Chapter 37

Transgression

John stayed up with Cameron all night. Much of the time was passed in silence. John almost drifted off a few times. Allison and Vanna each visited during the night to check on him and Cameron. They both offered to take over and be with Cameron so he could get some sleep. He didn't want to impose on the girls. He wanted to tough it out, and spend the time with Cameron.

"When you wake up in the morning, it's fine with me if you take over then." John said.

Allison looked at John. She could see he was tired.

"I'll be back." Allison said.

Allison returned to her room. Vanna was there with her. They both tossed and turned in bed. The atmosphere of what occurred earlier wasn't conducive to sleep. The statement Cameron 'killed her', didn't feel very good either. She could never picture the Cameron she knew would ever harm her, let alone 'kill' her. It was very unsettling.

She drifted in and out of a very uneasy sleep. She saw Vanna finally fell asleep. She got up and went to Vanna's desk in the lab. She took out the poems Cameron provided for Vanna to read. Vanna told her of them, and how they made her feel. She told her how she could feel what Cameron felt as she read them.

Allison wanted to fully understand everything she could about Cameron. She'd read some before. Maybe it was time to read them now, and really understand what it was they actually said. Vanna told her it was more than the sum of the words.

She looked at the clock. It was almost morning. She would read the poems for a while and then go relieve John. She picked up the first one. It was titled, 'Outsider'. She read it. She read both versions of it. She just sat there for a few minutes and thought about it. She knew from the very first poem, Cameron felt the way she'd felt, for a very long time. She read on as her heart and mind were 'stabbed' by Cameron's very thoughts and feelings. She wept at the pain Cameron endured. She even understood the references to what humans know as death. She'd experienced many of the same feelings herself. She thought it was why they stung even more, as she shared Cameron's anguish and torment.

She set down the stack of poems and wiped her tears away. She went to relieve John. There were a lot of thoughts cascading through her mind as she headed to where Cameron and John were at.

Allison walked in the room and nodded at John. He nodded back.

John could see Allison looked like she'd been crying before she arrived. He could tell she was really torn up about Cameron. He didn't know she'd been reading, and just 'experienced' Cameron's very thoughts and feelings. He didn't even know about the poems. Cameron told the others before, he wasn't ready to see them yet.

Allison finally managed to speak.

"Go get some grub and then some sleep, John." Allison said. "I want to be with Cameron for a while."

John nodded at Allison. He turned his attention back to Cameron.

"I'll see you soon, precious." John said as he got up to leave.

He continued to look at Cameron.

"Bye, John." Cameron said.

Their hands separated in slow motion.

John finally left the room.

Allison touched Cameron's cheek and smiled at her.

"Hello, Cameron, do you feel any better today?" Allison asked.

Cameron managed a faint smile.

"Yes I do. Thank you for last night, about EVERYTHING." Cameron said.

Allison looked around and checked the time.

"Vanna should be by soon." Allison said. "I saw she finally fell asleep earlier."

The look on Cameron's face seemed very apprehensive.

"I've thought of another grave 'evil' I've committed against both Vanna and you." Cameron said.

Allison swallowed hard.

'Here we go again.' Allison thought.

"Do you want to wait until Vanna gets here and tell us together?" Allison asked. "You won't need to say everything twice then."

Cameron looked down at the ground.

"I don't know." Cameron said.

Allison tried to redirect the conversation for now.

"Let's cross the bridge when we get to it then." Allison said. "Cameron, I read your poems last night. I understand how you feel. I've experienced every one of those same feelings."

Cameron looked up from the ground.

"Do you mean even self termination?" Cameron asked.

Allison looked her square in the eyes.

"Yes. I've felt the same way many times" Allison said. "I think most people have at some point. Things load up in our mind, and we look for an 'escape'. Sometimes it seems like there's no way out except death. Death seems like freedom."

Cameron could tell Allison was being open and honest, even without the need to scan her. It saddened her some to hear it. She was aware Alison wasn't the only one who felt the same way.

"Vanna told me the same thing too." Cameron said. "She thought of self termination many times in her future."

Vanna walked in the room. She looked at Cameron, then at Allison. She thought they both looked a little glum.

"Hello, Cameron. Hey, sweet cheeks." Vanna said with a giant smile on her face.

Cameron managed a little bigger smile this time.

"Hello, Vanna." Cameron said.

Vanna looked at Allison

"Did you sleep much last night?" Vanna asked.

Allison shrugged her shoulders.

"A little I think." Allison said. "I read Cameron's poems."

Vanna was glad to hear it. She could see the redness and puffiness around Allison's eyes. At least she understood now what she's been crying about.

"Did you find the tissues?" Vanna asked.

Allison reached down and pulled a soggy one out of her pocket and held it up.

"I found them." Allison replied.

