Chapter Twenty Three
Warning: Discrimination and bullying in this chapter.
Nel truly hadn't needed anything from the market, but she went anyway. Plus, the idea of being cooped up in a building all day after a fight didn't appeal to her.
She wasn't even sure where exactly it had gone wrong, but his words kept ringing through her head, the memory stinging painfully.
The market place wasn't that full in the morning, but a few traders had made their way in. Nel stopped by one of their booths. She'd skipped breakfast, something that her stomach growled at her for, and the fruit they were selling looked fresh and delicious.
She waited patiently as the woman in front of her finished her own shopping, handing over a small handful of dirum to pay for the few apples she'd bought. As she walked away, Nel stepped forward, smiling politely. The trader, a short man with a very wrinkled face, glared at her.
"Two please." she said. Her Arridan was still a little choppy, but she felt confident in her pronunciation.
He huffed, picking up two tiny apples from the back. Nel tried not to make a face at how bruised they look, glancing towards the fresh apples near the front.
"Ten dirum." he huffed.
Nel's jaw dropped, "T-Ten?"
He nodded, holding out his hand.
"Th-That's more than double what you asked her." Nel tried to point out as politely as she could, glancing towards the woman who had just left.
"My fruit, my rules. That price was for her. For you, ten dirum." he spat to the side, still glaring at her.
Nel sighed, "A-Alright. C-Could I at least have some of these fresh ones?" she picked up one of the apples near the front of the cart hopefully.
The man snapped it out of her hands in a second, growling at her, "Those are ten each."
Her eyes went wide, "E-Each?"
He nodded, putting the fresh apple down.
Nel sighed, handing him the money. The man sneered and made sure to count it before handing her the two bruised apples and waving her off.
Nel frowned and left the market quickly after that, suddenly not as hungry.
She continued to walk through the town, trying to ignore the stares she got. She made her way to the harbor. It always felt a little cooler down here due to the water and the light breeze that blew across it felt nice after the desert heat.
Nel set on a crate when she got there, pulling out her sketchbook from her bag. She hoped that drawing would relax her, or at least distract her, but she stopped short when she opened her sketchbook. Her most recent picture stared up at her accusingly, Selethen's eyes boring into her own.
It was a simple portrait. She'd caught him smirking to himself over breakfast the other day for some reason or other. She'd memorized his expression, drawing it the next chance she could. It went right along with the other sketches of her husband she'd made.
Nel didn't know why, but it was like he was the only thing she could draw since arriving in Arrida. Sure, she had sketches of the town or the hospital, even Maajid and Aloom, but there was no doubt that the Wakir had taken over her sketchbook.
Nel sighed, not exactly knowing how to react to that knowledge. It wasn't, well, comfortable, knowing he had inadvertently invaded her hobby like this.
But he was her husband. If anyone was going to be at the forefront of her life, wouldn't it be him? Shouldn't it be?
She bit her lip thoughtfully, taking a bite of one of the apples, before turning to a new page and sketching the harbor. She'd apologize when she got back later, but until then she was going to try to enjoy a day off.
It didn't last. Nel was able to get through sketching two of the boats before one of the sailors huffed at her to leave.
Nel gathered her things quickly, deciding to head to the hospital. Maajid had said she didn't need to come in today, but at least she knew she wouldn't be in the way there. Even if she was completely ignored at the hospital, at least she would be able to do something.
The hospital wasn't as busy that day. The clinic, as always, was filled with citizens of Al Shabah, but there didn't seem to be any surgeries that day at least.
Nel made her way upstairs where the rooms for medicine creation and experiments were. To the left were the storage rooms where they kept everything they created and at the end of the hall was the medical library that Maajid was trying to create. He'd had a fair number of medical texts when he came to Al Shabah, but was always ordering, and writing, new ones. Nel smiled at the thought of her friend. He was determined to document everything there was regarding the human body and publish all his findings. Part of her hoped that he and Malcolm could meet one day and compare notes. She could already imagine the debates they'd have regarding their personal discoveries.
Nel turned to the right and made her way to the work area. A few others were already there, hard at work. Setting up at an empty table, Nel pulled forward some herbs and got to work.
Nel worked straight through the day, hardly taking a break. She tackled her work tasks like a woman possessed, constantly moving about the workspace and losing herself in the rhythm of it all. She was able to focus on nothing but the medicine in front of her, boiling the proper oils, soaking the proper herbs, and completely ignoring everything that had happened that morning. By the end of it she was exhausted, but in the best way possible. Her limbs held a tiredness that could only come from a hard day of work.
Nel looked over her crowded work table, feeling accomplished. It was absolutely filled with bandages, salves, poultices, and tonics. It might have been the most she'd ever made in a day, probably due to how much she desperately wanted to be distracted, but Nel didn't care.
