Breathe deep, breathe clear
Know that I'm here, know that I'm here
Waiting
Stay strong, stay gold
You don't have to fear, you don't have to fear
Waiting
- Heart like Yours- Williamette Stone

The next day at breakfast, Lily joyfully beckoned me over, even though she was already swarmed by a bunch of people. She was very popular and not only in our year and our house. But I understood that very well, because she is a beautiful and pleasant person outside and inside.
I sometimes watched her the years before and did not dare to become closer friends with her. But that was about to change because I had decided to leave my comfort zone of reticence. I spent a lot of time thinking about myself and my future during the last summer holidays. I wanted to change and shed my insecurities that my childhood brought me. The last weeks at Hogwarts before the holidays started were decisive. I've often seen Mary since then, tormented by Mulciber. An me- helpless, first through the shock and inability to get over my fear and then really damn being fixed in place watching my friend suffer... I couldn't let go and neither did the letters Mary sent me from ST. Mungo, in which she assured me that she didn't hold grudges, that it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing I could have done, didn't change my mind. I knew I could have reacted sooner if I hadn't been so insecure about my abilities or inner strength. I sighed loudly at the thought, but no one heard me, everyone around me was busy and as so often not with me. So, I looked again at Lily, who was tucking her red hair behind her ear with her hand and laughing at a joke someone had made.
It was a bit strange, however, that she was hanging out with a seemingly unpleasant Slytherin like Severus Snape. Or was he different than he pretended to be? I couldn't imagine someone like Lily having a friend who wasn't good. Was that the reason I had stayed away from her until now? I didn't think I was good enough or special enough to be near her.
"Good morning, Catherine." she said gleefully, and asked me to sit next to her. I nodded at her and slowly sat down next to my new friend. But suddenly I saw Mary in our ranks. She gave me a quick smile before digging into her sparsely filled plate.

I was amazed, she hadn't even told me that she had been released from the hospital and would be at Hogwarts just a few days after school started. I was saddened by this because it showed me that we weren't as familiar as I thought we were after all. She was sitting next to Alice, but she only seemed to have eyes for her Frank and didn't notice me at all. In the meantime, the two of them were also holding hands in public.

I had to grin a bit about that, because at the beginning of their fresh relationship they were both very shy. It also took a long time until Frank finally dared to ask Alice for a meeting in Hogsmeade. Although this meant that I rarely had contact with Alice, I was very happy for them both. And at the same time, I wondered if I would also eventually find someone to whom I would give myself completely. A person who could love me as I am, with my flaws and habits.

Oddly enough, at this thought, my head wound toward the Slytherin table in search of a tall slender boy with black hair and dark eyes. He poked at his food sullenly while next to him Evan Rosier talked to him as if he was trying to convince him of something. He poked at his food sullenly while next to him Evan Rosier talked to him as if he was trying to convince him of something. Then he looked up briefly, his eyes hovering over Gryffindor's rows of food and chatter until his eyes fixed on the red hair next to me. Shaking my head, I unsuccessfully turned back to the sumptuous food and grabbed a piece of toast with a fried egg. Meanwhile, Lily had started a conversation about the upcoming Ordinary Wizarding Levels exams with Nayiri Chang, who was a year above us and was able to share her experiences. I overheard the conversation about the possible topics to be asked in Defense Against the Dark Arts this year.

Lily seemed to take me under her wing, because she grabbed my arm after we finished eating and we marched together to professor Slughorn in the dungeon. I saw Mary walking alongside Alice and Frank, laughing. Alice sure as hell knew Mary was back, I thought bitterly.

At that moment I felt lonelier than I had in a long time. So, I was extremely grateful that a popular student like Lily wanted to take care of me. Was she just a new object for her goodness? I pushed that thought away because I wanted to change. I wanted to think more lovingly of others and not immediately assume the worst. Besides, how could someone like Lily think of others like that? Maybe she really just thought I was nice and smart like she had told the Slytherin boy the day before?

"Are you really that excited about the upcoming exams? I kind of do, because it decides which courses we can continue and that in turn decides what we can do after Hogwarts." Lily interrupted my thoughts and tried to find out more about me.

