Chapter Twenty Nine
Selethen was at a loss, a feeling that he didn't enjoy in the slightest. He could count on one hand the times in his life that he had been truly at a loss, but that record broke almost as soon as he met Nellie.
It was like everything she said or did was a shortcut to his nerves, sending them haywire. He had no control over what he said or did when she was around anymore. One look from her could have him saying or doing something before he even realized it. And worse was the fact that she had no clue she was doing it to him.
When they met in Araluen, he had mistakenly assumed that they would eventually get used to each other. That they would settle into their lives at some point.
That had never happened. They lived together, they were polite and friendly, but he was hyper aware of every reaction that she had. Every word she said. It all haunted him throughout his days and he hated it.
Then they had fought, that knee-jerk reaction controlling him once again. He'd apologized and they had finally started talking, actually talking, but then he'd tried to kiss her. He didn't even know why. They'd been standing there, holding each other, and her pink lips had just looked so…soft, so…kissable. He had kissed girls before, but the urge to do so had never been as strong as that moment. His body continued to move without consulting him. If he tried, he could still remember how hard his heart was beating when she'd hugged him.
He must've been in the wrong though. They'd barely talked through dinner and then that night, well, it was fairly obvious. She would rather stay up all night getting sick and reading her dead mother's journal than sleep in the same bed as him.
But her getting sick had thrown everything into question once again. The second that he had felt her fever, some instinct had woken up inside him, insisting that he do everything to make her better. He didn't know what was going on with him. Selethen had been around plenty of sick people in his life and he had never wanted to take care of any of them like that.
And then they had fought again, finally confronting the lack of trust between them. It had been eye opening to say the least. He had no idea the things that she'd been worried about. Was he really that bad at reading people? Even someone as open as Nellie?
The following days were better, easier. Selethen was happy that she was finally letting him take care of her and he loved how she fell asleep with a smile as he babbled on and on at night about anything that came to mind.
At breakfast he thought that things would go back to normal, but he was rapidly realizing that he had no clue what normal was. The second she showed any sort of distress, he'd gone to her side and said the first comforting thing he could think of.
All without realizing what he was doing, yet again.
And to top off all the confusion, he'd called her habibi. The word had slipped off his tongue before he could even think about what he was saying. It had felt so natural and his chest filled with the strangest feeling when he saw her blush from it.
How was it that one small girl, who's shy and stammering personality he should've found annoying yet somehow didn't, could incite all of these strange feelings in him? It didn't make any sense.
Selethen groaned, leaving his office. He had nothing urgent to take care of at the moment and doing some sparring sounded like a good idea right now. Even with his Nel-addled thoughts, sparring was something that never failed to clear his mind and help him think straight.
The soldier's grounds were at the southeast side of Al Shabah and Selethen had spent countless hours there working on his swordplay and drilling with his soldiers. He wandered through the streets towards it now, looking grimly at what he saw. The once bustling streets of a trading town and port now seemed so dull. There were hardly any traders and the regular market had fewer people than he'd ever seen. The war was having massive ripple effects and Selethen felt it all very keenly, seeing how his people were struggling.
He was so lost in thought over the issue that he almost ran into someone, the short woman tripping over her own feet and almost falling. He reached out, steadying her before she did, "Sorry, I should've been watching where-Zahra?"
"Your excellence!" the short woman said in shock, "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"
Selethen waved off her apology quickly and stepped back to look at her. He hadn't seen Aloom's cousin in quite a long time, but she looked almost exactly the same. Dark hair, chestnut eyes, and a tiny scar over her eyebrow that Aloom had said was from childhood, "How are you doing?"
"Well as I can be. Was just finishing a delivery." she said, tossing a glace over her shoulder at the building she'd just left.
"That's good to hear. And the girls?"
Zahra laughed, "About as tactful as their father was. They may look like me, but they've got their father's personality. Samura's better than Mesi, but she still isn't afraid to let the world know she is losing her baby teeth and Mesi runs around like she's just drunk all the kafay in town."
Selethen felt himself grinning. He'd never met Zahra's late husband, but had been told that he had been straightforward to the point of being blunt.
"How are you doing?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, "I hear congratulations are in order."
