If I could go back in time

I'd shoot my shot

I'd risk it all

If I could go back in time

I'd shoot my shot

Just so I could have a chance with you

With you

You are always on my mind

Sitting here I am waiting

Ones like you they make me shy

Innocently intimidating

- chance with you by mehro

"Put down your feathers, please!" Professor Flitwick called. "You, too, Stebbins! Please stay seated until I collect the parchments! Accio!"
The scrolls of parchment from the Defense Against the Dark Arts exams flew over our heads at Flitwick, knocking him to the ground. A few students laughed, but he quickly got back to his feet with the help of two students in the front.
After we were allowed to leave, everyone chattering loudly. Lily quickly ran to me.
"How did you like it, Catherine? I had no problems. It was good that we prepared with Severus, wasn't it? He simply has the best overview in this subject."
"Yes, I'm also hoping for an 'Outstanding'. All the learning should have been worth it in the end." I said relieved. Even if I had no problems in the test, I was exhausted. I looked around, many of my comrades had dark circles under their eyes from studying until late at night. We were all quite taken by surprise by the requirements and the efforts weren't over yet because more examen were waiting for us. The tension in most was palpable, many were irritable.
"Where is Severus anyway? I just saw him." Lily asked, looking around in the Great Hall, whose long blackboards had disappeared and were swapped against our writing desks so that we sat one at a time.
"I'm sure he's busy analysing the questions again. You know him! He has to be sure that his novels were really correct.' I answered and had to smile at the thought of how much parchment he must have covered in his tiny, cramped handwriting in a short time. My gaze swept through the crowd, but I didn't see him.
"Come on, let's just go to the Black Lake like the others. Then we can catch our breath until the learning for transfiguration. The exam is the day after tomorrow and I would like to go through a few things again." said Lily not without excitement in her voice. After the exam was before the exam.
I nodded with a grin and slowly walked towards the lake with Lily while we thought about what we would do together during the holidays.
"You're welcome to visit me for a few weeks if you still want. My parents don't mind. But maybe my sister, unfortunately she's not enthusiastic about magic. But she's probably spending a lot of her holidays with a boy she's met. His name is Vernon, I hope to meet him soon."
"That's very kind of your parents, Lily. Yes, I'm afraid otherwise I'll have to listen to my parents' many arguments again. Then we can also do something and save Severus from the same problem."
"Yes, that's right. You two have some things in common in that direction." she stated quietly and looked at me with pitying eyes. I tried to avoid her gaze and stared at the stone floor in front of me. I was still uncomfortable showing that side of myself to Lily because she had such wonderful parents and was raised so lovingly. An uncomfortable feeling rumbled in my stomach.
"I have to go to the girls' toilet. Go ahead meanwhile." I interjected to buy myself a few minutes alone.
Lily nodded and walked slowly towards the lake. I rushed to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. What kind of situation is this? I'm jealous of my best friend. To everything she has: a great family, great talent and the love of Severus. I tried to suppress the last point. What should I care? Severus loved Lily, not me. I finally had to get rid of these negative feelings. I didn't like them. I took a quick look in the mirror again. Drops of water fell down from my nose.
When I got to the Black Lake, I saw the full horrific scene I had missed in the beginning. James and Sirius stood across from Severus and Lily. Severus just fell to the ground. I quickened my steps and saw Severus scrambling to his feet, wiping foam from his mouth. His eyes were filled with hatred, his hands clenched into fists. I had never seen him like this before. When I was within earshot, I heard what I never thought possible.
"I don't need the help of a filthy mudblood like you!" Severus exclaimed, pointing at Lily.
Could he really have said that? To Lily? Can he dare?
She slowly turned to face him, her hands clenched into fists.
I quickened my steps, my heart pounding wildly.
"Fine, then I don't care in the future. And I'd wash my underpants if I were you, Snivellus!" Lily's voice was so cold it made my blood run cold, her eyes sparkling with disgust at Severus. Lily looks furious like I've never saw her before.
"Apologize to Evans!" James Potter yelled.
"No, I don't want YOU to make him apologize. After all, you are just like him."
I muffled the rest of the conversation, feeling nauseous and sagging slightly. I watched as Lily tossed her red hair and stomped off in the other direction, her footsteps powerful and quick so I couldn't see her face anymore.
What was going on here? My friends fought in public? That couldn't be. Then what will become of us? After all, they are my best friends, my family. My eyes went black and I tried to catch myself.
After a few strong breaths, a few snippets of speech got through to me again.
"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit of a conceited show-off, mate." Sirius offered. James looked very angry.
"Right. Who wants to see me take off Snivelly´s pants?" James called out and with a flash of light Severus hung back in his usual position – upside down. Foam spurted out of his mouth again, so he couldn't say anything.
Even though Severus had just done something unforgivable, it wasn't the right kind of punishment.
"Stop it!" I yelled, pushing past the surrounding students.
"It's enough! Do you really think you're bettering him if you keep torturing him? And always two against one? It's only going to get worse, James. And if you want to impress Lily, then I have a tip for you: it takes brain! But you're missing that obviously. So, better work on that! Otherwise, I guess I'll have to start torturing you and your friends a little bit so you can feel it too!"
I pointed my wand menacingly at Potter, who blanched. Black stepped between us and raised his wand as well. The mood was tense. In my head I searched for a suitable spell. The students around us held their breath, spellbound.
"Do you have a little girlfriend, Snivellus? Sweet how she stands up for you. Want her to keep you company up there?" Sirius asked loudly and sneering.
"Leave it, Sirius! She is right. This guy's not worth it. He's a loser anyway." James exclaimed. Sirius stared at him in disbelief.
"You just want to spare her because she's a friend of Lily's, right?" Sirius asked quietly.
James nodded and spoke softly to Sirius, who now lowered his wand but continued to study me.
They left after a few breaths and the crowd of students slowly dispersed. I breathed a sigh of relief. But a lot of thoughts were circling in my head.
"Finite Incantatem." I pointed the wand at Severus, who slid to the floor and found his voice without foam again.
"Don't think I'm grateful to you. You're just a dirty mudblood as everyone else. You will all see who the true great wizard is. They won't even look at people like you anymore."
Anger swelled within me, washing away all restraint.
"That's enough for me, Severus! With all the sympathy I feel for you. It's getting worse with you! What are you talking about? What are you hoping for? Friends? Love? I know you and it's not you! You are losing yourself, Severus! Why don't you see that?" I yelled at him, but I couldn't get any further because my throat tightened.
Tears streamed down my face, I turned away quickly so he couldn't see my suffering. But as I ran, I felt his eyes piercing me.

