Chapter 162

I Can't

Cameron spent some quality time with John, after spending most of the night out with the girls. The main focus of the club was to get Gail and Jesse 'together'. It seemed to work out just fine. She passed by Jesse's room a few times before she ended up with John. It sounded like things were pretty wild in there. It seemed Jesse couldn't get enough.

It was one thing she noticed whenever the girls were together. Things could go on for hours on end. It was something relationships with males seemed to lack. The males were only good for so long before things fell off and faded fast. Once they achieved their goal, they were pretty much done. It was a common complaint she read about in Cosmo.

There was a big problem which would need to be dealt with soon. The issue which might develop between with Vanna and Allison was yet to happen. It was about the fact Duplicate Allison was pregnant. It was sure to come back to her at some point. The question for her was if she was going to lie about what really happened or not. If she lied, she could manipulate Allison into being with John. It wasn't what happened with Duplicate Allison.

John was asleep now. She carefully got out of bed. She was naked, as was John. She pulled the sheet up on him and put her clothes on. She considered a shower to clean herself off but didn't do it. She was afraid it would disturb John. Sometimes she would walk naked to another room and do it there. It didn't bother her if anyone saw her naked. She always liked when everyone would look a second time at her. She noticed it was even more so when she was unclothed than when she was dressed.

She didn't like the way Sarah, Future Derek, and even John, sometimes used to look at her with contempt. They looked down on her because of how she was created. When other people saw her, they only saw an individual. They didn't know she was a machine.

There were several times when she was 'distracted', where she ended up in Savannah's room somehow. She wasn't sure how it happened. She didn't do it consciously, but still ended up there. Savannah would come to the edge of the door to her bathroom and watch her in the shower. Savannah always loved her as a 'person'. It seemed seeing her naked caused Savannah to love her in other ways too. She would only be aware she was in Savannah's room after she left. She was sure there was 'something' in her programming which was responsible for the behavior. She couldn't find what it was. Savannah never once mentioned it to her or anyone. It was all very strange and inexplicable. She was sure there were other actions she did at times she was 'unaware' of. It always made her wonder what they were.

She didn't know if it was done to ensure Savannah and Young Allison would seek each other out going forward. Young Allison would look identical to her as she aged. In her experience, every Savannah Weaver and every Allison Young, in whatever timeline they were in, were eventually attracted to each other. She believed it was one of the 'Tides Of Time'. It was much the same as any version of John Connor being the leader of the Resistance.

She considered going out to hunt down potential Grays or Scavengers to pass the time. They were both groups of individuals which needed to be dealt with. She went to the lab instead and worked there for a few hours. She decided to go back and see John again. She felt more of an 'urge' to be with him since her return from her 'day trip'. She wasn't sure why. John was always more than willing to accommodate her. She allowed him to do everything he wanted. It included the use of areas of her sheath where there were no 'pleasure' receptors for her. She was willing to try new things because John liked to go 'around the world'.

Cameron was under the belief John wanted her for her appearance. It was one of the reasons why her appearance was very important to her. She didn't want to disappoint John. It was why she wouldn't allow John to see her damaged anymore either. He didn't need any images of her at less than one hundred percent. It was why she would let him do anything he wanted to her sheath. None of it usually lasted very long. Even with the discomfort, it was over with quickly. She wanted John to want her.

She carefully got up and covered him with the sheet again once he fell asleep. She wanted to spend the night with him but she refused to go into standby again. Those nightmares still haunted her. She grew bored at staring at the ceiling in the darkness.

Cameron left the room naked again. She carried her clothes with her. She went to another room and used the shower there. Once again, Savannah watched her as she entered her room and went into the bathroom naked. Savannah repeated the same procedure of watching her in the shower from the corner of the doorway. She quickly retreated back to her bed before she emerged from the bathroom dressed. She never once looked in Savannah's direction when she entered or left her room.

Again she considered going out to hunt down potential Grays or Scavengers to pass the time. She went to the lab instead and worked in there for a few hours. She didn't realize it was repetitive behavior. There didn't seem to be a whole lot of choices.

Vanna and Allison spent a nice evening together and shared with each other during the night. Allison wanted to give Vanna some comfort for whatever it was which ailed her.

It was morning and the girls were up.

