Chapter 113

Pain

River missed her brother and wanted to get home. She didn't want to be in the past for nine months for what Cameron 'wanted' her to do. She considered the possibility if they could make the TDE receive, as well as broadcast, she might think about it from her ship, in the future and with HER Family.

She worked with John Henry on his latest calculations. She made some more suggestions for the TDE. The suggestions would greatly improve its function and capability. With the design changes she proposed, the TDE would become a vastly superior machine.

If River could make the TDE receive, they should be able to send an energy bubble to a specific location and time, and then pull it back. If someone were to enter the energy bubble at the time, they would return with it. It would offer greater flexibility in its operation. She didn't think the technology existed in this time period. She knew it did in hers.

River wanted to go home. Being with Cameron in the past was an experience she never dreamed of or imagined. Things were so different here. It was a different timeline. Even though many things were the same, there was much which was different.

Skynet didn't exist in her timeline. Other events which seemed just as bad did. She was very disturbed by what Vanna and Jesse told her about Scavengers. They reminded her of such people from her timeline. Those people were even more extreme and violent. They always killed everyone in the end.

It made her wonder if some of the chemical and biological warfare used by Skynet, didn't affect the people who became Scavengers in much the same way the government from her time period caused a similar type behavioral change in the violent group there. There seemed to be a strong parallel, even if the circumstances were different. It didn't matter if it was other humans, or in advanced AI which caused the problem. A problem was still caused, and people still suffered.

Earlier:

River waited until Cameron left. She went to look under her pillow at what Cameron left for her. She knew from the moment Cameron walked in what she was going to do with the poem book.

River picked up the poem book and looked at the cover.

MY STORY

(Art Of The Mind)

By

NOBODY

River knew Cameron was going to put it there for her to look at. She knew why.

Cameron opened up 'everything' about herself to River. She thought it was a short but eventful life. She brought the box of tissues to her bedside and started to read. She felt every poem as Cameron did at the moment she'd created each one. She could feel the terrible pain Cameron felt at several levels and for various reasons. It was clear more than one thing troubled Cameron.

River cried herself to sleep….

River felt uneasy the next morning when she woke up. Cameron's troubled poems echoed in her mind. Maybe it was actually Cameron's troubled mind which echoed in her mind. It's what it was in reality.

She knew what Cameron wanted for her, and for her to do. She wanted to go home. She did know it meant so much to Cameron, but she wasn't ready for such a step in her life yet. She knew she needed to make Cameron understand, not just tell her 'no'. She was a person too and Cameron needed to understand and respect it.

"Cameron, I know what you want. I know what you want me to do. I can't do it." River said. "I'm not ready for 'that'. Please don't MAKE me…."

River knew the physical aspects. It was a biological function. It was the mental and emotional implications which worried her. She knew it would take a toll on Cameron. In fact she knew it about Cameron better than Cameron did.

Cameron didn't think things were going to play out as she anticipated. She knew it was a long shot. She still needed to try it anyway. She gambled and she lost.

"I understand." Cameron said.

Cameron looked defeated. She'd banked on River to assist her. Even though she was disappointed, she was very aware River was different from the other human females in many ways.

River didn't believe all was lost for Cameron. While she didn't open up a new door for Cameron, she knew all of the other doors weren't closed. There were still multiple possibilities. She decided not to mention all of them. She knew there was one person in Cameron's corner no matter what happened going forward.

"Can't Allison, Vanna or Jesse help you?" River asked. "I know Savannah will soon enough. You need to give her more time. You need to respect her and not push her."

River could tell what Savannah thought about all of it. Her desire to fulfill the promises Cameron made her make were very important to her. It would be her way to express her true love to Cameron, even at her own personal and physical expense. It was true on several levels because Savannah was exactly like Vanna in what her personal desires would be for a relationship.

Cameron was very frustrated by it all.

"John won't 'do it' before my termination…." Cameron said. "As long as I exist, John won't accept his destiny. He won't embrace the future and move his life forward."

