Chapter Eight
Nel watched out the window as Will sat with his old wardmates in the courtyard. Judging by their expressions, he had just passed along her invitations to the wedding.
She really didn't know any of Will's old friends that well, only Horace, but seeing the looks on their faces and Will's, she was glad that she had found a way for them all to spend some more time together. It was clear how much he had missed them. She knew that he spent a regular amount of time with Jenny as she still lived in Redmont, and that he made the effort to see Horace whenever he could, but Alyss was always traveling as a courier and George was quickly becoming one of the top scribes in Araluen. Seeing them was always much more difficult than Will admitted.
She turned her attention back to her sketchbook, strengthening the lines of the dress she was drawing. She wasn't really focused on the new picture, letting her hand decide for itself what it was going to be.
Nel was killing time until Pauline and Cassandra arrived. Now that Will's graduation ceremony was done, she was running out of ways to postpone the wedding planning.
At least, ways that Pauline would accept.
It wasn't that she hadn't always dreamed of her wedding. Every girl had at some point. But she had just always hoped to plan it WITH her fiance.
The fact that she hadn't met the man and was now planning a wedding he had to take part in was strange to say the least. What if he ended up hating all the choices she made? What if there were certain traditions of his own that he had hoped to use? What if he refused to marry her once they met, making all the planning completely pointless?
What if they hated each other?
The 'what if's raged around in her head, completely making her lose track of time. A sharp knock on her door startled her out of her thoughts. A moment later Cassandra burst through the door without waiting for her response, Lady Pauline following behind.
This had become the standard way for the two of them to enter her room, so Nel didn't even bat an eye.
"Drawing again?" Pauline asked.
Nel nodded, "Just passing time."
Cassandra walked over to where Nel sat next to the window, looking at her latest sketch. When her face grew concerned, Nel gave the page a proper look herself, almost gasping at the sight.
She had drawn herself, in a wedding dress, next to a man with no face.
"Is this you being excited or scared?" the princess asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I…I didn't even realize I was…" her response trailed off as she continued to look at the picture in shock.
"Worried, perhaps?" Pauline suggested, having come over to look at the picture as well.
Nel nodded slowly. Pauline must be right. Nel hadn't even been paying attention to what she was drawing.
Pauline gently put her hand on the girl's shoulder, making the girl look up at her. She knew that the shy girl had been procrastinating on planning the wedding, nervous over the whole situation. Pauline was head of the Diplomatic Corps, so it wasn't hard for her to figure out that Nel was avoiding all the looks she had been receiving since getting engaged. But, other than that, she had no clue what was going through her mind.
Then, Pauline wondered, did anyone know what was going through Nel's mind at the moment?
Pauline knew from experience that Nel wasn't one to volunteer information. The only thing she had been saying lately was that she was happy to serve her country.
The courier turned her gaze onto the princess. In all rights, it should be Cassandra who was engaged right now. She knew that the blonde girl felt horrible about what Nel was going through, about how Nel had been forced to take her place. It was the main reason why Cassandra had been trying to help her so much. To try to make up for it.
Finally, Pauline glanced at the stack of papers she had brought into Nel's room, filled with wedding details. Making a quick decision, Pauline turned back to the other two.
"What do you say we get some food and talk for a while? Just relax?"
They looked at her in confusion.
"But, I thought we had to deal with the seating chart?" Cassandra asked.
Pauline shrugged, "We can do that later. One day off isn't going to hurt the wedding plans."
"But we've barely begun as it is!"
Pauline raised an eyebrow at her, watching the princess critically, "Well, if you really want to spend the next three hours trying to figure out which officials can sit next to each other without starting another war, be my guest. But we are ordering lunch."
The princess's expression instantly took on a mischievous look, "Allow me."
In less than an hour, the three ladies had gotten an array of food from the kitchens along with plenty of coffee. Nel didn't know when exactly it had become their comfort drink of choice, but couldn't deny that the caffeine was doing wonders to calm her nerves.
Nel reached forward to grab another cookie. Cassandra had ordered up plenty of treats for them and now lounged on Nel's bed, enjoying a slice of cake. Sometimes, it was really nice to be a princess.
Pauline smiled at the easy going manner between the two girls. Everyone had been so high strung lately, there was no doubt that they needed this.
Not knowing that Pauline was thinking the same thing, Nel stretched out in her chair before coming to the exact same conclusion.
There was no pressuring for wedding details or talk of the war. No guilty looks from Duncan or sympathy from anyone else. Even the pitying looks from Cassandra and Pauline had stopped. For a moment, she could pretend that they were just relaxing after a long day's work.