"What? Oh yes, thank you." he said as her words registered.
Zahra didn't miss his tone, "Trouble in paradise already?"
He let out a slow breath. "I'm not sure we ever reached paradise," he admitted.
She gave him a sad look, "What's going on?"
Selethen thought a moment before responding. Zahra had been in a very similar situation some years back, married to a stranger and then had her whole life turned upside down. Yet somehow, she and her husband had made it work before he died.
"Would you mind walking for a bit?"
"Of course not." She fell into step beside him. They lowered their voices so no one could overhear them and made their way down the street.
"I just, I don't know what to do. Our time in Araluen went by so quickly and here, it's all different, everyday it's something new. I just seem to keep messing up."
"Messing up?"
He nodded, "I can't seem to control myself around her. I'm always doing or saying something wrong before I can stop myself and I don't even know why. It's hard enough just living together, although not for lack of trying. How were you able to make it work?"
"I'm afraid I can't help you there." she told him regretfully, "My husband and I never had issues like that."
"But, you were complete strangers before you married!" Selethen protested, but Zahra was quick to shake her head.
"We never had issues living together or being together. We just were." At Selethen's sigh, she continued, "Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a perfect marriage, we just had other problems. Every couple struggles in their own way. That's just part of life. The hard part is working through them, because you can only do that together."
He scoffed, "Well that's a hopeless dream. We just keep fighting lately. For such a quiet girl, you wouldn't think that she'd get angry so easily. It's been better the last couple days, but she's recovering from a cold. I'm worried that the next time we really talk will have us screaming at each other again."
"That's part of life too." Zahra smirked, "Besides, I can't imagine you ever being happy with a woman who just rolled over every time you said so. You need someone who stands up for herself and keeps you on your toes."
"True enough." he chuckled.
They finished walking through the marketplace, turning down the road to the left. Zahra was easy to talk to and it was nice talking to someone who wouldn't judge him.
"What else is going on?"
"I'm not exactly sure," he said, "I wonder if I'm overthinking it all. I just want her to be happy here, but I can't help thinking that she never will be and that it's somehow my fault. Then she'll say or do something that makes me think otherwise and I'm stuck over analyzing every little thing."
"Hmmm," Zahra hummed knowingly.
"What?" he said, suspicious.
"I don't think your problem is what you think it is." she answered vaguely.
"What do you mean?"
"Your excellence, do you love your wife?" she asked.
"Of course I do," he responded immediately, "She's my wife."
"That's not what I mean," she sighed, "Are you in love with Lady Aranel?"
"I just told you I was." he huffed.
Zahra shook her head, "You still aren't getting it."
"Well then, tell me."
"Loving someone is a choice. Being in love with someone, to an extent, is not. And yes, there is a difference." she told him firmly, "Take me and my husband for example. He was a good man, very kind to me, and our daughters were his entire world. I will always love him for that. But we were never in love. We didn't think of each other constantly, our hearts didn't skip a beat when the other walked into the room, there was no fire in our veins when we were together, there was never a kiss that was so earth shattering I could hardly breathe. When he died, I felt loss and sadness and pain, but my heart didn't break."
The Wakir was silent a long moment, thinking over her words. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, "So you think-"
"I think that you have chosen to love her as best you can as you are married and bound to each other for life. You've always been told that a husband needs to love his wife and therefore you are telling yourself that you love her, but it is more out of choice and obligation than anything else. However, even if you don't want to admit it yet, I think that you are also, possibly, in love with her and your lack of knowledge in that area is what's causing your issues." she explained.
"That's-That's" he was at a loss for words.
"Not impossible." she stated matter-of-factly.
"We barely know each other!" he insisted, "It hasn't even been three full months since we met!"
Zahra shrugged, "Sometimes you only need five minutes. Stories of love at first sight must come from somewhere, don't they? Just…consider it, ok?"
He huffed, "Ok, I'll consider it. Thank you."
"Anything I can do to help."
A random idea popped into his head a second later, "Why don't you and the girls come over for dinner tonight? We never have guests so I'm sure Nellie would love it."
"I don't know, the girls can be a bit much." she frowned.
"It's ok. I haven't seen them since just after Mesi was born anyway." he insisted.
