White sails and off shore lights
We were passing ships in the night
Now I'm tracing shadows on your back
Like I dreamt so many times
Oh, for so long I've been waiting
For so long, for a love like this
And I was so sure, baby
I'd lost you for a minute but
There's the sweetest
Spring at my door
Can you feel it?
Just the same as before
Many years have gone by
But I knew you'd come
Quietly keeping
This hope in my heart
Prayed the night bring
Back what I lost
Many years have gone by
But I never forgot
- Quietly yours by Birdy

The next evening, we stood together in the kitchen. It was a small room with just about a stove, oven, fridge, sink and some crockery. It was kept in a yellowed beige, which even a good cleaning magic no longer let shine. I was aware that Eileen Prince was already standing here. Severus avoided talking about his mother or father. But I knew she wasn't good at cooking as her husband forbade magic in the house. So, it was more like bread with some cold cuts and not much of that either, because she couldn't find a job in the Muggle world without an education or a degree. For while her magic was terrific, her Muggle skills were very limited. His father Tobias brought money from the factory, but he preferred to spend it in the bars next door than leave it to his family. So, Severus was often hungry and learned to get by with little food, so that even until now he never felt a particular appetite or even hunger. His clothes, too, were often dirty, third hand, and barely fit him. Often left to his own devices, he quickly learned that independence from others ensured his survival. I sighed at the thought that he kept all this a secret from me until we became lovers, and I asked him explicitly. I could feel him struggling to even tell me, but he knew he could trust me, I would never judge him or his parents, or maybe worse, feel sorry for him. The only thing I was sorry for was that he didn't open up to experience the opposite. Even to Lily he only told half of what he experienced as a child in this house. He told me that one of the things that bothered him most as a child was the thought of what his mother could have done or become without the Muggle by her side. His hatred of Muggles was fueled by this, and the mindset of most pure-blood Slytherin families then did their best to encourage him to do so.

Lost in thought I unpacked a few ingredients that I had stashed in my suitcase.
"You cook?" he asked me amused. A smile formed on his lips as if he wanted to laugh at me. His eyes sparkled mockingly. I loved that look on him as much as I enjoyed surprising him with my skills
"A little bit." I replied with a smile. He went to a shelf and pulled out a dusty bottle of wine. I nodded appreciatively.
"Dumbledore knows what I appreciate. Every year he gives me a few bottles of it. I rarely have such a pleasant opportunity to open them," he stated softly, uncorking the elf made wine with his wand while I waved mine to prepare us some food.
"If he knew with who you're drinking it right now." I laughed sardonically.
"What he doesn't know doesn't bother him. Right?" Severus smirked mischievously. This secrecy annoyed us, but somehow it also gave a spark of spice at times.
Gently, with a flick of my wand, the filled plates flew to the old rickety dining table.
"It looks delicious!" Severus stated in amazement and swung himself noiselessly into a chair across from me.
"You obviously expected something else." I said amused and looked at him.
"I don't cook myself. I think it's… a waste of time."
"Well, you get spoiled at Hogwarts. I often cooked on my days off from St. Mungo's. It kept me busy." I replied, watching Severus ecstatically enjoy his meal.
"You're surprising me again!" he said softly and we toasted with the blood-red wine.
"It is a pleasure. I like the look on your face when I do that." I said with satisfaction and a cheeky smile played on my lips. Severus' gaze wandered to my mouth, eyes flashing before turning back to his plate.
When we were done with our dinner, he asked me "You never told me what you did on your days off from St. Mungo's." I avoided his scrutinizing gaze, because this wasn't a happy time for me.
"I mostly avoided taking days off."
"Why?" he asked emotionlessly. I knew he wanted to shed the best possible light on my time without him. He wanted everything from me, just as I wanted everything from him. But I considered telling him the truth. Did I seem too desperate then? I decided to be as honest with him as possible.
"After my friends died, I was very lonely. I didn't want to think or feel. I was… lost."
Severus studied my face. He was silent for a while. His jaw clenched tightly. It was a sign that he was harbouring negative thoughts.
"What's on your mind, Severus?" I asked in an encouraging voice. Was he hiding something from me? Shit, I was still questioning his motives. Why? Why didn't he trust me? After he showed me all about his. But was it all or just what he was willing to reveal? But I didn't want to tell Severus that I was struggling inside. Because I still had the feeling that he needed to confide in me about something else that he had kept hidden until now. And I hoped that he would be ready for that soon. And me too. Severus abruptly interrupted my thoughts about us like he read my mind.
"I have to tell you something, Catherine. And I hope you don't see me differently afterwards. I...just didn't get around to telling you sooner." He exhaled audibly.
"What is it, Severus?" I sensed that it had to be something important because he looked visibly moved, which he usually had well under control. I held my breath in anticipation.
"You know, I was the person who volunteered to spy on you." He began and looked uncertainly into my eyes, air noisily pressed out of his mouth. I took his hands in mine.
"But only so nobody else does it and you can control it." I agreed. Severus nodded; his eyes didn't turn away.
"When I saw you kissing Prewett in the woods... it broke me." he began in a deep low voice while I swallowed. Not only had he snapped the branch to warn me, but he also interrupted us.
I bit my lower lip, Severus following the movement he knew all too well in me.
"No, don't blame yourself. I beg, how should you know my feelings when I couldn't believe them myself." he said quietly, gently resting his forehead on mine and I closed my eyes. How much easier would it have been if we had just talked openly when we were in school? How might it have changed everything?
"Knowing that I had lost you forever, like Lily, I became completely absorbed in the Dark Lord's machinations. I questioned no more because it was all I had. My way of darkness." his voice was deep and cracked. I opened my eyes and saw his begin to glisten with tears, but Severus was holding back his emotions, as he always did when they overcame him.
"You know that after you, Dumbledore was the target. And one evening I tracked him into the Hog's Head. There he met Sybill Trelawney."
Severus stopped and looked at me inquiringly. I nodded, wanting him to continue.
"I listened at the door as she made a momentous prophecy to Dumbledore. But I only heard the beginning. `The One with the power to defeat the Dark Lord draws near. Born to those who have defied him thrice, born when the seventh month dies.' And before I could hear the rest, the bar owner's hand grabbed me and he threw me into the street, though I protested to him on the way going to the toilets." He fell silent and watched my expression of shock with wide eyes.

