Chapter Forty Two
Warning:
This chapter contains abuse, threats, and references to past abuse, as well as references to implied rape.
'Today is the first day in two months that I feel like a normal human again. I have either been throwing up or sleeping constantly. I can't keep any food down, although not for lack of trying.
The sad part is I don't know who has it worse, me or Halt. Sure, I'm the pregnant one, but he is dealing with a pregnant wife and still training to be a ranger. He's been so worried about me, it is so sweet that it actually made me cry yesterday. I hate how out of control my emotions are right now.
Surprisingly, Pritchard has been a huge help through all of this. He knows a surprising amount about pregnancy. He really has been our saving grace since we left Dun Kilty. I don't know how to thank him.'
'Halt and I have been arguing about names. I'm almost four months along and we've spent the last two weeks in constant disagreement. He doesn't want to name our child after anyone in his family, which I can understand, except for Caitlyn. I would love to name our daughter after her, if we have one, but he says he doesn't want a single reminder of Dun Kilty if he can help it. He loves Caitlyn, but doesn't want a reminder that he left her behind and at Ferris's mercy.
I don't want to name our child after anyone in my family either, they all have such old-fashioned names, but that rules out a lot of options for us too.
It's just all so frustrating.'
'Pritchard and I ended up having a very long talk while Halt ran into town today. I don't know for certain, but I think Halt is finally starting to truly trust him. Whenever he talks about Araluen, Halt asks more and more questions.
Anyway, I asked Pritchard how he knew so much about children and pregnancy. He told me that he was married a very long time ago. His wife and him were going to have a baby, but right before she gave birth, they were attacked by bandits. Pritchard had done everything he could, but they were outnumbered. He couldn't save them in time. An arrow had taken his wife and while they tried to save the baby, nothing they did was enough.
It was heartbreaking to watch his face as he told the story.
Everyone has gone through so much misfortune, it's not fair. I wish there was something I could do.'
'The baby kicked today! Oh, it was amazing! I was getting lunch ready and it just came out of nowhere!
At first I thought I had imagined it, but then they kicked again!
I ran outside to show Halt and when he felt it, he got the widest grin I think I've ever seen. He hardly left me alone for the next hour, constantly touching my stomach.
This is…oh my gosh, we're having a baby!'
It was the sunlight that woke her up, the bright light filtering through her eyelids. Nel grumbled, curling back into her extremely comfy bed for any chance to go back to sleep.
Her pillow hummed beneath her, "We fell asleep."
Furrowing her brow, Nel finally opened her eyes in confusion. Blinking to adjust to the light, she saw Selethen looking down at her, a sleepy smile on his own face. That was when she realized her pillow was actually his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her to keep her close.
Nel felt her cheeks heat up, "S-So we did."
"Not a bad way to sleep though," he muttered, nuzzling the top of her head, "Or wake up."
Despite herself, Nel grinned, "Very true."
They lay there for a moment, Nel relaxing in his arms, enjoying the quiet morning. The peace was broken though by Selethen's growling stomach.
Nel giggled, "We fell asleep before we had dinner."
"The main point of us coming up here. How do you feel about dinner for breakfast?"
"Sounds great."
Groaning, they sat up, stretching their limbs before reaching for their uneaten dinner from the night before. Nel took the chance to look over Mararoc while they did so. The city was quiet, the streets still a mess from the celebration the night before. Obviously plenty of people had decided to sleep in. She turned back around to see her husband frowning at the coffee pot.
"What?"
"It's cold," he grumbled.
"Cold coffee isn't the worst thing in the world." she pointed out.
He made a face, "May as well be. Have you ever had cold kafay?"
"As a matter of fact I have and I can assure you, there are worse things."
He sniffed, "I miss when you were too nervous around me to correct me and point out things like that."
"Then you shouldn't have made me so comfortable around you." she teased.
Selethen rolled his eyes, pouring the cold drink for them. Quickly they dug into the food, quieting their starving stomachs.
"Thank you." Nel said when they were done.
Selethen shrugged, "It was only festival food. Wasn't exactly complicated to get."
"No, I mean, for everything. Yesterday, last night, all of it. Thank you." she corrected, unable to look at him with her cheeks flaming like they were.
She felt him move closer before he gently grabbed her chin, tilting her head up just enough to kiss her. Like all of their kisses, this one sent a jolt right down to her toes, something she still wasn't used to.
