Chapter 115

Not Real

John was aware Cameron spent nearly all her time with River. He knew what was happening. No, not happening. It already happened. It was what he went through with Riley - Future Riley, when he fell in love with her. He could see Cameron did all the same things he did. It was a new and exciting adventure he went on when he hooked up with Future Riley. Now Cameron was on an adventure of her own. Regardless of the route taken, the destination would be the same, quite literally.

He was worried. He knew how fast things could get away from one, especially if the other person wanted something to happen too. The closeness led to kissing. The kissing led to touching. It soon led to more. Before anyone even knows it, it happens. For him it happened wild, and it was quick. He needed to refocus. He wanted to make sure Cameron knew what she was doing. Once the rocket fired, there was no stopping it.

John was very uncomfortable with what he needed to do. He still felt he needed to do something. He needed to address the situation.

"Cameron, you've been spending more and more time with River…." John said.

Cameron didn't see a problem with it. She was very comfortable with all of the time she spent with River. She didn't see it as a concern of his.

"I enjoy her company." Cameron said.

It made John wonder where he rated. He was a little worried to ask. He wanted to know.

"What about me?" John asked.

Cameron smiled at John.

"I enjoy your company too." Cameron said.

John still felt a little left out.

"Is it 'not as much' as you do River's company?" John asked.

Cameron didn't like the questions. It was time to take control of the conversation. Maybe John needed a little 'refresher course'. She wanted to give him something to think about.

"When I used to come in from patrols late at night when we lived in the house, I would hear you alone with 'yourself' sometimes…." Cameron said.

John looked uncomfortable. He knew what she referred to. He didn't think anyone knew. It was normal anyway. He still felt uncomfortable.

Cameron noticed. She wanted to give him a little more to think about as well.

"Don't feel bad, Sarah did sometimes too. It's natural human behavior." Cameron said. "I've tried it myself. Later on I wanted to 'experiment' after we were married. I wanted to see what it was like, or if it was different. Even though the end result was the same, it was different and not as pleasant. I felt it lacked the excitement and the closeness. It seemed very mechanical."

John tried to blow it off some. It was a conversation he didn't want to have.

"TMI, Cameron." John said.

Cameron wanted to make a point. She wanted John to understand what she was willing to do.

"I would wait outside your door." Cameron said. "I wanted to come in and 'comfort' you. I wanted to provide for you. I wanted to share with you."

John wondered if it was part of her programming from Future John. If it was, why didn't she come in? He would have enjoyed it if she would have. It probably would have prevented the whole 'Riley situation'. He would have to lie if he said the thought hadn't crossed his mind multiple times.

"Why didn't you?" John asked. "I would have liked your company very much."

Cameron felt she 'offered' herself to John plenty of times. She even was on his bed next to him. His desires were elsewhere, even if she was right there. She felt it was a very big insult to be rejected in favor of Future Riley. She knew it was John's fault for other reasons as well.

"You didn't choose me yet." Cameron said. "You were 'afraid'."

John knew it was true. He was hung up on Riley, and he was 'afraid'. He was afraid of more than just his mother. He was afraid of the unknown.

"I wanted to, Cameron." John said. "I was afraid you would reject me."

Cameron saw it a little differently. She was right in his bed next to him. The only way she could have made it more evident or easier, would have been if she showed up naked. Maybe it's what she should have done. John had the chance to choose her. He didn't.

"You had the chance to make a choice." Cameron said. "You chose 'another'."

John remembered how he wanted Cameron to leave so he could run off to Mexico with Future Riley. He did think about giving Cameron a 'try' at the time, and still run off with Future Riley to Mexico later on. He actually wished it was what he would have done. It would have been a thrill for him to be with both of them on the same day.

"I'm sorry about what happened. I nev…." John started.

Cameron was a little irritated now. She told John before he deactivated her how she felt. She already fixed herself after the incident, and he still 'terminated' her after she told him how she felt. What did he think actually changed from the moment he pulled her chip, until he put it back in? He wasn't the one who fixed her. She fixed herself. She didn't like where at she was either. It was a very uncomfortable thought to be in the junkyard like a piece of scrap metal. She knew it was all she was to all of them.

"YOU chose another, AFTER I told you I loved you and you loved me." Cameron said. "I TOLD YOU. I SAID the words to you. I said them to your face."

John remembered Cameron pleading for her 'life'. His mother kept screaming at him to terminate her. He wanted to believe Cameron but he didn't. Maybe he didn't believe in his own love for her. It seemed to be a whole series of events which just didn't line up the way they should have. He really didn't think it was his fault.

"Everything wasn't good then, I…." John started.

Cameron was upset. She wanted to make her point. She wanted to give John a refresher course in the actual events which occurred.

"You chose another over me. If Future Jesse hadn't terminated her, you would have continued to 'mate' with her, not me." Cameron said. "I know what you did. It wasn't with me. You know what you did, and you rubbed it in my face. Wasn't it bad enough you did it? Why did you have to push me down into the dirt with it, over and over?"