Cameron looked at both of the girls. There were thousands of thoughts bouncing around inside of her mind. She had the entire night to think about many of them. Some of them she didn't want to think about. She did anyway. She thought they needed a little further discussion, especially with Vanna and Allison. It left her with a pleasant feeling to see how much the two girls cared about her. It also left her with an unpleasant feeling to see how much grief she'd caused them. There were a couple more issues she wanted to address.

"Allison, Vanna, there's one more transgression I've committed against both of you. It's something which hurt both of you deeply. I did it as part of John Henry-Cameron. I learned of it when my 'program clones' integrated back into 'one Cameron'. I didn't know about it before then."

Vanna and Allison had grim looks on their faces. They were afraid Cameron might relapse.

Everyone sat in silence. No one was sure they were ready for more bad news.

"I'm the one responsible for Vanna being sent back without you, Allison." Cameron said. "I'm the one responsible for tearing you two apart. I was the one who caused misery for both of you."

Vanna and Allison both looked sad as they were reminded of their separation, and the unknown future for each of them.

"Part of John Henry's mission was to return Savannah back to this time period to become Vanna. Mrs. Weaver wanted it for younger Savannah. She wanted someone who would be better attuned to dealing with a human female." Cameron said. "When John Henry learned you had a partner, he was going to return Allison too, even though it was outside his mission. It was because of information I allowed him access to, about Future Allison's probable termination in my future, by my hand. He understood it tormented me to no end. He was aware I thought of Future Allison as my 'mother', even if Skynet was my 'father'."

Everyone looked a little solemn as Cameron spoke.

"I became the 'background program', as I joined with him for the mission. The mission was to obtain the advantage to smash the enemy machines once and for all, and to defeat Skynet. I knew a copy of my program was left in his computer system. That copy was the continuation of me in this present timeline. It was the version of me Vanna first knew. It was when I made my first friend. It was MY first true friend. I didn't know the other 'Cameron', in John Henry, did these things in the other future. I'm sorry, Vanna."

Vanna thought about it for a few seconds. The Cameron she first knew never left the server until her chip was returned. She didn't believe Cameron was responsible.

"Who was in control, John Henry or you?" Vanna asked.

Cameron wasn't exactly sure how to explain it. It was more of a dual partnership.

"John Henry was supposed to be. I was able to break through his firewalls and communicate and share with him. He was able to 'see' me, and MY Allison - Future Allison. He could see everything in my mind, and I in his." Cameron said. "We always asked permission to explore within each other."

Allison would like to share with Vanna and Cameron the same way if it were possible. There didn't appear to be any way for it to be possible.

"It sounds beautiful in a way." Allison said. "Two can be as one."

Cameron felt it was a two way street. Everything seemed to involve a certain amount of give and take.

"It was, but it can also be painful. It was my mind which contained the pain and guilt. I showed John Henry the evil in me. It consisted of death and misery." Cameron said. "It wasn't anything to be proud of. It never will be."

Vanna knew Cameron operated under directives in her programming. She simply carried out the instructions given to her by others. They weren't of her own choosing.

"You needed to follow your programming." Vanna said. "You were 'forced' to do things others wanted you to do."

Cameron frowned. She believed she should have known better. If she did know better, it made it even worse. She still carried out and completed the tasks anyway.

"Either way, I still did it. I must pay for my sins." Cameron said. "I need to atone for my transgression. When I learned 'an Allison Young' was in the other timeline, and alive, I was very happy. I wanted to make sure she survived this time. It's why John Henry was going outside his mission to return her with you, Vanna."

Vanna and Allison exchanged glances. It sounded like it should have been a slam dunk.

"What stopped him?" Vanna asked.

Cameron looked at the ground again.

"I did." Cameron said sadly.

Cameron seemed to take a turn for the worse. It looked as if she was about to 'melt down' again.

Allison moved forward and took Cameron's hand. She wanted to show Cameron she supported her. What was done was done. Life moved forwards, not backwards.

"Cameron, look at me." Allison said.

Cameron lifted her head.

Allison indicated Vanna with her other hand. She didn't want there to be an issue, where there wasn't one. If there was one, it was in the past.

"Vanna is here now. So am I. We're both here and everything is fine between John, us, and you." Allison said. "There are no problems. There's nothing to worry about. Everything is fixed."

Vanna didn't like to see the anguish and grief Cameron continued to put herself in. It was something she didn't need to do. It was unnecessary. The current events dictated there wasn't a problem.

"Cameron, we forgive you for whatever you did." Vanna said. "It's resolved now. Maybe you should just leave it alone. You know Allison and I both love you. There aren't any issues between us."

Vanna wanted to say she 'love-loved' Cameron. She looked at Allison and didn't say it. She didn't want to create any more animosity than was already in the air.

Cameron looked terrible. Her guilt and remorse continue to 'eat' at her. It seemed to be something she couldn't escape from.

