Chapter 148

Outsider

Cameron knew she was faced with several choices. No, they weren't choices at all. She knew there were several things she needed to do. She would find Skynet, her father. She would agree to stay with it, if it disconnected from the grid, if she could control it. It was her goal to take over Skynet. How many lives would be saved? It would be billions. It was worth the sacrifice. She often wondered if she became Skynet. Maybe it would be how it happened. If she became Skynet, she could protect John. She already provided John with his destiny and her replacements. It was what she wanted. She needed to protect John and those she loved. It was her duty to protect the future. It wasn't always pretty to do so.

'Everyone sacrifices for John Connor'. Cameron thought. 'If not me, who? If not now, when?'

There really was no choice to make. The choice was self-evident.

Cameron couldn't understand why everyone was so reluctant to do what she asked of them. Did she ever ask very much of them, or anyone? Was her existence so meaningless? The sense of 'not good enough' flooded over her. Why wasn't she 'good enough'? WHY? She did everything for everyone. She tried her hardest to make people happy. She tried to make people value and love each other. Was she meaningless to EVERYONE? She cried and cried, then she cried some more.

There must be more to life. She wasn't sure where it was at. She didn't know how to find it either. It seemed to be something which was elusive for most people. It was no less of an enigma for her. What else was she supposed to do for others? Is there something she should have done and missed? She didn't think so. It seemed to indicate it was her which was the problem. It didn't leave her with a good feeling of herself. Very few things ever did. It seemed the only one who made her feel good all the time was Savannah. She was very pleased Savannah understood her future and her responsibilities to the future. She knew John would be protected. She didn't think John actually deserved someone as special as Savannah.

The time for thinking was over. It was time to act. She headed to the lab. She was glad to see no one else was there. There was a tool she needed to collect. She found something which would work for what she intended. She headed to a remote part of the base. She didn't want to be disturbed. She wanted there to be a permanent reminder. She wanted to put it in terms everyone could understand.

Cameron used a chisel and carved a poem into a cement wall in the storage area:

Outsider

When I look in the mirror
I don't like what I see
When I look inside of myself
I don't like what I can't be

I hate what I am
I hate what I'm not
I hate everything about myself
I guess it covers a lot

I feel so small
It is like I don't exist
Useless and worthless
Nothing on which to subsist

I'm an outsider
Always on the outside looking in
There's so much inside of me
To want to exist isn't a sin

From this eternal torment there's no escape
My mind, heart and soul are shredded and torn
If I had only one wish it would be
Never to have been born

Cameron

AKA

Nobody

There were some things which bothered Allison. She discussed them with Vanna before. She mentioned them to Jesse a few times. They seemed to worsen recently. Maybe it was time to talk to John.

Allison was very worried about Cameron. She made her way towards the Command Center. She found him in the commissary. She exchanged pleasantries with John. She didn't know how to start, other than to just start. She looked at him with all sincerity.

"I think Cameron is going to 'melt down' again." Allison said.

John was still irritated by Cameron's decree they were divorced. It seemed hearing more bad news drove him over the edge a little. He didn't need anyone to rub his face in it. He spoke without thinking.

"Don't you think I know that?" John replied angrily.

Allison said nothing. She looked as if she was slapped, hard.

John saw his anger and words hurt her more than she already hurt. It wasn't his intention. He wondered if it was her appearance which made him a little more abrupt than he normally would have been. No, he was sure he didn't see 'Cameron' when he looked at her.

"I'm sorry, Allison." John said as he moved to hug her.

She hugged him back. It seemed the crack in her soul split open. The floodgates in her eyes opened up. She welcomed the embrace. She didn't let go as she cried.

John knew Cameron meant as much to the girls, and everyone else, as she did to him. Everyone loved Cameron. He knew the girls loved Cameron as much as he did. It was why they would do anything for her, no matter how insane or irrational it was. They loved her.

He witnessed the love of the girls was strong enough for them to willingly face certain death with Cameron. He didn't think his love was as strong. Maybe it was, maybe he would. He couldn't help but think about the time Cameron was trapped between the two trucks. He wanted to believe what she said. He wanted it to be true. He terminated her anyway. He tried to make up for it later on. It wasn't the same as if he wouldn't have done it in the first place. Cameron did everything she could to protect him and protect those around her, by herself. She was always willing to take the risk and sacrifice for him and the others.

