Chapter 151
Day Of Loss
John thought back on all the events. He often wondered if it was a dream.
He knew it wasn't.
He always wanted to wake up from the nightmare. He wanted to open his eyes and find Cameron in bed next to him. He wanted to see her beautiful smile. He wanted to feel her want him. It was impossible. Everything was different.
He oversaw the repairs done to the Terminators which were damaged in the three different battle zones.
John felt guilty. No. He felt worse than guilty.
He was relatively unhurt. It was because Bob, Jim, and John Henry protected him. They ALL protected him. There were others who were less fortunate. It made him sick to even think about it. Those who perished all died in a catastrophic manner.
John felt guilty because he survived. There were others who didn't, people died. It was all because of him. He was the one responsible no matter how it was looked at. He couldn't help but remember what Future Derek told him when they were driving back from the military academy.
"Everyone dies for John Connor." Future Derek said. "We all die for you."
Why? It bothered him a lot for Cameron to think of herself as Nobody. Cameron wasn't Nobody. He felt if anyone was Nobody, or even 'a nobody', it was him. It didn't matter if Skynet tried to kill him before he was born, or growing up several times. Who was he for anyone to die for? No, really, who was he?
John could feel the events catch up to him again. They still weighed very heavily upon him.
Cameron was terminated.
John was heartbroken.
Cameron was gone.
Allison, Vanna, and Jesse were gone. Each of them perished when a Terminator's power cell exploded. All of them died fighting. None of them ran from the fight. They all ran towards it, literally. They all died protecting him.
Many of their Terminators were damaged. Some of it was quite severe. There was heavy fighting on the hillside when they arrived at the Skynet ambush. It was his fault again. He wanted to try to save Cameron. They didn't make it in time. The girls all died for nothing. They wanted to save Cameron as well. In retrospect, he would rather have them save themselves. Since they were unable to save Cameron, they all died for nothing. It all came back to him. Everything was always centered around him.
He didn't like what Cameron did. He understood it, but he still didn't like it. Maybe he should have respected Cameron's wishes for her to operate alone. If he would have, the girls would still be alive.
Cameron defeated Skynet but at what cost? At what price?
Was this the price of victory?
'Not all victories are sweet.' Cameron once told him. Now he understood.
Billions of people were saved, while they lost four. It was actually five if Allison's baby was counted. It was something else for him to think about. Even though there was no physical union between Allison and him, she carried his child. She was still impregnated artificially. Allison died with his child inside of her.
Was it a fair price to pay?
It didn't seem like it. He wasn't sure it was worth it. Were the lives of their team members worth the lives of billions of humans on Earth? Skynet destroyed and killed in many different ways.
The cost seemed too high for the 'reward'.
Sometimes when two of them were alone, somewhere during the conversation the issue could come up. There was always a very long pause when it did. He understood the reason. They all did.
No one could talk about it, any of it. None of them wanted to.
If they tried, it made it real. If they acknowledge what happened with each other, it made it real. If they didn't talk about it, they could try to pretend it didn't really happen. Reality always caught up with them.
Once Gail was relieved, and the Young Detail was reinforced, Gail chose self termination. She was unable to cope with the loss of Jesse, her beloved. Jesse perished when she came to help her and to save her.
John was faced with the dilemma of losing another one of their group. He couldn't blame Gail for the way she felt. It was the way he felt. He felt the same way. He decided to let her choose her own fate. There were others who felt differently.
Savannah pleaded with him not to allow Gail to self terminate. It was decided to remove Gail's chip and deactivate her, even against her wishes. She didn't want deactivation, she wanted termination. In essence they were both the same thing, even if they weren't. Deactivated with the chip removed, or terminated with the chip destroyed, resulted in the same thing. It was the loss of the individual. They no longer existed.
There was simply no way to move forward.
It was over.
John was being crushed inside. He remembered where the path led him before. He wasn't too far away from it at any given moment in time.
