Chapter Thirty

Nel practically collapsed at her vanity, completely exhausted. Glancing in the mirror, she winced at her appearance. None of her hair had been left untouched by the two girls, tangled around the hair clips and braids. Groaning to herself, she began to pick out the tiny hair pins, bearing through the pain as more than a few undoubtedly snagged and caught in the mess.

She really should've said no, but when Samura had pleaded to play with her hair again after dinner, Nellie hadn't been able to, instead pulling out the rarely used accessories she'd had.

The front door closed as Selethen got back from seeing their guests out. He appeared in the door of their bedroom, leaning against it and watching her, trying not to laugh.

Nel chose to ignore the expression. The children had had fun, which was all she cared about. Mesi had fallen asleep in Nel's lap, still playing with the ribbons that were now knotted at the ends of her hair.

Nel glared at them. For a three year old, Mesi had tied them surprisingly well.

"Would you like some help?" he asked, not quite able to keep the humor out of his voice.

"Please," she groaned.

He chuckled, coming to stand behind her. As gently as he could, Selethen took over pulling out the hair pins, leaving Nel stuck with the ribbons.

After a long moment of silence, Selethen softly said, "They really liked you."

Nel smiled, "I liked them too."

"I could never have guessed that." he said facetiously, pulling another pin loose.

Nel just laughed lightly. She'd always loved children. "We should invite them again sometime. Aloom too, when he gets back."

He met her eyes in the reflection, smiling down at her, "Ok then, we will."

Nel turned back to the ribbons in her hair, tugging at a particularly stubborn one. She was so caught up in the task that his next question caught her completely off guard.

"Do you want kids?"

"What?!" she burst out, looking at him in the mirror, eyes blown wide with shock. Was this it then? Were they-was he suggesting-this was her only warning?! Her eyes caught sight of the corner of their bed in the mirror, panic filling her chest.

It must've shown on her face as well because Selethen laid his hand on her shoulders, "Calm down. I'm not asking for anything, certainly not for anything you aren't ready for. I was simply curious."

Her breath caught again. Nel wasn't sure that they would ever discuss it, especially with the lack of anything happening on their wedding night. They had never come anywhere near this topic, acting as if it were some sort of taboo.

Yet here they were.

"Um, I-I…Well, I always thought I would be a mother someday." she said quietly. Selethen went back to removing the hair pins, but was listening intently, "I-It's not that I don't want kids, I love them, but I never had any reason to seriously think about it before…so I guess I never have."

"I understand that," his voice was calm, but Nel could tell that he was nervous as he spoke. Maybe even as nervous as her, "It's hard to think about something that seems so far away."

"Yeah, it is." she gulped, forcing herself to ask her next question. Where had her earlier confidence gone? "What about you? D-D-Do you want kids?"

He froze for a split second, but went back to focusing on the hair pins so quickly she thought that she must've imagined it. He smiled at her again, "Eventually, maybe. It would be nice, but if we did, then at least more than one. I'd want them to have siblings. Growing up alone wasn't exactly…enjoyable. I'd want them to always have someone."

"You seem to have thought about it a little more than me." she gave him a small smile in return, her hands shaking as she pulled at the ribbons again.

"I don't know, maybe." he said with a shrug, finally untangling the final pin, "But seeing you play with Samura and Mesi, it made me start thinking about it a little more. And then I realized that I had no idea if you even wanted kids, so I thought I would ask."

She pulled the ribbons fiercely, giving up on unknotting them. They came free after a harsh tug, pulling strands of her hair out with them.

He reached forward, grabbing her brush before she could and began pulling it through her tangled locks as gently as he could.

"Siblings are good. Gilan didn't come to live with us until I was around 10, and Will later on, but I couldn't imagine growing up without brothers there." she said.

"I know I had Aloom, and he is my brother in every way that matters, but before I met him it was…lonely," he admitted.

"I'm glad you had him though. No one should be lonely." Nel whispered.

"On that, we completely agree." he grinned.

Nel smiled again. They fell silent, Selethen focused on brushing her hair and Nel letting herself fall into the soothing feeling of it, eyes closing as she relaxed.

Eventually he finished, setting the brush down lightly.

"So," he said, catching her attention, "Children…someday."

