We want what we want.
The words echoed in Roy's mind as he signed the remainder of the first stack of paperwork.
It was a simple, true statement, but it had stuck with Roy for some inexplicable reason. He didn't know why Ed had said it like that, looking almost sad at the truth of it. Like he couldn't have what he wanted.
Though if Roy thought about it deeper, it made sense that it would be a sad statement for some.
Roy had realised early on in his life that wanting things wasn't the way to go about life. It wasn't the efficient way and it wasn't the way he would reach his goals. Wanting led to making bad decisions and grave mistakes. Wanting things didn't mean he had to have them. A lot of people didn't understand that and went after the things they wanted, consequences be damned.
Discipline, however, Roy treasured. Discipline was how he had gotten to where he was in life. Discipline, in Roy's book, meant taking the path he knew he had to take, the path that would lead to the best outcome possible. It was discipline that would make him Fuhrer, and wanting was a distraction that tripped a lot of people up, but not Roy.
And after Ishval, he didn't even deserve to have things he wanted, not really. Not after what he'd done. His sole purpose in life was to make sure it never happened again. He owed it to the people and families he'd destroyed. It was what he had to do.
He had gotten so good at pushing away his frivolous wants that over the years he had lost sight of what those wants even were. It didn't matter, however. If anything, not having the wanting urges trying to sabotage him made his commitment to discipline even easier. Ed could call him a lazy bastard, but Roy always played the long game.
We want what we want.
Ed's words had triggered something inside him. Nothing to cause him to panic; it was just a small curiosity. A curiosity he hadn't had in years, if ever.
What did he want?
The question was useless and irrelevant, but it echoed in his mind despite it all. It didn't matter what he wanted; he knew what he had to do.
One thing he did know, however, was that the bond was making him want Ed. Badly. So badly that he couldn't ignore it; the want was so strong it demanded to be heard. In the moment it felt like a need. A need as important as breathing.
He cast a quick glance up at Ed, once again scribbling on the couch. He had been quiet after their conversation at the park yesterday. Even when they went back to his house after a long day of work, they had only exchanged the most basic of words, just enough to communicate. Ed wasn't avoiding him, not really, but Roy hadn't really seen his golden eyes since that time in the park.
What did Ed want?
The question entered his mind unbidden, an intrusive thought in the sea of intrusive thoughts he'd been having lately. Roy shouldn't care what Ed wanted; as a commanding officer that didn't concern him. But as Roy, what Ed wanted seemed strangely important.
I didn't want this, you know. To want you.
That was what Ed had said. Implied that he wanted Roy. But it had to be the bond, giving him the same intrusive thoughts Roy was dealing with. And Ed, with his impulsive nature, thought it was what he actually wanted. It made sense, but instead of relief, Roy felt a pang of…of something. Something that dampened his mood just the slightest.
The phone ringing next to him almost caused him to jump. He really did need to get a grip; he was lost in his thoughts way too often lately.
"General Mustang speaking."
"Roy-Boy!"
Roy sighed, relaxing in his chair as the unmistakable voice of Stella entered his ear. Stella, otherwise known as Sister Number Five.
He smiled despite himself. "Stella. What a lovely surprise."
He absently stared at Ed as he spoke, and he noticed his head turn towards him ever so slightly, suddenly aware of the conversation.
"I'm calling to see if you're still alive! I haven't seen you in aaages!"
Roy winced. He hadn't been over at his aunt's bar in a while. "I'm sorry, I've been ridiculously busy. I would suggest dinner but…I'm in a predicament."
Now Ed turned to look at him fully; he was scowling.
Stella's high pitched laugh reached his ear. "Yeah, I've heard about that. You seem to be spending a lot of time with the Fullmetal Alchemist, huh?"
Roy frowned, suddenly alert. He sat up in his chair. "Where have you heard about that?"
"The bar, duh. A couple of military guys have noticed. Nothing too serious, but I think the Madame might have some things to tell you."
Apprehension squeezed Roy's stomach. He knew it; people were noticing. "I'll have to make some time and come over."
Stella huffed. "Of course you'll only come see us for information." But there was a smile in her voice; she knew what he was like. "If you want I can send Vanessa over to yours?"
Roy nodded even though she couldn't see him. "Yes, that would be best."
"Okay, I'll let her know. You're treating me to a lovely dinner after your predicament is sorted!"
Roy chuckled, fondness squeezing his chest. He'd missed her and the rest of them. "I will treat you to whatever you want, Stella."
"Ah, you spoil me, Roy!"
As Roy put the phone down, his kept his eyes on Ed. He wasn't looking at him anymore, opting instead for scowling at the book in front of him. Roy, as usual, wondered what he was thinking. But through the bond, he could tell what he was feeling, which at the moment was just as interesting.
