Chapter 35

Sadness

Cameron was very worried about her imminent destruction. She'd been going into combat almost daily, as well as nightly. She kept receiving cosmetic damage to her face as well as her body. Her one breast had been destroyed twice. The last time the nipple failed to regenerate. Several weeks had passed since it happened. She thought the damage was permanent. Now she never wanted John to see her topless again. She was ashamed she was no longer whole. Only Vanna or Allison were allowed to assist her in her repairs.

The more she tried not to think about it, the more she thought about it. The more she thought about it, the more it irritated her. The more it irritated her, the more it angered and upset her. It was a vicious cycle which only seemed to compound on itself.

Cameron reached down and angle the affected area up as much as she could for a better look. Everything still looked the same. She asked Vanna about it anyway.

"Can you see anything?" Cameron asked. "There isn't even a slight pigmentation change at the end."

Vanna looked with a magnifying glass. She knew Cameron already checked with her enhanced vision. She didn't want to brush it off because she knew how much it bothered Cameron. She knew how much it would bother her. There wasn't anything to tell Cameron other than the truth.

"No, Cameron, there's nothing there, or indicating it's going to be there." Vanna said. "It's been weeks, I don't think it is coming back. The one breast will no longer have nipple on it. I can try to fabricate one and graft it on for you."

Vanna knew they could take one off of one of the damaged Terminators which Cameron brought back. It would be off a male, but maybe her sheath could take it from there and regenerate it back to 'normal'. Perhaps it just needed 'something' to work with.

She could see Cameron looked upset and depressed. Those were both very human emotions. She felt Cameron's attitude was also very human about it.

Cameron's shoulders slumped slightly. It seemed to be an act of resignation.

"No. Don't bother, this chassis is expendable. I no longer care…." Cameron said. "It's going to happen to my face as well. It's just a matter of time. John will never want me now."

Cameron was ashamed she was now permanently damaged. It made her feel very less than whole. It didn't matter if the female attributes on her body were non-functional in comparison to a human female. She attempted to tell herself it bothered her because she was an infiltration unit. If her sheath was in damage condition, it would prevent her from infiltrating properly. She knew it was more than a functional or operational issue. It was a personal issue.

It saddened Allison to hear Cameron talk in such a manner. She could only picture the torment in her mind. She tried to point out the reality of the situation.

"Cameron, you can't nurse, it's only cosmetic. It doesn't matter." Allison said. "John will still accept you, even if you're not one hundred percent. It's what love is about. If someone doesn't love you for the way you are, then they don't really love you."

Cameron saw Vanna touch the area her scar was in on her lower abdomen. It made her feel bad now she'd said anything. She knew Vanna was very troubled about not being one hundred percent for Allison. It was clear to her Allison loved Vanna just as much, even with her defect. It's what she tried to get across to John. The person, or individual, was more than just their appearance. She'd always known from the first moment she met John, her appearance was important to him. She'd witnessed how he reacted to it. It was very positive.

Vanna removed her hand. She looked at Allison and smiled. She knew Allison loved her just the way she was. It also gave her a new idea. Maybe it was time to 'jump start' things.

"Can you use Allison's DNA to Resequence your chassis processor, to re-initiate your sheath?" Vanna asked. "I know you can Resequence your entire sheath to a different appearance with new DNA. It would re-establish your DNA code with Allison's. Take a sample of Allison's DNA and visit a genetics lab at night when no one is around, to do the coding."

Cameron tilted her head slightly. The concept made her think. Maybe it was one way for her to 'get away from it all'. John chose Riley over her before. Maybe if she regenerated and Resequenced to a different appearance, with someone else's DNA, he would be better satisfied.

"It might work. Maybe I should change my entire DNA code to a different one." Cameron said. "I could start over. I could be a 'new' person. I think I'll try it. I've wanted to be someone different for a long time anyway."

Cameron didn't want to be 'Nobody' anymore. She wanted to be 'Somebody'.

It would be a big step forward. She at least hoped it would be forward, and not backward.

Cameron thought about a different appearance when they returned from Serrano Point near Avila Beach. It was when she first saw Riley. She could tell by the way John looked at her, he was fixated on her. It was clear he'd picked someone different from her. She was right there in front of him everyday. She'd made several attempts to indicate to him she was available for 'other things'. She let him see as much of her sheath as possible, whenever she could. Sarah was usually around to tell her not to 'show so much'.

