Chapter Twenty Five
Nel was going insane, she was sure of it. That was the only reason she was lying awake in her bed, acutely aware of every single move and sound that her sleeping husband made, her heart pounding so loudly that she was sure it would wake him up. She had finally gone off the deep end, cracked, and lost the remaining parts of her sanity.
She had almost kissed him.
He'd almost kissed her.
They'd almost kissed.
What in the world was going on?! Nel was not this kind of girl. She'd never cared, really cared, about this kind of stuff before. Her main focus had always been on work or her family. No one had ever wanted to court her, or even showed the slightest bit of interest. While that had hurt at first, Nel had learned to not be bothered by it.
But now…
Now all she could think about was how much she hated the servant who had knocked and interrupted them. And attempting to fall asleep next to Selethen, who still smelled annoyingly good even though she was keeping herself as far away as possible from him, wasn't helping matters one bit.
Dinner had been excruciatingly awful, both of them dancing around what had just almost happened, with it ending in them both turning in early. Which almost led to its own situation as it was the first time since arriving in Al Shabah that they'd gone to bed at the same time, Selethen having stayed in his office until he was sure that she was asleep. But, he had fallen asleep first, leaving Nel to be tortured with her own thoughts.
This day had been something else entirely, taking her through a whole range of events and emotions and then ending like this.
Nel must really be going insane. She really wished that Cass or Pauline was here so she could talk with them, they would know what to do, or at least could help talk her through her own thoughts on the matter.
Groaning to herself, Nel threw her blankets off and pushed herself out of bed. Normally the nights in the desert were close to freezing, but tonight it was almost unbearably hot. Nel felt drenched in sweat.
Walking to her office, Nel grabbed her sketchbook again, curling up at her desk. If her mind refused to fall asleep, then she may as well do something.
She glanced around the room after flipping to a blank page. She had gotten used to working there, and was incredibly grateful for it, but some part of it still felt so odd, knowing that this room was all hers, to do with whatever she wanted. It was strange, yes, but still a touching gift. Had she ever thanked him for this? She couldn't remember.
In just a few moments Nel had filled her page with rough outlines of people, all sitting around a campfire. The longbows over their shoulders and mottled cloaks easily identified them as her family. A pang of homesickness struck her as she filled in her father's face. She felt like she'd barely been reunited with them before they'd all parted ways again and now? Now she didn't know when or if she'd ever see them again. Like she had said before, Rangers weren't untouchable and they were in the middle of a world war.
Nel sighed to herself as she moved onto sketching Will. She'd drawn her family enough that she had no problem remembering their faces, Will's stretching out in a wide smile as he laughed at something Gilan had said next to him.
As she drew, Nel felt her heart calm down and her eyelids grow heavy, but she didn't stop. Her hand flew across the page, filling in as many details as she could. Her thoughts began to run away with themselves while her hand moved of its own accord.
How did she be a good wife? How did she be the kind of person that Selethen wanted? Why did that matter so much?
It was as she was drawing her uncle, putting a slight smirk and eye roll on his face, that she remembered his words.
'You might actually fall in love with him. There is no law anywhere in the world that says arranged marriages always have to be cold and loveless.'
Nel's eyes widened, the drowsiness leaving her body instantly.
Was she…falling in love with him? But that was impossible! …Wasn't it? They barely knew each other. The apology earlier today had felt like the first real conversation they'd had since they'd arrived. You couldn't fall in love that quickly, could you?
Nel had never known anyone in a happy, loving marriage except for Baron Arald and Lady Sandra, but they were different, and Nel had never talked to them about something like this before. Her father had avoided topics like this with every fiber of his being as that meant talking about her mother.
Nel wondered what her mother would say about all of this right now. She'd rarely wish that her mom was still around for her to talk to, she'd always just wanted to know about the woman in general. It was hard for her to miss what she had never known and it had never felt like anything was truly missing from her life. She had a loving, caring family. Her father was the best dad she could have asked for, Crowley spoiled her growing up, and Gilan and Will were the two troublemaking brothers that had wormed their way into her heart without her ever realizing it. Add in the rest of the Ranger Corp and people like Pauline, Arald, and Malcolm; Nel never once considered that there was anything else she needed.
Right now though, she did wonder what her mother would do in her situation. What she would say. Maybe being so far away from the rest of her family was making her miss her mother more as well.
Nel sighed and finally put her sketchbook down, the drawing almost finished.
It wasn't that she didn't want to fall in love with Selethen. He was a good man and wanted to do everything he could to make her happy, but was she even ready to fall in love at all? Was she really ready to give her heart away like that? What if he didn't love her back? That would be the worst thing she could think of. They were already married; they were literally each other's only option. If they didn't love each other, then they might be in for a very long, unhappy life.
Almost as soon as she thought that, Pauline's words came back to her.
'I'm perfectly happy with loving him from afar. There are much worse things in life than unrequited affections.'
Nel sighed again. That was still true, but it wasn't a prospect that she wanted to live with.
Standing up, she made her way back to her bedroom. She smiled gently when she got there, seeing how her husband had sprawled out in his sleep, snoring slightly, and his arm stretched out over her own pillow. She almost laughed, she'd had no clue that he snored. Then again, she was a notoriously deep sleeper. The light sounds he was making weren't nearly enough to wake her up.