"No. Severus, don't say that's the prophecy that Lily..." My mouth dropped in horror, I shook my head, not wanting to hear it.
"Indeed."

I saw the disgust at himself in his eyes as he looked at the floor in silence for a moment.

"I didn't know who exactly this prophecy was talking about. When I reported this to the Dark Lord, I received the Dark Mark and was a member of the inner circle. And at the same time, I was dooming Lily and her family to death…" Severus cleared his throat slightly, for his voice now failed entirely.
My breathing became shallow from the tension in my body. He was responsible for Voldemort targeting the Potters. James, Harry and my best friend Lily. The man I loved had my best friend handed over to die, along with Sirius Black's betrayal. Without wanting to, but he did it. It was like someone was ramming a dagger into my heart, my whole body was shaking and I was in shock, I couldn't feel my hands or my legs, it was like my mind was detached from my body, the seconds suddenly passed in slow motion and I tried to clear my head as quickly as possible.
"Severus, that...I..." My heart seemed to stop for a moment from the pain. I knew my expression must have taken on a hideous grimace because Severus' eyes turned sad. And he turned away from me and walked slowly around the kitchen table to look out the window at the empty street, jaw clenched so he wouldn't have to see my suffering. Or so I wouldn't see him suffer?
"Now you understand why I owe it to Lily to protect her son. I am responsible for her death. My guilt can never be atoned for. Nevertheless, I would like to try to do a little of it. I have to fulfil my task. That's the only way I can forgive myself."
He looked at me and I met his gaze and recognized the disappointment in himself. I considered what he was revealing to me about his intense feelings of guilt and tried to get my thoughts clear. He seemed sincere and it was right to preserve Lily's legacy. But wasn't I just as much to blame as he was? It was my inability to stand up for him and my feelings after his falling out with Lily in our fifth year. I had seen him suffer. The boy I loved so much - tormented by unspeakable pain. Physically by James and Sirius and psychologically by the absence from Lily and me in his life.
"Severus, I'm honestly shocked. About what happened and how you had to live with it all these years. Alone with such an enormous debt." I felt deep sympathy for him because I knew him well enough by now to know how much he had already suffered.
"Not all alone. I swore to Dumbledore that I would give my life for this task. And... I intend to keep my vow. I know what all this is costing me. But if you can already accept my deed, can you also endure this?" Dumbledore- he bound Severus to his fate and his plans through his guilt. But could I be angry about that? The wrongs demanded redress, and Severus owed it to Harry to stand by him when he actually had to face Voldemort. And was I willing to help? There could only be one answer to that.
"I understand it and I will support you, Severus. And we'll both help her son Harry. Together." I said firmly. We faced each other, only the kitchen table separated us.
"And you still want to be with me?" he asked with a breaking voice. That was the question, the answer to which he feared more than ever.
"Yes."
His whole body was shaking, he had to hold on to the kitchen chair. A loud sigh of relief escaped him.
"Severus, what?"
"I was afraid that if you knew the full truth then…" He was so upset inside that his voice broke. He looked at me, his eyes filling with tears which he tried to suppress.
"Am I leaving you again?" I asked in disbelief, my mouth hanging open.
"Yes." he said in a deep voice and looked at me uncertainly.
"Never, Severus. I'm not a weak girl anymore. I wasn't by your side then. But let it be me now." My eyes were on him. I saw his body straighten up again.
He knocked over his kitchen chair, which fell noisily to the floor. He rushed around the table and hugged me tightly. His relief was palpable. Rocks fell noisily from his heart. We hugged for a long time, and he respectfully kissed my forehead.
He wiped a tear from his face and watched it in disgust. "You're making a crybaby out of me."
"Well, maybe a little more access to your feelings would be nice." I grinned at him.
"Only when I'm with you," he stated, gently stroking my cheek with his hand.
"One more thing!" he said quietly as he pulled away from me.
"What?" What else could there be? I was scared, but his face told me it was more of a question for me. Something he really wanted to know from me.
"Occlumency. How proficient are you at it?"
"Not good. I practiced it a little." I explained with raised eyebrows. Why did he want to know?
"I need to know exactly with whom?" he insisted. Oh, he knew, but I want to hear it out of my mouth. Why did he want to cause himself pain? I bit my bottom lip.
"With Gideon, but we didn't have much time." I cleared my throat while Severus gave me a knowing look. A spark of jealousy flickered in his eyes, but there was none of it in his voice.
"Then we'll practice together. It's for your safety. Not just against the Dark Lord." he said firmly, frowning.
"Who are you thinking of?" His seriousness scared me a little. Who could be more dangerous than Voldemort?