Holly came to comfort him. She would just sit with him. Sometimes for days at a time. Sometimes never a word was spoken. She dealt with the outside world for him. He refused to see anyone.
It made him wonder why Holly was always there. He had his suspicions. No, they weren't suspicions. They were probably his wishes instead.
"Holly, are you - Cameron?" John would ask.
Holly's face remained neutral. It always did.
"No, I'm Holly, Cameron asked for me to watch over you and be there for you. I'm here for you." Holly said. "The girls were to be at your side, not me. I'm not Cameron's replacement, I'm here to help. I'll help you with everything and anything. It's my function to keep you 'functional'. I'm the final back up. I'll expand and evolve into any role necessary. The extent I'm able to do so is up to you."
John looked at her for a long time.
"Go away." John said.
Holly gave him a faint smile. She made a promise to Cameron. It was Cameron's final wish.
"I'm not going to do it. I won't leave your side until you're able to function properly." Holly said. "It was my personal promise to Cameron. I intend to keep it. It was the only thing she asked of me. I'll do so until I'm terminated, or my power cell runs out."
John felt a little irritated.
"Are you afraid I'll kill myself?" John asked.
Holly tilted her head slightly.
"No, I'm not, but Cameron was. It's my duty to make sure such an illogical event doesn't happen." Holly said. "You know it's not what Cameron would want for you, or anyone in the Resistance. I promised Cameron to make sure it wouldn't happen. I will not fail."
As time passed John started to see his mother and family again. It was mainly because of one person. Well, one person other than Holly. It was Savannah who kept him anchored to the present. She helped him look away from the past and look toward the future. What caught his attention the most, was when Savannah told him she couldn't lose anyone else in her life. What she told him, really hit home. No one lost more than Savannah did. It was more than just about him. There were others as well he needed to think about.
Holly helped him with everything. Soon they were able to continue the fight to search for the remains of Skynet or any of its illegitimate offshoots.
No one could ever talk of the girls. It was too painful to even think of. Without Cameron, everyone was crushed. The loss of the girls only made it worse.
It hurt Savannah as much as John. There was one big difference between them. Savannah believed in Cameron.
"They're not dead. They're all coming back, and so is my mother." Savannah would say. "They have to come back. I KNOW they will. I KNOW IT. Cameron will fix Gail too when she comes back. Cameron will fix everything."
John would always need to excuse himself when she spoke about it. He would need to be alone when he cried.
Sarah and Kyle would try to comfort Savannah as best as they could.
"Not this time, honey." Sarah told her. "Maybe your mother will be back. All you can do is hope. It's all any of us can do."
Savannah was very adamant. She wasn't going to give up. She would never give up.
"I have faith they will all come back." Savannah said. "I believe it."
Sarah knew faith and belief happen in a person's mind. She possessed neither….
Savannah would look everyone in the face when she told them what she believed as fact and truth.
"Cameron is invincible." Savannah said. "Cameron is eternal."
Savannah's faith was unshakeable.
Her love was like no other. She believed in Cameron.
Every night Savannah would promise to keep her promises to Cameron. "I PROMISE, Cammy, I PROMISE…."
Savannah wished she was older…. She could provide John with the comfort and companionship he so desperately needed. She was determined to do it at the earliest opportunity which presented itself. She knew where her place in life was to be. What was the point in waiting? It was going to happen anyway. Why couldn't she comfort John now? She wanted comfort as well. It would allow both of them to direct their attention away from Cameron and focus on each other. She didn't care what the others told her. She knew what was necessary. It was what she wanted as well.
Sarah in time gave birth to a daughter, Jan. Now Jan Connor would grow up in the wake of John Connor. She would be a second Resistance leader in the making. She would become a backup for John. Maybe with all the changes they made at some point, John Connor would fall. Jan Connor would step into his place and continue the fight.
