During the last week of the summer school holidays I received a letter from Remus. The owl tapped gently on the window pane as Severus and I were eating breakfast. He gave the owl a raised eyebrow before letting her in. She flew past him and dropped her letter on my plate of scrambled eggs.
"By whom?" Severus wanted to know immediately.
"From Remus," I said, opening the envelope. "He asked me if we could meet for dinner before school started." I grinned, looking forward to seeing him again.
"Lupin? What will he?" Severus asked, frowning.
"The same as you, I guess." I answer and laughed at him mischievously, because a strange expression was immediately visible on his face.
"My company," I added smugly as he was about to open his mouth in protest. Severus shook his head before a large owl darted through the window and dropped a letter in his lap. He opened the envelope on the front of which was written his name in a curly handwriting.
"And you?" I asked no less curiously than he.
"Similar," he said, and now it was his turn to grin mischievously.
"Remus invited you to a dinner too?" I asked, trying to be serious. Severus looked at me and smirked.
"Lucius Malfoy." I stopped grinning when he said the name. It was the man who brought Severus into the Death Eater Guild. Severus immediately read my expression.
"Do not worry. He has his tail tucked in after the falling from the Dark Lord and only howls lightly. I'm supposed to be at their mansion for dinner. It's an old tradition that they invited me one week before the new term. So that I can see my godson and give him a gift even though his birthday is in June. And they're sure I'll favour their son when it comes to Hogwarts. It kind of worked out that way." he explained as he folded the letter and placed it on the old wooden table.
"And is Lucius Malfoy still your friend?" I asked uneasily.
"I suspect he thinks so. But we've kept in rather loose contact since the fall of the Dark Lord. I'm no longer useful enough for his time. Narcissa, on the other hand, occasionally writes me letters to tell me how great her offspring is. I guess she really believes in it." he said and clasped his hands behind his back. "Do you have an idea what to give a spoiled boy for his 9th birthday who already has everything?" asked Severus and took a sip of tea.
"A heart? I suppose his family lacks on it?" I said coolly.
Severus almost spat out his tea but settled it into a fit of coughing.
"That would be too much, I'm afraid." Severus admitted with a grin.
"Then a book about good social behaviour?" I ask with a sideways glance at the bookshelves in the living room.
"Seriously, please!" Severus watched me while I thought. I leaned back a little, my fingers toying with my coffee saucer.
"Hm, it's definitely even harder than finding a present for Harry." I stated.
"A present for Potter? You… give him something?" he asked me with wide eyes, his facial expression was confused for a moment before he composed himself.
"Yes, every year on his birthday I send a package to the Muggles he lives with. I include a birthday card with congratulations, but I never sign. Dumbledore finally forbade me from interfering in his life," I said, thinking about what wonderful gifts Lily and James would have given their son if they had been allowed to. How much love and affection Harry Potter would have received and I fervently hoped he would get at least half of it. But thinking of Petunia and Lily's tales of her, I could only wish the boy luck. Sometimes I wondered if I should have been more assertive about Dumbledore back then. But I was so broken by my painful losses, I was a mess, probably unable to take care of a small child properly.
"What did you get him?" Severus asked, looking at me with those beautiful deep eyes. His mouth was slightly open with tension.
"I've always made sure it's Muggle-style. Three years ago, it was a toy train, then some books and this year a camera." I didn't know if he liked any of it at all. Maybe I was completely wrong with my ideas? But over the years I thought that I would soon be able to face him personally and get to know him. I wanted so badly to hug my best friend's child. But now that I have to keep myself hidden from Voldemort, I didn't know if that was in store for me in the future.
"Oh god, I hope the boy knows how to read." Severus interrupted my thoughts and I grinned. Severus knew how to cheer me up. His scathing comments - simply delicious.
"He's Lily's son!" I said, laughing.
"But Potter's too!" Severus stated, his jaw clenched. Yes, he was right. James wasn't a bookworm. That's when I had an idea for the Malfoy boy, though I didn't know if Severus would like my answer.
"Time for Draco! Time with you, Severus. Do something with him. Without pressure to perform or expectations. Do something together," I replied. He leaned back in his chair, his eyebrows rose thoughtfully.
"Yes, very well, Catherine. What do you have in mind?" he asked me in a calm voice. He looked at me and clearly enjoyed watching me think. I suspected that he long had an idea of his own, but wanted to see what flashes of inspiration I was capable of.
"Something ordinary. Like the Zoo or an amusement park." I thought out loud, a finger slowly tracing my lip. His eyes followed my movement and I saw them twinkle. But his eyebrows rose further than I thought possible.
"It's for Muggle kids." His face twisted and he wrinkled his archaic nose.
"And his parents would never give it a thought that he might enjoy it." I looked at him seriously. This boy was perhaps no less pitiable than Harry.
"Hm, interesting. I think that's… smart," he said slowly.
"Yes, you can probably connect that with me." I laughed and gave him a cheeky wink.