Because Ed was jealous.
Roy put his pen down to rub at his eyes. He hadn't been meaning to work overtime today, but after lunch he'd been overcome by a sense of overwhelm as he looked at the amount of paperwork he actually had to catch up on.
It was dark outside now, and the artificial lighting of the office was straining his eyes.
Ed was sitting on the couch reading. He hadn't really spoken to him much. Thankfully, he hadn't objected to Roy's order — which had annoyingly felt more like a request — to get lunch away from Headquarters today. They'd ended up getting a couple sandwiches from a grocery store and promptly went back to the office.
Roy liked to think Ed just wasn't in a good mood today, but he would be lying to himself. Ed had been fine, neutral, until Roy's chat with Stella. The jealousy flowing through the bond had surprised him, and it seemed like Ed hated feeling it because his mood had been sour ever since. Roy didn't dare speak to him lest he blow a fuse.
He looked over at the paperwork stacks. He'd finished signing two stacks…out of seven. And with every day he attempted to catch up it seemed more was building on the spare desk next to Hawkeye.
Ed yawning had him looking over at the couch. He was now lying down on the couch, facing towards Roy, his book closed on the table.
Tired golden eyes observed him as he organised the papers on his left, preparing to call it a day. It was 8PM, after all.
"You know," Ed said, his voice gruff with tiredness. "For a lazy bastard you sure are a workaholic."
Roy rolled his eyes, but secretly he was a bit relieved. Ed's mood seemed to have eased into something more mellow and tired. "They're important documents that need my signature, I can't just leave them."
Ed made a sound between a sigh and an amused chuckle. His rubbed his face with his hand. "Yeah, I get you're important," he drawled teasingly.
Roy gave him an unimpressed look. "I bet you'd still tell me I think I'm too important when I'm the Fuhrer."
"Correct."
Roy had to stifle a smile. "Your standards for importance must be astronomical then, Fullmetal, because I quite literally will be the most important man in the country."
Ed was silent, long enough for Roy to cast a curious glance at him. He'd finished organising his papers and was technically ready to leave, but the contemplative look on Ed's face made him pause.
Ed was looking at the ceiling when he said, "I've realised something."
The serious way he said it put Roy on high alert. "About the bond?"
Ed shook his head and sat up. He looked a bit sheepish for a moment and Roy relaxed ever so slightly. He shrugged. "I mean, it's nothing important but…"
"Out with it." His curiosity was piqued.
Ed shot him a glare, but then he sighed. His fingers played nervously with a loose string on the couch. He avoided looking at Roy, his eyes on his fingers. "I've always thought of you as Mustang, or Colonel, or Bastard—whatever. You always think of me as Ed. And yet you've literally never called me that to my face."
Roy simply blinked at him for a few seconds.
It was true that Roy thought of Ed as Ed. He used to think of him as Edward or Elric for a brief time, when they'd first met. But when Ed had become a State Alchemist and was given the title Fullmetal, Roy had always thought of him as Fullmetal. When had that changed? He hadn't even realised.
Ed was staring at him now, in slight apprehension. His cheeks were tinged pink. "It's stupid, I know. I guess I just thought you'd think of me as Fullmetal or something since that's what you always call me."
Roy cleared his throat, feeling heat crawl up his neck. Ed only knew that piece of information because he'd seen Roy's dreams; he'd been in his head. The obvious reminder made the embarrassment about it return. "Fullmetal is your State title. As your commanding officer, it is only appropriate I use the State-given name."
Ed was biting the inside of his cheek now, surveying Roy intensely. "That doesn't answer my question though."
"You haven't asked a question," Roy replied cooly.
Ed narrowed his eyes at him in mild annoyance. Roy knew what he was getting at, but he was stalling, just a little bit. Because, in truth, he didn't have an answer for Ed's question.
"So as my commanding officer you have to call me Fullmetal, but you're not my commanding officer in your head?"
That hadn't been the question Roy had been expecting. He stared at Ed blankly, his mind trying to come up with the most plausible—and believable—answer. He came up empty. So he went with a lame, "I occasionally think of Hawkeye as Riza, it doesn't mean anything."
He'd known Hawkeye since he'd been sixteen, before either of them had been in the military. Their relationship was different than the one he had with Ed and he knew it, but perhaps Ed wouldn't.
Ed hesitated, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. He huffed, standing, and shoved his hands in his pant pockets. "Yeah, fine, whatever, let's go home."
Roy could see his cheeks were red, but his hair was covering most of his face. He wasn't going to question it; he was glad that conversation had come to a close.
He stood. "Yes, let's go home."
As he walked down the mostly empty hallways, Ed next to him with his hands in his pockets, he noticed Ed's mood had improved drastically from earlier today.