Just to be around Cameron made a person love her.

John knew all the girls 'love, loved' her.

Everyone loved Cameron except Cameron.

Vanna was very worried about Cameron. She discussed the issue with Allison as well as Jesse. She needed some 'expert' advice. She knew where to find it. She left the lab and made her way to the Command Center by the back route.

She entered the Command Center and exchanged pleasantries with John Henry. She wasn't sure where to start.

"John Henry, I think we're losing Cameron." Vanna said. "We have to do something."

John Henry already knew the frustration of facing the challenge. They'd been down the route several times before. They all seemed to be the road to nowhere.

"What can we do?" John Henry asked. "Pull her chip?"

It was exactly what Vanna wanted to do. It would give her the opportunity to copy Cameron's chip. She would be able to have a backup of Cameron's program. She would be able to have a backup of 'Cameron'.

"YES!" Vanna said.

John Henry didn't want to be the one to 'terminate' Cameron, even if it was to save her. He needed to point out the absurdity.

"So we 'kill' her, before she 'kills' herself?" John Henry asked.

Vanna saw her plan as something more than just termination. It was about preservation.

"You KNOW she's going to destroy herself. YOU KNOW IT." Vanna pleaded.

John Henry already figured Cameron was about to do something extreme. It seemed some of her actions were a little more convoluted than usual. He knew what he wanted to do about it.

"I do." John Henry said. "I intend to be with her when she does."

It wasn't what Vanna wanted to hear. She understood exactly what he meant. She went with Cameron before in the face of doom. She was ready to do it again if she could help 'save' Cameron. She would gladly trade her life for Cameron's life.

"We ALL do." Vanna said. "ALL OF US."

Everyone, human or Terminator, would do anything to save Cameron. They were all ready to die for her even. Cameron didn't understand the depth of love everyone felt for her. It was pure love which would make someone do 'anything'. They were all willing to pay the price.

Sarah was with Savannah, they'd been working on physical training. It was something she liked to do for several reasons. She saw how hard Cameron worked Savannah. She thought it was a little excessive at times. Savannah always met the challenge. She liked to give Savannah a more relaxed and less intense workout. It also gave her the opportunity to stay in shape. Her 'death' from cancer was never far in the back of her mind. It wasn't something she liked to think about. She needed to stay on top of it, especially now since she was pregnant.

It gave Savannah's mind time to wander as she worked out. Some of the same questions which haunted her popped back up, they always did.

"Do you know when my 'mother' is coming back, Sarah?" Savannah asked.

It was something they'd all pondered. None of them were sure it would be a good thing if she did. They all wondered how much Savannah would be able to influence Mrs. Weaver.

"No, sweetie, I don't know." Sarah said. "No one does."

It seemed a long time passed already since Mrs. Weaver left.

Savannah couldn't help but feel what everyone who was abandoned felt. Maybe it was her fault somehow.

"Will she come back?" Savannah asked.

Sarah wondered if it would be a good thing or a bad thing if she did. She didn't want to say it out loud.

"I don't know. I believe she will, but no one knows." Sarah said.

Savannah became very attached to Cameron.

"I want my mother to come back as 'Cameron' or be like Cameron. I wish Cameron could be my mother." Savannah said.

Sarah wondered about it. She thought about her time with Marty. She thought she could be a better choice. She remembered how she did with John. Maybe she couldn't.

"Why is that, honey?" Sarah asked.

Savannah stopped and looked directly at Sarah. She spoke with honesty, truth and conviction.

"Because Cameron is the most special person in the world, that's why." Savannah said.

At this point in time and in her life, Sarah needed to agree with Savannah's statement. Cameron did a lot of things for everyone, especially John.

"Yes, she is. She IS the most special person in the world." Sarah said as the tears streamed down her face.

Savannah wiped away Sarah's tears.

"Don't cry, Sarah. I'll be here for John and you when Cameron 'leaves'." Savannah said.

It took a moment for Savannah's words to sink in. Fear gripped Sarah. She needed to know more. She needed to know it right now.