He waved his wand, and the breakfast table was empty. He leaned towards me, his hand grabbed my neck and he kissed me passionately...

*
While Severus was having dinner with the Malfoys, I met Remus in a muggle bar on the outskirts of London.
He looked bad. His skin was pale and he looked emaciated. His dark circles were gigantic and his hair was showing the first white hairs. Damn, while living my love with the man of my dreams, I forgot the other important man in my life.
As always, he kissed me on the cheek in greeting.
"Catherine! You look… very good! What is it that makes you shine so?" he stated and looked me up and down with a smile.
"Thanks, Remus! I'm doing well too. But please tell me first, what about you?" I asked as we sat down at the table.
"Well, the usual. I resigned and I am looking again. I don't have an apartment right now and... never mind. I'm not here to whine. I wanted to see you before you disappeared back into Hogwarts for a whole school year. Tell me why you have written so little to me? I've been worried. Does the job weigh you down, or..."
"Remus, we'll get to me later. What do you mean you don't have an apartment right now?" I asked worried and put my hand on his. He looked at our touch and I felt how good it was for him. Shit, he actually needed it badly, but he tensed his upper body and I knew he didn't like talking about his situation.
"You know, because of the werewolf law, after my father died a year ago, I didn't inherit anything, neither my family fortune nor my childhood home. I'm almost penniless. I might have a chance to find something new next week and-" he began slowly, but I cut him off in shock at what he said.
"Wait! Next week maybe the chance? And what about until then? Do you live on the street?" I heard my own voice sound strange, somehow higher and shrill. I just couldn't believe how my smart best friend was living these days without telling anyone. I bite my lower lip painfully. It just didn't work that way!

"It's no big deal. I've had a phase like this before. I shouldn't have told you. Now you're worried. No need. I just wanted to meet my best friend who has been so scarce lately and know what's going on with her." he said looking at me with a grin and I recognized the schoolboy from back then. So gifted and so hopeless.
I shook my head.
"I'll tell you what's with me. Under one condition. And I don't tolerate a no." I said briskly and assertively. He looked at me in shock, because he wasn't used to that tone from me.
"Well, do I have a choice?" he asked, grinning. I rummaged in my robe.
"No." I stated dryly and pushed a key towards him.
"What's that?" he asked sceptically with raising his eyebrows.
"The key to my apartment." I said, smiling. I knew what followed and I was not mistaken.
"No, that's not possible, that's too much. I don't want to accept that."
"Stop! The apartment is empty. Also, in the school holidays and I would like to sublet it. And I only tolerate decent tenants. You can use the bath for your transformation on full moon. It will be safe there if you lock the door. The woman next door is almost deaf and there is only an office downstairs, which nobody uses at night."
"That…"
"Remus. I insist. You'll pay rent when you're ready. Ok?"
I saw his eyes tear up and he looked down in confusion. I looked interestedly at a painting next to us until he started speaking again.
"Thank you, Catherine." His voice was cracked, but also relieved.
"Sure." I beamed at him and motioned for the waiter to order food for both of us.
"Now tell me why you're so infrequently in touch. Why aren't you in your apartment on holidays and why are you beaming like you've seen a bunch of unicorns?"
"I'm together with someone I love dearly," I said. Remus fixed my face and didn't say anything at first. He swallowed before suddenly hugging me across the table.
"I'm glad that you can feel this happiness again after Gideon! I've feared since his and Lilys deaths that you are in a dark place."
"Yes, I've lived in darkness, Remus." I felt the knot in my heart tighten again briefly as the waiter put our food down. Remus pounced on it, he must have eaten little for a few days.
"Who is the lucky one who gets to love you? Someone I know?" he asked, chewing. I knew he was going to ask me that and I didn't have an appropriate answer. But I couldn't lie, so I twisted the truth a bit.
"You must have seen him because he was with us at Hogwarts then. But you don't really know him. I don't want to reveal anything until we're both ready, you know?" I replied. He didn't know Severus like I knew him either. He certainly only remembered him as Snivellus.
"You know I'm the last person to wring secrets out of anyone. And as long as you're so happy, he can only be a great wizard, right?"
"And you, Remus?" I asked, taking a sip from my glass.
"What? You really ask that? You know what I am!" he said, shaken.
"Yes. But you know it has nothing to do with you as a person. You're a humorous, smart young man!" I said, snubbed. After all these years, how could he still have such doubts that he was worth loving? At least that seemed to be a common thread between him and Severus.
"It's me who sees it differently. You don't know what it's like to be me. A monster. Something not worth existing."
I banged my fist on the table so that our plates vibrated and the guests sitting around looked at us for a moment.
"Remus, stop that! Yes, you are what you are. But you have to live in good terms!"
"How? How can I do that?" he asked me with wide eyes that were bloodshot.
"You know, James and Lily loved you the way I love you. So, you know the love of friendship. And I know there's a woman out there somewhere who doesn't give a damn shit that you transform on a full moon. A woman who loves you infinitely for who you are. I know because I also love a man who sees himself as a monster. I love a man who hates himself for something he did many years ago. But heaven knows I love him more than anything. More than myself and I would give anything for him to finally see what I see."
