Chapter 71

Drifting

John wanted to be alone with Cameron, just to spend time with her. He wanted to be like a 'real couple'. He wanted to be like 'normal' people. He knew they were anything but 'normal', but the idea would be nice. He wanted it to be a man and a 'woman' alone together, where they could enjoy the company of each other. He was afraid they couldn't do it. The life they lived seemed to be an impediment to it. It seemed to be an impediment to a lot of things.

What was the life they lived? Where did it start? Where did it end? Was their life really dictated by Skynet? He really wondered what kind of a life they would ever have. It didn't look promising. Not much of anything actually looked promising.

He was aware Cameron was able to operate at a level far above him. She also never needed to sleep. He knew he wasn't Cameron's equal in any way. In fact, there were times he wondered what Cameron even saw in him. How could he be worthy of her? He wondered if she really loved him, or only 'loved' him because he was 'Future John'. He would be one day, if he survived. What if he never became the man she wanted him to be?

It was a scary thought to John. If he never measured up to Future John, would Cameron still want him? Whenever he asked about Future John, Cameron would never say much of anything. All Cameron would admit to was she loved Future John. She would never talk about anything else, or anything personal. She told him she'd only ever kissed and touched John Connor. He knew he was Future John, so did it mean his future self too? He wanted to be jealous, but how was one supposed to be jealous of 'themselves'? Future John did send Cameron to him, which was actually back to 'himself'.

John was sure there was more to the story. He wondered if he would ever find out the truth. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered if he really wanted to know. Cameron did make it clear Future John experienced a lot of problems. Did Future John send Cameron back to prevent him from having, or developing, those same problems?

There was something his mother said once which bothered him. She was angry and asked John if he ever wondered why Future John sent Cameron away. He found out later on, she asked Cameron the same thing. Was it because she was a 'problem' in the future? Did she try to 'take over'? He saw the influence she commanded over others, both human and Terminator alike. It was all personal loyalty.

Maybe it was the 'Metal haters'. Maybe Future John needed to send Cameron away to protect her from them. They followed her to the past anyway. Maybe he sent Cameron away to protect himself from her. Maybe she'd gone 'bad' before and she may not know. She told him much of her life from the future was erased. What did Future John take away from her? Why did he do it? How do you erase someone's life? Why would you take away their most precious memories and experiences? Those were the 'memories' people needed to fall back on when things got rough. If there's nothing there, then the mind feeds on itself. It can never help anything.

What if it was actually Cameron who sent herself back? It was exactly what she did after she rescued Future Allison. Maybe the story she told wasn't the whole story. There was no way to verify any of the things which happened in her future. Everyone from her future was dead. Derek hadn't told him too many things about Cameron, other than she couldn't be trusted. He wondered if Derek felt otherwise after Cameron rescued him. He never said.

There was one person he would like to speak with again. With both Derek and Riley out of the picture, He would like to have another long discussion with Jesse. He was unsure if she was still actually alive or not. It was possible if Derek didn't kill her. Cameron could have tracked her down, and then terminated herself. It seemed everyone wanted to play their own game. He really wasn't sure if he would ever receive the whole truth from anyone. He was pretty sure if someone asked him to tell the truth about everything, there were a few things he would 'forget'.

Did anyone want to be completely open and honest about everything in their life? He didn't think so. Maybe there were some things they wanted to hide. Maybe there were some things they were just ashamed of. It was probably some of each.

Vanna and Allison tried to carry on as if nothing happened, well, almost happened. It was still at the very forefront of their minds. They both knew they were willing to cross the line to share with John. It wouldn't have been just sex either. It would have been love.

Allison actually hoped Vanna would be able to share her love with John. She was aware of Vanna's intense dislike, if not outright hatred, for males. It was because of all the abuse done to her growing up. She really hoped Vanna would be able to share with John, and put some of the 'baggage' behind her.

She experienced enough abuse on her own, but it was nothing like what Vanna needed to endure. In the future she came from, she found it best to avoid males whenever possible, especially in any type of non-public setting.

They both felt a lot of disappointment about what didn't happen. They were both very pleased however, because Cameron was back. Life went on.

John knew even though they left instructions not to be shadowed, his instructions would most likely be disregarded. He wondered who would pop up and when. He knew they would be worried about him and want to better protect him and Cameron.

It still seemed everyone else put a greater value on his life than he did. What could they all see he couldn't? No really, what was it?

John never wanted to see people die for him. It was something Derek indicated which happened in the future. It didn't leave him with a good feeling. He'd already watched several people die for him. It was all Skynet related. What happened to Charlie always bothered him. Charlie bought him time to get away. He made it, and Charlie didn't. It was never anything good to think about.

