Roy hadn't slept a single second.

He'd snoozed, meaning he'd lain in bed, eyes closed, but he hadn't slept. He'd thought. Because his brain had been functioning again and it had gone straight into damage control.

He was actually thinking so hard that, come 4AM, he sat up, his fingers itching to get this all down on paper. To analyse. To plan. To figure out just how much this could cost him.

He reached into his bedside drawer and groped around in the dark. Realising he'd actually shoved way more crap in there over the years than he thought, he relented and switched his bedside lamp on. He hadn't wanted to alert Ed in any way, shape, or form that he was awake, even though Ed already knew.

He looked into his drawer with a frown, shuffling round some random bits of paper, pill bottles, a pair of his pyrotex gloves, lighters, an small, unopened bottle of cherry lube he'd won at Havoc's weird sex-themed party three years ago, and pulled out a notebook and pen.

He sat back on the bed, flicked the notebook open to a blank page and tore the cap off the pen with his teeth. He hadn't used this notebook in years. This had been the very notebook he'd used to write down all his therapy-given homework after Ishval.

And now he was going to use it to figure out how screwed he was.

In handwriting so shit it would make Ed proud, he wrote How Fucked Am I, at the top of the page, followed by:

1. Fraternisation.

This one was the big one. Ed was his subordinate. He had just had sexual relations with his subordinate, an act very much illegal that not only could get him dishonourably discharged but also court-martialled. Both meaning he would never be Fuhrer.

Already that classed him as Extremely Fucked.

Fuck.

He took a deep breath and continued.

2. Gender.

Ed was male. It was a fact he was very well acquainted with, and after tonight even more so. Inappropriately acquainted with—

Fuck.

He had only ever dated women. Wanting Ed like that… It wasn't what the public expected of him and it wasn't what he expected of himself. Amestris wasn't there yet; the general public wasn't open to anything other than old, traditional love values and stereotypes. Marriage was only allowed between men and women—and Roy did have plans to change that, but not right now. He was powerless right now, until he reached the top.

But even if Amestris was open to all types of love, the fact remained that Roy couldn't think of an instant where he'd been attracted to a man. He had never been in love, hell, he'd never even been in a long term relationship, but Roy knew that if he were to meet someone he wanted it wouldn't be a man. Right?

It shouldn't be a man; it would complicate things too much with his public image. And certainly shouldn't be Ed.

The public opinion of him would plummet, undoing all the work he'd been doing after Ishval for people to just think him mildly fucking decent, and while he didn't necessarily need it to become Fuhrer, he had plans to turn Amestris into a democracy, and he at least wanted people to like him enough to vote for him.

But what if he lost the respect and support of those around him? Grumman believed in him, and so did his team, and if he lost them he could kiss Fuhrership goodbye.

3. Edward Elric

Roy gulped as he wrote Ed's name on the page. It somehow made things even more real. The biggest problem indeed was that this was…

It was Ed. The kid he'd met and recruited at eleven years old simply because the document he'd been given had printed his age wrong. Ed was, and had always been, off limits.

There was so much history there. And he was so much younger than Roy. People would think he'd been a sick, disgusting man, who had not only enlisted a kid into the ranks, but also abused—

Oh God.

He put the notebook down and rubbed his temples.

All the thinking, combined with the alcohol and the lack of sleep—and perhaps the panic too—made for a killer headache.

Maybe he was old after all. And Ed was not. Ed was—

He looked at his bedroom door, seeing the fucking thread of the fucking bond, and sighed.

This was all the bond's fault. Roy knew that to be true. He had always had other priorities in life; learning alchemy, his military career, surviving a war, his life's goal to be Fuhrer.

And it had been easy to maintain those things as number one on his priority list. He didn't stray; he'd always been good at separating his emotions from his actions.

Until now.

He hadn't felt this need before with anyone, a want so strong he lost control over himself. And he had never even felt it with a woman, never mind a man, and never mind Ed.

But now the bond was making him want Ed in this weird way. It was just an alchemical influence.

But people wouldn't see it like that.

He hadn't heard a peep from Ed all night. He wasn't sure if he was even lying on his mattress outside Roy's door, but since he wasn't feeling any tugs or stabs he assumed he was.

His chest squeezed in apprehension as he dared to focus on the bond and feel what Ed felt in that moment.

A tired weariness. Disappointment, concern. That sulky feeling he'd been feeling after they'd kissed for the first time and Roy had blanked him for a whole day.

Guilt gnawed at him. He wasn't being fair on Ed; he was likely as freaked out and confused about what was happening between them as Roy was, but in the most shocking turn of events, he seemed to be handling it a whole lot better than Roy.