Remus stared at me wide-eyed for a few moments before collapsing. He started crying. I got up, walked over to him and hugged him tightly. His body sagged even more in my arms.
"Come on, I'll take you to your new home!" I suggested softly. He nodded.
"But I'll pay," he sobbed.
"No, I'll take care of that," I said firmly. He lifted his head and was about to protest again when I just shook my head.
"Remember, in seventh grade. You bought me a Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade, and I never got to reciprocate. I think tonight would be perfect for that." He nodded, eyes watering.
When we arrived at my deserted apartment, we sat down briefly on my couch.
"I'm here for you, Remus," I told him urgently.
"I know. But I can not. You know what happened to James and Peter... Another horrible loss..." His body jerked as he shook his head violently.
"Is that why you're keeping me at a distance?" I asked, looking into his soft eyes.
"Not you too?" he replied. Shit, he still had the ability to empathize with people. And he hit my sore spot. Of course, I avoided close contact with others. I can't stand any more heavy losses, it would kill me.
"Maybe," I answered quietly, looking down. I thought about Lily, James, Gideon and also Sirius.
"Do you often think about how Sirius is?" I asked, my voice cracking, looking at him sideways.
"Every day," Remus replied, sighing loudly. He folded his hands in his lap and studied them closely.
"But they questioned him at the Ministry. I'm sure they used Vitaserum." I tried to explain why I hadn't spoken to Remus about Sirius´ guilt before. But of course, I knew that Remus had serious doubts, as did I. I could deny it all these years, but my doubts were there.
"I suppose so. Otherwise, they would never have sent him to Azkaban." Remus said, his voice cracking at the thought of his friend's betrayal. I nodded briefly.
"I've always wondered why, though. James, Peter and you- you were his family. Nothing was more important to him, was there?" I asked softly. Remus had tears running down his cheeks as he looked into my face.
"I thought so too up until then. But there was a traitor in our ranks. You know that. And I could never ask him. In Askaban he has the highest level of security - visits not allowed." Remus barely whispered. His pain was now visible on the outside, his body shaking with the pain. I couldn't contain myself anymore and hugged him tightly again. I felt his warm tears drip onto me, but I held him tight as he leaned into me. My old friend.

I sank into the pillows on the bed at Spinners End, exhausted. Suddenly, Severus Apparated into the room. Amused by my startled look, he dropped his clothes and slipped under the covers next to me. His warm body touched mine, his hands reaching out for support. We kissed each other.
"How was it?" I asked.
"Blazed as always. But the boy was genuinely pleased, even if his father expressed disdain and asked if Dumbledore would underpay me for my post at Hogwarts. So, a successful evening, I think. What about you and the wolf?"
"Please don't call him that. He is miserable. The werewolf law is giving him a hard time. And the fact that he thinks he's a monster, which no one can ever love," I said bitterly.
"Well, he's not entirely wrong, is he?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrows accusingly.
"I know he almost killed you back then. But that wasn't him. You don't really know him-"
"He's a danger to everyone. He shouldn't just be living out there on the loose."
"Severus, you can't be serious! He is my best friend and he's a wizard. And he's one of the most generous and kindest people I know. If he has such a place in the magical world because of his monthly transformation, which he can't do anything about, then I don't know if I want to be part of it any longer. Remus never made a mistake, and he didn't choose his fate. Remus didn't do anyone any harm." I talked myself into a rage. Wild sparks flew from my eyes.
"Different from me, isn't he?" Severus said bitterly. "I am the monster that became one by choice. The one who voluntarily entered the dark path. A monster that led to the death of your best friend and your lover."
"Severus, I didn't say that and-" I said angrily.
"But you thought so." replied resignedly, his gaze avoiding mine.
"No. You're the one who thinks of you that way. I know humans aren't perfect. They make mistakes. But they do their best. It's just not enough sometimes. And without love and support we are all lost. I don't know what would have become of me if I hadn't bonded with Lily and you in fifth year..."
"You? You were always different from me. You were so pure and precious. You didn't hate the muggles who harmed you for their weakness. I, on the other hand, had nothing better in mind than revenge." he stated in a bitter voice, his black eyes twinkling into mine.
"Everyone reacts differently, Severus. And we all have our scars. One more than the other. But it's our choices that matter. They make up who we are, and you stood up to the Dark Lord in time. You've seen who you really want to be. And you met the person I've loved so much since fifth grade. You met yourself, Severus." I cupped his face between my hands and kissed him. I felt his hot tears on my cheek. They tasted salty, but also like hope. I took his body. Everything I wanted and needed was in my hands. And I knew it was my task to show him who he was and how valuable he was, he had to see himself through my eyes at some point. And these feelings that lay in my heart for Severus were indescribable. I just wanted to feel him, explore his mind every day and night.