John was determined he would hunt down Skynet. He would search for any version of it, and any of the Grays associated with it. Skynet cost him too many people he loved and cared about. No wonder he pushed everyone away in the future. He was ready to do it now. He tried to do it now. Savannah and Holly wouldn't let him. Holly became his rock. Savannah was his compass.
Then there was Riley….
The TDE remained encrypted. John Henry said unless River came back, or they built a new one, there was no breaking the code. He was sure it was done specifically for the very reason they wanted to use it now. It was to stop 'temporal malpractice'. It was something others believed Cameron was responsible for. Now, there wasn't a single one of them who wouldn't do it to get Cameron back. It was easier to understand Cameron's actions now. It was why Cameron took the brunt of the Resistance operations on her back and tried to do them alone. When she was alone, no one else would be damaged or killed.
John wondered at what point one stops trying to change the past and starts trying to move forward? Was there even a forward? He couldn't see it. He couldn't get past the past.
Holly was at his side for everything. Holly never let him slip or fall. He could see Holly's beauty, both inside and outside.
John would look at her and wonder if Cameron was 'inside' Holly but there was never any indication. He would even talk with Riley on purpose in front of Holly. He hoped to see Holly's hand glitch, or cause her to intervene in their association. She never did. NOTHING ever happened to stop anything. Holly never tried to touch him or kiss him.
Whenever John talked with Riley, Holly would later indicate she would do whatever he 'needed' or 'desired'. He knew Holly was 'offering' herself to him. She did 'nothing' on her own, but made it clear she was 'available'.
Holly would always tell John the same thing.
"It's my promise to Cameron and my part in the Resistance to do whatever is required or needed of me. It's my primary function to protect and 'serve' John Connor in whatever 'manner' necessary." Holly said. "I'll fulfill my 'obligations' with whatever YOU determine or indicate them to be…."
Holly would see the way John would look at her sometimes…. She knew what he thought and felt. She could feel what he wanted…. She would also see his grief for Cameron overtake him and prevent him from ever acting. She made no effort to encourage or discourage him. She knew John knew she was there for 'anything'….
She believed it was John's choice to make. She felt the way Cameron did. She too wanted to be 'chosen'. It wasn't her place to intrude or take. She was ready to accommodate whatever function was desired. It would be a mutual interaction when it occurred.
Cameron made Holly promise to be chosen first. She knew only when John was ready to choose, would he be able to move forward and get past her demise. If he was at the point he could choose Holly, it meant something bad must have happened to the girls, all three of them, and Savannah hadn't stepped up yet for whatever reason. She wanted the choice to be Savannah's when she was ready. She tried to cover all the bases. She made sure everything was lined up and in play before she 'left'.
The biggest comfort to Cameron was, she knew without a doubt, Savannah would keep her promise when she was ready.
John grew lonelier and lonelier. Holly at his side gave him 'comfort'. She was beautiful, and she was 'there'. He sought 'companionship'. He would need to act to receive it. It wouldn't happen any other way.
The hardest loss for John after Cameron was Allison's baby, his baby. To see his younger sister Jan would always remind him of it, and how much Cameron wanted it for him, and for herself.
Everyone knew Holly and John spent a lot of time alone together. No one ever asked about it. Cameron and the girls were gone. Companionship was needed by all of them to get through everything. They deserved each other….
The fight drudged on and the hunt for Skynet continued.
John Henry was able to track down a few more future Grays. Derek and Kyle would be sent to handle the 'problem'. It was a way for them to cope with the events. Bob and Jim would go with them.
Holly monitored all the communications and information whenever John was asleep. She picked up on the latest find by John Henry.
She sat by John's bedside and waited for him to wake up as she did everyday.
John opened his eyes and jumped a little. He hated when his mother used to do the same thing. He didn't like it when Cameron did it either. Holly did it everyday. He still didn't like it, but he was used to it by now. She meant well, they all did really when they did it. It was their way to show a sign of affection. It was a way for them to show they cared about him. It was actually quite reassuring in reality.