"Do you already have an idea of what you want to do after Hogwarts?" I asked her curiously, although I knew that she certainly had high goals for her future.

"We don't have career counseling for a few weeks, but I think Auror sounds exciting but also dangerous. Maybe cursebreaker? It also sounds so exciting to deal with old curses and treasures. Ah, there are so many exciting possibilities in the wizarding world. For a moment I even thought about a position in the Ministry, but somehow office work is not what I can imagine for a lifetime. I like it a little more...exciting. And you? You seem like you already have a plan!" she blurted out and I watched in amusement as her eyelids trembled with excitement at all the possibilities that seemed to be handed to her on a silver platter. I sighed softly and looked briefly at Mary, because there was this event that gave shape to my career aspirations.

"Yes, but I'm afraid my grades won't be good enough for that. I somehow don't manage to get top grades in the subjects, I always stay at `Acceptable` or `Exceeded Expectations`." I replied a little dejectedly.

"In a subject like History of Magic I find an E exceptional to be honest." Lily laughed and her cheerfulness made me feel more confident, it was odd. "Also, you could just take part in our study groups. The exchange helps me a lot to think more deeply about some topics or to repeat sayings together. What do you think, come with me next week, we always meet on Thursday evenings in the library." She looked at me expectantly with wide light green eyes, her full lips forming a welcoming smile, but I hesitated.

Who is in the study group?" I asked uncertainly, because although I wished for more contacts, I didn't know if it might be too much.

"Dorcas Maedowes and Marlene McKinnon from Ravenclaw, Remus Lupin, Eleanor McClaggan, Leanne Jordan and I from Gryffindor, Wanda Smith and Owen Macmillan from Hufflepuff. But if that's too much for you, I also meet up with Sev a lot to study. He's unbeatable when it comes to potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"I'll think about it, Lily. Thanks," I replied evasively. As tempting as a 3-person study group was, I didn't feel welcome and the large group still seemed like too much to do at once, although I didn't rule out joining later.

"Gladly, Catherine. Just let me know or come by. It would be a pleasure for me!" she said, looking into my eyes to confirm the truth of her statement so that I had no doubts that she really wanted me there. A warm feeling spread in my heart, which I received happily, like one thirsting for attention and friendship.