Vanna finally got up the courage to talk to Allison about what Savannah asked her. She wasn't really sure what direction the conversation would take. It seemed whatever direction it was, it wouldn't be a good one. She sat across from Allison. She took her hand and looked her in the eyes.

Allison became extremely nervous with Vanna's actions. It was further heightened because there was such a level of 'seriousness'. It was going to be something big. Maybe it would be mind blowing.

She tried to run down several different scenarios to figure out what was wrong. She didn't have a clue.

Allison knew Vanna loved her and cared for her as she did Vanna. For Vanna to act in such a serious manner, indicated something very serious happened.

Vanna looked at Allison. She knew what she needed to say. She didn't think she should tiptoe around the issue. Maybe it was best to get it out in the open. There didn't seem there was much else to do, other than to just say it.

"Allison, Savannah asked me when you were going to have your 'baby'." Vanna said.

Allison was shocked at the question. She wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. It was very confusing. Vanna didn't crack a smile. It appeared to be a genuine question.

"What?" Allison asked. "What baby?"

Allison's other hand moved and rested across her lower mid section.

Vanna believed there was only one choice.

"It would be John's baby with you." Vanna replied.

Allison looked at Vanna in silence and then her mouth dropped slightly open. She looked as if she had been slapped hard. The reality of the situation sunk in. It was clearly a case of mistaken identity.

"Are you saying the Duplicate version of me was 'pregnant'?" Allison asked somewhat shocked. "Duplicate Allison was knocked up?"

Vanna believed the possibilities were extremely limited.

"Apparently…." Vanna said.

Allison wanted to get the facts straight. The implication of the event seemed a little overwhelming.

"It was with John?" Allison asked. "It's John's baby?"

Vanna let out a sigh. She could only go on what she heard.

"It's what Savannah asked me." Vanna said. "Told me…."

Vanna believed it sounded like an honest question from Savannah.

Allison was aware how attuned to everything Savannah was.

"I don't think Savannah would joke about it." Allison said. "You wouldn't lie to 'yourself' would you?"

The 'time' for the people at the base was longer for everyone, than it was for them. They skipped fifteen months.

"No, but it appears we don't know everything which occurred around here during our 'day trip'." Vanna said. "I guess a lot can happen in fifteen months…."

Vanna understood a lot could happen in fifteen seconds. She didn't think any male who abused her lasted longer than two minutes. She learned if she didn't resist, things were over very quickly. She found out the hard way resistance was futile. What was going to happen, was going to happen, one way or another. It was even more so if there was a group.

Allison tried to play out different scenarios. They all ended up at the same place. It was clear what must have happened. She felt 'dirty' and uncomfortable. Soon tears and anger raged within her. She felt guilty now.

"I can't believe I made love to John with Cameron 'alive'. I can't believe I did it and I, well, my Duplicate self, was still alive." Allison said. "I think Cameron would terminate me."

Allison felt ashamed of 'herself', even if it wasn't 'her' who was guilty. Somehow it seemed even more plausible because it was something she considered on multiple occasions. She believed it would actually help Cameron in the long run. She didn't want to be a 'Bitch Whore'. It was why she never acted. Even if it was what Cameron said she wanted, it was just something she couldn't do on her own. She couldn't do it with Cameron 'alive'.

Vanna could see Allison's discomfort and wanted to reassure and remind her of one important fact. It seemed to be a pretty big one to her.

"It wasn't actually 'you'." Vanna said.

It didn't seem to make Allison feel any better. She went over the details of exactly what the Duplicate set of girls was. It was exactly what it implied.

"It was a version of me. It could have been me. It was a Duplicate version of me in every way." Allison said. "We all started from the same Allison. It wasn't an alternate, but a Duplicate of 'me'. It means we were 'identical'. It's even worse than an alternate."

Allison could clearly see the only person to blame was herself.

Vanna was glad it wasn't her Duplicate who was the one pregnant. It all sounded like it was going to be a problem. It was going to become an issue at some point.

"Since no one is talking about THIS, do you think we should 'ask' anyone, or just drop it? It would seem there is a lot of tension over it since no one said anything to us about it." Vanna said with concern. "I'm not really sure what the reason is."

There was a deeper concern Allison felt. It seemed as if there was a missing part, which wasn't actually missing.

"I don't know. Cameron has all her files during the time period now. It worries me because she never said anything." Allison said.