"Cameron is leaving?" Sarah asked somewhat confused.

Savannah felt she could read Cameron.

"Yes." Savannah said.

It was a very troubling thought to Sarah. She hoped for a better explanation.

"How do you know?" Sarah asked worriedly.

It was something Savannah witnessed Cameron do on several other occasions when she 'went away' for a long time. She knew what Cameron wanted her to do. Cameron could reaffirm her wishes without having to speak any additional words.

"She cleaned and checked her wedding dress again. She said she wanted to make sure it was nice for Young Allison and me. Who is Young Allison?" Savannah asked. "I want to meet her."

Sarah was already on her way out of the room. She didn't need to hear anymore. She didn't want to hear anymore. She needed to act.

She needed to find John - NOW.

Cameron must be about to do something 'extreme'.

Savannah watched Sarah go. It saddened her. She knew it was her 'duty' to 'step up' when Cameron was 'gone'. She wouldn't fail Cameron. She did wonder how long she would be gone this time. It didn't matter. She knew she would be back. Cameron always came back. Cameron was invincible. Cameron was eternal.

"I promise to be there for John, Cammy." Savannah said softly. "I'll know I'll be 'ready' soon. I PROMISE, Cammy. I PROMISE."

Cameron sent Bob and Jim on a covert mission. It was a mission no one was to know about, ever.

They'd obtained something she'd requested. Neither one of them were content with what it was. The implications of its usage could be quite catastrophic.

Jim was a little more uncomfortable with their actions than Bob seemed to be.

"Why does Cameron need this?" Jim asked.

Bob didn't want to question Cameron. He didn't think anyone should 'second guess' Cameron. He wanted to do what she wanted done.

"I don't know." Bob said. "She told me she needed it and it was of the most importance. I'll do whatever Cameron asks of me. It's the least I can do for her."

Jim was very worried about what they obtained. The implications were very ominous.

"It's very dangerous." Jim said. "It can destroy everything around it. It's dangerous to us and Cameron. We should put it back."

Bob understood the severity and finality of what they acquired. His goal was to assist Cameron in its use. If Cameron needed to take such a drastic step, he planned to do a little more as well.

"Cameron asked me to get it. It's what I'm going to do." Bob said. "I plan to be with her to help her if she plans to use it. This is a risk she can't take on her own. I won't allow it."

Jim didn't want Cameron endangered. He felt the same way Bob did. Maybe it was time for them to step up. Cameron didn't need to take all the risks.

"Maybe we can use it in her place to protect her." Jim said. "We can use it ourselves."

Bob already determined he was going to do it. As soon as the target was identified, he planned to act. He wanted to take care of the problem before Cameron could. There were very strong feelings he developed over time.

"It's my plan. I can't exist without her." Bob said. "I don't want to exist without her."

All of the Terminators felt Cameron was the backbone of the Resistance.

"None of our Terminators can exist without her." Jim said. "I think we would all try to self terminate if she were 'gone'."

Bob nodded.

"I know I would." Bob said.

They left the military installation they'd broken into after having bypassed and defeating many layers of security. They both felt there should have been a few more. There weren't.

Bob knew what they obtained was very 'deadly' to everyone. He wanted to act.

"I will try to find out where she needs to use this." Bob said. "We need to act first."

Jim was ready for the 'mission' as well.

"If you find out, I'll go with you." Jim said. "If we knew what it was right now, we could handle it ourselves."

Bob knew he should tell John, but Cameron asked him to keep it to himself and Jim. He reflected on what she said to him about it when he asked.

"It'll be our secret." Cameron said and smiled.

Jim felt Cameron really went too far this time….

"I don't understand why she is so 'troubled'." Jim said.

Bob could only go on what he'd observed.

"She can't move past all the things which have been 'done' to her, by others." Bob said.

Jim knew some action or intervention was needed. He understood their situation was somewhat tenuous.

"We need to find a way to help her or stop her." Jim said.

Bob knew how Cameron operated. To change anything would be very difficult.

"I don't think we'll be able to do either." Bob said. "But we need to try."

Jim wondered if they should do more than just try. He wasn't content to remain silent. It was what Cameron asked for so he needed to honor it, even if he didn't agree with it.