"Someday." she agreed.

Selethen woke up with something tickling his nose.

He made a face, trying to blow whatever it was away, but it didn't work. Groaning to himself, he finally opened his eyes, seeing Nel's hair spread out all along the bed and creeping up onto his face.

His eyes widened in surprise. She normally wore it in a braid or tied back somehow when she slept, but last night she hadn't. However, her black locks laying claim to every area of the bed and pillows wasn't what surprised him. It was that she was curled up into his side, her deep breathing tickling his ribs and she was none the wiser, peacefully dreaming the morning away.

His arm was up, folded behind his head, and she was neatly tucked underneath it. He lifted his own head up from where it had fallen on top of hers, her natural scent of lemons and herbs immediately filling his head. Ever since she had sleepily mumbled about his scent, the very idea of scents wouldn't leave him alone. Hers had taken root in his mind, living rent free and refusing to move out, to the point where he swore he could smell her from across the room.

It was addicting.

It drove him insane.

It was never a problem before she mentioned it the other night.

He took a deep breath, hating how much he savored it, and got out of bed as gently as he could. Nel mumbled softly at the movement, but didn't wake up, and he let out a deep breath. Normally he would have loved to spend the morning laying there, letting her cuddle him, and waited with bated breath for her embarrassed and stuttering reaction to their position. However, he had things to do today.

Maajid had sent him a message yesterday that the delivery had arrived in the afternoon and if he hurried, Selethen could be back before breakfast.

Preferably before she woke up.

Nel knew that something had woken her up. There was some sort of noise that had made it through the sleeping fog that always surrounded her in the morning, but she couldn't remember what it was.

She groaned, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. The room was empty and silent and she looked around, confused, trying to remember what the sound was. Or if she had dreamed it.

It came again. Someone was speaking. It sounded like confused cursing? Maybe?

It was hard to tell. The door was cracked open, but the words were too muffled for her to understand what was being said.

Nel threw on her robe and left the room. Breakfast had already been delivered, the untouched food clearly visible through the open door to the dining room, but what confused her was the door to her office.

It was cracked open, a shadow moving through the gap.

Nel's eyes went wide. Someone was in her office, someone was messing with her supplies once again. Panic gripped her heart. She and Selethen were the only ones with a key. How did they get in? How did they get past the guards?

Nel bolted back to the bedroom. Selethen kept a small dagger in his bedside table and she grabbed it now, freeing it from its sheath. Her mind raced back to the hours she had spent watching her family spar and she tried to remember how her father said to properly hold the dagger. She was certain she was still doing it wrong.

Nel crept back to her office door, ready to scream for the guards if needed. Whoever was in there cursed again, muttering. It was still too low for her to properly understand them, but they didn't seem to hear her at least.

Nel took a deep breath, hands sweaty and shaky. She could do this. She could handle this. She had to.

Nel swung the door open, knife held up at the ready, "Stop right there!"

Selethen's instincts had him jumping back into a fighting stance, hand going to the small blade at his own hip, before he fully registered what had just happened.

Then he saw her, shaking in her nightgown, with her dagger pointed at him, and eyes wide with panic, and he couldn't help it. He burst out laughing, almost doubling over with tears in his eyes.

Nel blinked, "Wh-What? Selethen, what are you…"

He tried to stop laughing so he could respond. He really did. But one look up at her, still in that ridiculous stance, still holding that dagger up, and he lost it all over again.

"What are you doing?!"

"I…I was trying…This is…" he couldn't get the words out, hands on his knees to brace himself.

Nel finally lowered the dagger, taking note of the half unpacked boxes around the room. "Is this…medical supplies?"

He nodded, still laughing to himself.

"Why are you in here with…all this?"

"I-I was trying to surprise you." he finally got out, taking a deep breath to try to stop laughing. It wasn't entirely successful. A wide grin was still etched onto his face and his eyes twinkled in amusement as he watched her.

"W-Why?"

"Because," he shrugged, "I wanted to?"

Nel was more confused than ever.

"You needed new supplies." he said as if that explained everything.

"So you ordered enough for a hospital?" she snorted.

"No!" he protested, "Just a little of everything. I didn't realize that there was this much though and that was before I saw all the equipment."

