Roy woke with a start.
He blinked, slightly disoriented. It was still dark outside, his eyes having to adjust to the moonlight.
The hallway light switched on, and he heard Ed moving around on his mattress, the sheets whispering.
"Fuck," he heard Ed whisper to himself. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
Fuck indeed.
He could feel Ed's mortification through the bond. The stress. The panic. The anxiety.
That had been Ed's dream. And it was immensely embarrassing.
And while Roy had been waiting for this, for Ed to have his turn, he hadn't envisioned it quite like this. Cause while this was embarrassing for Ed, it was also quite embarrassing for Roy himself.
He didn't know what to think of what he'd seen. It was normal for a sixteen year old boy to be popping boners at inappropriate times, sure, but the thought of Ed touching himself with him in mind had something primal stirring inside of him. Something that made his breathing heavier and his mouth dry.
How many times had that happened? Roy couldn't even remember what report that had been. Ed had been in his office so many times over the years, and for Roy at least, the majority of those meetings had been forgettable, a blip in his day.
But for Ed…
He could tease him about it, sure, and that was what he would've done had they not been soul bonded. But now, what would be the point? Ed would be able to feel his emotions, and they wouldn't give him the edge he usually would have over Ed.
Roy took a deep breath, steadying his pounding heart and glancing down at the tent in his duvet, which was growing taller by the second.
No, it wouldn't give him an edge at all.
And to make matters worse, he couldn't even relieve himself. Not with Ed right there. What if he felt his pleasure through the bond? That would be majorly embarrassing, and inappropriate.
He tried to steer his thoughts away from Ed touching himself. He thought of paperwork, of the soul bond, of having to go to Resembool in a couple days. That would be awkward. Especially considering that, knowing Ed, he wouldn't even call in advance. He'd just turn up, with Roy at his side, and he'd have to see the expression on Al and the Rockbells' faces at his unexpected presence.
He knew he wouldn't really be welcome.
The thought was sobering, a spark of disappointment and rejection dulling the desire that had been flowing through him.
No, Roy didn't think he'd be welcome in Resembool at all. Everyone would know who he was, and not for a good reason. During the war, Resembool had taken in many Ishvalans; they'd let them escape through the village and even offered housing, a place to hide.
Roy, the person who'd killed more Ishvalans than he could count, was a villain to that entire village. Did they even care about the efforts he'd made to help rebuild Ishval?
Noticing the way his emotions had taken a turn for the worse, he tried to bring himself back to neutral ground. Now that Ed could feel his emotions, he had to find a way to make them blank too, not just his face. He didn't want Ed knowing anything. Like it should be.
His erection had gone, and he breathed a sigh of relief. Ed's side of the bond was still a mess of emotions, and Roy debated how he'd approach it.
Perhaps he should not mention anything at all. It had been the initial agreement, after all. But if Roy had been so on edge when Ed hadn't said anything about his dream…Knowing Ed, he would implode with stress if Roy acted like nothing happened. Or maybe mentioning it would cause him to die of mortification?
He didn't know which was a more likely scenario.
He'd just reassure him. Yes. That was the kind thing to do, really. Ed had been through a lot, during a time when his body was still developing. Every teenager went through it. It was normal. It didn't mean anything, and Roy knew that. It wasn't like it was Roy himself that was turning Ed on; it could've been anyone even remotely attractive, really…
He refused to ponder why it was him, a man, who had turned Ed on.
Teenage years were just weird like that.
Roy watched the sunrise from his bed, lost in his thoughts.
After Ed's dream, they had predictably not fallen asleep again. So Roy had been awake since 4:30AM. And now it was 6AM. He'd debated leaving the safety of his bedroom and confronting Ed various times, but he'd chickened out.
He closely monitored the bond to check in on the situation that was Ed's emotions.
The panic had eased ever so slightly in the last hour and a half. He was still insanely embarrassed, but Roy hoped he'd pulled himself together well enough to not have a spontaneous reaction when Roy eventually emerged from his bedroom. Ed had a habit of somehow making every situation worse.
Roy hoped the hour and a half he'd given him to prepare were enough.
Getting out of bed, he took his time putting his uniform on. He would've preferred to have a shower first, but confronting Ed in his sweats was not an option. He needed to be General Mustang for this one.
When he was fully dressed, he opened his door, holding his breath.
Ed was predictably by the door on the mattress. The covers had been bunched up roughly on the side, and he was lying on the bare mattress. He was wearing Roy's sweatpants, his boxers in the pile with the mattress covers. Upon seeing Roy, he froze, looking up at him like a deer caught in headlights.
Roy stared back blankly, but his heart was beating hard in his chest. "Good morning, Fullmetal."
Ed blushed a million shades of red, sitting up and avoiding his gaze. "I need to use your washing machine."
Right.
"It's in the utility room. Feel free."
Roy decided to offer him some resemblance of privacy and leaned against the wall by the utility room, listening as Ed figured out his washing machine. Then they walked to the bathroom, where he got in the shower. Roy was polite and didn't ask any questions, but he knew what had happened.
It was hard not to, really. But it was normal. It happened to every man at some point in his life.
It was just unfortunate that it had happened to Ed while he was soul bonded to Roy.