But then again, he didn't have as much to lose.

The worse thing that would happen to Ed if people found out about their indiscretions would be people judging him, and him being dishonourably discharged from the military.

And Ed had made it clear enough that he didn't care about people judging him, nor did he give a shit about the military. Perhaps people would even pity him, thinking him a victim of the morally corrupt and emotionless Roy Mustang. Perhaps he wouldn't even be discharged, simply moved command and receive a lot of pitying glances.

Roy had always cared what people thought of him. The last few years, since he'd made the decision to manipulate people's opinion of him as part of his plan to become Fuhrer, he'd convinced himself he'd only started caring of people's opinions of him after Ishval.

But he had been lying to himself. For he remembered, even in his teens, caring about his peers' opinions of him. He recalled how he never liked feeling behind, how he always wanted to be one step ahead. Hell, Roy remembered how, at sixteen years old, he'd dated a girl from his class simply because he'd ended up being the only one in his friend group without a girlfriend.

That relationship had lasted a whole five months, after which she had actually dumped him, claiming she felt he didn't even like her. Roy had been focused on becoming the best at fire alchemy at the time; priorities.

He flopped back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling slightly less panicked and more tired. He noticed the room was brighter; the sun was beginning to rise.

And Roy hadn't slept a single second.

A knock on his door had him pathetically flinching to a seated position, fingers dangerously close to snapping out of instinct.

"Are you done freaking out?"

Ed's voice had his whole body stiffening, his jaw clenching. He had to face this, he had to face Ed.

"No." The word was slightly strained, spoken through clenched teeth.

Coward.

Ed snorted. Roy glared at the door.

A moment of silence ensued, during which he felt Ed's awkward hesitation through the bond. He braced himself.

"Do you wanna maybe, like, talk about it?" He cleared his throat, and Roy could picture his grimace, his cheeks flushed in slight embarrassment.

No. No, he really didn't want to talk about it.

"There's nothing to talk about."

He truly was a coward.

He swore he felt Ed roll his eyes. "Okay, be a fucking child then."

And before Roy could process the annoyance that had sparked in him, he felt a tug through the bond and heard a door shutting as Ed disappeared into the bathroom.

He was not going to let Ed act like the bigger man. He might be handling this fucked up situation better than him, but Roy could damn well pretend he was dealing with it just fine. He was a fucking expert at pretending, after all.

By the time Ed exited the bathroom, clad in only boxers and towel drying his hair, Roy had prepared himself. He was standing by the door to the bathroom, dressed pristinely in his goddamn uniform, and ready for his morning coffee.

Ed paused on the threshold of the door, and Roy's nonchalance would've potentially been believable had he been able to look at Ed.

Ed was silent for a few seconds longer than what Roy thought to be acceptable. The urge to look at his face was strong, his curiosity piqued, but he couldn't for the life of him do it.

"Do you regret it?"

Roy had not been expecting that question. His face remained blank as he braved a side glance at Ed, quickly taking in his serious expression. He looked like he was bracing himself for Roy's answer.

Because he was expecting Roy to say yes. That yes, he regretted what had happened with his whole being. That it would never happen again. That he didn't want it to happen again.

That was the right thing to say. What he should say. What the potential consequences of what they'd done demanded he say.

But instead, his voice said, "No."

And it shocked both him and Ed equally.

And perhaps that was where the panic had stemmed from. Because if Roy had truly regretted it, if he was so sure it would never happen again, he would've just told Ed openly, honestly, that he didn't want this.

But he was panicking, because the thought of never touching Ed again was not only unappealing, but downright painful to think about.

He didn't regret it, no. Because he'd liked it. Because a part of him had felt more alive than he'd ever had.

To make matters worse, he'd do it again, consequences be damned.

And that was the scariest part of all, because it changed everything.

The strong scent of coffee grounded him. His mouth was practically salivating for the stuff. He was so, so tired, and right now he was running on pure adrenaline. He preferred running on caffeine.

Ed busied himself next to him, pouring himself a dry bowl of cereal. The air was tense, at least on Roy's side. He didn't know how to feel in Ed's presence anymore. He could barely look at him, and yet his fingers yearned to touch him. It didn't help that he was barely dressed; his bare chest was tantalising, making him want to feel the warmth he knew awaited him when he touched his skin.

Roy was uncomfortable with his body's utter betrayal.

But Ed was calm. A bit disheartened, but mostly just calm. And it absolutely baffled Roy how Ed was dealing with this better than him.

"How are you not affected by this?" he found himself blurting out, his voice incredulous. He braved looking at him, watching carefully as Ed's eyebrows rose in slight surprise. Surprise at the question or surprise at being spoken to?