We sat down in one of the back rows in the potion dungeon. Potions was my favourite subject, along with Herbology because I loved playing with the recipes and Slughorn was usually pleased with my results. Also, at the end of the school year, the Ordinary Wizarding Levels were coming up and I was eager to do as well as possible. Even though I was aware that an "Exceeded Expectations" would be quite sufficient for the advanced classes, my achievements would not be enough for an unparalleled in the NEWT, which I had to fulfil for my career aspirations. That's where the ambition the Sorting Hat saw in me came out, I suppose.
James Potter and Sirius Black sat in the front row because Slughorn was so good at keeping an eye on them. Sometimes they played unpleasant tricks on some students. I had already been their victim too. When my cauldron exploded and some students sprouted boils all over their bodies, including me, I didn't feel like laughing. That was the day in my first year at school when I knew I wanted nothing to do with James Potter and Sirius Black. To their left, I recognized the boy Lily had been talking to yesterday. Oddly enough, I couldn't tear myself away from the sight of him, even as Professor Slughorn explained the lesson material.
"Today you will try your hand at a slightly more difficult healing potion. But it is extremely useful and you should be able to do it well. The Skele Wax Potion. Who can tell me what this one is used for?" began Professor Slughorn.
I knew the answer, but I didn't speak up. I always left the center of attention in class to others. I was too insecure to risk making a mistake in my answers. The shame would have literally eaten me up. This was something I desperately needed to work on, it flashed through my mind. And this was why I questioned being brave like a lion. How was I going to cope with this immense self-insecurity outside of Hogwarts? Where I got it, I knew all too well.
Potions class went successfully despite my thoughts were elsewhere. Lily and I were some of the few who managed to make a very good skele wax in a short amount of time.
However, I noticed Lily's friend Severus watching us frequently. Under his gaze, I felt a tingling sensation on my skin, which I had trouble interpreting. It felt strange, cold and hot at the same time. I looked at him. There didn't seem to be anything special about him. He was tall, but his figure was quite gaunt. His fair skin stood out starkly against his dark hair that fell into his face. His eyes were almost black and had tremendous depth. I had the feeling of dissolving into them when he suddenly returned my gaze. He seemed interested, but at the same time averse. Why did I have the feeling that his gaze got under my skin? Why was I actually thinking about him? I watched out of the corner of my eye as Sirius surreptitiously threw something into Severus' cauldron. And before I could warn him, there was a loud hiss from Severus´ brew and he averted his eyes from me to look angrily at his cauldron and then at James and Sirius. The two of them couldn't keep a sneer off their faces. But Severus seemed to quickly fix this in his cauldron by throwing in some things that I couldn't see from my distance. And to my surprise, despite the incident, he received high praise from Professor Slughorn, earning a thin smile from Severus.
"Did you hear me, Catherine?" asked Lily loudly beside me and I reluctantly snapped out of my thoughts and observations.
"No, what did you say?" I asked confused, but she didn't blame me and smiled back at me.
"Whether we want to work together later on the homework, that Professor Slughorn just assigned us. On methods of making and effects of healing potions, using Skele Wax as an example." she explained to me patiently.
"Oh, I'd love to." I replied, wondering again where her sudden interest in my company had come from. Her beautifully shaped lips formed a new smile and her almond-shaped bright green eyes sparkled at me.
"Great. We now have Herbology with the Ravenclaws. I usually share seats with Marlene and Dorcas there. Would you like to join us?" she asked me. I didn't understand why she suddenly wanted to spend so much time with me. It made me feel insecure and I avoided her question:
"No, I mostly work with Mary and Alice. It's a rare opportunity to separate Alice and Frank."
"I understand." She packed up her things and now seemed to feel Severus' stares as well, because she gave him a quick grin as he watched our conversation.
"Oh, he must be a little disappointed that I chose you as my partner this school year. Up until now, I've always worked with him on a cauldron. But he'll know why. So, see you later, Catherine.", Lily Evans said lightly.
She already went ahead to the Greenhouses while I was still in the process of sealing my ingredients. When I put my ingredients in the bag and I saw Severus immediately walk towards Lily as she left her place. His walk was strange, creeping and somehow also amusing to watch. I had to smile. There was really something about him that interested me.

Arriving in the Greenhouse, I sat down as usual next to Alice and Mary, who now properly greeted me.
"Hey Mary, nice to have you back!" I said softly and put down my bag and found my protective gloves.
"Thank you, it took quite a while and unfortunately, I still have severe headaches on some days. But it'll be okay," she said, trying to smile but failing. It was strange because Mary used to be a person who smiled a lot. Now she seemed somehow more serious.
"And how was your vacation?" Alice asked me curiously. She actually knew about my situation at home, but she often seemed to forget it.
"Nothing special. Less arguments than usual maybe. Therefore, better than usual."; I replied vaguely. I didn't like to talk about my parents' house that much. It made me uncomfortable because Alice and Mary had both been lucky enough to grow up with money, so they often didn't really understand how I was doing. And they didn't really bother to fathom me either.
"And how was it with you, Alice?" I asked quickly to distract from myself and my problems. I put the strands of long hair that fell slightly on my forehead back behind my ear.
"Oh, I introduced Frank to my parents and grandparents. You know my grandparents are a bit old school. So, they were glad I found a pureblood, even if they would never openly admit it. But my parents are now considered blood traitors because they are also friends with muggle-borns. This has often caused problems between the generations. And my brother Florean hit it off with Frank straight away. But I didn't expect anything else." she answered with a thin smile. I often admired Alice for her confident manner. She didn't care what others thought of her as long as everything was to her satisfaction.
"And Frank's parents?" I asked.
"Well, there is only his mother Augusta and she was very pleased to finally meet me. I don't think I live up to her standards, but as she put it, as long as I don't stand in the way of her son's ambitious plans to become an Auror, she's fine with our union. Well, she didn't know then that Frank wasn't the only one who had these ambitious plans." Alice laughed and I joined while Mary's face barely moved.
Even if I found it strange that in this magical world one bonded with another person so early, I was happy for them both. Alice had had a soft spot for Frank since our first year when he stumbled over a root right into her arms. He was an awkward wizard at first, due to his clumsiness and his mother's demands on him. But ever since Alice was by his side, he shone with very good grades and unique talent when it came to Defense Against the Dark Arts, I had no doubt that their goals would be fulfilled.
"Hello class! Surely you have already noticed this beguiling scent and no, I haven't launched a new perfume. What you smell is the subject of today's lesson... the Flutterby Bush! Who can tell us about this?" Professor Hastings said in his usual loud voice and thus undercut our friendly exchange.

