Chapter 8

Terminated

Cameron wiped the single tear away on her cheek. She was sure she must have done something to upset or hurt Vanna. To know Vanna felt some kind of emotional pain, made her feel emotional pain. She felt a glitch impulse with her new worry for Vanna. She reached over with her right hand to touch her left hand. It started to glitch again. She couldn't stop it by trying to hold it with her right hand. It was the first time it happened since she was rebuilt. She was connected by the tether to her server and it was happening again. It was a physical reaction to an emotional event. It was very disturbing to her. She hoped the problem would have been solved. It clearly wasn't.

She replayed the events which just transpired. It was like John and her before they came to retrieve Sarah from jail. She'd 'presented' herself to John and wanted him to kiss her and to touch her. John didn't have the courage. Perhaps he possessed too much guilt. Maybe he just felt ashamed about what he'd done with Riley. She'd caught him the night he'd spent with Riley. The pain she felt was on her face. He even had the audacity to smirk at her. It was as if he'd spit in her face and smiled about it. The glitch became worse as she relived the events. To her at this moment, it was if they'd just happened right now. It was the feeling she felt.

Now Cameron thought she must have felt exactly like John did that day. Now she understood the saying about how someone couldn't fully understand something until it happened to them. It just happened to her, she reflected.

Cameron told John how she felt and tried to make herself 'available' to him on several occasions. She told him the truth when she'd said she loved him and he loved her. The one thing which stung the most when she went to his room, was when he blew her off. He then went out to share with Riley instead. What a slap in the face, a stab in the back, a dagger to the heart. On every occasion involving Riley, John backed up Riley. She remembered the way they would smirk and make fun of her, taunt her and laugh at her. She noted her hand glitched wildly now. She could see she was losing control. Why would John back Riley over her? Riley couldn't protect him. Riley couldn't even protect herself. Did they have to laugh in front of her face about the things they did?

She was confused. She loved John and wanted John. John wasn't there. John never came back from the future. John never came back for her. Regardless of her feelings and desires for John, there was Vanna. Feelings for Vanna were expanding inside of her. She wanted to respond to Vanna in some way. She wasn't sure how. None of her programming or research was directed to a situation like this. She went back to work on the chip. She hoped it would help. It didn't.

Cameron thought she needed to stop working on the chip before she damaged it. Her hand only seemed to get worse.

In the background, the printer could be heard working. Poems were being created and printed as her feelings battled themselves. A battle raged in her 'heart' at the same time it raged in her mind.

She was there now and she knew she wanted comfort and understanding. John wasn't there to provide her with it, Vanna was. Vanna would always listen to her. It was something John seldom did. She liked the interaction she was able to share with Vanna. She still didn't know what she'd done wrong to hurt Vanna. It made the glitch in her hand a little worse.

Sarah spotted Vanna at lunch. They were in the commissary. She gathered her thoughts before she sat down. She ran a dozen scenarios through her mind. She didn't like any of them. Everyone involved was an adult. Vanna was an adult. Cameron was an 'adult'. They deserved a right to choose the path they followed. If both girls wanted the same thing, who was she to say anything? She was afraid both of the girls, Vanna and Cameron, would end up getting hurt when John came back, if John came back. It all depended on John coming back. He should have returned by now. What if John never came back? Then what? Cameron would need a true friend more than ever as the weeks turned into months and then into years. Didn't both of them deserve some happiness in this cruel life?

It was a form of happiness she currently lacked in her life as well. She could see Vanna opened the door to her and kept it open. She was sure the relationship would be more of a physical one than an emotional one. She'd experienced a few of those over the years. They were usually a little less painful when they ended. Everyone knew what they were there for. Somehow the baggage always seemed to creep in anyway. Maybe she wasn't ready for an emotional one yet. Ever since Kyle was killed she'd never been ready again.

Charlie was the exception. It was something she didn't want to happen but it did anyway. Look how it played out. Charlie was dead because of her, so was his wife, Michelle. Both of them were dead because of their involvement with her.

She'd been with plenty of men south of the border. She'd needed to use 'Nature's Treasury' to ensure John's safety and training. She did what she needed to do, when she needed to do it. It wasn't anything she was proud of. Even in the shame involved with it, it was worth it to ensure John's survival. What else mattered? Without John there was no future for anyone. Whatever the tab would be, she would cover it. It didn't matter how she needed to do it.

Sarah realized Vanna now stood in front of her. She wasn't sure when it happened. How long had it been? She'd been lost in her past as she tried to put it all together.

"Hi, Sarah." Vanna said.

Sarah thought it looked like Vanna may have been crying earlier before lunch. Her eyes were red and a little puffy. She wanted to talk to her about Cameron. She didn't think there was any easy way to do it. She figured the best thing to do was just say it. She wanted to speak her piece and let the cards land where they fell. She was aware any delay around the inevitable was only wasted time and effort.