Perhaps his question had revealed just how affected he truly was (as if Ed hadn't already guessed), and highlighted just how well Ed was dealing with this in comparison to Roy, but he was too past it to care. He really, really wanted to know how Ed wasn't freaking the fuck out, even a little bit. How could he be so calm, when Roy was on the verge of a complete breakdown? That was not how things usually went. Not at all.

Ed frowned at him, his golden eyes searching Roy's face so intently he looked away. "Affected how?"

Roy was incredulous. Was he being serious right now?

How he wished for a glimpse at Ed's thoughts. The price he'd pay to read his mind in that moment, to figure out just what was going through his head and get all the answers to his questions.

How did he even phrase this question?

Words deserted him for a moment, and he just stared at Ed, hoping he would somehow understand what Roy meant simply by looking at him.

When Ed stared back, silent and slightly confused, Roy took a deep breath. "What happened last night…" he started, his stomach squeezing so hard he thought he would be sick. His neck felt hot. "You can't tell me you expected that."

Ed flushed ever so slightly at the mention of last night, and for a moment averted his gaze. "I mean, no, not really."

Roy was inwardly begging for him to elaborate. He cleared his throat, and sipped his coffee. They were still standing by the counter, and he momentarily wished he'd been sitting for this conversation.

He thought of how, really, Ed hadn't been affected by the bond as much as him. They still mostly saw his dreams, and Roy had much more to lose.

"It appears that maybe the bond has a stronger influence over me than you."

Ed cocked an eyebrow, and he looked so absolutely done with him. "You still think it's the bond?"

He would actually go insane if he pondered the potential meaning of Ed's tone. "Of course it's the bond, you and I had never shown interest of this nature towards each other before the soul bond."

Ed was silent, and with each passing second Roy could feel his heart rate going faster. He didn't know what he was expecting Ed to say to that. He didn't know why his body was reacting in this way, but he was already slightly panicking again, apprehensive over the words Ed would choose to hurl at him this time. Not knowing what to expect and how to best prepare rattled him.

Ed sighed, finally. "I just thought the notion that you would want me was ridiculous."

"It is ridiculous," Roy found himself snapping, his heart pounding in his chest. Why didn't Ed understand that the sole reason they both wanted this so badly was because of the bond?

Ed grimaced, averting his gaze again, and Roy belatedly realised how that had sounded. He'd opened his mouth, to apologise, to fix the blunder he so rarely made when it came to phrasing, but no sound came out.

He'd been ready to say Ed. It had been on the tip of his tongue, but he hesitated. It wasn't appropriate, but Fullmetal now, insanely, seemed too formal. Perhaps Edward would be adequate?

"I mean, I get it." Ed shrugged, but he wasn't looking at him. "You're you and I'm…me."

Ed putting himself down made a strange feeling erupt in his chest. He didn't like at all, and it made him want to touch him, hold him, reassure him. Roy pushed past the lump in his throat. "Edward, you're the smartest person I know, and the best alchemist I've ever met."

Was that the right thing to say? It was the truth, but nowhere near the full truth, not even the tip of the iceberg. Ed was simply so stunning he rendered Roy speechless. How could he possibly convey that to him in words?

Ed winced. "Yeah, best alchemist. Let's be real, that's why most people tolerate me anyway." He huffed an empty laugh. "And I'm not even an alchemist anymore."

Roy's eyes widened in surprise. "Of course you are." How could Ed not consider himself an alchemist anymore? The notion was absurd.

Ed shook his head, staring absently at his still-full bowl of cereal, and a thought occurred to Roy, a possibility, but he was too much of a coward to ask in that moment. Just in case it wasn't true. Just in case he upset Ed further.

He kept it to himself.

He cleared his throat, taking another sip of his coffee. "Anyhow," he started, wanting to steer the conversation away from Ed putting himself down; it was feelings he didn't know how to navigate but he desperately wanted Ed to stop feeling bad about himself. "The fact remains that we mostly view my dreams at night, and that I seem to feel the bond's effect more…urgently." What a fucking understatement. "We need to figure out why that is."

Ed was chewing on the inside of his cheek, very obviously thinking. Thinking of what to say, or debating whether to say what he wanted to say? Roy waited, slightly apprehensive.

When he looked back at him, his beautiful golden eyes were tinged with sadness. "I don't repress who I am," he said, and Roy's entire body tensed. "I am who I am and I own what I want. Your baggage is insane."

Roy simply stared at him.

That stung. It stung more than Ed probably meant for it to sting.

Ed paused, exhaling roughly. "That came out wrong."

No, Roy thought. It came out too right.

A/N Roy's starting to finally realise some things... 👀