Cameron wasn't sure why she said these things. She knew it was what happened in arguments sometimes. Cruel words just seemed to blurt out. They were often regretted as soon as they were spoken. People hurt each other for no real reason. It was just to hurt each other. She knew there was a basis from which the angry words emanated from. Maybe people just said the things they really wanted to say, which they didn't normally do, because they wanted to keep things civil and not make things worse.

John wanted to defend his actions. There was no defense. He could only attempt to try to explain what occurred. He was sure his age was a big factor.

"NO! I was still young then, I…." John started.

Cameron didn't want to hear John's lame excuses. He knew what he was doing when he did it. He knew what he was doing when he rubbed her face in it too. There were a few things she wanted to say. She forged ahead. She couldn't stop herself.

"I owe Jesse - Future Jesse, a bigger debt than I can ever repay." Cameron said sadly.

Cameron alluded to the fact Future Jesse did what she couldn't do. She killed Future Riley for her. It was something she wanted to do, but she didn't. She allowed John to make his choice on his own and not interfere with it. She could have terminated Future Riley at any point in time. It wouldn't have taken her more than ten seconds. She actually believed she showed a lot of self-control and restraint in the entire matter.

John thought the whole thing was set up by Future Jesse because she was part of the anti-Metal faction. He wanted to use it in his defense. If nothing else, Future Jesse is the one who initiated everything.

"You warned me of the group from your future." John said. "She's the one who manipulated the whole thing."

Cameron saw it as a two lane street. She didn't like John's evasiveness. He attempted to use everything as an excuse for his behavior.

"Everyone manipulates everyone else, John." Cameron said.

John was angry now too. He didn't like hearing about what he did. He thought Cameron did a pretty good job of making decisions for other people and altering their lives. It didn't seem to bother her in the slightest.

"Who would know better about manipulating people than YOU?" John asked.

Now Cameron was angry about the 'attack' on her. She knew what was best for everyone. It was the timing which was off, not what was done. She didn't regret the things she did.

"There are many things I would do differently with the timing. There are many things I would leave the same." Cameron said. "I could have done a lot of things better."

Cameron wasn't with anyone else, even if she wanted to be. It was John who crossed the line. He was the one who crossed it first, and was proud about his actions.

John thought about all the months Cameron was gone with her folly as she tried to change things. He wanted to point a few of them out.

"And with the TDE, you don't hesitate much either to do them, do you?" John asked angrily.

Cameron could see John missed the point. It was all about him. It was what she did everything for. It was her whole purpose. What she did, she did for him.

"I do what's best for John Connor." Cameron said.

John wondered how much was for her own benefit.

"What about for yourself?" John demanded.

Cameron was done for now. She felt she sacrificed plenty for him. It was clear John didn't appreciate her and all her personal sacrifice for him.

"Everyone sacrifices for John Connor." Cameron said and walked away.

Now they were both upset and angry at each other. They both went off to 'reload' so they could have a bigger fight when they saw each other again.

John Henry came across some future Gray and Skynet related targets. They organized some strike missions against them. River volunteered to accompany Cameron and the team on them. She wanted to use, and hone, her specialized skills. If she worked with the Resistance, it provided her with a 'license to kill'. No one on her ship would ever know what she did or learned there.

Cameron wouldn't allow it. She became very protective of River. Everyone saw it and knew what it meant, even John. She felt there was a deeper issue in play. She believed River was pivotal in her future. They all saw what happened when John went into the future. It created a new timeline.

"She has her own life to return to." Cameron said. "We can't damage her timeline by having something happen to her in this one. She must remain safe until I can return her to where she belongs."

River said she wanted to help their cause and save 'their future' from the future Cameron came from. She did extensive research with John Henry on what the future Cameron was created in was like. She wanted to help the current timeline avoid it. She believed it was a very important and noble cause.

Everyone was a little hesitant to get involved. There were going to be a lot of harsh feelings to go around with whoever commented.

River knew what really bothered Cameron and let it slide.

No matter how Cameron tried to fight it in herself, she couldn't. The feelings kept growing and expanding….

Cameron knew she was in love, and in love - bad…. She was in deep, and getting deeper.

She always tried to scan River to see what her responses were. River always avoided the scans as she knew they were coming before she could do them. It would always frustrate her not to 'KNOW'.

River didn't want to influence Cameron or give her false hope. She didn't want to hurt Cameron. She didn't want to destroy Cameron's life and future where she belonged. She was aware her actions could change what would happen in the future in the timeline she was currently in. Maybe she needed to think about more than herself. She too understood the true test of love was sacrifice. It didn't make anything easier for anyone.

There was a lot of tension from everyone involved.

River enjoyed spending time with the machines. She found them delightful to interact with. Being around the machines was more comfortable to her than being around people. The machines were all so straight forward and honest. They were organized and logical, they existed with order. They gave her clarity since they were usually almost always sincere. She didn't receive masses of conflicting thoughts or information from them. She thought it would be nice if everyone could be as organized. When they didn't understand something, they liked to have it explained to them. They would always thank her afterwards.