She attached a quick note to the ones that still needed some time to sit before they were potent enough to be used, before she began putting them away. It took some creativity, but she was able to get all of them in one box, carrying it over to the storage rooms.
It was nearing dinner and everyone else had gone home for the day, leaving the hallway completely empty. Nel sat the box on her hip awkwardly as she opened the first storage room. She was normally able to put all of her supplies in here, but today it looked filled. She couldn't find a single space on any of the shelves.
She groaned and moved to the second room. This one was mostly filled with bandages, but it was still full. The third room held medical equipment, but she had luck in the fourth. At first it had looked as full as the others had been, but then she spotted a lone shelf in the back. It was almost halfway full with medicines, bandages, and even some equipment, but there was plenty of space for what she was carrying now.
Nel began unloading the supplies, sorting what was already there as she did so. She hated it when things were out of order and seeing all of it jumbled up like this was driving her crazy.
Nel moved a mortar and pestle out of the way, smiling when she recognized it. There was a small chip in the pestle near the top, marking it as the one from the other day that she'd used to crush some herbs.
She moved some of the bottles around, sorting them by type of medicine, smiling again when she saw her own handwriting on some of the labels.
Her smile started to fall when she noticed even more.
Ignoring the box of medicine at her feet, Nel began looking at each label on each jar.
It was all her handwriting. She'd written it all in Arridan and compared to everyone else's handwriting, her's looked like a child's, but it was clearly hers.
Every jar and bottle of medicine on this shelf was made by her.
She took a closer look at the equipment. It was all the tools she'd used.
If she looked, she was willing to bet that all the bandages at the bottom were ones she had made too.
Nel's arms felt like lead and there was a tight ball in her stomach.
Everything she'd done in the hospital, everything she used or touched, it had all been moved to this shelf.
She'd left the door open and there was a soft knock on it now, someone calling out as they poked their head in, "Is anyone in here? We're getting ready to close for the night!"
Her mouth went dry as they walked into the room.
"Hello? Is anyone-Nel?" Maajid stopped in surprise when he found her in the corner, "What are you doing here? I thought you were taking today off?"
She didn't respond and he came to stand next to her, "Nel? Are you…"
His voice trailed off as he realized what she was staring at.
"Nellie, I-"
"Did you know?" she whispered, cutting him off.
Maajid rubbed his neck, fidgeting uncomfortably, "It's complicated. Look, I-"
"Did you know?" she repeated.
"Yes." he sighed, "But it's not what you think, I swear."
"And what do I think?" she asked.
"Look, I trust everything you've made!" he protested, gesturing to the shelf, "I use it all the time! It's better than what most of our volunteers make!"
"And yet, nobody else trusts it."
"They just had some concerns!" Maajid exclaimed, trying to defend them, "After what happened in Araluen, they just wanted to be sure-"
Nel's head snapped up to look at him, jaw dropping open, "W-W-What happened in Araluen?"
Maajid winced, "That's not what I meant. Don't take it that way, ok?"
"And how should I take it?" she asked. The knot in her stomach had turned into a ball of nausea at the realization, "They hide my supplies back here and refuse to use them because of the assassins, isn't that right?"
"Yes, but-"
"They can't trust my medicines because they're full of poison. I'm the doctor who's liable to kill you instead of save you." Her throat felt tight and she blinked back more tears. "I-It's exactly what they expected of an Araluen, isn't it?"
"Nellie, I swear I-"
"I need to go home. It's late." she whispered, voice starting to break. She turned and practically ran out of the room, ignoring him as he called out after her.
Nel rushed to the khadif as quickly as she could, everything about the day coming back to her in a rush. She'd been able to forget it by working, but now every word began to replay in her head.
'Look, this isn't Araluen…'
'You don't think!'
'...have to tiptoe around you in case you break…'
'After what happened in Araluen, they just wanted to be sure-'
Nel clenched her eyes, forcing the words away from her mind once again. It certainly wasn't the first time she'd heard things like that and it probably wouldn't be the last. She'd heard far worse growing up, but today every word felt like a knife and everything kept rushing back to her.
She made it back to the khadif in record time, going as fast as she dared towards the stairs, ignoring the looks everyone was shooting her way. She tried to think of anything other than today, but it didn't help. Instead, childhood memories rose up in their place.
She knew what people said about her. She was Halt's daughter. She should be strong and stubborn and willful with an 'I-don't-care' attitude. She'd tried to be just that when she was younger, but hadn't even made it a full day before her father demanded she act like herself again. She'd never tried again, but the whispers remained.
'That's the witch. Cast a spell on the Ranger she has.'
'No way that's Halt's daughter. Far too polite. He must've taken pity on her.'
'Must be an orphan. Thinks she's his daughter, how sad.'