It was what 'happened' in his room the night Cameron came back that still ate away at him. He figured it must really be eating away at Cameron. It was time to own up to everything. Since nothing actually happened, it should be no big deal in reality. How do you get upset at something which never happened? To 'think' something, wasn't the same as to do it. If anyone thought it was, it was their hang up, not his.

"Cameron, I want to say again how sorry I am because I thought you were Allison, even if I thought of you, while I thought you were Allison."

Cameron knew how much effort she went through to line everything up with the girls. She was actually surprised none of them acted earlier. She was as irritated by their inaction, as she was by their near action.

"John, it's what I wanted." Cameron said. "IT is what I want. I'm the one who orchestrated it in the first place. I set everything in motion because I didn't think I was going to come back. I was gone for many months longer than I intended. It was understandable everyone thought I was terminated. None of the things I planned with John Henry worked. I would have made the same determination based on the facts. As it was, I returned one night too early."

Cameron was still upset with herself for preventing John and Allison from mating, and the possibility to have a child. It would have been the child she could never provide John with. She knew how important it was to Future John. She 'fixed' the problem for HIM. She gave him back Future Allison.

John wanted what almost happened to 'go away'. Nothing actually happened, so it shouldn't be a problem, even if it was.

"You're back now. I really want to forget the whole episode." John said. "Can we just drop it?"

The specter of Jesse and Riley raised her concern about the anti-Metal faction of the Resistance. They were a threat in the future and apparently in the past as well. They represented an ongoing threat to the present.

"Yes, but I still feel I need to allow you to fulfill your 'destiny'. It's the destiny of MY future and YOUR future, John." Cameron said. "I still want you to be with the girls. It is possible it may prevent you from being assassinated in the future, or me being terminated, if you're with human females. You must do it for your survival. It's really quite simple."

Cameron thought she could share with Allison and Vanna as well as John. They all loved each other. What was the big deal?

John was still 'hung up' about what he did, well, almost did.

"Cameron, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I already feel bad enough as it is. I'm sorry I thought you were Allison. I felt even worse thinking it was Allison, and then thinking it was YOU who I was touching in my mind."

John knew he was doing a disservice to both of them by such behavior. The transposition aspect of it bothered him too.

Cameron didn't like John to dwell on the issue. She didn't want him to dwell on it. Now it made her think more about it. She sat in silence for a while as she contemplated everything. There was an issue which was in her mind. The words blurted out of her mouth, even if she didn't want them to.

"Did you think 'it' would be 'different'?" Cameron asked.

John swallowed hard.

'Here it comes.' John thought.

"Yes." John said honestly. "I did think it would be different."

It wasn't really what Cameron wanted to hear. She didn't want to be compared to a human female. Humans, like all animals, were predetermined by nature to reproduce. She was programmed to act and respond like a human female. She knew it wasn't the same thing. Even when she spied on Vanna and Allison, she could see their responses to the same things were different. They weren't always the same either. She spied on plenty of humans in her future when they shared with each other. She was sure it was a category she would fall short in, when compared to a real female.

"Did you think it would be better or worse?" Cameron asked worriedly.

John really didn't know what to expect. He wasn't sure if it would be something which physically felt different, or if it would be the emotional response and interaction. He was pretty sure it would be the latter.

"I don't know. I just thought something would be different." John said honestly. "I know everyone is different. I don't think Allison, and Future Allison, would respond in exactly the same way to the same exact thing."

John was waiting for Cameron to ask him about Riley. They were different. Luckily Cameron didn't go there, at least not yet. He was sure it would become a source of contention almost immediately.

Cameron wanted John to be happy and have a choice. She wanted to know too. She really wondered how synthetic sheath material stacked up to soft human flesh, especially where it became 'personal'. She knew the pigmentation varied in depth on human females. Her observations of Vanna and Allison clearly showed they different in every detail. She wanted John to have the best.

"You can still 'compare' if you want to. I'll allow you to choose. I want you to choose as long as it's Allison or Vanna, or both of them. I want it to be both of them. I'll allow it. I insist." Cameron said. "I want to know how I compare to Allison. You will tell me what's the 'same', and what's 'different'. I want to know."

John could only see the conversation getting worse. Nothing would change, only more hard feelings would be created. He wanted to try to nip things in the bud, before they became out of control.

"Cameron, I don't want to talk about THIS." John said.