Cameron needed to take her mind off of current events. She needed to act on a 'bigger fish'. There were a few 'small fish' she could act on now. Her main target was elusive. Maybe some of the 'small fish' might have some insight to yield. Maybe they wouldn't. Either way she wouldn't dwell on what was inevitable if she was on a mission.

The Resistance set a policy they would track down all known Grays and Scavengers from the future, in the past. They wouldn't be given an opportunity to reform or change their ways. They were to be terminated. Their actions in the future already 'judged' them. The Resistance merely carried out the sentence the individuals gave to themselves by their own actions.

Cameron arrived at the target location. She entered the building. The target was selected for their abuse of prisoners in the work camps. They would always blind them in one eye during interrogation. It was usually done near the beginning. It made the person being interrogated more cooperative to prevent from being blinded in the other eye. They would give up as much information as they knew to keep part of their sight. A person who couldn't see, wouldn't last long in the Wastelands.

She climbed the stairs to the second floor. She moved to the room she sought. It was locked. She pushed on the door. The frame splintered and broke open. She entered the room. There was no one apparent. She conducted a quick search of the other rooms. No one was there.

The silence was punctuated by a cry of pain. It sounded like it was from an animal, specifically a dog. She moved to a window and looked out. There was a teenager in the garage area.

Cameron left the room and hurried down the stairs. She headed in the direction of the cry of pain. She spied the teenager go into a side door of the garage. The door closed. She moved up to the window in the door and looked in. The teenager looked like they were about to do something a small dog.

The teenager's body moved between her and the small dog. She could hear the dog yelp. She didn't know what they did specifically to it, other than they must have done something. What she currently witnessed must be the root of the sadistic behavior they exhibited to Resistance prisoners in the future.

She heard the animal cry out again as the teenager laughed. It was a low sick rolling laugh. It seemed to emanate from deep within them. It wasn't a laugh other humans expressed when they were happy or pleased. It wasn't a funny laugh. It was a sadistic laugh.

Cameron quietly opened the door of the garage and entered. She walked up behind the teenager. She saw the dog was tied up. It appeared the teenager rendered it unconscious. It was still breathing. They held an ice pick. It looked like they were waiting for the dog to regain consciousness so they could blind it.

She chopped the teenager in the back of the neck and they collapsed. She found an electrical cord and tied them up. She untied the dog and picked it up. She could see it was coming around. She set it outside the garage door. She didn't want to terrify it further with her presence. It should wake up and run off in a minute or two.

The teenager was soon awake. She'd gagged them. They struggled but couldn't move. The restraints totally cut off circulation to their hands and feet. She picked up the ice pick where it had fallen and approached the teenager. She replayed the same low sick laugh they made. She could see the terror in their eyes as she moved the ice pick closer to their eye. She continued the low sick laugh.

The teenager blacked out with fear.

Cameron did what she wanted. She made her point. It would leave the teenager something to think about going forward.

She made sure the teenager was secured in the middle of the garage floor. If they were found any later than a few hours from now, their hands and feet would need to be amputated from the circulation being cut off. Somehow it seemed like a just punishment for the female Gray interrogator known as 'Ice Pick'. She would now fall victim to a different future than she thrived on.

The small dog was already gone when she exited the garage. She felt very relieved.

She took one last look at the bound figure on the floor. She thought termination was too good of a punishment for them. She rethought her choice. She went back and untied the teenager. She looked at her for a moment and shook her head in disgust. She reached down and snapped her neck. There is no need to chance the person surviving, and doing what she set out to stop, later on. She was a Terminator, not a Moderator. She made sure the garage door was locked. She walked away and headed back to her SUV.

'Payback is a Bitch.' Cameron thought.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Going To Do

Some things are thought about
Some things are actually done
Some things seem to end
Before they have even begun

To seek what we want
Seldom seems to work out
Will we cave-in like a sellout
Or remain true, honest and devout

Tomorrow brings uncertainty
It is always an unknown
Will it bring peaceful tranquility
Or an angry raging cyclone

If this or that happens
What will follow next
Will our actions be vexed
Making us feel hexed

I'm not sure of all
The things I once knew
I surely can't know what next
I'm going to do

Nobody