Roy liked to think he was a relatively understanding man. He didn't often feel awkward or uncomfortable, especially in his work. He'd always been charismatic, and he'd dealt with numerous types of people and situations before. But the one area he did know he lacked in was his personal relationships, and while Ed wasn't on that list - he was most definitely on his work relationships list - right now Roy felt awkward.
When he'd emerged from his bedroom he'd decided to act according to Ed's reactions. If Ed mentioned it, Roy would respond. If Ed decided to pretend it never happened, Roy would follow suit. But Roy couldn't quite look Ed in the eye without feeling himself getting a bit hot.
They'd wordlessly gone to the kitchen, Roy switching on his coffeemaker while Ed prepared his cereal. Roy had gotten used to the comfortable silence that had existed between them these past couple weeks, but right now it was a silence thick with tension.
And while Roy wanted to blame it all on Ed, the tight feeling in his chest and the way he avoided Ed's gaze didn't lie.
The one time they did accidentally look at each other, Ed turned bright red and looked mortified. He hurried to his seat at the kitchen table and seemed determined to pretend Roy didn't exist for the rest of his life.
Roy decided some reassurance was in order.
"It's okay, Fullmetal. It happens."
Ed went rigid, his wide eyes staring a hole into his book. Roy could feel the panic and anger rising through the bond, and he paused, reevaluating.
"It happens?"
Roy blinked in slight confusion at Ed's tone. He sounded incredulous, as though Roy had said something absolutely ridiculous. Surely Ed knew ejaculating in his sleep wasn't a unique experience? Or was he more embarrassed about the dream? They were basically the same thing in Roy's book; just teenage nonsense.
Roy was momentarily speechless, his mind trying to get the right angle for this conversation to not end in disaster. Ed beat him to it.
"People jerking off to the thought of you just happens, right?"
Roy met Ed's glare with slight apprehension. Ed had taken him off guard. But his directness always did, even if he didn't show it.
Perhaps he needed to go the teasing route after all. It was the safe route and a cop-out, and he knew it.
Forcing a smirk on his face, he made sure his voice betrayed nothing as he said, "Well of course, who can resist this face?"
Ed's face turned even redder, his golden eyes flashing in that anger Roy had seen plenty times before. One would think that Roy had said the wrong thing, but the familiarity of this interaction felt like safe ground, and Roy felt a moment of relief.
"You're such a fucking bastard, you know that?"
Roy rolled his eyes. He'd been hearing that particular line for the past seven years. He always said it with such animosity too; Roy wondered if Ed would take back the whole 'I don't dislike you' line. It sure sounded like he did sometimes.
"Tell me something new, Fullmetal," he drawled.
Ed paused, his eyes glaring at him as Roy sipped his coffee, leaning against the counter. Getting too close to Ed right now probably wasn't a wise idea.
"Why do you always pretend you're an unfeeling asshole?"
Roy's brows rose despite himself. Ed's voice was now a normal volume, though the anger still lurked beneath his words. Roy had no idea how to interpret what Ed had just said.
"Believe it or not I was actually trying to be nice just now."
Ed eyed him, dubious. "Guess you just suck at being nice, then."
Roy shrugged. "Which makes me an unfeeling asshole. No pretend necessary."
Ed looked at his cereal bowl, frowning. He was obviously thinking about something. Roy wondered, not for the first time, what went through Ed's brilliant mind.
"Why do you put on your uniform every morning?"
Roy frowned in confusion. What was up with Ed's weird questions? "I told you; I need to be in uniform to deal with you."
"Or are you just scared of me seeing who you actually are?"
Roy froze. His chest squeezed, a rock settling in his stomach.
He felt comfortable in his uniform, being General Mustang. His uniform was his most worn article of clothing. It felt like second skin at this point.
He recalled his military academy days, where he, Maes and Heathcliff would cause all types of mischief. He'd been so intent on becoming a State Alchemist, on helping people.
He'd wanted to help ease the conflict with Ishval, be a good soldier.
He'd been naive.
And now, his career, his work, was everything to him. At some point in his life his work persona had just become who he was all the time. Roy didn't think he even knew who Roy Mustang was anymore without a military title being attached to his name.
Becoming Fuhrer was his life's purpose, and that was all that mattered. Everything else was frivolous. As long as he was alive he would never let what happened to Ishval happen ever again.
Ed was looking at him, his expression one of mild concern, and he realised he had just been staring at him blankly for a second too long.
"I'm your commanding officer, Fullmetal. You don't get to see me that intimately."
And as he said it, his throat squeezed so hard he felt momentarily nauseous. Ed was unable to hide the way his face fell at Roy's words, and the stab of rejection was felt through the bond.
In that moment, Roy hated himself.
That was why he didn't have close friends other than Maes. He always kept people at arm's length; most people he got along with were military, so rank was always involved. It always complicated things. And Roy had fully given up on ever meeting a civilian who would understand him. He had never understood how Maes had managed to find his soulmate in Gracia, how she'd understood and accepted the horrors he had been through, and committed.
But Ed had never cared for rank. He treated people based on how he felt about them. He gave respect where it was due, not because of someone's assigned rank.
Ed wordlessly turned back to his book, slowly eating his cereal. Roy could feel his dejected feeling through the bond, and he wanted to apologise, tell Ed he was just an idiot with no close friends, but he couldn't. His throat had closed up.