He gestured to some boxes behind him, filled with the newest medical equipment that she recognized from Maajid's books. Her eyes went wide.

"Y-Y-You bought me all this?"

"Of course. I said I supported your work. I may not understand any of it, but I still want to help where I can. I thought rebuilding all the supplies you lost in Araluen would be a good start, but then Maajid insisted that you needed the new tools and equipment too. Something about it being more efficient for experiments?" Selethen looked at those particular boxes in doubtful confusion, "Then he told me about the new medical books that had been published lately. He's been begging for them for the hospital anyway, so I thought you would like some copies as well. I was trying to unpack it all before you woke up, but for the life of me, I can't figure out your organization in here and-"

He stumbled back, barely catching Nel as she launched herself at him and almost sending them tumbling over the boxes at his feet. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, yelling, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" over and over.

He started laughing again at her excitement. She was like a child on her birthday, walking in and seeing the mound of presents on the table.

"This is the greatest gift anyone's ever given me!"

"Does this mean I can get my dagger back now?" he laughed, trying to reach up and pry it out of her hands. She seemed to have forgotten that she was even holding it.

"I thought someone was messing with my supplies again!"

"Well…I kind of was."

She rolled her eyes, shoving his arm playfully, before handing it over.

He had barely set it on the counter before she had already buried herself in the herbs he had pulled out, taking inventory with barely a second thought. Nel mumbled under her breath, making mental notes regarding everything she saw.

Selethen kneeled down next to her, "Alright, since I obviously can't surprise you with organizing this myself, how can I help?"

Nel froze, looking at him awkwardly, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth.

"What is it?"

She inhaled sharply, "I…don't want you touching any of it."

Selethen blinked at her, "Excuse me?"

"I don't want you touching any of it. Please."

"Wh-What-I can buy it for you, but I can't help put it away?" he sputtered.

"You don't put it away right." she told him, wincing slightly at his expression.

"I don't put it away right."

Nel shook her head.

Selethen let out a breathy chuckle, "And how exactly do you put things in a jar or on a shelf…wrong?"

Nel looked hesitant to answer, but he nodded, gesturing for her to explain.

"You mislabeled half of them, those herbs have to be dried a certain way before they can be put in jars, the books are out of order, the bandages go over there, not over there, these herbs need to be hung, but you mixed these herbs completely in with these ones, those ones can't touch at all or they become contaminated, the scales need to be recalibrated, those jars haven't been cleaned yet, the-"

"Forget I asked." he huffed.

Nel cheeks reddened, but she leaned forward to give him another hug, "I do love it though. Thank you so much."

He rolled his eyes goodnaturedly, "How exactly did you notice all of that so quickly? You barely looked through one box."

"Every doctor notices these things?" she tried.

"I highly doubt that." he chuckled, "So, I guess this means Real Nellie is about to take over and reorganize everything to her heart's content?"

"Real Nellie?" she looked at him in confusion.

"The one who isn't hiding behind the 'proper and professional' personality. The one who shows up when you relax and open up to people. Your dad told me to consider myself lucky if I ever met her, but if I did, to never mess with her books or her medicine."

"Sounds like something he'd say." her lips turned up a little, but she avoided his gaze.

"You know, I think I like Real Nellie." Selethen mused, "She's sassier than you'd think. Definitely bossier. I kind of wish I'd gotten to meet her before."

"Maybe she was worried you couldn't handle her before."

"Trust me, I can." he smirked, "Especially if it means you start smiling and laughing more. I feel like I rarely get to see you do that."

"Maybe you've just never been that funny." she muttered before she could even think about what she was saying. As soon as the words left her mouth, she gasped, slapping her hands over her mouth and wishing she could take them back. It was testament to how comfortable she'd become around him if she was talking like that without thinking.

Selethen's jaw dropped at her words, "Excuse me?"

"I-I-I-"

"Oh, no need to explain. After all, I obviously haven't been trying hard enough." he gave her a look and reached into the box, grabbing a handful of loose herbs and dropping them on her head. Nel could practically feel them getting tangled in her bed head and he smiled proudly down at her, "Then again, I happen to think I'm pretty hilarious right now."

"Th-Those only grow two months of the year!" she yelled, grabbing her own handful and throwing them at him.