"Good morning, John." Holly said.
Holly smiled at John. It was what she did every day.
John couldn't help but to smile back. It was nice to be greeted by a smiling face for a change when he woke up. It was nice to have someone at his side too when he awoke.
He noticed Holly was nicely dressed. It seemed she always was. There was always a fair amount of 'sheath' showing too. Sometimes it was more than others. Today it was more. There was a rather impressive amount behind the material.
Holly had her own room. She seldom was there. She moved some of her things into John's room. They hung next to Cameron's things. Nothing of Cameron's was ever moved or changed. It was one thing Savannah was adamant about. She insisted they not mess with Cameron's things because she was coming back one day. Maybe nothing was changed so Savannah wasn't 'hurt' further by the loss. Maybe it kept a spark of hope alive in all of them.
Sometimes when John was asleep Holly would try on some of Cameron's clothes. Most of them were too tight around her bust line. None of Cameron's bras could come close to fit her. Well, they would if she was willing to stretch them dramatically. She didn't want to ruin them.
John sat up in bed. Holly handed him his cup of hot coffee. It was there everyday for him when he woke up. Holly always took care of him with everything before he knew he even would need something. Sometimes she was very much like Cameron, other times she was very different. She was very pleasant to be around. He needed to remember Holly was a Restorator, not a Terminator. She never did Skynet's bidding. She did Mrs. Weaver's bidding, even if it was for a short time.
"Thank you." John said as he took the hot coffee.
Holly's smile grew. It always pleased her to see when John was pleased.
"You're welcome." Holly said.
Holly usually briefed him on any events which happened while he was asleep.
John noticed his combat gear was laid out this morning. There were two sets of clothing, vests and their associated gear.
John sat up further and became combat aware.
"What's happening?" John asked. "Do we have contact? Is it Skynet?"
Holly smiled and touched his shoulder.
"It's nothing important." Holly said. "A future Gray has been identified and located."
John hadn't been in combat since the 'Day Of Loss'. He wanted blood.
"We need to get a team together." John said.
John finished his coffee. Holly took the empty cup from him.
Holly wanted John to restart his life.
"It will be just us." Holly said. "Bob and Jim will only serve as our backup."
John didn't know if he was ready for it. He quickly realized it was why Holly wanted to do it the way she indicated. It was to make him ready, and get him back into the fight.
He got up and attended to his personal needs. When he came out of the bathroom to get dressed he only wore his under shorts. Holly was in her underwear. She held her neatly folded clothes in one hand.
"I brought my gear here." Holly said.
John saw it earlier. He knew Holly could have changed while he was in the bathroom.
She set her clothes down, reached back, unhooked her bra and took it off.
She set it down and then slid her underwear off.
"I'm not going to wear my nice things in case I'm damaged." Holly said.
Holly stood there naked before John. He viewed her many times the same way. She was always right there for the 'taking'. She never 'made a move' on him. The offer was always there. If he wanted more, it was clearly available.
"You look beautiful." John said.
Holly smiled.
"I'm here for anything you want or need." Holly said. "I always am. I always will be."
John looked at her large firm breasts and her sweet smooth 'thigh gap'.
Holly could tell John was distracted.
"Let's get you ready." Holly said.
She picked up his pants and handed them to him. She was naked right in front of him.
He took his pants and stepped into them. When he bent forward, his face brushed against her right breast.
She continued to dress him. He put his socks on and then his boots. He was bent over as he laced his left boot.
"I can do it for you." Holly said. "It won't take me long."
She stepped up close to him.
When John looked up, his face was right at the level of the gap in her thighs and her smooth secret spot. It was right in his face.
"We don't need to leave right away." Holly said.
John was unsure if he could control himself. He wanted her. He wanted her 'bad'.
"YES we do." John quickly said. "I can tie my shoes."
By the time he finished with his second boot, he looked over and Holly was completely dressed and combat ready. It was only like thirty seconds or so.