Allison briefly wondered if Cameron was going to terminate her. She then decided if Cameron was going to do it, she already would have. They wouldn't be out spending quality time together.

Vanna wondered about how it was done. It could have been anything from a chance encounter when everyone's inhibitions were down, and their hormone levels were high. It could have been some type of planned liaison as well. The bottom line was, they didn't know.

"Do you think you may have 'done it' secretly?" Vanna asked.

Vanna's suggestion gave Allison a 'sick' feeling inside. Somehow it made it sound even more underhanded and dirtier. She tried to think about what she would do.

"I can't believe I would do it. I would never do it to Cameron. I love her, Vanna. I LOVE her." Allison pleaded. "It was hard enough to try when we thought Cameron was dead. I can't imagine how hard it would be to try when she was still alive. it seems impossible."

Vanna did know Allison loved Cameron. If she didn't love Cameron herself, it would have actually bothered her more. Vanna KNEW how Allison felt. No one could be around Cameron and NOT love her. She tried to deflect her feelings. It seemed there could be several different possibilities.

"Maybe you three were 'together'." Vanna said.

Stab.

Allison didn't like the implication. She turned it around.

"Or maybe it was ALL four of US." Allison responded.

Stab back.

The two girls eyed each other. They both knew they loved Cameron as much as each other.

Vanna was sorry she even brought the issue up. She shouldn't have even discussed it.

"I don't think we should ask anyone." Vanna said.

The two girls sat in glum silence.

Allison felt terrible. The guilt was overwhelming. She couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm going to apologize to Cameron." Allison finally said.

It seemed like a bad idea to Vanna.

"Do you think it's wise?" Vanna asked.

Allison didn't believe it was her fault, even if somehow it was.

"Cameron knows I was with her. It wasn't 'me'." Allison said with tears in her eyes.

Allison hated herself for such an act of betrayal. She tried to tell herself it wasn't actually HER. It didn't do much to comfort her. A version of her was a 'Bitch Whore'. It was plain and simple.

Vanna tried to soothe her.

"Maybe it's why it hasn't come up and no one talks about it. I think we should drop it unless John or Cameron brings it up." Vanna said.

Allison was very angry now. She was angry at herself, and she was angry at John. It wasn't a task accomplished by one person alone. It took genetic material from both a male and a female for it to occur.

"Maybe…. No, I'm going to ask John how the 'real thing' compared to synthetic. He must have wanted to find out." Allison said. "It took TWO of us to do it."

Vanna was intrigued by Allison's question. She would really like to compare synthetic to the real thing. She imagined how exciting it would be to do it side by side, at the same time. She quickly pushed the thoughts from her head. She could see Allison's fuse was already lit.

Allison got up. She was ready to storm out of the room. Fire burnt in her eyes as anger flared in her heart.

Vanna held on to her. Allison's reputation as a 'firecracker' was about to show itself.

"No, Allison. Please don't, please." Vanna said.

Vanna clung to her with pleading eyes and didn't let go of her. Their love was still strong, even if 'fractured'.

Allison sat back down. What she needed was comfort.

"I'm sorry." Allison said. "I'm sorry, Vanna. Please hold me. I love you."

Allison was lost deep in thought. The same thing echoed through her mind over and over.

'A baby, A BABY…. What have I done? I'm so sorry, Cameron….' Allison pondered.

Cameron was back from her 'mission'. Savannah seemed to be waiting for her. She quickly replayed what happened last night. Her files indicated she used Savannah's shower. She didn't recollect the actual event, even if it occurred.

Savannah wanted to know more about what happened during Cameron's absence. It was a long one.

"Cameron, where did you go? Did you go to look for my mother when you were away?" Savannah asked.

Cameron tried to provide some logic to what she now viewed as folly.

"It was part of the plan. It looks like three different things happened. I know of two of them. The third thing, and about your mother, remain unknown." Cameron said. "For the girls and I, we were only gone for less than a day, even though fifteen months transpired here."

Savannah wanted to know more about Allison's baby. She heard what Cameron said, it just seemed like there should be more to it.

"When is Allison going to have her baby? Is it why she was gone? Did she have it already?" Savannah asked. "Where is it? Was it a boy or a girl?"