"It's just useful when you can protect your mind from all people, who use Legilimency. You know if you're willing to stay with me then we have to keep our relationship a secret. Otherwise, it is too dangerous. And nobody should know about us. Neither does Dumbledore. He doesn't appreciate it very much when something thwarts his plans that he didn't set in motion himself." he said in a deep voice and looked straight into my eyes.
"Don't you think he brought me to Hogwarts for a reason?" I asked. He looked at me thoughtfully, suddenly he smiled.
"Yes, maybe you're right. Considering you as the new Head of House could be an excuse. But what else would he want?" Severus asked.
"I don't know. But he knows our connection from school days."
"But not our true feelings for each other- we didn't even know about each other. And if- do you think he wanted us to find each other? To distract me from his plans with the boy? I doubt that's what he intended." Severus explained with a slight grin.
"Yes, you're certainly right," I agreed.
"Why do you distrust Dumbledore? You never spoke disparagingly of him when you were at school," Severus stated, looking at me intently, capturing every expression. I thought for a moment before replying to Severus, for my answer was painful.
"I found during my time in the Order that he couldn't protect us. I don't know if he even tried. We all sacrificed ourselves for his plans and some... too many died."
"But didn't he tell you about the dangers?" Severus asked, frowning.
"He did. But he didn't show them to us. And we were too young to fully understand."
"Would you have made a different decision today?" His voice was soft and calm.
And I rummaged in my head. But haven't I already decided?
"No, but it would have been a more adult decision and not that of a naive child." I stated. My voice sounded strained, and he could feel it. Slowly, his hand ran lovingly over the back of my head before kissing my forehead.
"We were all naive kids," he whispered. I nodded.
"Shall we begin?" he asked in a low voice after a while. His eyes narrowed, he looked tense.
"Now?" I was surprised that he wanted to start immediately with practise and wondered if he had something specific in mind.
"Why not?" He tried to sound relaxed, but I heard the opposite in his voice. I thought about asking him about it, but I sensed that it would be revealed soon.
"But it might reveal things to me that you'd rather keep to yourself," he said in a low voice, looking down uncertainly.
"You know me and my past. There is nothing I have to hide. And you?" I answered with complete conviction. He knew all about me.
"I don't hide any more secrets." Severus looked at me thoughtfully. Our eyes locked on each other. But I tried to convey the trust I felt for him, for us.
I nodded and reminded me of what I already knew and could do. So, I tried to clear my mind and push my emotions aside. But that wasn't easy to execute when my heart was pounding at the sight of Severus.
He looked at me with piercing eyes. I suddenly saw memories of my meeting Gideon flashing by in my head. How he took my hand, how I thought about Severus when we first met, our first kiss in the woods. The sound of the branch snapping, the affection and love in Gideon's eyes as we lay together on his couch and his hands wandered over my body...
"Severus, no!" I raised my wand and pointed it at him.
"Very good! That was a good start," he said, his voice hoarse. He avoided my gaze, his mouth open in a touch of horror at what he was seeing.
"If you want to know what happened between Gideon and me back then, you could have asked," I stated. I tried to catch him, to let his jealousy fizzle out. Shit, it was something better kept secret from him. But it was part of me, Gideon is also a part of me that I would never want to be without.
"I know. I must have been jealous." He looked down, confused and unsure.
"Jealous of a dead man?" I asked in disbelief, my voice sounding angrier than I intended. I kept my past with Gideon locked away in a part of my heart. I knew it was my past, but it might as well have been my future. The chance was there, but it was far behind me.
"Yes. It disgusts me myself." He grimaced in antipathy.
"Why?" I asked without resentment. I knew Severus was having a hard time accepting that I was in a relationship with a man before him. But I didn't know the exact reason.
He avoided my gaze.
"What are you afraid of?" I asked in more detail. He wanted to turn away, but I grabbed his collar and looked at him.
"For you loving him more than me," he replied in a low voice. "I want to be the only man in your life. I know, it is ridiculous."
"No. I understand very well. I was jealous of your love for Lily back then too. But like you and Lily, my love for Gideon laid in the past. My love for you wasn't just in the past. I love you in the present and in the future." I told him and kissing his lips softly. The warmth of my skin made Severus flinch, but he wrapped his arms around me again. He wanted to feel me even closer to him. Two people united in love. Complete. We now knew every detail of each other. We both opened up, shared our fears and mistakes, and neither of us was put off. On the contrary, we gained an indescribably deep connection. Nobody should separate us. Neither does our past. Never.