A few days passed before I found Severus Snape dangling in the air for the next time. It cost me a lot to help him again. But somehow, I also felt sorry for him.
He was not very popular, which I could understand after our last encounter. But what Sirius and James often did to him was way too much.
This time, though, he didn't seem so dismissive.
"Thanks. What are you doing here so late anyway?" he pressed out of his lips after I let him slide gently to the ground.
"I could ask you the same thing. Although, you seem to generally like hanging out somewhere, huh?" I see a slight smirk play around his lips and I was pleased that my sense of humour seemed to amuse him, it gave me an oddly warm feeling.
"Yes, unfortunately, I find it hard to escape Potter and Black's expressions of love. It's a kind of special attraction, I suppose.", he said in his piercing but quiet voice, which also carried a soft undertone. I liked the way he talked because I, too, spoke softly and didn't particularly like loud people who liked to hear themselves talk.
I looked hard at his face because it seemed strangely expressionless at this, but his dark eyes showed me his emotions. I saw pain in it and disappointment. He probably had imagined his life at Hogwarts differently. I imagined being harassed by two idiots all the time, no wonder he was so dismissive of me. I could have been as stupid as the Gryffindors he knew. Still, maybe he should be kinder to people especially if he didn't know them or couldn't assess them.
"Attraction? That's one way to put it. You should probably be less...how should I put it...so Slytherin-like to everyone. I know you can be nice. Otherwise, Lily wouldn't be so close with you." I said with a smirk on my face to take the bitterness out of my words, but unfortunately his face paled right in front of me, although I didn't expect that his originally fair complexion could get any whiter. Do I have the right to tell him that when I often don't know how to behave myself? I kept thinking too much about whether I was right or not. Whether I can suffice in this world with its magic and curses. But Severus didn't seem to give that a thought because he only stammers:
"What did... Lily... say about me?" His self-control instantly faded, and he looked uncertain and irritated. I briefly considered how I could relax him.
"Only that you became friends before Hogwarts. But she detested your friends with the black magic tendencies. And she's right about that, I think," I try to explain. He gulps and his jaw clenched while the lower jaw protruded slightly.
"That's none of your business!" he said firmly. Why is he so hostile? I had just helped him again, after all. I closed my eyes for a moment like I always do when I get mad.
"No, I guess you're right. And if you're not nicer to me next time, I'll just leave you hanging like your pureblood friends!", I replied now a bit unkindly.
We stared at each other for a moment before Severus nodded briefly. Was that an apology? Or was it like a hippogriff, which you had to look into the eyes of without blinking before they would accept you, according to Professor Kesselbrand, the teacher of magical creatures?
Severus suddenly picked up an old leather-bound book from the floor and stuffed it into his cloak before I could get a good look at it. Was I just discovering a shared passion for books outside of school material? Rarely have other students been interested in additional core material. On the contrary, many tried to dodge the simplest homework.
"I guess you're out here to read a lot, too?", I asked conciliatory.
"Yeah, it can get loud in our common room. And the library is crowded these days. I tend to like it quiet," he said in a low voice. He looked at me and his eyes literally bored into my face.
I felt myself blushing and his gaze unsettled me. Was that his intention? He also seemed to like looking behind the facade of others.
"You too, apparently?" he asked, pointing his long finger at my book on the use of healing herbs for curse injuries. I nodded. Strange, we were in this place for the same reason.
"Yeah, we've got James and Sirius running riot in the Gryffindor common room. I guess that's all I have to say, right?" I said with an annoyed undertone und rolled my eyes. Often one could not learn in peace because of them and had to look for other possibilities.