She was going to miss this in Arrida.
"Nellie, how's that encyclopedia of yours coming along?"
She cast a guilty look at her desk, avoiding Pauline's gaze. All of them knew that she had been burying herself in her studies as a way to avoid wedding planning.
Pauline just laughed at the expression on her face though.
"I mean, you must have it done by now." Cassandra joked.
"Not yet," Nel blushed, "But it's not like a lot of people know about it to begin with. It was just something I wanted to do."
"I think it'll be a huge help," Pauline put in, "It's been a long time since anyone updated the medical books."
Cassandra's face suddenly lit up, "Wait a minute! I just realized something!"
"What?" Nel asked, giving her a small smile.
"When you're in Arrida, you're going to have the chance to study so many new herbs that no one in Araluen has had before!" she yelled excitedly.
Nel's eyes widened as she realized that she was right, "Oh my goodness…that's true!"
"Last I heard, the Arridi had a university that focuses on medicine. Their doctors are the most accomplished in the world." Pauline put in thoughtfully.
Cassandra laughed, "Look at you! Gonna be the world's best healer before you know it!"
Nel blushed intensely, "I-I wouldn't quite say that."
"Well I am," Cassandra said matter-of-factly, popping another bite into her mouth, "You need something to look forward to over there after all."
Pauline raised her eyebrows at her, "Well don't you sound like Halt?"
Cassandra shrugged again, "He's not wrong. Despite the treaty, and marriage, relationships between the two countries are still strained. It's going to take a while for the Arridi to get used to Nel. Just like if one of them moved to Araluen. It wouldn't be an easy transition."
Nel's face fell as her words sunk in. So much for not thinking about all that.
Cassandra winced, catching sight of her friend's face, "Sorry."
"It's ok." she muttered.
"Well, now that we've opened the box," Pauline sighed, leaning forward to turn her full attention onto Nel, "How are you feeling about all this? Truly feeling?"
Nel sighed, thinking over her words and eventually settling on-
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
She gave a noncommittal, half-shrug, wrapping her arms around herself, "It's strange. Weird, I guess."
"How so?" Pauline asked, genuinely curious.
"Like…I can't really focus on the wedding. I'm too worried about him. About if we'll be able to learn how to be happy together. What our life will be like. And then I think about everyone here in Araluen. My family and friends. I'll rarely see any of you again. My entire life, everything I've been working towards, was it all for nothing? Should I even keep practicing as a healer? Will I be able to be one in Arrida? What exactly am I going to do over there? Once I'm married, is that it? Do I lose all freedom? Yet, at the same time, none of it has truly sunk in yet. It doesn't feel real because I haven't met him. What about-"
Her myriad of questions was cut off by Cassandra's sudden hug, the blonde seemingly attaching herself to the older girl.
Nel was very confused, but returned the hug.
"I'm sorry," she muttered, pulling back enough to look at her, "I'm sorry Nellie."
"It's not your fault." she said, grasping Cassandra's hands in her own.
"Might as well be." she scoffed, "It was my dad. My country. We should be forced to plan my wedding right now. All of your worries should be mine. The-"
"Are you saying that you want to marry the Wakir?"
Cassandra opened her mouth to respond, but closed it when she saw the knowing look in Nel's eyes.
"No." she said, sighing.
Nel gave her a sad smile, "Just because I'm nervous doesn't mean that I didn't choose this Cass. Yes, there is more to it all than I expected, but I don't regret my choice."
She huffed, "You will. Then you'll be mad and point out that all your freedom was stolen and given to me."
Pauline walked forward, gently laying her hands on the princess's shoulders, "I can't see Nellie getting mad at you at all."
"Nellie doesn't have a cruel bone in her body." Cassandra snorted.
Nel gasped, pretending to be insulted and all three of them began to laugh, the two younger girls trading looks.
They'd be ok. Nel really could never blame Cassandra for all of this. She'd had as much say as Nel did in the situation.
Pauline smiled again, reaching forward to brush some hair out of Nellie's face, "I wouldn't worry about your freedom. Marriage doesn't stop you from living your life. It just means you get to live it with someone else." It may have been cliche, but it was the best advice that she could offer Nellie at the moment.
"I'd always hoped to be married one day. I just…didn't imagine it would be like this." she admitted.
"Trust us, no one did." Cassandra stood back up and folded her arms over her chest, looking significantly more like her usual self.
"Lady Pauline…why have you never gotten married?" Nel asked, looking up at her curiously.