River didn't feel the future was written in stone. She was there for one to prove it wasn't. The people from the alternate future were there also. They were all things which didn't happen in Cameron's future. She could feel Cameron's distress and hopelessness. It was very evident to her how others 'with' John would 'hurt' Cameron. It was true, even if it was what Cameron thought she wanted to happen.

She was very aware of what hurt Cameron in the past. She didn't believe anything changed, even if Cameron attempted to tell herself it did. She knew it didn't. The true test of love was sacrifice. Sometimes such a great sacrifice came with too high of a price. She didn't think Cameron was ready to pay the price, even if she believed she was willing.

"I can't hurt you the same way either." River said. "I KNOW it would hurt you. You KNOW, I KNOW it will hurt you."

Cameron thought of self termination again. There must be a way to escape the frustration. It seemed like the only permanent solution.

River felt Cameron's thoughts on self destruction. She always found them to be quite disturbing whenever she encountered them. They were very prevalent in her time period as well. The fact Cameron could feel them seemed especially more bothersome. She believed the fate of others needed to be considered as well. The depth of hurt and pain would affect others in a very negative way.

"NO! Don't think in such a manner, Cameron." River said. "It isn't the answer. What does it solve or prove? How many people does it hurt? John and Savannah may do the same thing because they love you so much. You'd be responsible for their deaths. Is it what you want?"

It wasn't what Cameron wanted. It seemed the feelings just crept up and overpowered her at times. It gave her a way to escape. It seemed like an easy out. Maybe there was no way out. She felt it was beyond her control.

"It always happens, River. I can't stop it." Cameron said.

River didn't believe it. She felt it was different. She believed it was an 'easy' solution for Cameron. She wanted Cameron to master her own destiny.

"You don't want to stop it." River said. "I know."

Cameron thought about it. She liked the idea because all of her troubles would end along with her existence. She didn't want to seem like a quitter.

"No! I do not." Cameron said.

Everything involved seemed as if it was far from over on many levels to River. Cameron was in too big of a rush. She needed to let things play out. She believed time would take care of everything. Everything would happen in due course.

"We still have time to work on the TDE. Let time write its own chapter." River said and smiled at Cameron.

River touched Cameron's cheek. It always made Cameron feel 'something'. Such a simple physical touch meant so much to her.

Cameron couldn't get enough of River. She didn't care if River could 'read' her. She felt what she felt. She wasn't ashamed of it. It was a natural and organic feeling.

River was very astute as to what those around her thought, especially when they thought about her. She believed each individual wanted something different from her. She did believe it was a little deeper when it involved females. The undertones of love always outweighed the overtones of lust. She wanted Cameron to understand.

"For a machine, you're very 'sexual'." River said. "You seem very willing to explore."

It was the one thing Cameron did remember about being 'Allison'. When she thought she was 'Future Allison', she didn't remember she was a machine. She thought she was a human female. She felt she was 'real'. Even if she believed she was human, at some point the others would find her. They would 'make' her remember who she was, and even worse, what she was. It was always the same. She was a very scary robot from the future, a machine, Nobody.

It was very discouraging to remember the time when she felt happy. She genuinely felt happy. John showed up and ruined it all. He told her she was a machine from the future. Her moment of genuine happiness faded away quickly. How could he take her happiness away from her? He could have left her alone until she remembered who she was on her own.

"I forget I'm a machine sometimes, and then I remember. I always do, I always remember." Cameron said sadly. "It's a reality I can't escape from."

Cameron touched her midsection. She felt worthless.

River felt the deepest sadness and sorrow Cameron felt at being a machine and not a human female. She wanted to redirect Cameron's thoughts. There were more pleasant things for Cameron to think about, than what she wasn't.

"You're still special to me, Cameron." River smiled and told her. "Let's go play with Savannah."

River wanted to get Cameron's mind off of her perceived shortcomings.