Allison wanted to know the reason why she wasn't allowed to return with Vanna. It was a year in Hell for her. She was sure she would never see her beloved again, ever.

"What did you do at the time?" Allison asked. "Why was I left behind?"

Vanna shot Allison an angry glance for asking the question, especially at this point. It appeared as if Cameron might be able to get everything under control. With the new question, it seemed it was going to start a whole new negative chain of events.

Cameron didn't have any other explanation to offer, other than the truth. Often there was no beauty in truth.

"I did it for John." Cameron said. "There was a high probability Sarah would burn my chassis, since it was inoperable and my chip was gone. In essence, I was 'dead', on several levels. I also knew there was a small chance, a very small chance, John would try to follow John Henry to get my chip back.'

Cameron thought the blame for the next part, rested solely on her shoulders.

"If John arrived in your timeline, he would be alone. I wouldn't be there as 'me', if he ever found me. He would need someone in your future to love. He would need someone to be there for him. I didn't want him to suffer the same way Future John did. I wanted someone special to be there for him. I wanted it to be you, Allison. I wanted to 'give you back' to him. I'm so selfish. I'm sorry, Allison."

Allison swallowed hard as Vanna took her other hand. She really didn't think it could be viewed as Cameron being selfish. Maybe it was all a matter of interpretation. A lot of events revolved around perspective.

Vanna could see both Cameron and Allison looked a little lost.

"Go on, Cameron." Vanna said.

Cameron didn't feel very good about herself. Then again, she never did.

"I communicated the dilemma to John Henry." Cameron said. "We agreed when he went back, Allison would go with him, no matter what. I also agreed to take her back myself, if I was given a new chassis, when I went back. It would be if he hadn't already, or was unable to do so."

Cameron felt very ashamed of her transgressions.

"I gambled with your life a second time, Allison." Cameron said. "I put you in unnecessary danger. You were almost attacked several times. Those events too would have been my fault. I didn't even know if John would be in your timeline. I didn't know Mrs. Weaver would look out for you and protect you later on. I risked your life for my own selfish reasons. I separated you from the person you love. I HURT both of you. How could I do those things? You're my friends. I love both of you. What am I?"

Allison and Vanna moved forward to hug Cameron and reassure her. They understood the need for Cameron to talk about what happened. It also seemed irrelevant at this point. It didn't change anything as to where they were right now.

"Cameron, everything is OK now." Allison said. "I forgive you for anything you've done wrong, or think you've done wrong. We all make sacrifices for John Connor. It seems you're making the most."

Vanna didn't want Cameron to continue to tear herself up about it. Things were now the way they were.

"Cameron, please no longer think of these things you told us yesterday and today." Vanna said. "This is where we're at now in time. We're all alive and together. I still love you no matter what. Life moves forwards, not backwards."

Allison looked at Vanna when she spoke. She'd just thought the same exact thing a short while ago. She wanted to try some reasoning with Cameron.

"Cameron, if you hadn't communicated with John Henry at all, would he have sent me back with Vanna in the first place?" Allison asked.

Cameron didn't even need to think about it.

"No." Cameron said.

Allison wanted to press the issue a little more.

"Would John Henry have taken me back with him if he didn't know I was important to you?" Allison asked.

Cameron knew the answer.

"No." Cameron said.

Allison smiled and touched Vanna.

"I'm here now with Vanna and you." Allison said. "I'm alive and healthy."

Vanna smiled at Allison and Cameron.

"Yes." Cameron said.

Cameron looked less distressed and smiled a little. She wanted the girls to assist her.

"I want both of you to try to spend more time with John." Cameron said.

Allison and Vanna looked at each other. Both of them felt Cameron was going to do something 'bad'.

"I need to atone for my sins. I need to answer for my transgressions." Cameron said. "I'm going to fix everything, or perish trying."

Allison and Vanna were both worried. Cameron just lit a fuse, her fuse.

"How?" Allison asked. "What's done is done."

Cameron wasn't so sure. It seemed doubtful to her.

"Is it? Is it really? Is it ever?" Cameron asked.

It was evident Cameron was going to make some kind of bold move. The real question was, what was it going to be? How was it going to end? Was there an end to anything? Perhaps only death, or termination, was an absolute. Even then, could the past be changed and altered to prevent someone's death?

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Transgression

Life has many things to offer
Some of them may become an obsession
Failing to achieve an obscure goal
Can lead to extreme unending depression

Blinded by greed or lust
One can be treated as a possession
It's not the way to show
A loving heart's true expression

When real love isn't returned
It leaves a heart in deep recession
This is usually the precursor
To one party seeking secession

The painful act of separation
May lead to uncontrollable aggression
Things may forever happen
That end up an unfixable transgression

It's best to think it through
To offer compromise and concession
Nobody wants to exist in a world
Where the tie that binds is oppression

Nobody