"Well, thank you. We'll be there." she bowed her head.
They finished walking down the street in silence, each left to their own thoughts. Zahra's words kept echoing in his mind. Was he in love with Nellie? Could he even allow himself to fall in love with her? With everything else that had happened, what if she-
He didn't know. He wanted to say that it was far too soon to say that he was in love with her, but he just couldn't. How did you know for certain?
What was it that Zahra had said? Did he think of her constantly? They were married, it was natural to always think of your wife, right?
Heart skipping a beat? That just had to be his nerves.
Fire in his veins? Well, fighting always lit a fire under his skin, that had to be it.
An earth shattering kiss? They had only kissed once, at their wedding, and even though Selethen could clearly remember how the world and even time itself seemed to stand still, surely not every kiss would be like that.
He couldn't have fallen in love with her, it just didn't make sense. And he'd prove it if he had too. He would kiss Nellie and when it turned out to be a perfectly normal embrace, he could rest knowing that Zahra was wrong. Then he and Nellie could figure out the real reason why they were having such issues.
Selethen held his head high, content that he had a plan and desperately ignoring the happy voice inside that was thrilled to have an excuse to kiss the beautiful doctor he was married to.
Nel devoured the rest of her mother's journal, desperate to find out what else she didn't know.
As it turned out, Claire's father was spending so much time negotiating for her marriage to Prince Halt. He knew how sick he was and that he didn't have long for the world, so he was doing everything he could to make sure his daughter was taken care of after he passed. Their family was an ancient and noble line in Clonmel, with important political ties to two of the other kingdoms in Hibernia. It had taken over half a year of negotiations, but the king finally agreed to the union. It was agreed and finalized on her birthday, the wedding date set for two years later when she was 17.
Claire had no clue and was completely left in the dark until the announcement. Her mother hissed in her ear to stay silent when she was told the news, squashing any protests that Claire may have had.
Obediently, Claire accepted Halt's engagement gift and birthday present as gracefully as she could.
After hearing her mother describe them, Nel dove back into her chest. Pushing aside the extravagant clothes, which suddenly made much more sense, she gingerly brought out the jewelry box.
There she found the two gifts hidden among the rest of the contents. A golden band with a row of rubies and diamonds glittering across it. The engagement ring. With it, a pair of pearl hair clips. The birthday present.
Nel bit back a sob. This was further proof of her mother's story. Her parents had been in an arranged marriage.
It all made so much sense now, why her father had protested her marriage to Selethen so forcefully. Why he hated Duncan for 'bartering her off'. He'd been where she had been before. He had understood completely.
But why hadn't he just told her? Why continue to hide it? Nel's heart broke a little at the secrets. Even more shocking was the anger that filled her at the realization. She'd never been angry with her father before.
He'd hidden so much from her…
Quickly, Nel put it all away and returned to the journal. According to Claire, a plan had been put in place for the rest of her life, which she was none too happy about. Gone were her days of riding through a forest or lounging by the fire with a book. Every spare moment was spent with lessons on how to be a proper queen. It wasn't just her basic schooling anymore either. She was forced to study languages, diplomatic relations, public speaking, how to handle oneself at court, her mother made sure she knew it all.
The royal family left shortly after the announcement, with plans for Claire to move to the palace and finish her studies there after her father passed. No one kept secrets anymore and were more than honest about how sick her father was. Even with the best medicines, the most hope he had was to last another three, possibly four months. It was a heartbreaking story to read as it was clear how much Claire loved her father. That was the main reason that Claire agreed to marry Halt, as a promise to her father. She knew how important it was to him, so even though she hated the idea with every fiber of her being, she agreed to do it.
She was told that after she was married, all her energy would have to be put towards producing an heir for the throne, hopefully by the time she turned 20. 15 year old Claire was terrified. Three weeks ago she had barely a care in the world and now the kingdom was counting on her for an heir. Like Nel, Claire had never been courted before, although, unlike Nel, it was by choice. Claire just couldn't be bothered with distractions such as boys, especially after her father fell ill. Still, the whole process had her feeling, well, nervous was an understatement.
Nel had a hard time believing how similar their situations were. Both engaged to a stranger without any warning. Both had the same fears of their husband hating them. Both were scared of disappointing someone. She had much more in common with her mother than she first thought.