Severus grinned at my words and nodded curtly. I probably made it clear to him that I wasn't a fan of either of his adversaries which put him in a better mood and made him consider my book more closely.
"But that's not school matter." he stated in surprise, frowning at me.
"Like yours, I guess." I replied in a happy voice because I sensed that it was not without reason that he wanted to keep his lecture hidden from me. I grinned mockingly and watched him closely. His eyes narrowed to slits, looking at me with a strange expression. I saw through him and he probably didn't expect it.
"Don't get me wrong, I appreciate usually silent people. But I'm more used to being surrounded by chatters around here. And you're not particularly talkative, are you?", he asked and I had to laugh briefly that this comment came from him of all people. He added defiantly with raised eyebrows, "For a Gryffindor. I mean, they tend to be too talkative otherwise."
"You mean someone like James Potter and Sirius Black?" I asked him, eyebrows raised. Personally, I didn't hold the two in high esteem, but when I thought of the many other, mostly female Gryffindors, the situation was different.
"Yes, I suppose these are patterns of your house, aren't they?" he stated, and I felt a cold bitterness rising in his voice.
"It depends on who you ask. But I'm afraid I'm not a typical sample of my house. I would say that's my specialty," I stated in a low voice. Actually, his comment would have made me feel insecure and silent with anyone else, but he made me feel kind of like myself, even though he made me uncertain at the same time. And I didn't know if those two things I felt in his presence weren't actually mutually exclusive. I was confused.
Severus eyed me briefly and shook his head.
"You are really odd." Severus said, but if I had taken that as an insult coming from anyone else's mouth, I could tell by the twinkle in his eyes that it wasn't.
"Maybe, but I guess we have that in common then." I replied, smiling. "Being different is sometimes the better option."
"Yes, but it's something that can also weaken you. It makes you vulnerable." He looked at me with narrowed eyes.
"Maybe that's the challenge life throws at us, Severus… What are you afraid of?", l let my thoughts flow straight onto my tongue. Something like that was new to me. Otherwise, I weighed each sentence to see if it was worth it. Because I knew exactly what he meant by that - to be vulnerable, faulty if you didn't belong to a group of friends. Something we both seemed to want but didn't achieve.
He considered my question and clenched his hands into fists.
"Losing something that is important to me." A shadow suddenly crept across his face. While I wondered what exactly he meant by his answer, no less vague than mine, he gave me an oddly thoughtful look I saw his body stiffen. "I understand why Lily told me to be nice to you. You're kind of smart."
"Maybe you should sleep on that." I noted with amusement. A gust of air travelled down the ridge before it grabbed us and blew my hair right in front of my face. With quick movements, I cleared my gaze just around him to see him grin about my appearance. Or was he laughing at what I said? I couldn't make it out anymore. But he had called me smart, just like Lily. This inexplicably filled me with joy. But Lily asking him to be nice to me was kind of weird. Why exactly did she want that? Was it the same reason she suddenly became friends with me, after all these years of us being in the same bedroom and only exchanging superficial things?
"Well, enjoy your book. And... thanks for your help.", he said quietly and turned to leave.
I grinned broadly at him and continued walking to my usual reading spot. As I sat down and just in front of me, to my surprise I noticed that I could see him clearly under "his" tree on the other side of the lake. How long had we been spending time apart in our books?
I had never noticed him before, but that could mean nothing. Because once I opened a book, I was literally caught up in it. In a world of letters, my world, my wall to the outside.
But I could feel myself not quite finding my way to the book's contents this time.
My eyes strayed over to the other side of the grounds, to the tree under which a Slytherin was engrossed in his own book.