"Hello, Vanna." Sarah said. "I don't know how to say this, nor do I want to interfere. I know you know Cameron is 'different' from us. I do have to admit as each day passes, she's more like us. She's very focused on what she has set as her directives and mission. She may not understand how you feel."

Sarah was glad she was able to get it out. It was very hard to do. She understood the pain of emotions and feelings. She understood what it was like to have those emotions and feelings trampled on or destroyed. It was worse than death. In death there was nothing. In heartache there was pain. It was the worst pain imaginable.

Vanna looked at her for a few seconds. Her head fell forward slightly. It felt like a moment of defeat. She took a deep breath and lifted it back up to face Sarah. She thought she'd developed better control of her emotions. It evidently wasn't the case. It seemed to be there were times when emotion and feelings controlled everyone, rather than the other way around.

"Is it that obvious?" Vanna asked. "I've been trying to fight it."

Sarah could clearly see it. She'd been there. She'd seen John there. She was painfully aware how hard it was to control when everything happened inside of someone. She wanted to be as tactful as possible. She'd wanted Vanna to know she'd been there herself.

"To me it's obvious." Sarah said. "You look at Cameron like my son looked at her and she looked at him. It's 'that look' which is unmistakable. I've been there myself more than a few times."

Vanna didn't feel any shame for having feelings for Cameron. Cameron was the most special individual she'd ever known. The close proximity they worked with each other every day, only seemed to magnify the feelings. She spent most of her time there with Cameron. There were even times when she'd slept there. She knew sometimes she'd fallen asleep in a chair. Sometimes her head just hung down, other times she may have rested it on the desk on top of her forearm. In every one of those instances when she awoke, she was lying on one of the workbenches they used to repair Cameron, or work on one of the other cyborgs. It was evident Cameron had carefully picked her up, and placed her on the flat surface, so she could rest more comfortably. There was always a small pillow under her head. It only seemed to add to her feelings to know Cameron showed her such precious care. She never awoke once when she'd been moved.

"Sarah, at first I tried to tell myself it was 'Allison' I saw in her and not Cameron." Vanna said. "The more I did it, the deeper I fell. Cameron is truly unique."

Vanna was aware it started when she'd first interacted with Cameron on her server. It was before Cameron was able to interface with her chassis again. As she reflected on it, she was aware she'd developed feelings for a computer program. Once Cameron was able to access her chassis, the feelings expanded out of control. There was a 'living' individual now, even if they weren't human. It didn't matter. They were still a living individual.

Sarah previously heard the name 'Allison' spoken by Vanna. She knew some of the details about Cameron's past. There were very few of them.

"Allison? I heard you call Cameron by the same name before." Sarah said. "Is it the same Allison Young who Cameron was patterned after?"

Vanna wasn't sure how to explain it. She wasn't even sure it was possible. She was in the past now, the present. Things were different in her future. Something was possible based on it.

"Yes and no. My Allison is from a different timeline where John Connor or Cameron didn't exist." Vanna said. "I didn't know about either of them. I'm sure I would have heard about John Connor if he is the leader of mankind. I never heard the name before until I arrived in this time period.

Sarah understood it to mean there were two different versions of 'Allison' which started from the same individual. She wanted to make sure. It all had to affect John in some way. She was pretty sure it wasn't in a good way either.

"You're saying it's the same Allison, but a 'different' Allison." Sarah said.

It was the only way for Vanna to see it at this point. She didn't know if the other future even existed still. She didn't think it was a good idea to mention it to Sarah right now. It would mean her son didn't exist in the future he'd sent Cameron back from. It would be all speculation anyway. There was no way to know what was what at this point in time.

"Yes." Vanna said. "They're the same individual but in alternate or divergent timelines. They started from the same person but experienced different lives."

Sarah was pretty sure Vanna and her Allison were more than friends. She wanted to make sure. She'd seen the way Vanna looked at Cameron from the beginning, even when her damage was extensive.

"You and your Allison were…?" Sarah wondered.

Vanna looked Sarah straight in the face. The future was brutal. Men did terrible things to females of all ages. It didn't seem to matter how young or how old they were. There weren't really many old ones any longer. There weren't many more young ones anymore either. The birth rate, along with survivability, had dropped off dramatically. If they were a female, they were abused. The same things happen to every female she'd known in her future. All of it was bad, some of it was worse.

"Yes." Vanna said. "You don't know how females were treated and abused, Sarah. Terrible things happened to females in the future. Most females could only find comfort and understanding in other females. It was the only place to find love returned, when it was mutually and lovingly shared. Everything else was 'taken' from us. For me it all happened by a group of men using brute force, a knife dug into your throat or a gun pressed into the side of your head. It was how I experienced any relationship with men. I never had a choice, NEVER."

