Precipice by shadowsong26

Milestones: Chapter 3

Luke was not sulking on the balcony.

Or, well, he was on the balcony, having excused himself from the main room where he'd been allowed to join Mom and Uncle Bail and Aunt Mon for dinner, but he wasn't sulking.

Just...thinking about stuff. Watching the traffic spin by. That was all.

Especially since there wasn't even any reason to sulk right now. It had actually been a nice dinner, and while he hadn't really had much to add to the conversation, the fact that Mom was starting to let him be there and listen to them having serious discussions about the Rebellion...it meant a lot.

But, then again, that was sort of part of the problem. He didn't have anything to add, and as much as he liked getting to listen officially, instead of eavesdropping whenever he thought he could get away with it, being there but not contributing was almost worse.

He'd been out there maybe five or ten minutes when he felt, rather than heard, the door slide open and shut again behind him. He groaned internally-company was the last thing he needed right now-but, well, probably it was just one of his aunts checking to make sure they knew where he was just in case, and then hopefully she'd leave him alone with his thoughts.

Still, it was better to check, instead of just guessing. He closed his eyes, let out a breath, and focused.

Yeah. Definitely one of his aunts, but he couldn't quite tell which one without turning around, which was another frustrating thing. He was still figuring out how to that; how to identify exactly who or what he'd noticed, when he noticed things, without giving too much away.

Leia told him he'd get better with time and practice but…

He had plenty of the first. The second was the hard part.

"Half a credit for your thoughts," Aunt Sabẻ said.

But Aunt Sabẻ didn't need to know all that, and if he told her, she'd probably tell Mom who would start worrying he was making stupid choices that might get him in trouble. Which he wasn't, he was being careful. He knew how to be careful.

He sighed, and kept his eyes on the traffic instead of looking back at her. "I dunno that they're worth that much."

"Even so," she said, coming up beside him and leaning on the railing herself, face turned in the general direction of the Imperial Palace looming on the horizon. "The offer stands."

And then it occurred to him that if Aunt Sabẻ had followed him out here…

"I shouldn't've left dinner like that," he said, looking over at her at last, contrite. "I'm sorry. That was rude."

She shook her head. "Don't worry about that. It was a boring dinner anyway." She gave him a sidelong, sideways half-smile. "Trust me. I know boring dinners."

He rolled his eyes, because that wasn't really true-well, that the dinner he'd left had been boring. The rest of it, maybe. Probably. She'd been to a lot of State Dinners, after all.

Still, the fact that she was joking about it made him feel a tiny bit better.

"Mom's not upset?" he asked.

"No," Aunt Sabẻ said. "Why would she be?"

"I dunno," he said, and turned back to the horizon, watching the lights from the speeders go by.

"I think she knows something's been bothering you, though," Aunt Sabẻ added.

Luke winced a little. "Not really," he lied.

He wasn't looking at Aunt Sabẻ, but he could feel one of her eyebrows going up, and she didn't even bother to point out the obvious lie. "So, what is it, my young lord? Perhaps I can help."

He shook his head. "I'm not…it's dumb, anyway."

"Maybe," she said. "But I'm still willing to listen."

He hesitated for another minute. Because it was dumb, and he knew that, which was why he wasn't sulking out here.

But he was thinking, and sometimes talking things out helped him work through things. Normally, at least for the past three years, he talked to Leia when he was worried about something, but he...couldn't. Not about this. And Aunt Sabẻ was-saying he trusted Aunt Sabẻ was like saying he had blond hair, it was so obvious that it didn't need to be said.

"It's just…" he started, then gave in and let it all come out in a rush. "I just feel sort of…stuck. Like I'm not doing anything."

"Ah," she said.

"'Cause, I mean…Ryoo has her baby, and Pooja's working on that trade treaty for the Queen, and Maia's doing...things." Because there were some names none of them ever said out loud, not on Imperial Center. Not even in the safety of the apartment. And he didn't actually know what Leia was doing, but she'd told him last time they talked that Dad was planning something big for her this week, even if she wasn't sure exactly what. "Not to mention what you and Mom were doing when you were my age. And I'm just…here. Going nowhere."

"You don't need to measure yourself against other people," Aunt Sabẻ pointed out.

"No, I know that," Luke said, because he did, and that wasn't the point. Or, not the whole point, anyway. "It's just…I don't know. Like I said. It's dumb."

"I didn't say that," Aunt Sabẻ said. "Because it isn't. I know that finding the balance between avoiding unwanted scrutiny and finding your own way in life hasn't been easy for you. Especially with-well, you're right. At home, under normal circumstances, your life would be...very different, this year."

"Yeah," Luke said. "I mean...yeah." He stared down at his hands instead of out at traffic again. He maybe felt a little better about it. At least that he wasn't upset over nothing. Aunt Sabẻ would've told him if he was.

They stood there quietly for a moment, letting that sit between them, before Aunt Sabẻ spoke again. "Is that something you want?" she asked. "To run for office, I mean."

"Um." That was...not at all what he'd expected her to say next. Then again, he'd brought up Mom's career first, so he probably should have.

Besides, there was the Conversation he'd had with a handful of Assembly delegates when they were in Theed last week. On the other hand, he hadn't told anyone about that yet, not even Leia-although that was at least partly just because their dreams hadn't lined up since he and Mom and his aunts had gotten back. And it was one of the things he really, really didn't want to talk about right now, no matter how much he trusted Aunt Sabẻ.

"Um," he said again. "Not…no, not run for office exactly, I just want to do something, instead of just staying here and waiting for other people to do things." Especially while my sister is off doing some kind of Mysterious and Important Jedi Thing, and my cousins are building their own grown-up lives and isn't that the point of why we start everyone so young, on Naboo? I'm thirteen. I should be doing something.