Cameron's hand glitched, it was an involuntary reaction. It was a girl…. Duplicate Cameron picked several names for her, such as, April, Clover, Scarlet, Autumn, or Summer….

Savannah noticed Cameron's hand and took it in her own. The glitch immediately stopped. It was something which occurred on more than a few occasions.

There was a warm feeling which passed through Cameron. She always felt something 'special' around Savannah. It was love so intense and pure. It wasn't clouded, or driven, by anything physical, or physical actions.

Cameron wanted to keep things as simple as possible.

"Allison isn't going to have a baby anymore, at least for now. I think it best if we don't talk about it." Cameron said. "It can cause people to feel bad inside."

Savannah wondered about it.

"Why?" Savannah asked.

It was an honest question, so Cameron gave an honest answer.

"Death is painful to humans and machines who love them." Cameron explained.

Savannah remembered what Gail experienced.

"Is it why Gail was 'broken' for so long when Jesse 'went away'?" Savannah asked.

Cameron completely understood Gail's desire for termination.

"Yes." Cameron answered.

Savannah always knew Cameron would 'fix' Gail when she returned.

"Gail is better now. I want her and Jesse to study, or spend time, with me." Savannah said.

Cameron knew everyone liked to spend time with Savannah. She was the only one at the base without a glum attitude about life. Even though her life was full of tragic and traumatic events, they didn't define her. It was different with the baggage from the past, and the future, the rest of them carried around.

"They will, honey." Cameron said.

It left another question about Cameron.

"When are you going to have a baby, Cameron?" Savannah asked.

Savannah felt Cameron tense up.

Cameron felt the words stab her 'heart' and mind. They were innocent words but there was agony associated with them. She started to cry.

"I can't. I'm a machine. I'm worthless…." Cameron said.

Savannah knew her words caused Cameron's current response and condition.

"Cameron, I'm sorry." Savannah said.

Cameron looked at Savannah.

Savannah hugged Cameron with all her might. She tried to comfort her. She was aware she hurt Cameron deeply, even if it was accidentally. She should have chosen her words more carefully.

Savannah was very aware of what the future would yield. She understood someone would need to provide Cameron with a child. It was the only way Cameron could 'have' a baby.

"When I age more, I'll be able to have children, Cameron." Savannah said.

Savannah looked at Cameron and with pure sincerity and spoke her heart. Cameron told her, her body would tell her when she was ready. She didn't think it would be too much longer.

"I can have them for YOU when I get a little older." Savannah said. "I can do it for both of us."

Cameron knew the burden she laid on Savannah about wearing her wedding dress for John one day. It was really the only next logical step. It was something she wanted. She didn't want to push, even if she did want to reaffirm.

"You would do it for me?" Cameron asked.

Savannah smiled at Cameron.

"I will. I promise, Cammy." Savannah said.

Cameron tried not to question her motives.

"Thank you." Cameron said as she hugged Savannah.

Savannah could sense the positivity in Cameron. She made her intentions clear again.

"I promise, Cammy." Savannah said.

There was nothing Savannah wouldn't do for Cameron, NOTHING. She knew it wasn't too far away before her body would 'tell' her it was time to act. She planned to do it as soon as she was able to. It happened all the time in the third world, and its local extension, the inner city. She watched the news. She was educated. She knew her 'duty'.

Cameron cried, then cried some more. Savannah tried to comfort her and share her pain. She felt the darkness 'come' for her.

Savannah kept the darkness from 'taking' Cameron. There was a deep unspoken bond between them. She always kept the darkness from taking Cameron….

Cameron knew Savannah was the sunshine in her life. Savannah was always her ray of hope.

'House Of The Rising Sun' by 'The Animals', played in Cameron's mind.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Darkness

Darkness, empty, cold, hopeless
Creep into one's tender soul
Things that now seem a mountain
Were once only a small knoll

On the ragged journey through life
Before one is the intersection
Of Nowhere, Dead End, and No Outlet
Depriving one of affection and protection

Out of the cold fog and blinding darkness
There is a gentle guiding helping hand
To softly wipe away the tears of life
Without command, remand or demand

Everyone tries to make their own path
Wanting but trying not to remember
A blazing inferno can erupt
From a single smoldering ember

Everyone still has life and beauty
Raging fires can grow cold
Each day is soon gone forever
Live and share before everyone grows old

Nobody