"Are you done being annoyed with me then?" he said boldly, castling a sidelong look at Ed. What he actually wanted to say was Are you done being jealous? but he didn't. He wasn't in the mood to provoke him right now.
"You annoy me at least once a day so moot point."
Roy's lips twitched up despite himself. While he wasn't in the mood to provoke Ed's anger, he was in a fairly good-natured teasing mood. "What can I say, annoying you is one of my many talents."
Ed snorted a laugh, and he covered his mouth with the back of his hand.
"You think I'm funny now?" Roy pressed when Ed didn't reply.
He glanced at Ed again, noticing he was now smiling. "No, I don't. I think you're lame."
"Harsh."
They settled into a comfortable silence as they exited Headquarters into the warm summer night. The walk home was pleasant and quiet, and Roy thought this was probably the least stressed and on edge he'd been in a while.
It was crazy to think it had already been almost a month since he and Ed had been soul bonded. They weren't much closer to breaking the bond, and while a few weeks ago that would cause Roy to panic and enter catastrophe mode, now he was feeling fairly optimistic about things.
They'd work it out, and until they did, at least he and Ed could get along when needed.
When they got home, Ed had declared his hunger and had been more than okay with Roy ordering Xingese.
Roy had thought they'd have an uneventful, pleasant meal at the kitchen table and then retreat to their respective beds, but watching Ed attempt to eat with chopsticks was proving more entertaining that he'd thought.
"I literally can't fucking do it."
Roy raised his eyebrows, the smirk on his face widening. "I guess the Fullmetal Alchemist isn't good at everything, after all."
Ed shot him a frustrated glare, the chopsticks slipping from between his fingers pathetically. "I'm shit at a lot of things, actually."
Roy smiled. "Ah, yes, of course. Spelling being one of them."
"Bastard."
This had started because Roy had commented how, in the many times they had ordered Xingese, Ed hadn't even tried to use the chopsticks. Ed had huffed and picked them up, and now here they were.
Roy chuckled, picking up his own chopsticks. "This is how you do it."
Ed looked at his hand in utter despair, and then at his own. He fiddled with the chopsticks with his left hand until the placement in his right looked correct enough, but the moment he tried to pick up a noodle one would slip out and clatter on the table.
"Fuck this." He threw the remaining chopstick on the table, and stood to get a fork.
"Didn't peg you for a quitter."
Ed froze, glaring at him so hard Roy could only smile. He was perhaps enjoying this a bit too much.
Ed plopped himself back down, and the determined glint in his eyes Roy knew so well was back. "Is that a fucking challenge?"
Roy shrugged, taking a bite of his noodles from his chopsticks.
He watched as Ed tried again, this time with a strong air of determination. And failed.
"If you don't hurry up your food will go cold."
Ed growled in annoyance, banging the chopsticks on the table. "Can you just shut up?"
Roy rested his chin on his fist, watching Ed with a smirk. "Do you need help?"
Ed looked aghast. "No."
Roy laughed, louder than he probably should've, but it had been exactly the response he'd been anticipating; the absolute horror that Ed would need help from Roy.
Ed watched him laugh with a flush on his cheeks and a scowl on his face.
After watching Ed struggle yet another time, Roy decided to take matters into his own hands. He stood and walked over to Ed's side of the table, leaning over him.
Ed went rigid. He grasped Ed's right hand with his right and the chopsticks with his left, expertly placing them between Ed's fingers. "When you want to pick something up, move this finger."
Roy was aware of the heat radiating off Ed, of the scent he was more familiar with than he should be, but he ignored it all, determined to get Ed to eat his noodles with chopsticks.
A quick glance at Ed's face had Roy stifling a smirk; he was tomato red in the face, glaring at their connected hands, and embarrassment flowed through the bond.
After a few attempts with Roy holding Ed's hand, he seemed to get the hang of it. He was slow with it, and entirely too impatient when it came to food, so he ended up getting a fork anyway.
When Roy pulled away and retreated back to his seat, he couldn't quite keep the grin off his face at the way the bond let him know flustered Ed was. He finished off his noodles and watched Ed scoff his with his usual gusto.
Roy smirked. "By the time we break this bond, you'll be an expert in chopsticks, Fullmetal."
Ed paused, his fork midway to his mouth. "Just call me Ed already," he said, and continued eating.
Roy had no reply to that, his smirk slipping from his face.
Ed. It was on the tip of his tongue…
He couldn't do it. He couldn't get casual with Ed. He shouldn't. Because deep down he knew he'd be crossing a line he would never be able to come back from. Ed wouldn't understand; to him, it was just his name. But to Roy, it was weirdly more than that.
As he watched Ed finish off his food, his words from yesterday echoed in his mind again and a rock settled in his stomach.
We want what we want.