On my birthday I woke up alone in the big bed where I usually felt his warm body against mine. I stretched and my hand sought him out before opening my eyes.
"Good morning and happy birthday, Catherine." said a deep voice above me. I looked at his smiling face and couldn't help but grin.
"Since when do you care about birthdays?" I asked him in a tired voice, lifting my upper body slightly to see a breakfast tray with scrambled eggs, some bacon and a cup of coffee. My favourite breakfast. Beside it lay a small box wrapped in silver paper with a red ribbon. He continued to smile as he followed my gaze.
"Open it," he said, and I noticed he was suppressing his impatience. So, I did as I was told. When I tore off the paper, I recognized a jewellery box and I quickly opened that too with excitement. Inside was a small silver amulet on a chain.
He nodded and indicated that something was hidden inside.
When I opened the filigree piece of jewellery, inside was a pressed Heliotrope on the right side and an intertwined C&S on the other.
"You know I'm not good with emotional words..." he said in a low voice and looked at me uncertainly. I nodded.
"I love you too, Severus, always and forever." I said, feeling a tear of luck and love slide down my cheek. He leaned in and kissed the tear while his hand gently cupped my other cheek. It was a gentle and loving gesture that made me feel his love. Through my whole body, my heart, and my soul.
"Put the chain on me please, Severus," I whispered softly, looking into his beautiful deep eyes, into which I was still lost. He had completely conquered me. I was his and I knew it was the other way around too.
On this day we walked along the dark river, past the old big industrial tower that rises up in iron. We could live together as a couple without being observed. And I loved living everyday life with him. Falling asleep and waking up with him in my arms. Having breakfast together, the many conversations, his sarcastic remarks, which always made me laugh or which I comment equally sarcastic. Severus doesn't like crowds any more than I do and prefers quiet and seclusion. So, we loved reading and sharing his many books on magic and its uses in his living room. Most of the time our bodies were touching. Either his head was on my lap, we were holding hands, or we were leaning against each other. Physical contact with each other was as important to us as breathing. As if we both felt the need to make up for lost time together. We also caught up on the passion and desire of the past few years. There's not a day that we don't live them out. Our souls and bodies formally desire this union.
We also liked to go for walks here. I was amazed that he consistently held my hand in his. With intertwined hands he showed me where he grew up, where he experienced suffering, but can now feel so much joy with me at his side. We were left without our robes that we wore at Hogwarts. He still preferred to wear black, but Severus seemed so much more approachable without his baggy cloak he wore at Hogwarts. It was like he put on his guards or a costume to slip into his role as a scary teacher. So that nobody gets too close to him and that he doesn't have to open up.
And I was so happy that I was one of the few people who really knew him. Besides me there was only Albus, Minerva and Filius. Although the latter two did not know his entire past as death eater. That was something he didn't like. But it was safer that way. In general, the safety of his loved ones was so important to him.

/ Thank you for reading and your support! I hope you like this story, because I have so many ideas for it and love to write it./