Nel finished the first of her mother's journals just before dinner. It stopped a few months after Claire and Halt were engaged, Claire still making note of all the changes to her life.
She had just finished putting the book away when she heard the door open, signaling Selethen's return.
"Nellie, are you here?" he called out.
"In the bedroom!" she yelled, standing back up. He walked in just as she finished straightening her dress, fighting to keep the blush off her face as she remembered this morning "How was your day?"
He gave her a smile as soon as he saw her, "Busy. The war has put a strain on all trading, even with our allies, and pirates keep being seen closer to the shore because of it. I did get the letters sent out though. Everyone will be up to date in a couple weeks."
"That's good."
"Yes." he nodded before taking a deep breath, "I also invited some guests for dinner."
Nel's eyebrows went up in surprise, "Oh? Who?"
"Aloom's cousin and her children. I ran into them earlier today." he said nervously, waiting for her response.
"I-I didn't know he had any family." she said, feeling a little guilty. She hadn't taken the time to get to know almost anyone here, even, apparently, her husband's best friend.
"Most of them live in Mararoc, but he moved here when I offered him a position in the guard," Selethen explained, "Zahra was married young to a merchant here in Al Shabah."
"Was married?" Nel asked, one of her eyebrows raising at his tone.
"Her husband died a few years ago in a Tualaghi raid." he explained sadly, "She was left with almost nothing. Aloom helps as much as he can, especially with the girls. When I saw them today, I just invited them without thinking."
"It's ok, I'm excited to meet them." She said honestly, although she couldn't help the pang in her heart. Sad stories always got to her, "How old are the girls?"
"3 and 7."
"So young." Nel whispered.
"She's made it work. Zahra got a job as a seamstress and Aloom gives her as much as he can."
"He's a good man. Why hasn't he ever married?" Nel wondered.
"He's simply turned down everyone his parents have tried to set him up with." Selethen shrugged, "Either he doesn't want to be married or doesn't like anyone his parents pick."
"Or he's got a sweetheart that they don't know about." Nel joked.
He chuckled lightly, "Trust me, that's not it."
"Because he would tell you?" she gave him a rare smirk.
Selethen scoffed, "Yes, yes he would."
"Right, because that's all you two talk about, your love lives," she smiled a little smugly, "I'm sure you go running right to him every time you want to talk about me."
His eyes widened at her boldness and Nel could feel her blush rising again. She wanted to slap her hands over her mouth before she accidentally said any more. She had no idea where this confidence was coming from and she was going to take a step back in shock, but he responded before she could. "Ok, fair enough, but he was the first person who knew we were engaged." he stated, taking a step closer to her.
She copied his movements unknowingly.
"He delivered the message and was in the room when you found out, wasn't he?"
"What-how did-" he sputtered at her words and she started laughing.
"So I'm right then?"
The tall Arridi warrior huffed slightly and took another step forward. The two of them were only a breath away now, Nel tilting her head back to look at him properly. He grabbed her waist, slowly pulling her closer to close that distance. Nel inhaled softly at the intimacy, her hands landing on his own in surprise.
"Don't expect it to happen again," he growled, his low voice rumbling through his chest and sending excited shivers down her spine.
Nel didn't know how to respond, frozen by his action, especially when he began leaning down towards her.
It was a moment of pure deja vu. They were so close when there was a knock at the door, interrupting them.
Selethen groaned, dropping his forehead onto hers, "One day, we won't be interrupted."
"That'll be the day." she whispered breathlessly as he moved to answer the door.
"Your dinner sir," said one of the servants as a few more followed in with trays in their hands, "Your guests are downstairs as well."
"Would you mind sending them up?"
"Of course." he bowed quickly before leaving, the other servants following a moment later.
They waited patiently for them to arrive, the appetizing smells drifting up from the table and making their stomachs clench in anticipation.
A few minutes later there came a light, yet very rapid, knocking on the door. Selethen gave her a bemused expression before opening it.
There was a tiny little girl with dark curly hair, a broad grin stretching across her face.
"Hi!" she burst out excitedly, not waiting for a 'hello', "We're here!"
"I can see that," he chuckled, "Did you get lost?"