He pulled away, looking into her eyes intently, "Nellie, I…"
"Yes?" she prompted when he trailed off.
"It's nothing." he assured her with a smile, leaning down to kiss her again.
Nel relaxed into it, wrapping her arms around him as they leaned back into the pillows, neither one ready to leave.
"This is new." Halt said as he walked into her room, finding her seated at the window, "Since when did you start painting?"
"Since today," Nel muttered, glaring at the small easel in front of her, "Selethen bought them for me and since he had to meet with the Emrikir, I thought I should try them out."
And so far it wasn't going well. She was trying to recreate the sunset from the night before, using the view outside the window as a reference point, but was failing horribly. The colors kept blending the wrong way and the brush felt clumsy in her hand. It was supposed to be a gift for Selethen, she wanted to give him something since he had done so much for her, but at this rate the painting wouldn't be ready for years.
"That was nice of him." Halt said, grimacing as he caught sight of the 'painting' and choosing not to comment on it, "He's meeting with Atanyan?"
She nodded. The two of them had stayed on the roof until after lunch, enjoying their morning alone. The memory filled her chest with pure joy.
However, after they came down, Selethen never letting go of her hand the entire way, his presence was immediately requested by the Emrikir. That had been almost an hour ago now.
"Damn," Halt said, bringing her thoughts back to the present, "I was supposed to deliver this to the Emrikir."
He pulled out a sealed envelope from his pocket, "It's a report on the ships from Toscana. I was supposed to deliver it then head right back down."
"And you stopped by here?"
Halt glared at her, "A slight detour to see my daughter is acceptable, especially after she disappeared all of yesterday."
Nel blushed at his words, deciding to ignore them in favor of cleaning her brush.
"But," Halt continued when he realized she wasn't going to answer, "I can't deliver it if he's in a meeting."
"Let me do it then," she offered, putting down her painting supplies, "I can make myself useful."
"You want to deliver the report?" he asked skeptically.
She shrugged, "Why not? You said you had to get right back to the port."
"You wouldn't rather stay here and," he raised an eyebrow at her painting, "practice?"
Nel rolled her eyes, grabbing the envelope out of his hands, "Very funny."
The Ranger smiled, stepping out of her way as they went to the door, "You're different."
"What?"
"You're different. Not a bad different, just different."
"How so?" she asked, closing the door behind them.
Halt shoved his hands in his pockets as they walked, "More confident. Less nervous. I think I've heard you stutter once since you've been here? You don't seem as afraid anymore. If anything, you look happier."
"Is that ok?" she asked gently, looking intently at him for his response.
"Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?" He seemed very confused.
"Well," Nel dropped her gaze to the ground, twisting her ring around her finger, "You weren't exactly happy about all of this. I…didn't want to disappoint you by enjoying it here."
Halt grabbed her arm, stopping them in the middle of the hallway, "Aranel, you could never, never, possibly disappoint me."
"But in Araluen you-"
"No." he cut her off firmly, "Was I mad? Yes. Did I hate you being forced into something? Of course. But have I ever been disappointed in you? Never and I never will be. You don't have to be scared of ever disappointing me. All I want is for you to be happy and if you are, then that is the greatest gift I could ask for. I am so sorry if I ever made you believe otherwise."
Tears pricked at Nellie's eyes and she pulled him into a tight hug. A knot in her stomach she didn't even know she had unraveled at his words and it felt like a weight had lifted off her shoulders.
"You don't have to avoid being happy. You don't have to be scared of falling in love. And you most definitely don't have to care what anyone else thinks about your life Nellie." he whispered.
"Thank you dad." she whispered back, wiping away a tear.
"I love you ceann ciúin."
"I love you too."
He pulled back to look at her, "Hey, dinner tonight?"
She nodded, smiling again, "No threats to Selethen, ok?"
Halt jokingly rolled his eyes, "If I must."
"You must."
She giggled and they started walking again. They ended up saying goodbye at the stairs, him going back to the port to finish working and her up to the Emrikir's office.
Nel had a smile on her face the entire time, feeling completely happy and not guilty about that for the first time in months.
That talk with her dad, hearing him say all of that, was exactly what she needed to hear and she hadn't realized it. It was what had been holding her back, what had been stopping her from realizing everything.
She loved Selethen. She was in love with him.