Her eyes landed on the chest at the foot of the bed and the smile dropped from her face. She still hadn't opened her mother's chest. Something held her back. Nel wasn't used to talking about her mother and knowing that she had an entire chest of her belongings brought a tightening to her chest that she just couldn't explain.
She stood there looking at it for a few minutes before setting her shoulders and kneeling down. If she was too afraid to look through a dead woman's belongings, then she would never be brave enough to do practically anything else.
As quietly as she could, Nel opened the chest. Surprisingly, it didn't squeak or groan and she vaguely wondered if her dad had oiled the hinges before giving it to her.
At first it looked empty, but as her eyes adjusted she realized that it was a long piece of fabric over the top. Gingerly, Nel picked it up, almost going into a coughing fit at the dust that came with it. As she held it up, Nel just gaped. It was the most beautiful cloak she had ever seen. Pure black with silver embroidery and pearl fastenings. The only people she'd ever seen with clothes this extravagant were royalty. Looking down at everything else the cloak had covered, Nel's eyes only grew wider. A deep red gown with gems sewn into the very fabric. Golden buttons and intricate lace sleeves. Nel took a closer look, noting that some threads were hanging off of the skirt, as if there had been more that had been ripped out of the dress. She frowned curiously before setting it aside and turning to look at the pair of shoes that had been next to it, the heels sparkling even in the dark. Underneath the dress was an ornate jewelry box with a glass lid. Nel could see a few items in there and each one looked more valuable than all of her possessions combined.
This was…her mother's?
There were also a couple books, tucked away at the bottom. Flipping through them, Nel was astonished to see that they were journals. Quickly, she grabbed one and put everything else away, practically running back to the living room. Settling herself down on the comfiest cushions in the room and lighting a candle, she opened the book to the first page, eyes landing on the date.
"She was 14." Nel whispered to herself, gently tracing over the numbers.
The words underneath were written in Hibernian. Her father had taught her the language when she was a child, so she quickly began reading.
'I didn't see Father today. We were supposed to go riding together, but Mother says that he has a very important guest right now. She won't tell me who and neither will anyone else. I sincerely hope that it is someone truly important. Father and I haven't gone riding in ages and I know he hasn't been feeling well. Marion says that it's from working so much, which I guess I can understand. But Father has a lot of workers, surely they can help him?
Since my plans with Father have been canceled, I've been stuck inside with Marion, working on my lessons. I'm just happy that journaling counts as penmanship lessons otherwise I'm sure I would go insane.'
Nel's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It almost seemed like her mother was a noble of some sort, but that was impossible. If her mother was a noble in Hibernia, then how in the world did she end up with her dad in Araluen?
Nel dove back into the book, more confused than before. The rest of the entries seemed to support the idea. Nel read through the details of her days and lessons, heard about the growing frustration as her father's meetings became more frequent, and then sadness at his continued failing health. Marion, Claire's governess, tried to make her days as busy as possible, but the distractions weren't enough.
It wasn't until about six months after the first entry that Claire finally stated she was the only daughter of a high ranking Hibernian family in Clonmel. Nel learned about the lack of relationship between Claire and her mother, the arguments growing fiercer by the day. To Nel it seemed like they weren't really arguing about anything, but to 14 year old Claire, every fight seemed like the end of the world. After those arguments, Claire would always write that if she had a daughter then she would never treat her like that, a thought that brought tears to Nellie's eyes.
Still, she kept reading, desperate to figure out how her mother got from here to Araluen.
"Aranel?" Selethen's voice broke through her concentration, "Have you been up all night?"
She almost jumped, looking up at him. It was obvious that he had just woken up, rubbing one of his eyes as the other stared at her sleepily. The sunlight fell across his disheveled hair and-wait, sunlight? Turning to the window, sure enough the sun had just finished clearing the horizon and the early risers in the town were beginning to stir.
"I guess so," she murmured.
"What in the world were you doing?" he asked, coming forward to kneel down next to her.
"Reading," she mumbled sleepily. Now that she realized it was morning, she was exhausted.
Selethen sighed, grabbing the book from her and placing it on the table before she could stop him.
"Hey, wait, I-" she tried to protest but a yawn escaped her before she could stop it.
Selethen ignored said protests, grabbing her chin and forcing her to look at him. After a moment of studying her, he said, "We're skipping lessons today. You need to rest."
"I'm fi-" she tried to say but was unable to stifle another yawn.
He looked at her in concern, moving his other hand to her forehead, "You're burning up."
"It's just really warm in here," Nel mumbled, trying to pull her face away. Considering she was sitting down and practically asleep already, she didn't have a lot of success.
"No, I mean you're really burning up. I think you have a fever." he explained, "You're staying here today. I'll send for Maajid."
She wanted to argue, but never got a chance. Selethen scooped her into his arms as easily as if she was a child. As soon as he did that, Nel buried her face into the crook of his neck, inhaling his wonderful scent. His warm skin sent shivers all over her body, making her aware of just how cold the room was, which was strange; she distinctly remembered overheating earlier.
She began dozing off before Selethen even started walking and was almost completely asleep by the time he laid her down, pulling the blanket up to her chin. She mumbled sleepily as he did so, much to his amusement. Nel just buried herself in the blankets, very happy to find his scent covering them as she finally drifted off.
Selethen, for his part, began getting dressed with a smile on his face. Apparently he was warm and smelled good. Who knew?