Vanna and Allison both hoped Cameron wouldn't Resequence herself to a different DNA sample. They were both very pleased with her current appearance.

Cameron thought about her life and what she really was. Allison said it herself. She wasn't a 'real female'. She couldn't nurse or reproduce. She was a machine. She was a very scary robot, masquerading as a human female. It was all an illusion. It was a lie. She was still a machine at the end of the day.

She made a decision about her future. It was time to step aside and let John have a real life. Who was she fooling anyway? Maybe it was only herself.

"Vanna, Allison." Cameron said.

Cameron seemed very serious to them.

"Yes?" They both asked as they looked at her.

Cameron thought they were both beautiful. They were good people too. She understood why Future John wanted them.

She looked at Vanna and Allison and smiled at them.

"I want either of you, or both of you, to be with John." Cameron said. "I no longer wish to be in his life…."

There was a strained moment of silence.

"What?" They both asked as they looked at her.

Cameron explained what she wanted and why. It was time they took their rightful place at John's side, just as it was in her future. It was the way it was supposed to be. It was the 'Natural Order' of time. It was what Future John wanted for John now. She was the one who actually stood in the way of it. She wasn't fulfilling Future John's wishes, she was actually hindering them.

She was deeply troubled over it. The closer to Vanna, and especially Allison, she became, it brought up repressed memories. Her hand would glitch almost all the time when she remembered the future. Her past actions from her future seemed to stalk and haunt her.

Cameron increasingly felt plagued with guilt when she was around Allison. Her memories of Future Allison filled her mind. It soon became an obsession. The more she tried to suppress the memories, the more vivid they were the next time they came up. She was near the breaking point. The guilt and remorse only got worse.

Later on:

Cameron passed by the recreation room. She saw Vanna, Allison and John playing with Savannah. Cameron thought Vanna looked even prettier now, since Vanna 'asked' Savannah if she could color her hair the same as hers. Savannah thought it was a great idea. She liked it because Vanna could look like 'mommy and her'. Savannah thought it would be nice if John changed his hair the same color too.

She watched them for a while. Her repressed memories started to flood her thoughts. She felt the guilt and remorse flood her. It was even worse this time. It seemed every time she thought of it, it was worse than the time before. She felt confused. She wanted to get away from it all. She left and made it as far as Vanna and Allison's room. She started to glitch all over. It wasn't just her hand this time. It was her whole body. The door was open so she went inside.

Cameron went to the furthest corner and squeezed in between a dresser and the wall. She pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapped her arms around them, placed her head against them. She started to cry.

Allison played with Savannah for a while. John and Vanna were there too. It was a special treat for all of them.

Vanna touched her arms.

"It's a little cool." Vanna said.

Allison hadn't thought about it until Vanna mentioned it.

"I can always get our sweaters or sweatshirts." Allison said.

Vanna shrugged it off.

"You don't need to." Vanna said.

Allison thought she wanted to do it anyway. She returned to her room. She heard crying and saw someone in the corner. It didn't make any sense. She'd left Vanna in the recreation room. Who else would be in her room crying? She went over to see.

She was a little shocked at what she found.

"Cameron?" Allison asked.

Allison was actually very confused at this point.

The crying increased.

"Cameron, what's wrong?" Allison asked.

At this point, Allison was very worried. She knelt beside her. She took Cameron's hand and held it. Cameron looked up at her. Her face was flooded in tears.

"Allison?" Cameron asked.

Cameron felt very confused.

"Yes. I'm here, Cameron. What's wrong?" Allison asked. "Do you want me to get John?"

It was the last thing Cameron wanted at this point. She knew it would only make it worse. She didn't want to be a bigger problem than she already was.

"No!" Cameron said.

Allison was very confused and felt tearful herself. It hurt her deeply to see Cameron in this type of pain. It was the kind of pain which never went away.

The guilt and shame was overwhelming for Cameron as she looked up at Allison, as she tried to comfort her. Here was the person she'd hurt in her future, trying to help her.

"Allison, I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" Cameron asked.

Allison was really confused by her statement.

"Forgive you for what? You've done nothing bad to me." Allison said.

Cameron knew what happened. She was there.

"Allison, I took you away from John and Savannah." Cameron said.