She shook her head quickly, still smiling, "Nope!"
"Mesi!" a voice called out, "I told you not to run ahead!"
A short woman in her early thirties ran up behind the small girl, looking out of breath from her run up the stairs. A girl a few years older than Mesi followed behind.
Nel could tell right away that they were all related. Their faces were practically copies of each other and they all had the same dark curly hair. The only difference was the older child who's eyes seemed a little bit darker than her sister's. She smiled up at Nel and Selethen, showing two missing front teeth.
"Sorry about that," the woman said immediately, "She was really excited."
"We've never been here before!" the girl burst out, "I wanna explore!"
She tried to wiggle out of her mother's grasp, but her mother tightened her grip, refusing to let her run loose.
"It's ok," Selethen told her, inviting the three of them in, "I'm glad you were able to make it."
"Thank you for the invitation."
"Nellie, this is Zahra and her daughters, Mesi and Samura. Ladies, this is my wife."
"It's nice to meet you, your excellence." Zahra said, giving her the traditional Arridi hand greeting. Samura followed suit, but Mesi stared up at her in amazement.
"You can just call me Nel. I-I'm not big on formalities." she said softly.
Zahra was about to respond when Mesi burst out again, "Your hair's so long!"
Nel giggled, brushing some of it behind her ear, "I guess it is. I never really noticed."
Mesi ran forward, grabbing the ends of it and running them through her fingers. Nel hadn't cut her hair in close to a year and it fell far past her waist, giving the young girl plenty to play with.
"Mesi!" Zahra scolded, reaching forward to try to stop her daughter.
"It's ok," Nel told her with a smile, kneeling down, "I happen to love people playing with my hair."
Mesi's smile grew even wider if that was possible and she dove into Nel's hair again, twisting and trying to braid bits of it.
Nel just laughed, looking up at the rest of them. Both Selethen and Zahra were smiling at the child's enthusiasm, Zahra's looking more resigned at her daughter's antics, and Samura was watching on with wonder.
"Mama won't let us have long hair." she whispered, "She says it's too much work in the morning."
Zahra groaned, covering her face in embarrassment.
"I can understand that. Sometimes I think of cutting my hair to make things easier." Nel whispered back.
"No!" Mesi yelled, wrapping her arms around Nel's neck in a lightning quick hug from behind, "You can't ever cut your hair! Promise!"
She almost fell forward at the sudden hug, wobbling on her knees, but laughing once again, "Ok, ok, I won't cut my hair without permission!"
"Yay!"
'I'm sorry.' Zahra mouthed to her, but Nel was grinning too much to care as Mesi attempted to twist her hair on top of her head. The little girl's cheerfulness was infectious.
At her sister's prompting, Samura joined in, trying to show Mesi how to properly braid.
"Well, at least they're getting along." Selethen chuckled.
"I swear, I told them to behave." Zahra sighed, but still smiling down at the sight.
"Mama, look!" Mesi squealed, drawing their attention again. The three year old had thrown Nel's hair over herself in a bad attempt at a wig.
"Very pretty." Zahra said, humoring her.
"Can I grow my hair out, please?" she begged, looking up with wide eyes.
"When you're old enough to take care of it yourself."
"So I can grow my hair out?" Samura looked up hopefully.
Zahra folded her arms and looked at her, amused, "Did I brush your hair just this morning?"
The two girls giggled as their mother rolled her eyes. This was obviously a conversation they'd had before.
"So, are you two hungry, or would you rather keep playing dress up?" Selethen asked them.
"We aren't playing dress up!" Mesi told him firmly, stomping her foot with her hands on her hips, "We're just playing with hair!"
"Oh, my apologies." he said, somehow keeping a straight face as he did a quick bow, "Please forgive me."
"Hmm," Mesi hummed before shrugging, "Ok then."
That sent the adults laughing again before Zahra swooped in, rescuing Nel's hair from further 'playtime' and insisting that it was time for dinner.
Nel was still smiling as she accepted Selethen's help to stand back up. Her hair was a tangled mess with only a few decent looking braids thanks to Samura, but she was enjoying herself.
"This'll be a fun dinner." he whispered.
"Yes, it will be." she agreed.