Her heart felt like bursting from the emotion flooding it, one that finally had a name.
Sure, their life in Arrida had been tough so far and it wasn't going to become magically easier overnight, but seeing him smile somehow made it worth it. She finally understood what he meant the night before. She just liked seeing him happy. And if she was the one who made him happy? The thought made her heart beat so fast she thought it would fly out of her chest.
Nel was sure she looked like a complete doofus as she neared the Emrikir's suite, smiling at seemingly nothing. The guards glared at her, but let her in without an issue and Nel found herself in a large living room, Atanyan and Selethen's voices floating through the barely open door to the right. Another door was across from her, towards the left, but she ignored it.
Nel moved towards the one on the right, walking as gently as she could around the dozens of statues in the room. Why did Atanyan have so many statues? It made no sense to her. The bust of Atanyan she walked past glared at her unnervingly. She suppressed a shudder at it.
She raised her hand to knock, but stopped short when she heard her name.
"...Nel and I will have children in our own time. That's the only thing I can tell you."
"I can't accept that answer!" Atanyan yelled. Nel flinched back at the ferocity in his voice.
"I told you, I won't be giving you a different one."
"Why are you being so stubborn about this?!"
"Why won't you drop the subject?"
"Sands, you're infuriating!"
"Oh, I'm infuriating?" he barked out a humorless laugh.
"Don't start getting comfortable with me. You are infuriating. You've been refusing to follow orders since you met her. This new attitude of yours, acting like some spoiled child who gets to pick and choose whatever he wants, you never did that before you went to Araluen. Just do your job and provide an heir."
"Maybe we don't want kids, did you think of that? Maybe we've decided not to have any at all."
"Lies! You've always wanted kids! Besides, that's all women are good for: breeding and raising the little monsters!"
"Oh, is that what you tell Yasmine?"
There was a resounding 'smack' and Nel gasped, the letter dropping from her hands as she covered her mouth quickly. Had he just-no, he couldn't have…could he?
Atanyan's voice dropped to a deadly whisper, "You'd better learn to bite that tongue or I'll be cutting it out, do you understand me?"
There was a long pause. Then, "Yes sir."
"I taught you a long time ago not to cross me. Surely you don't want that lesson again, do you?"
"No sir."
"Good, now go find your prude of a wife and teach her how to be a whore. It's time for her to quit playing at doctor. She has other duties to focus on, you both do."
"No."
Nel's eyes widened when she heard Selethen refuse. Atanyan had just threatened him, why would he-
"I must not have heard you right. Did you just say 'no'?"
"I did." Selethen assured him. Nel leaned forward to peek into the doorway, seeing her husband tower over Atanyan, shoulders set stubbornly. The Emrikir looked more confused than intimidated though. "You've been ordering me to bed Nellie since before she and I were even married. My answer has been the same every time: no."
"Seley el'then-"
"No." he repeated, "I don't know why you care about our children so much, but I will not be forcing her into something she may not be ready for. I will certainly not be letting you talk about her that way either, so I would choose your next words very carefully, Your Excellence."
"Do you even realize what you are-"
"Yes. Yes I do. Nellie is my family now and family always comes first. That's one of the few things my parents were able to teach me before they died, so do whatever you like to me, but know that I will die before I let you hurt her."
Atanyan glared at him, but Selethen didn't shrink away.
"You fell in love with her." he spat accusingly.
Selethen gave a quick, simple nod, "Yes, I did. It was rather easy too. She's wonderful. I got very lucky."
He groaned, rolling his eyes, "For once, can't you ever follow your sanding orders?"
"When you finally give orders worth following."
Nel's heart swelled with pride before immediately shattering as she watched Atanyan slap Selethen again. Selethen didn't even flinch, but Nel could see the drop of blood at the corner of his mouth from the hit.
"I told you to bite your tongue. Speak to me like that again and I'll have you whipped in front of that precious wife of yours. Now get out of my sight."
Nel backed up quickly, almost crashing into one of the many statues that decorated the room.
Her mind blanked as Selethen exited the room, the door clicking shut behind him. His eyes widened in complete shock when he saw her standing there, absolutely speechless.
Nel's eyes flitted to the door and he seemed to catch her wordless panic. Quickly, he grabbed her arm and they rushed out of the room, practically running once they got out of sight of the guards.
They didn't stop until they reached their room, Selethen slamming the door shut and locking it behind them.