Pauline smiled softly, "Just never came up I suppose."
Cassandra raised an eyebrow, "Never came up? You are one of the most accomplished women in Araluen, succeeding where dozens of men guaranteed you would fail, not to mention you are one of the most beautiful, respected, and eligible women in the country. Tell me, how exactly has it never come up?"
Pauline sighed, giving a slight shrug, "I'll admit, I've had my share of marriage proposals, but I had a choice in all of it. And I chose not to settle for a man I didn't love."
"You've never been in love?"
"Oh, I didn't say that. But he just never proposed." she said.
Cassandra and Nel shared a confused look.
"What do you mean?"
"He…well, he's always been very dedicated to another woman in his life."
Nel, who had just taken a drink of coffee, began coughing violently, sputtering out, "You fell in love with a married man?!"
Pauline chuckled, "Of course not. I mean, he was married when we met, but I fell in love with him much later, after he was widowed."
The girls both breathed a sigh of relief.
"So, what did you mean then?" Cassandra asked.
"I just said that he was dedicated to a very important woman in his life, not that it was his wife," Pauline explained, moving to sit back down in her chair, "But that's ok. I'm perfectly happy with loving him from afar. There are much worse things in life than unrequited affections."
With that, they found they couldn't argue.
"I'm sorry."
The words were out of his mouth before he had even decided to say them.
Halt didn't respond, but his hand clenched tighter around his coffee cup.
Duncan had been walking past when he saw Halt's bedroom door open, walking in before he could convince himself otherwise.
The two of them had been through much together, including many disagreements. There was almost nothing that the king would deny him. From the rescue Halt and Crowley had staged for him when they met, fighting in both wars against Morgarath, the countless other ways that Halt had helped Araluen over the years…
And yet their friendship had never been more strained than it was now.
Halt had spent the past few weeks insulting him whenever he got the chance, 95% of the time directly to his face, although not at a formal event, luckily.
But they hadn't had a chance for a real conversation. At least, that was what Duncan had been telling himself. In truth, they had both been avoiding it.
But now the words were out in the open.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, walking a few more steps towards the Ranger.
Halt still didn't respond, staring at the papers on the table he had been reading before Duncan had shown up, but not registering the words on them.
Duncan continued, "It kills me that Nel has to go through this."
"Then don't make her."
He sighed, "I don't have a choice. We need this alliance."
"You always have a choice." Halt said darkly, looking up to glare at him, "And you chose Nel. You chose her without even asking if she was willing. You took away her choice."
"Halt-" Duncan tried, but Halt cut him off, standing up and slamming his hand on the table angrily.
"No, shut up and listen. You knew Nel wouldn't say no, not to you and not to her country. You knew she would do anything you asked because that's who she is. But that doesn't mean that what you did was right. Instead, you seem determined to live your life surrounded by advisors that you say you trust and then completely ignoring them. I don't think you even realize how idiotic that was! This wasn't the first time you've ever pulled a stunt like this and it certainly won't be the last. And you think saying 'sorry' is enough? That it makes up for ruining my daughter's life? For marrying her off to a man that none of us have ever met? She's already lost so much and you're just taking more!"
"I had to do what was best for Araluen!" Duncan burst out, yelling so loudly that Halt's eyes actually widened in shock from the force of it, "If we lose the Arridi, we lose the war! If we lose the war, Nel doesn't have a future!"
"And if we win, she doesn't have one!" Halt shot back, "She'll be stuck in a loveless marriage with a complete stranger! Either way, Nel loses!"
Halt stood as tall as he could, glaring at Duncan as if looks could not only kill, but kill through the worst torture he could imagine, veins sticking out on his neck and forehead, "You had no right to make this choice."
"I'm the king, I have every right."
Halt scoffed, "And that justifies ruining an innocent girl's life?"
Halt shook his head, looking away from him. Taking a deep breath, his voice was much quieter, much more forlorn, when he started talking again, "You already took my wife. Why couldn't you leave my daughter alone?"
Duncan's face fell at the words, sadness coating his features. Reaching out, he made to put a hand on the Ranger's shoulder, "Halt-"
Halt shook him off before Duncan even touched him, jerking back to stare at the taller man. His face was still full of anger, but his eyes held a sort of broken sadness, one Halt normally kept very carefully hidden. It was a long moment before he spoke, struggling to get his emotions under control.
"You are my king and I have sworn to serve you and Araluen. But don't assume, even for a second, that I will be able to forgive you for this."
Halt turned around, not waiting for his response before leaving the room.