my emotions weep, you're music in the place of pain, illumination in the deepest dark, kindness in a world fraught with cruelty." He stroked a hand across the softness of her cheek, running his eyes across her features, smiling at the tears that rose in her eyes, evidence of her tenderness. He kissed her softly again. "Your name is forever carved into my heart. How can I make you understand what I feel for you when words are so inadequate?"

She smiled through her tears, tracing his jaw with her fingertips. "You just did," she whispered, kissing him with all the love she felt for him. Breathing him in, laying her head on his shoulder to soak in the beauty of the moment and keep it always, as a precious treasure in her memories.

The silence between them was warm and comfortable. Anders finally shifted and she sat up reluctantly, rising off of him so he could also stand, grimacing at the cramp in one of her legs and the trickle of wetness down her inner thighs.

"I'm….messy. I'm going to have to take the servant's stairs and sneak back to our room for a quick clean-up." She grinned at his mussed hair and generally disheveled appearance. "You better come with me, you definitely look freshly fucked."

Anders gave her a slow, satisfied smile and chuckled. "You should see yourself, freshly fucked doesn't even cover it, more like multi-fucked."

She giggled and tilted her head back, breathing deep before she looked at Anders again. "Smells like sex in here too. No hiding it if anyone walked in."

"Who says we want to hide anything? And not sure if you're aware, but you likely sent the templar the full performance of everything we just did." He opened the door and waited. Marian walked up and pecked a kiss to his lips, then smirked.

"I'm aware." She shrugged. "Now he knows what he missed out on."

Anders shook his head. "For such a kind, compassionate woman, you don't seem to mind twisting the knife a bit, do you, Marian?"

She bit her lip with laughing eyes. No one's perfect, Anders.

He gave her a naughty smile, his eyes dancing with mischief. We're perfect, together. Now get your ass to the bath before Idecide I need another taste of my favorite vintage between those thighs.

Marian howled with laughter, then slapped a hand across her mouth to stifle the sound, running up the stairs. Anders grinned and followed.

~O~