Vanna didn't mention there were times she wished one of them would have pulled the trigger. It would have been over. It would have been the end of it. It would have been the end of everything. No doubt they would have gone on and continued to use her body, even after she was dead. She'd heard of it more than once. Someone once referred to it as being a 'double veteran'.

Sarah was in some sketchy situations herself a few times. None of them were quite as extreme. There were still men she would rather not have been with. The protection of John came first. She did what was necessary to protect John. As much as she despised it and what happened, she would do it again. She would do it right now if she could get John back.

"I'm sorry, Vanna." Sarah said. "I didn't know it was so extreme. It sounds like it was a living hell."

Sarah was sure it was worse than what Cameron described with what little of her future she did talk about. Cameron always told them she couldn't say too much about certain things because she didn't want to change the future. Cameron told them she was there to stop Skynet from ever happening. John was to be the one to do it.

Vanna still tried to put it all together. She never seemed to quite be able to get all of the pieces to fit. She tried anyway.

"Cameron is MY Allison, HER Allison and HERSELF all in one." Vanna said. "She's an incredibly dynamic individual. I can't stop my feelings from expanding, Sarah. I'm reaching for the 'Forbidden Fruit' and I can't stop."

Sarah knew someone couldn't always walk away but they could try.

"Can't means won't." Sarah said.

Vanna still looked Sarah in the face. She loved Cameron.

"Yes." Vanna said. "I'm not ashamed."

Sarah didn't want to seem too harsh. The future was uncertain. Everyone needed 'friends'.

"You should never be ashamed of being yourself or what you believe in or feel." Sarah said. "Life is short and can end at any time. I've seen it."

Vanna personally witnessed plenty of it too. The issue here was Cameron.

"I've seen her inner beauty, Sarah. I've felt and experienced her pain, misery, love, joy, hopes, and wants. I've FELT it." Vanna said. "It's all so beautiful."

Sarah wondered how someone 'felt' another's feelings and emotions. She wondered if Vanna found some way to interface with Cameron. She'd heard about the 'Neural Interface' before. Maybe it was something like it. She wasn't sure she wanted to be connected to a machine to interface with another machine. Maybe it was something different. She needed to know more.

"Felt it?" Sarah asked. "How?"

Vanna gave Sarah a faint smile.

"I've felt her through her poems." Vanna said. "Her mind is reaching out begging to be heard and felt. It's begging to be touched back. She wants to feel love returned to her."

Sarah was a little confused.

"Poems? Cameron wrote you a poem? I remember she tried it once at home for school and was very upset at John's suggestions on how to improve it." Sarah said. "I found blood on one of her shirts later the same day, her blood. I think she may have tried to hurt herself."

Sarah didn't know it was the day Cameron gave herself a heart. The Tin Man, or Tin Miss in this case, received what she wanted the most, a heart.

Vanna saw it all differently in regards to the poem. She knew exactly which one it was.

"Cameron didn't need to 'improve' it, Sarah. She just needed someone to LISTEN and understand. She wanted someone to HEAR HER. Now, It's ME." Vanna said. "I'm listening now and I can't stop. I need more. I want to share her pain and try to give her joy. I want to be there for her."

Sarah was at a loss for words.

Vanna didn't know how to make Sarah understand.

"I understand NOW what Cameron meant about 'only your mind need undress' and they 'never need hear the other snore'. She is crying out on an intellectual level beyond our comprehension. She needs to express her mind physically or she will self destruct. I can SEE it as clear as day." Vanna said. "She needs someone."

Vanna was on the verge of tears again as she thought of the pain and suffering Cameron experienced. The sad part was because most of it was at the hands of Sarah and John. Much of it was because of John's actions with another female, a REAL female. It was all shoved in Cameron's face.

Sarah knew everyone needed someone in some way. For her it had been John the last few years. John had been her focus ever since she was broken out of the mental institution.

"I can understand it." Sarah said.

Vanna was a little disturbed at what she'd found inside of Cameron's Coltan skull when she'd been doing repairs.

"Did you know there was an explosive charge inside of her head?" Vanna asked. "She put it there herself. She can't self terminate. Once when we were working, she said she thought termination was beautiful. I didn't understand it then. I do now. I understand now she was asking John if he chose the other girl over her, to press the button to set off the explosive charge. It would end her misery and suffering. Who does that to someone, Sarah? Cameron couldn't stand the pain of being rejected and even worse - replaced. Cameron was begging to be TERMINATED."

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Terminated

The love between two people
Should be germinated
It's not something
To be manipulated

Love can make both of them
Feel happy and exhilarated
If left uncultivated
It may soon be evaporated

As two work together
They can be invigorated
If one looks elsewhere
Love may soon be invalidated

When the love is nurtured
Both can feel infatuated
As one is pushed away
They're soon infuriated

If the love is given to another
All trust is obliterated
Leaving the one shunned
Longing to be terminated

Nobody