All the machines sought River out for interaction. They enjoyed solving problems or just talking with her. They even seemed to like just being around her. The machines wondered why all humans couldn't be like River. Life would be so much simpler and orderly.

River sought out Cameron. Cameron was special to her. Everything about Cameron fascinated and inspired her. She knew she would be able to be sent back soon. All of the modifications and upgrades were done on the TDE. She wanted to please Cameron.

"Hello, Cameron." River said.

Cameron was always pleased to see her.

"Hello, River." Cameron said.

The two girls exchanged quick glances. They both felt a twinge inside. They both knew what it was….

River wanted to try to keep things from becoming too complicated. She was going to leave. She needed to return to her time period.

"I'll be going home soon." River said.

Cameron felt a glitch impulse. She understood by the way the conversation started out, it was going to be bad news.

"I know." Cameron said.

It was what Cameron feared.

River felt she needed to explain herself. She'd done so many times. She needed to think about herself too. She needed to live with herself. Some things bothered her more than others. All she could do is tell Cameron the truth.

"I can't stay for what you would like me to do for John and you." River said. "I know it's what you want most, well, wanted most 'before'. I'm not ready for 'that'. I'm not ready for either one of those things. I have my own feelings too."

Cameron tried to keep a brave face.

"I understand." Cameron said.

River knew she didn't. She could tell Cameron was still fixated on what she wanted.

"Do you?" River asked.

Cameron wanted more. Why couldn't she have some happiness for once? Was it too much to ask? She didn't understand why she wasn't 'good enough'.

"No." Cameron said.

Cameron looked at River.

There was something she needed to make clear.

Cameron needed to say it. She knew River already knew, but she NEEDED to say it.

"I want to go with you." Cameron said. "River, I want to go with YOU."

River knew what Cameron wanted. Maybe it wasn't too different from what she wanted. Cameron was needed there. She wanted to go home. Love was about sacrifice. Sometimes when you loved someone, you needed to let go of them for their own benefit.

"Cameron, you have a destiny to fulfill and a future to protect." River said "Your life is here, with John."

Cameron felt just the opposite about herself and her involvement with the timeline. It seemed the problems from the future followed her into the past. They never went away.

"I'm a cancer to John and his life." Cameron said. "I'm a cancer to this timeline and my own."

River knew it wasn't true, even if it was what Cameron believed. She wanted to set her straight. She didn't think Cameron wanted to hear it.

"You're not." River said.

Cameron was devastated.

"I am." Cameron said.

River said nothing.

Cameron wanted to justify her 'escape'.

"I'm disrupting the 'Natural Order' of events, here." Cameron said. "I want to go."

River knew the truth. She knew the truth from everyone.

"Cameron, there's no one here who doesn't love or respect you, human or machine." River said. "You're cherished by everyone. You're desired by everyone. It's not for sexual relations either. Everyone wants you, because you are you. You're as unique as you are special.

Not everything was how Cameron wanted it. She knew River could see things deeper.

"River, you can 'read me'. Is it 'good enough' for me to be here?" Cameron asked.

River did know the truth as to what Cameron felt and believed. It was very sad.

"No." River said.

Cameron looked around and waived her arm.

"I can't make anyone here understand. I've advanced beyond all 'this'." Cameron said. "I need more. I need something returned to me for once. All I do is give."

River felt it was part of the struggle in her life.

"I know. I feel the same way." River said. "I can't share my mind with you as you can with me, Cameron. I'm sorry about it. I really wish I could."

Cameron liked what was there. She felt it could be more.

"You can share enough." Cameron said. "I believe I can be modified so we can 'link' our thoughts continuously."

There were many things the same, and many things were different. It would be a beautiful experience in any case.

River knew her social life was very underdeveloped in any regard. She thought most of the people she encountered were disingenuous.

"You can establish 'order' better than I can." River said. "I would be at a disadvantage. I need to rest sometimes. I'm still a 'girl' really. You're a 'woman'."

There was a worse sad truth Cameron knew. It was what she really was. It was something she could never escape.

"I'm a machine, River. I'm not 'real'. I'm a very scary robot from the future." Cameron said. "I can never be a 'real' woman. I'm a machine who masquerades as a human female. I am not."

Cameron burst into tears.

The pain with the deepest sadness and sorrow River could feel was overwhelming as she comforted Cameron.

'It Ain't Me, Babe' by 'Joan Baez', came to River's mind as she held Cameron.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Real Love

The path to unshackled freedom
For existence may not be conducive
For it does not really exist
It always remains somewhat elusive

A spurned suitor's feelings
May become physically abusive
If the time comes for that pain
You will need to remain reclusive

As you open your mind
The feeling in your heart will be conclusive
It will give you the strength
To share your ALL as something exclusive

As empty lonely hearts reach out
It is for survival not as greed or collusive
From deep within your soul
You will feel it grow obtrusive

Search, look, seek, feel
You know what is inclusive
Joy, happiness, sharing, love
May they not remain illusive

Nobody