He laughed, trying to duck the flying plants. It didn't work. He fell back on the floor, laughing as Nel dumped a final handful on him.

"Wait, so you can throw them, but I can't?!"

"I'm a hypocrite!"

Nel collapsed on the floor next to him, unable to stop the giggles escaping her.

"Think you can salvage any of this?" he glanced around at the mess, grinning proudly at the mess.

Nel shrugged, "No idea. I'll try."

"I'll help."

The two of them lay there for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling. A thought popped into Nellie's head and she bit her lip.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"W-Why have you been so different these last few days?"

"Different? Different how?" he asked, turning his head to look over at her.

"Not a bad different!" she said hurriedly, "It's a good different. You seem more open, more relaxed, more…attentive? I think that's the best way to phrase it? But the part that confuses me is that it's like you're trying so hard to be that way. Like you're trying to be what you think you should be, what you think I'm expecting, instead of just yourself."

Selethen sighed, looking back up to the ceiling again, "Why do you have to do that?"

"Do what?" she asked, confused.

"You have this uncanny ability to see right through people and call them out on what they're hiding." he explained with another resigned sigh, "I saw you do it to your family, you've done it to me a few times already, and here you are doing it again."

"I really don't think I'm quite that good." she mumbled, "I know my family very well and I would hope that we've spent enough time together to be able to notice things like that."

"That's just it though. We don't know each other." Selethen stated, almost exasperatedly, "I started to really think about it last night, after we talked about having kids. We still barely know anything about each other. Yes, we've had a few conversations here and there, but at the end of the day, my wife is still a complete mystery to me and I don't like that. So yes, I may have been trying a little too hard, but that's because I want to make more of an effort. If this is what I have to do to make this work, then I'll do it."

"Don't." Nel said just as firmly as he had, propping herself up to look at him properly. Selethen looked a little startled at how forceful she sounded. "Don't you dare do that. I agree, we should make more of an effort, but not at the cost of who you are. I don't want to be married to a man that has to change the way he acts just to have a conversation with me. You've never had to do that before so please don't start now."

"You don't want me to…" he seemed to have a hard time accepting what she was saying before finally shaking his head and sitting back up, "Alright, what do you suggest then? Because I'm out of ideas. We've spent every morning for the better part of two months together, teaching you Arridan, but all that taught me was that you're a dedicated student which, considering your attitude towards medicine, is no surprise."

"So ask me." she blurted out, "Ask me anything. I have no reason to hide anything from you."

Selethen was silent for a minute, brow furrowed as he studied her as if to see if she was serious, "Fine then. Tell me this: why have you been so off the last few days? When you think I'm not watching, you get this sad, disappointed, hurt look on your face. Like someone just broke your heart. Why?"

Nel's eyes widened in shock. He had noticed that?

"I-I-"

The Wakir sat there patiently waiting for her answer, although he did look a little suspicious as he did so, as if he expected her not to tell him. Part of her didn't want to, but she had promised to answer anything he asked…

"I-I overheard some of the maids talking the other day." Nel whispered, looking away shamefully, "Everyone in Al Shabah thinks that I was sent here to…to kill you."

"What?!" he burst out angrily.

Nel just nodded, "I thought they just didn't trust me at the hospital because of what happened with the assassins, but it turned out to be so much more than that. Th-They think I'm playing a part, biding my time until I get a chance t-to kill you. They say that you know of 'my plan' and that you secretly hate me, but are putting on a show for the treaty."

Selethen cursed, glaring down at his clenched fists. Nel wasn't sure she had ever seen him more furious.

The words kept spilling past her lips. Now that she had started, she was desperate to get them out, "I-I swear, I wasn't sent to kill you! I could never kill you! I-I know that Araluens don't have the best track record with promises, but I'm not lying! I-I-"

Selethen looked up at her, seeing how close she was to panicking, and in seconds she was curled up in his lap, one arm tight around her waist while the other stroked her hair. Nel lay her head on his chest, twisting her ring around her finger.

"It's ok, I know. You could never hurt anyone habibi, never. Anyone could see that. It goes against everything you stand for." he whispered reassuringly.

She didn't attempt to pull away, there was something comforting about being held tight like this by him.