'Why'd the Ranger take in such a weakling? No use for her!'
'See, she's a Changeling! Swapped places with his real daughter, he's none the wiser!'
Nel stopped at the door to the living room, tears pricking at her eyes as the older memories resurfaced.
'Witch alright. In cahoots with that Malkallam, dealing with potions and the like.'
'Just a spirit, taken over the body.'
'She ain't his daughter, trust me. No self-respecting Ranger would raise a daughter like her.'
Nel stifled a sob, trying to block out the voices. She'd heard them all of her life, but that hadn't made it any easier. She'd simply learned to bury it all down, try to ignore it, but after everything that had happened today, it all came back to her, flooding her mind. All the pain and hurt and disappointment. It was one of the few things her father hadn't been able to stop.
Reaching up, Nel wiped her tears away. She'd already cried today, she didn't want to do it again.
"Aranel?" a soft voice broke through her thoughts, making her spin around in shock. Selethen stood at the end of the hall, the expression mirrored on his face.
She took a deep breath, one that sounded far too shaky to her ears, "Selethen."
"Are you…ok?" he asked hesitantly, walking closer and looking at her face intently. Nel immediately cursed her previous tears.
"Of course." she said quickly, stepping away and standing up straighter, "You're here earlier than I thought."
His face fell at her actions, but he didn't say anything about it, "I was hoping to see you."
"Ahh," she said, "Well, I'm here."
"Yes, I…I see that." he responded, still in that hesitant, nervous tone of voice, "Could we go in?"
He gestured to the living room and she nodded. Nel forced herself to look as calm as possible, despite how her heart was pounding, going faster than she could ever remember it doing. She wouldn't give him any more reasons to think of her as fragile, not after today.
What exactly did he want to see her for? Undoubtedly it was about this morning, possibly so she would apologize for overstepping her bounds. He was the Wakir, he got the final say on any of the decisions, it came down to him. Or maybe he wanted to lecture her some more about her attitude. A warrior like him probably needed an equally strong wife. Maybe Cassandra would've been a better choice after all, she certainly wouldn't have rolled over like Nel had that morning.
The door closed behind them and Nel opened her mouth to apologize, but surprisingly, Selethen beat her to it.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly.
Nel looked at him, mouth practically agape at his words.
Selethen simply continued, "I shouldn't have spoken to you like that, I shouldn't have yelled. A good husband values his wife's advice and I didn't."
"N-No, I shouldn't have overstepped like I did," she said in a rush, "I-I had no right to-"
"You have every right." he cut her off, moving forward and grabbing her arms gently, "Out of everyone else here, you have the most right. You should be able to say anything you want to me without any sort of fear, but the moment you did, I attacked you, viciously. I didn't mean anything I said and I'm truly sorry for it, all of it."
"I-I-" Nel looked down, unable to meet his gaze, "I don't know what to say."
"That's…ok." he sighed. Nel felt a pang of guilt, he'd obviously expected more.
"I have to admit, I've never courted anyone before," he whispered, "Never had any sort of girlfriend. Before the treaty I was allowed to consider my own marriage contract, arrange my own marriage. I had plenty of offers from wealthy families, but I was always far too busy to ever consider them. So, I don't really know what to do here. What to say or how to act."
"Neither do I." she confessed, relaxing slightly in his grip, "No one was very eager to spend time with a Ranger's daughter."
Her first friend, outside of the Ranger Corps and her father's friends, was the doctor at Redmont Fief, but he'd been more of a teacher than anything. She didn't know that she'd had a real friend until Cassandra.
Nel forced those thoughts away again. She didn't want to think about them anymore.
"I think it's obvious that they were nothing but idiots."
Nel snapped her head up quickly, finally meeting his gaze which was somehow both humble and unfaltering, "W-What?"
"They were idiots for not wanting to spend time around you." the Wakir repeated, "And I must, sadly, count myself among them."
Nel frowned, "What are you talking about?"
"I haven't been a good husband to you, despite my promises otherwise. I don't know how to be a husband. I wasn't prepared for what it entailed, so I took the coward's way out and avoided you." he admitted with a groan, running his hands over his face and through his hair, "I'm sorry for it all, I swear I am. It won't happen again. I just, I don't always know how I'm supposed to act-"
She didn't know why, but she reached up, cupping his face in her hands, effectively cutting him off. He looked down at her, confused, but didn't pull away, so she took it a step further and hugged him, standing on her tiptoes as much as she could so her arms would wrap securely around his neck. He stiffened up, but a moment later he returned it, his arms enclosing around her waist and holding her to him tightly.
"I don't know how to be a wife either," Nel whispered without pulling away, "I'm afraid I'm going to mess up and make you hate me. That you'll wake up and realize that you don't need to be bogged down with someone like me. You were right. I'm…fragile."