Which made him worry that maybe he'd been too quick to turn those delegates down. Except-no, that wasn't what he wanted, and he didn't think he'd be good at it, either, so…

And that just put him right back where he'd started.

Aunt Sabẻ didn't answer him right away, taking some time to think it through. "Most of what I'm about to say," she finally said, "is going to sound placating, like I'm trying to humor you. But please believe that that isn't my intention."

"Okay?"

"I'd have to talk to your mother about specifics," she said. "But we can find a project that will be all yours. Something for you to do, as you put it. Not makework, something real. It all depends, of course, on what you want to accomplish, and what's feasible and comes with an acceptable level of risk."

Which was another part of the problem, and why the whole thing was dumb and he probably shouldn't've said anything, even to Aunt Sabẻ. It went back to what she'd said before, about balancing safety and everything else. Because Luke knew why he had to keep his head down. It was to keep him and his entire family, including Dad and Leia and Uncle Obi-Wan, safe. Because if the Emperor ever found out what he'd learned on Alderaan three years ago, it would put everyone he cared about in a lot of danger.

Then again, Aunt Sabẻ wouldn't have brought it up if she hadn't thought it was possible. And-she hadn't said it straight out, but it occurred to him that maybe it would start to look weird soon if he didn't do anything. Because he was thirteen now, and most kids his age back home on Naboo were entering into some kind of public service, even if they weren't actually holding office, or starting on training for their planned careers in the arts or sciences, or…something.

Or maybe not. He wasn't good at that kind of circular thinking. Lani was, but of course he couldn't tell her about most of this. And, apart from Lani, Aunt Sabẻ was probably the best person he knew at figuring out this kind of problem before it happened. So telling her how…how frustrated and stuck he felt right now was actually probably a good thing. Just because it got that maybe-important conversation started.

Yeah. He was glad he'd done it now.

And she'd asked him what he wanted, so he decided to be honest and ask for the first thing that came into his head.

"Can I go with Uncle Bail on his trip?" Uncle Bail was leaving later tonight to go to the new Rebel base, their very first one. And Uncle Obi-Wan at least would be there, even if Dad and Leia weren't right now. Luke would probably get to finally actually meet Aunt Ahsoka and Uncle Rex, too, which he'd wanted to do for ages. It was a long shot, he knew, but it couldn't hurt to try.

"No, not this time," Aunt Sabẻ said, right away. "But maybe- maybe -on a future visit, if we have time to set it up and put together an adequate cover story for you."

That was actually way, way more than he'd expected. And it helped. It helped a lot, to have that hope to hold on to. Even if it was only maybe.

But because was only maybe, and he didn't know when that 'maybe' would become 'yes,' he still needed something, to make him feel less...useless. Less like he was stuck just watching all his friends and family growing up and doing big important things, for the Rebellion or for their people or even just for themselves, while he got left behind.

"Okay," he said, then took a breath and shot for something a little more realistic. "I wanna learn how to fly. Really fly. A starfighter."

He'd been thinking about that for a while, especially after hearing some of Dad's stories on Alderaan, and in the letters they'd exchanged since then. Mom and his aunts had taught him a lot of useful skills that probably most Senators' kids didn't know, some more legal than others-he could pick most locks, for one thing, and hotwire a speeder, and clean and reassemble a pistol in the dark-but flying had never been one of them. Obviously, he couldn't go to one of the Imperial Academies, and even entering Naboo's planetary security forces might not be the smartest choice, but…

"That, I think we can arrange," Aunt Sabẻ said, with a smile. "But you should start thinking about what you might want to do with those skills, once you have them."

"Right," he said. "I will. I promise."

"There are, for example," she said, "a handful of mercy and relief missions we've considered but set aside, for lack of time and resources. If you took point on that sort of thing-well, we'd probably want you to be able to get to safety on your own, if the worst should happen, anyway."

That made him stand up a little straighter. Like Aunt Sabẻ had said, it wasn't makework, it was real. And it was...it was…

He knew that just preparing for things was important. That there was a lot of background that had to be done first before any real moves or progress could be made. That's what Mom and Uncle Bail and Aunt Mon had been talking about all night. And, now that Aunt Sabẻ had talked him out of his bad mood a little bit, he knew that he was already helping, at least a little-having access to the Palace, because he was friends with Lani, might mean he overheard something Important, even if Mom and his aunts didn't want him to do anything like actively spying. Plus, he gave Lani someone to talk to and trust who wasn't one of her father's minions, and that was good for a whole lot of reasons.

But this would be something...something he could see, where what he was doing felt real.

Obviously, that wasn't why he should do it, but that would...that would help him stop feeling so...so…

Jealous.

He wasn't out here sulking, he was out here feeling jealous.

He didn't like that feeling, but just 'cause he didn't like it didn't mean it wasn't there, or that he could just ignore it and hope it went away on its own. He had to figure out how to make it stop in the right way. And what Aunt Sabẻ was suggesting, doing something obvious and constructive in ways he could see, was probably exactly what he needed.

"I could," he said. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I'd like that."

"I'll talk to your mother in the morning," Aunt Sabẻ said. "To iron out some of the details. In the meantime, why don't you start researching flight schools? I think you know what to look for."

"I do," he said, then reached over and hugged her. "Thanks, Aunt Sabẻ."

"Of course," she said, holding him close briefly before letting go. "I should get back inside. You have another half-hour out here, all right? Then bedtime."

He nodded. "Got it, I'll be in."

"Good," she said, then smiled and slipped back inside, leaving him alone on the balcony, in a much better mood than she'd found him.

He pushed away from the balcony and claimed his favorite chair, where he'd left his datapad after finishing up his homework earlier, and started his search.