Now that the idea of comparison was in Cameron's mind, she didn't want to let it go. She wanted to know where she stood. Maybe she should have responded to some of Future Allison's advances. She would have been able to observe how everything responded, as compared to Future Allison. She could have compared everything side by side. She believed it was something Future Allison wanted to do as well.

"Did you wonder if Vanna would be different from Allison?" Cameron asked. "Just because they're both 'real', doesn't mean they're the same. Maybe they're better than me, maybe they're not. I want to know. I want you to tell me."

Cameron really did want to know how everything compared. How else could she know where she stood when human females were involved? She would still have a lot of control if Allison and Vanna were involved with John.

John could tell the conversation was going nowhere fast. It was time to put his foot down.

"STOP this." John said. "Cameron, this isn't something I want to discuss."

Cameron was afraid she wouldn't measure up to a human female in bed. Their responses were more emotionally driven.

"John, I want to watch you with Allison to see how I'm supposed to 'act' and respond. I want to learn to make love to you better." Cameron said. "I want to know what I need to do differently to better please you. It can be a learning and educational process for both of us. It should also prove to be quite pleasurable for you. I want to be able to do what pleases you."

John wanted to hold his hands over his ears.

"STOP this." John said. "STOP IT. Please."

Cameron wished she would have stayed to see what Future Allison and Future John did. She thought about going back to check. It was only the FEAR of going into standby again which kept her from doing it. She never wanted to experience those nightmares again.

Even as she tried not to think about them, she did. She still wanted to know where they originated from.

Cameron was confused. She was angry and happy, both at the same time. John thought he'd been with another woman, while thinking it was HER. She was happy he hadn't been, even though he thought he was, and it was her in his mind. Maybe it didn't really matter. It was still her who was the one there. It wasn't anyone else.

There was another troubling issue. What was the Liquid Metal 'thing' anyway? What happened there? John thought something happened, but said it didn't actually happen. What did it do to him? The more she thought of it, the more she thought it did what he WANTED. At least it took her form, not Riley's. It was some consolation.

What about the new 'Metal Bitch Whore'? What was her story? Cameron saw her as a threat. It was the same threat Riley was. It took all she could do, to not hunt Riley down and terminate her in the future. She thought about it. She wanted to do it. It would have changed what happened in the future she left behind. She didn't want to do anything to inadvertently change it.

She was saving one girl's life, while thinking of taking another's life…. What kind of a person does that? She remembered she was a Terminator, not a person. A person was real. She wasn't.

Where was Riley at from the other future they went to? Cameron wouldn't put it past Mrs. Weaver to find her and send her back. She wondered if she would do it for nothing else other than to frustrate her. She didn't think Mrs. Weaver knew of Riley, but she would put nothing past her. They were probably a lot of things Mrs. Weaver knew, which she wouldn't admit to.

Speaking of Mrs. Weaver, John told her about the one encounter with a 'nude Allison' in his bed. It turned out later the 'nude Allison' wasn't Allison. Cameron asked Allison about it after John told her. She detected no deception on Allison's part, it was NOT Allison. Cameron KNEW it was Mrs. Weaver. Mrs. Weaver tried to 'get' her John. She hated all Liquid Metal Terminators even more now than before.

John was very irritated at the subject of the discussion. He wanted to concentrate on them, where they were now.

"Where would you like to go next?" John asked.

There was no response.

John could see Cameron was lost in her mind somewhere. It was never good.

"...Cameron, CAMERON, Earth to CAMERON..." John said.

He didn't think Cameron heard him. He snapped his fingers several times next to the side of her head.

Cameron blinked her eyes and looked around, John was talking to her. She'd drifted off. She wondered if this was what it was like to 'get away from it all'.

"Yes?" Cameron asked.

John asked Cameron again once he got her attention.

"I asked you where you wanted to go next." John said.

Cameron didn't care. She wanted to spend time with John.

"Wherever you go, John, I'll follow." Cameron said.

John thought it was exactly what she'd done. She followed him into the alternate future to find him.

"Do you promise?" John asked.

Cameron smiled at John.

"I promise." Cameron said.

John thought he wanted to run as fast as he could with Cameron, until he couldn't move anymore, and never look back. It would be their opportunity to get away from it all.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Drifting

Life is full of surprises
People come and people go
Who they actually are
We may never really know

We are spun in all directions
We don't know where to turn
Who will help us move forward
Who will leave us to burn

The tide of life is endless
Will we be pulled under and drown
Or left to wonder in bewilderment
At what was just experienced go down

We may have it all before us
As we think we hit the jackpot
The joke is really on us
As others view us as a crackpot

Like sand through the hourglass
Through it all we keep sifting
Even with the one we want
We can find ourselves drifting

Nobody