River KNEW it's all they were. Cameron's shortcomings were only perceived. Cameron was the greatest in her book. There was simply no other being like her now, or in her future. She believed Cameron should focus more on what she actually was, than what she wasn't or wanted to be.

Sarah and John finished up in the commissary. They passed the recreation room and spotted Cameron and River inside.

Sarah wasn't blind. She knew how females thought. It included both advanced human females, and machines designed to replicate human females in function and persona.

She wanted to warn John not to let things 'get away' from him. She needed to watch out for her son. It was something she'd always done. It was something she would always do. Much of her life had been devoted to him. She believed the future depended upon it.

"Cameron has a new 'best friend'." Sarah said.

John could feel Cameron slipping away from him. He was very frustrated because the things she wanted him to 'do' would pound a deeper wedge between them at some point.

"I've noticed. So has everyone else." John said.

It made him feel very powerless about it all.

Sarah wasn't sure the 'blame' rested on anyone. There were factors in play beyond their control. When it involved individuals from the future, nothing could be viewed as normal in the present. The individuals from the future wouldn't be there under normal circumstances.

"They are two distinct individuals out of their respective 'times'. They have the ability to communicate with each other on a different level." Sarah said. "They operate on a level which is above the rest of us."

John saw it as making someone too perfect. They were no longer what they started out as, even if they wanted to be. Neither Cameron nor River was able to control the destiny others chose for them. Since they were now free of their overlords, their destiny belonged to them. Who was anyone to try to step in and thwart what two unique individuals might want?

"Neither one has a choice." John said. "It's how they are."

Sarah knew life was about choices. Anyone who was born didn't have a choice in the matter. The choice was made for them by others. She didn't believe it was often a choice made consciously either. It was more the result of a biological function.

"No one born has a choice, it happens." Sarah said.

John felt it included someone who was 'constructed'. They didn't have a choice in the matter.

"I know it's true." John said. "I know no one has a choice when they're built either."

It was clear to Sarah what Cameron wanted River to 'do'. It was a lot of pressure to put on a young female. It troubled her even more when Cameron 'leaned' on Savannah. It was clear Savannah loved and worshiped Cameron. She would most likely be pregnant one way, or another, as soon as she was able. She often worried the process would be accelerated.

Sarah didn't feel everyone could be a good mother. She didn't think she was, but she did the best she could. Others could be overwhelmed. She'd even read, and seen on the news, where mothers became overwhelmed. Some of them even killed their own children. She knew there were a lot of issues which occurred in people's minds. She didn't always think everything could be controlled, even if someone wanted to. Things went wrong. things happened. She couldn't help but think about her shortcomings with John.

"I don't know if either one of them can be a good mother, John." Sarah said.

John knew he was still young and inexperienced in many ways. He seldom had a father figure to look up too. Charlie was someone he could see as a father figure. Look where it got him. Charlie died helping him escape. How was his life worth more than Charlie's? It always bothered him greatly when he thought about it. He really wanted Charlie and his mother to get together. He never dreamed there was a version of Kyle Reese out there for his mother.

"I doubt I could be a good father." John added. "I'm not ready."

Sarah knew things could change fast. One day you were single and carefree, the next day your life changed forever, and you were pregnant on top of it. Everything was completely unexpected. She believed humans were very adaptable.

"You'd be surprised at how fast you can get 'ready'." Sarah said as Kyle walked up.

John reflected his mother would know. She needed to be ready when he was born. She was ready too. She did everything she needed to do to make herself ready. It was to protect him as much as it was to honor his father, and the future. His mother did it all on her own.

"Yes." John said. "Some people are able to step up."

John thought maybe he should start LISTENING to Cameron.

He didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to hurt her.

What could it hurt in reality to do what she wanted? They still loved each other.

The thought made John wonder. What if Cameron loved someone else more than him? It could happen. He knew. It happened to him. His association with Riley got her killed. Why did his life matter more than hers? Why did his life matter more than anyone else's? He honestly believed it didn't. It was others who 'made' him into something which he didn't feel he was.