"Please don't hide things like this from me. Tell me right away." he whispered.

She nodded, "Ok. I will. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I-I was just scared. I didn't want them to be right, but I couldn't stop thinking, 'what if'? What if they were right and you hated me or were just tolerating me for the sake of the treaty or-"

"I would never toy with you like that." Selethen said vehemently, "Why would you ever think that?"

"I-I don't know." she admitted, practically whispering the words into his neck, "I'm sorry."

He just held her tighter, groaning softly, "What can I do to make you trust me Nel? I'm officially out of ideas."

"I do trust you!" she protested.

"Apparently not." he scoffed, "One overheard conversation and you think that I hate you."

"You have every reason to." Nel told him, at the same time giving up hope of controlling what she said. Her mouth had a mind of its own today, the words blurting forth without her permission.

"I don't care about the history between our countries Nel, I care about you! I care about right now! The past is in the past and unlike the rest of the world, I'm not going to hold it against you! Sandstorms above and around us, you were eight years old! You aren't responsible for what your country or your king did, especially not when you were a child!" he yelled, pulling away to look at her. Nel met his gaze straight on, but had no response ready.

He cared about her?

Her brain had barely caught what he said after that statement and despite the angry tone and look on his face, a warmness spread through her chest at the confession.

His words seemed to be sinking in to him as well, his eyes widening as he realized what he said, but he didn't say a word.

At the same time, Nel realized exactly how intimate their position was. She was still curled up in his lap, her hands having become somehow fisted in his shirt. His arms were wrapped around her, holding her to him just as firmly. Nel could actually feel his heart beating through his chest, its quickened pace matching her own.

Nel was at an absolute loss. What did she do? What should she say? She couldn't begin to understand how he had come to care about her, it just didn't make sense. She hadn't done anything but be a nuisance, unlike him. Selethen had done everything he possibly could to make her happy, but she'd been nothing but a bother, an inconvenience. He'd tried to make her comfortable, to make her part of his life, give her anything she could possibly want, but he cared about her? Nel just couldn't understand why.

But he was still sitting there, waiting for a response. She felt like dying of embarrassment when she heard herself ask, "Do…Do you really mean that?"

Selethen gulped nervously, but didn't shy away, whispering, "Every word."

"So…"

"So just forget about it, please." he looked at her pleadingly, "Don't worry about whatever happened in the past Nellie. Don't listen to what anyone else says. I don't hate you, I don't think I ever could. There are moments when you drive me up a wall, just as I'm sure there are times that I make you completely insane, but I don't hate you. Please, don't ever think otherwise."

A relieved laugh broke out of her and she felt some of the tension leave her shoulders, "I don't hate you either."

"Really?" he cocked an eyebrow at her.

She just shook her head, "Far from it."

"Good." he gave her a genuine smile for the first time since the conversation started, "Because I don't think I could cope with the knowledge that my wife despised me for our entire marriage."

Nel giggled again at his words and, feeling emboldened at the conversation, decided to rest her head back on his shoulder. Selethen accommodated her movement and new position almost without thinking, shifting a little so that they were both comfortable, leaning back against one of the many boxes on the floor.

"I still can't believe that someone actually believes you're an assassin. You couldn't hurt someone if you wanted to."

"Gilan would disagree with you."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"We had a prank war when he was an apprentice. He was more creative with the pranks, but mine lasted longer." she admitted, looking a little guilty.

Selethen laughed, "Would that be when you gave him laxatives?"

"How do you know about that?!"

He smiled knowingly, "Your father is very proud of everything you've done."

Nel looked mortified, "I cannot believe he told you that!"

"Again, he seemed very proud."

"Well…Gilan deserved it."

"I'm sure he did."

Selethen looked like he was trying hard not to laugh again and Nel rolled her eyes to herself. Deciding that changing the subject was probably in her best interest at this point, she asked, "So, what else did you want to know?"

Professor: Small note. Because they live in the desert, I think that the people in Arrida would 'curse' by referencing things like sandstorms and droughts in various ways. Similar to how the Skandians reference their gods, each region has their own form of cursing. So when Selethen says 'Sandstorms above and around us', that is what is happening, just in case anyone was confused.