I tried to calm down and looked for Lily but she was no longer to be found on the premises. But Dorcas saw me looking and called out that Lily ran into Gryffindor tower. And that's where I found her- in our dormitory. A few of our classmates had gathered around her to comfort her. But they move away when they saw me. I took Lily in my arms and stifled my own pain. She cried silently on my shoulder and I stroked her red hair soothingly. We kept to ourselves for the rest of the day.
"How could he say such a thing? I thought he would change." She sniffed softly.
"I think he was so angry at the moment that he wasn't thinking. You know his animosity towards James and Sirius." I explained in a soft voice and tried to calm myself with it. He hadn't meant it all, he was ready for the trials, the enmity with Black and Potter... but did it all really justify such an insult and ideology? I bit my lower lip painfully because I knew the answer.
"He's been thinking far too little lately!" she scolded.
"Severus was trying to change. For you." I said truthfully, my throat tightened, making it difficult to breathe.

"For me?" Lily asked while wiping her face to dry her tears. I nodded imperceptibly.
"Didn't you ever notice? How he looks at you? He only has eyes for you." I said, trying to suppress the bitterness in my voice. Lily was silent for a moment as if she were carefully weighing the content of my words in her thoughts', her gaze was fixed on the wall behind me.
"No. I hoped so for a while, but he never said anything about it. He...I... Well, it's too late for that now." her voice sounded higher than usual and somehow flippant.
"Do you love him too?" I asked in a choked voice. She shook her head and now looked into my eyes.
"I had feelings for him. Previously. Before he started all this mudblood shit. How can I love someone who hates people like me? Someone who accepts black magic against muggleborns and muggles? Offended me? How can I still be friends with him?" she said angrily. I gasped, these were exactly the questions I was asking myself. All I could say was it hurts like hell.
Suddenly we heard footsteps and froze. It was Mary looking at us tired, with raised eyebrows and folded arms.
"This Snape is outside the common room making a huge fuss. He's dying to see you, Lily."
"He can forget about that," Lily said pitilessly.
"He threatens to sleep in front of the entrance to our tower." Mary stated and rolled her eyes at this seemingly pointless persistence
Lily looked at me briefly, I gave her an encouraging nod as my heart broke into a thousand pieces.
He only wants to talk to her, not to us, not to me.
Lily sighed loudly and got up, put on a dressing gown and went to sighed loudly
Why was he only thinking of her? Did his friendship with me mean so little to him? Why? Tears ran down my cheeks, I tried to suppress all feelings in me, but I couldn't.
I pounded my fists against the cold stonewall. My feelings for him meant nothing to him, I meant nothing to him.
This realization was so far-reaching for me that at that moment I saw completely clearly again and knew what I had to do. I knew in that moment that I had to let him go. I had to think of myself. I couldn't be by his side any longer, knowing that Lily was the only thing that mattered to him. He would never look at me the way he looked at her. I finally had to accept it. And since my friendship wasn't worth anything to him either, I didn't have to torture myself any further.
I got up, wiped my tears away with my sleeve and went to bed. I sat tensely with the decker over my body because I was starting to tremble all over.
A few minutes passed before Lily returned to the dormitory. My body spasmed as Lily sat down next to me on the bed.
"I haven't forgiven him. He just disgusts me. He hasn't even denied that he and his friends want to become Death Eaters. I deeply despise him for it. Forever."
We were silent together until we fell asleep.