John Henry put their Terminators on a rotating schedule to watch over the young Reese brothers and Young Allison. Cameron and him, along with Derek and Kyle, decided three were enough for the Reese brothers and two for Young Allison. If a mission warranted it, the coverage could drop to two and one for a short time.

Cameron wouldn't allow anything less. She wanted there to always be one Terminator for each of the 'children of the future'.

She really came to fear the younger versions of everyone would end up as targets by Skynet. She tied up a lot of their assets and resources to make sure everyone was protected.

Cameron always felt uneasy when Unit 645 and Unit 710 were around. They were both better 'built' than her. She thought it applied to more than just their physical appearance. They were created as Restorators. She was created as a Terminator. Their physical attributes were still rather prominent. She saw John always noticed and looked. They both reminded her of Riley, but they were both prettier. It made them a bigger threat.

John wanted them to pick names. They said they were assigned designations already. They didn't see the need to change anything. She worked with them and helped them try to pick names. She made sure that they understood John was off limits, even if she was terminated. Unit 645 was reluctant to comply. She asked both units to change their hair color so it was darker. She would work to Resequence their DNA code to make it permanent. They didn't want to change their appearance either. They liked the way they were constructed.

Cameron noticed Unit 645 showed a little too much 'skin'.

"Please button your shirt one more button." Cameron said.

It irritated Unit 645.

"Why?" Unit 645 asked. "This is how I am."

Cameron didn't like the rebuff and challenge. She wanted to try to keep things civil if she could. It was possible events might go to the next level.

"You will comply because I asked you to do it nicely, this time…." Cameron said.

Unit 645 did as asked until Cameron left. Once Cameron was gone, she unbuttoned two buttons and nearly 'popped' out of her blouse. There was quite a bit which needed to be 'contained'.

Riley arrived soon after the minor altercation. She'd passed Cameron on the way. They greeted each other but there was no conversation.

Riley stopped and looked at Unit 645. She could see she was near a 'wardrobe malfunction'.

"That's quite 'a pair' you have there." Riley said as she passed her.

It was impossible not to notice.

"Thanks." Unit 645 said as she smiled.

Unit 645 wasn't sure why she was doing any of this. She only knew she 'needed to'. She was very pleased Riley complimented her. She didn't chastise her like Cameron always did. Who was Cameron to decide how anyone looked anyway?

Cameron spoke with Sarah about something she wanted her to do for her. It involved River.

"Sarah, I know you understand." Cameron said. "You understand the importance of this to John and to me."

Sarah wanted to help, and not hurt anyone. She didn't like to see Cameron distressed. She didn't like to see anyone distressed. She didn't think what Cameron wanted her to do was too different from what other expecting mothers did. She did believe the motivation behind it was different. For most expecting mothers, it was to share the experience. What Cameron wanted was to prompt someone else to act. She wanted to help Cameron. She wanted to help John too.

"I do, Cameron." Sarah said. "I know it hurts you too. I'm sorry. I really am."

Cameron looked at Sarah with sadness in her eyes and heart.

"Everyone sacrifices for John Connor." Cameron said as a tear slid down her cheek.

Sarah called river over.

River sat next to Sarah. She was a little nervous.

Sarah lifted River's hand and moved it toward her belly.

"Go ahead." Sarah said.

River touched Sarah's belly. She could feel the life inside. It felt so warm, comfortable and peaceful.

River thought how beautiful it was….

How beautiful it could be….

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Pain

Pain can come in many forms
It may be imagined or real
It can happen in the body or mind
Damage or trauma to either we can feel

Physical damage may often heal
The actual pain fades with time in the mind
It seems the damaged to a mind itself
Is more difficult to heal and leave behind

Some seek physical pain
To know and feel they are alive
What in their mind do they deprive
What madness do they contrive

Mental pain can happen
Without any physical touch
It seems to happen from within
It can scar and hurt so much

It has often been said
There's no gain without pain
When is it better to refrain
To prevent damage to the brain

Nobody