"No." His words were harsh, but in a different way than they had been this morning. Now they seemed almost protective and his arms tightening around her simply reinforced the idea, "I was wrong, so wrong. You've never been breakable. You've never been fragile. I just didn't see that."
A wry smile touched her lips, "You sound like Dad."
"A high compliment."
"Very," she said, finally pulling away, resting her hands on his shoulders now. Selethen made no move to remove his arms from her waist.
"There's more," he said slowly, as if waiting to see her reaction, "I've thought about what you said and I've come to a decision."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm going to resign as Captain of the Guard, let Aloom take over."
"What? But you said-"
"I know what I said," he stopped her gently, "But you were right. With everything that's going on, I've got a lot of work to do. Aloom is already doing most of the duties; I've just been holding onto the title out of sheer pride. I'll make it official tomorrow and give him his first assignment. I'll still be involved and help with patrols. With the war going on, I don't want the men to lose their trust in me, but Aloom will be the Captain."
"That's…" Nel's smile stretched across her face as she looked up at her husband, the first genuine smile she'd had since that morning, "That's wonderful! Aloom is a good man, he'll do a great job!"
"I know." Selethen returned the smile, "I trust him with my life. He's worked hard to earn this. He deserves it."
"Are you really ok with this though?" she asked him, "You were…strongly against it this morning."
He was silent for a long moment, thinking over his answer, but eventually nodded, "I am, now that I've had some time to think about it. I overreacted this morning, but this is the right thing to do."
Nel gulped nervously, a question on the tip of her tongue. He did just say that she could say anything she wanted to towards him, but they had never been this personal before.
"Um…do you mind if I ask why you o-overreacted?" Unconsciously, her hand drew together so she could rub her palm.
Selethen just held her even tighter, sighing, "Remember how I mentioned my stupid pride? I apparently have a bit of a problem with it."
"Sorry you're not perfect." she said quietly.
"At least you aren't laughing at this mistake." he smirked down at her.
Nel giggled at the joke, happy to know he truly wasn't angry about this morning any more.
"You know how I was Atanyan's ward?" He asked, avoiding her gaze uncomfortably. At her nodding, he continued, "Because of this, in some ways, things have always been easy for me. As much as I hate to admit it, I've never had any real resistance in my career. But Captain of the Guard? I worked for it, I earned that title. It wasn't something that was just handed to me. It wasn't an easy position to get, but I did it, without anyone's help. No one could take that from me. That's why I didn't want to give it up."
"Oh…I'm so sorry. I had no clue when I suggested that this morning."
"It's fine," he assured her, "I want to do this. My men deserve the best leader possible and right now, that isn't me. Like I said, Aloom is already acting as Captain, I'm just finally making it official. I'm sending him out tomorrow to try to track down the Bedullin."
"For what it's worth, I don't think that anyone could look at you now and just assume that you were given all this because of the Emrikir." Nel said, a blush beginning on her cheeks, "I think that they honestly respect you and your abilities."
"Thank you."
They fell silent after that, simply looking at each other. Nel became acutely aware of how closely he was holding her. She'd stopped nervously rubbing her palm, but now her hands were just laying on his chest. She couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from his, heart thumping rapidly.
Selethen seemed captured by the same spell she was and made no move to back away. Instead, Nel found that they were moving closer together, his head leaning down toward hers. She went back to standing on her tiptoes, her eyelids fluttering to a close.
They were barely a few inches apart when a knock on the door startled them both out of their reverie, jumping back as quickly as they could. Her eyes were wide with panic at the fact that they'd almost been caught, looking first at Selethen and then at the door.
He seemed to still be caught up in the same intense emotions as she was, practically running to answer it.
What exactly had just happened?! She couldn't believe it, had they really almost just kissed?! There was no way they had been about to do that, she must be dreaming.
As Selethen answered the door and let in someone carrying a large tray, probably their dinner, Nel tried to get her heartbeat under control, sorting through her thoughts. After everything that had happened today, this was the last thing she had ever expected to happen.
She'd almost kissed him.
She'd almost kissed him.
And he'd been about to kiss her.
…Why was this a bad thing again? Nel struggled, trying to remember why she shouldn't be kissing him, but couldn't come up with a reason. They were married, they were only allowed to kiss each other. A kiss shouldn't be something to panic about, right?
If that was true, then why did her heart refuse to settle down? Why was she remembering how nice it felt to be held by him? Why was she watching him intently as they sat down to eat, trying desperately to not forget his scent; which was of coffee and something else she couldn't place, reminding her of the ground after a rainstorm, but somehow…different?
They locked eyes over their dinners, an intense and very awkward silence between them.
Nel wasn't sure exactly what it was, but she knew something had just changed.