They updated with John Henry before they left.
They arrived at the location of the future Gray.
John wanted vengeance and he wanted blood. He was sure of it. Hatred and anger built inside of him. It was something which seemed to blind him anymore.
They waited until a car drove away from the house.
"It's time." Holly said.
She glanced back. Bob and Jim were in an SUV across the street.
John thought about why Holly was there with him instead of Cameron. He felt his anger rise.
"I'm going to kill them." John said.
Holly nodded.
"It's what you want." Holly said. "Follow me."
Holly quietly picked the lock.
John thought she would normally force it open. He held Cameron's Glock in his hand.
"I want to kill them." John said. "I'm going to do it."
There was fire and hate in John's eyes.
Holly led him to a rear room. She stopped and listened. She wanted to make sure John understood what the Gray's offense was in the future.
"They're in here." Holly said. "In the future, they use Resistance prisoners to clean toxic waste out of vats. They all get cancer and die horribly in a few months."
The hate burned in John's soul.
Holly opened the door and John entered the room with Cameron's Glock raised. He took three steps in and paused. There was a teenage boy sitting at a desk. He turned around and looked at John with wide eyes.
The pent up hatred and anger in John cracked in that moment. He couldn't pull the trigger. He remembered the times it was 'him' sitting in the chair, and someone was after him for what his future self did.
Holly moved past John and choked the teen out before he could scream.
John still pointed Cameron's Glock where the teen had been sitting. He was on the floor now.
Holly hoped to see the reaction from John she just witnessed.
"There's a difference between humans and machines." Holly said. "I think you just found the human side of yourself again."
It was clear to John it was a 'test' to make him 'wake up'.
"Did he do what you said he did?" John asked.
Holly scanned him and looked at his fingerprints.
"Yes." Holly said. "Humans will die horribly because of him in the future."
John moved the Glock over and pointed it at the teens head. The hatred and anger to kill was gone. It wasn't about avenging Cameron any longer. It wasn't to kill, just to kill. Now he was ready to enact justice instead of vengeance.
Holly wanted to remind John there were options available to him.
"A leader delegates responsibility and actions to his troops to carry out." Holly said.
John knew it would still make him responsible, even if someone else did the dirty work. His actions had consequences, even if he didn't do them himself.
Holly opened a pouch on her vest and removed a hypodermic needle. She had several packets of white powder.
John was a little confused at the new procedure.
"What's that?" John asked.
Holly wanted to remind him there were many ways to accomplish the mission. Some were less overt than others. The results would be the same.
"It's heroin." Holly said. "I'm going to overdose him if you don't want to shoot him. He'll look like a drug user when they find him. The future must be protected."
John put his Glock away. He knew what needed to be done. Holly was right, it was the General's job to delegate responsibility and assign duties.
"We have a job to do and a future to protect." John said. "Do it."
John watched as Holly administered the overdose. The teen stopped breathing almost immediately.
Holly reached down and scanned him.
"He's terminated." Holly said.
They quietly left and returned to the base.
John went straight to the Command Center when they returned. Her took up his station.
He remembered who he was and what his function was.
It was time to move forward.
Nothing was ever the same again and it never would be.
How could it be?
The past didn't have anything to offer.
Only the future remained.
There was nothing good to look forward to.
There was only what needed to be done.
Closing monologue by Cameron:
Day Of Loss
Things are not often given
They are never an absolute
What should be an attribute
Is usually only a faint substitute
Change is not welcome
At first things seem worse
They can grow to become diverse
If two can learn to converse
Usually everyone seeks to retreat
They crawl back into their shell
What they perceive as a citadel
Actually becomes a self made Hell
They become stuck and mired
There's no advance or retreat
Life becomes bitter instead of sweet
They embrace failure and welcome defeat
Communication becomes restricted
The past becomes the future's albatross
No shared feelings seem to get across
Everyday soon becomes a day of loss
Nobody