After our last exam in Transfiguration, which I was able to fixate on with great effort,I spent most of the few days of the rest of the school year with Lily on the beautiful grounds of Hogwarts, distracting ourselves from the big falling out with Severus. We swam in the lake with the others, watched the Giant Squid or chatted with Hagrid, who Lily had become friends with over the years.
"You know Lily, James often visits me here in the woods with his friends. I know you don't think much of the boy, but I think you'll get along well once you get to know him better, huh?" He said over a cup of tea, grinning at Lily.
"And his friend Remus isn't a bad boy either. He's smart." Hagrid said to me.
"Oh Hagrid, did he enlist you to talk me out about him in the meantime?" Lily asked annoyed, but I saw her smile slightly at the thought of him. I took a sip of my tea before intervening.
"I don't know, Hagrid. I always see them messing around - be it in the common room or in the corridors. You could hardly go to class at the beginning of the school year without hanging in the hallways or receiving other curses. And I know they started it."
"Oh, that's just a harmless joke. Don't take it so seriously, they're still young and have a few fluffs in the head, don't they?" said Hagrid, amused, waving his hand in front of his face at my objection.
I thought about it. Even Severus has his nonsense in his head, although others are the bums.
"You're probably right, Hagrid. Although a lot of things aren't just harmless." I stated. Lily gave me a sharp sideways glance, knowing who I was thinking of. I blushed slightly.
"Hagrid, I think we need some distraction. Do you perhaps have another task for me? I'd like to take Catherine with me." Lily said suddenly.
I looked at her in astonishment and Hagrid stopped pouring tea for us too.
"Don't worry, I trust her," she added at his irritated sight.
"Well, there's something I need some help with. Aragog's injured and I need to change his bandages." Lily clapped her hands.
"Great. You couldn't find anyone better as Catherine. She has great talent when it comes to healing magic, doesn't you?" I looked at her in astonishment.
"Who is Aragog?" I asked.
"You'd better ask what is Aragog?" Lily laughed. "So, tonight around 11 p.m.?" she asked.
Hagrid nodded happily. "Very good. So I'm looking forward to your help. But not a word to anyone, yes?"
"Of course, Hagrid. As always."
As we both walked back up to the castle for dinner, I asked in a whisper, "What does that mean? We are not allowed to sneak out of the castle at night to go to the Forbidden Forest."
"Oh, don't worry. I've met Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest many times. Severus was never enthusiastic about it and didn't go along with it either. But you're in Gryffindor."
We entered the Great Hall, there was a great bustle around us, everyone was excited because they were going home in two days.
"That doesn't mean I'm being headless," I said to Lily.
"Outrageous!" shouted the headless Nick behind us and rushed past us. We burst out laughing. It was good to laugh so carefree.
"No, seriously Lily. I don't want to risk to be expelled." I said after a while. It would be the worst thing for me to be expelled from the world of magic, completely unthinkable to risk it.
"You sound just like Severus," she said in a disappointed voice.
Yes, Severus and I didn't believe in breaking rules unnecessarily. I didn't know until now that Lily liked doing this. But Lily accepted my opinion just as she had accepted Severus' earlier.

Even the summer holidays couldn't help me organize my thoughts or let my feelings cool down. I was full of anger and desperation, hate and love. All so close together that it left me with one great confusion.
Lily and I wrote a lot of letters to each other. She had invited me to her home, but I couldn't bear the close proximity to him. So I wrote to her that my parents wanted me to be there during the holidays, although I hadn't even asked their opinion. At least they argued less because they had decided it was better to keep quiet. So, that prevented physical escalations during the time I was staying with them.