It wasn't why Allison left them in the recreation room. She'd returned to her room for a very specific purpose.

"No. I left to come back here on my own." Allison said. "I wanted to get my sweatshirt."

Cameron's crying intensified.

"In MY Future, I took you away from Future John and Future Savannah." Cameron said.

Cameron paused.

"Future John loved you, and you loved him. You were trying to have a child together. You wanted to start a family." Cameron said. "I destroyed all of it."

Allison pulled Cameron close to her as she tried to comfort her. She wasn't exactly sure what Cameron wanted to get across to her.

"I'm barren, Allison. I can't give John a child, his child. I destroyed his dream. I'm a terrible 'creature', Allison." Cameron said. "I prevented Future John from having children."

Cameron's statement gave Allison a few things to think about. Cameron's revelation made her think of more recent events, and things which might have happened. Some of them begin to make sense now.

"Is it why as 'Bob', you never interfered when I made advances at John?" Allison asked.

Allison thought because of John's excellent health in the future, he could have fathered a child with her. It would have been for her and Vanna to raise. She didn't know where Vanna was at the time, but she hoped to find her again.

"Yes. I owed it to both of you. I stole your hopes and dreams. I ruined it. I'm an interloper, a machine, a NOBODY." Cameron sobbed. "Everything which goes wrong seems to revolve around me."

Allison saw it as just the opposite.

"Cameron, you're the most caring, noble, unselfish and giving person I know." Allison said and meant it.

More guilt flooded over Cameron.

"You forgot to mention I'm also a ruthless, stone cold killer." Cameron said.

Allison heard enough. She wanted to set the record straight.

"It doesn't seem like you said, you are to those who love you." Allison said.

Allison could tell Cameron must be 'seeing' her interchangeably with Future Allison. Technically they were the same individual, even if they weren't, because of the different timelines.

"Allison, if you or Vanna ever want to have a child, I want you to consider John as the father. I want to give him back what I took away. I want to give YOU back what I took away. The loss of you made Future John push everyone away, including Future Savannah too. You both agreed if he couldn't father a child with you, Future Savannah, who also loved him AND you, would try. Those who could produce offspring were rare in my future. It would have been the three of you and whatever children you could have. I want both of you to be with him now instead of me."

Cameron was supposed to advance John's growth personally, not stifle it, or hinder it. She felt she was nothing but a giant roadblock in John's life.

Allison wanted Cameron to get some control over herself. It seemed very much like she was on a self-destructive path right now.

"Cameron, stop doing this to yourself. It was a different future. You're killing yourself." Allison said. "You're tearing your mind apart with guilt and remorse."

Cameron looked Allison directly in her eyes.

"Sometimes when I think about it, I want to - go." Cameron said.

Allison was confused.

"Go? Go where?" Allison asked.

Cameron looked very lost.

"GO…." Cameron repeated.

Allison now understood the implication. She wanted to get things clear.

"Do you mean die?" Allison asked worriedly.

Cameron was very upset.

"YES!" Cameron said.

Cameron's statement made Allison think about some of the damage Cameron returned with. Was she really attempting to be terminated?

"You're sacrificing your heart and mind over this. With the way you return sometimes, it seems like your body as well." Allison said. "Vanna and I will look after each other and John, as well as you. You're literally killing yourself doing this to yourself. You need to stop. Please stop for me."

Cameron knew what she'd done.

"I must atone for my 'sins'." Cameron said.

Allison didn't see how Cameron was responsible for Skynet's actions.

"You're not responsible for any of this." Allison said.

Cameron looked directly at Allison with tear filled eyes.

"I am, Allison. I am. I think I... I... I killed you." Cameron said.

The crying intensified.

"I KILLED YOU!" Cameron shouted.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Sadness

When one can't be happy
It doesn't mean one can't be sad
If someone couldn't feel emotion
They should feel relieved and glad

It seems that not much in life
Works out as it was planned
One can struggle to break free
Yet end up mired in life's quicksand

It's a time when one should seek
Comfort in loved ones and friends
They may be able to make amends
For the pain and agony that never ends

How can it be so overpowering
Leaving one to feel alone and small
Shoving one in the dirt to wallow and crawl
It prevents one from standing tall

As heartache and grief compound
It drives one to the point of madness
Anguish grips one from inside like a vice
As they are overwhelmed by sadness

Nobody