You've been in the dark believing your thoughts
When they tell you you're anything less than you are
But that's just not true 'cause all of the scars
And the bruises, they're what make you human
We didn't need fixing all of this time
'Cause all of your edges fit right into mine
Fall into me
Everyone's broken and I got this missing piece
Honestly
You fit me like no-one
You're perfectly broken for me
- Perfectly Broken by Banners
Separately, we headed back to Hogwarts for my second year as a teacher. It was the best summer I've ever had. I happily levitated my trunk next to me as I walked from Hogsmeade to the castle. I enjoyed the fresh air of the last week of August, felt the sun's rays gently warming my skin. I closed my eyes briefly at the Forbidden Forest and summed up my current happiness. Severus, always.
When I opened my eyes, I saw a figure dressed in black hurrying towards me. I had to grin because he could only last four hours without me. We had travelled separately, he earlier than me. We wanted to avoid drawing attention to ourselves. The sound of a broom buzzed some distance above us.
"May I help you with your luggage, Professor?" he asked softly.
"Yes, thank you.". I pushed my bag towards him. I looked up at the sky and saw Madam Hooch on her broomstick.
"Did you have a pleasant summer?" I ask Severus out loud so as not to give ours away.
"Well, it was very chilled out without the fools coming back in a few days. And how was your vacation?" he replied in a similarly loud voice.
"Extraordinary," I replied with a grin, seeing a flicker in his eyes.
"Good morning, Professors!" Madam Hooch called out from her broom and landed gracefully next to us.
Together we ran with her up to the castle. She told us about all the Quidditch season games she watched over the holidays. Severus and I weren't very interested in that, but we were happy to let her talk while sneaking glances at each other.
We said goodbye to settle into our offices and dormitories until dinner.
When I walked into the staff room, he was already there, whispering something to Dumbledore. Both of them fell silent at the sight of me and I had the uncomfortable feeling that I might have been the subject of their conversation. I looked around uncertainly. The staff room was still a large panelled room with many dark wooden chairs that didn't match. Then I greeted all teachers warmly and Dumbledore introduced us to the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Professor Lewis was a grey-haired elderly lady who gave us a sullen look. Severus gave me a meaningful look. I knew he really wanted this job. But something I knew he wouldn't receive it any time soon. After Dumbledore pointed out the food, Minerva and Filius sat down right next to me and asked about my vacation.
Unfortunately, I had to lie to her. Uncomfortable and difficult, I told of a summer by the sea and in the southern sun instead of Cokeworth in central England. Minerva, on the other hand, stayed in her native Scotland, writing and proofreading essays for Transfiguration Today, enjoyed her nieces and nephews and their families. Filius attended an international gathering of former Duelling Champions in Tibet. As I chatted with them, Severus stared at his food and tried to look slightly grim. But I saw that he had to suppress a grin as he listened to me explain the joys of the sea.
After dinner I said goodbye and retired to my rooms. It was nice to be back at Hogwarts and to see my colleagues again. Severus and I had agreed that as a precaution we would not visit each other for the first few nights and that we would hold back until the students arrived. The hustle and bustle make it less conspicuous if we secretly keep each other company at night. But we didn't want to change anything about our official working hours together, as we suspect Dumbledore and some of the other teachers would have noticed this anyway. But nothing about a loose friendship between us seemed overly suspicious after our school days together. Still, Severus had serious concerns about my parentage. But as long as the Dark Lord did not officially prepare for his return, he could not refuse me a collegial friendship in public.
The first few nights without Severus by my side were difficult for me, as was the collegial distance with which we both met in the castle. I couldn't remember what it was like to be in my bed without him. We've touched each other too often over the past few months. He pulled me close, wrapped his arm around my waist. He buried his face in my long hair and breathed in my scent. He usually caressed my body until I fell asleep. He enjoyed watching me sleep, snuggled close to him before falling asleep himself.
When the students arrived after four days, it made me very happy and Severus also seemed relieved to me. After the students were sorted into houses, Dumbledore made his usual speech, and the food was released to my delight. I glanced at him briefly. This year, Professor Sinistra had sat next to Minerva MacGonagall, leaving no one between us.
His face looked petrified as he lay a little on his golden plate. His appetite at Hogwarts was poor, due to the many demands that lay ahead.
"Enjoying the evening, Professor?" I asked casually as the desserts were served and he looked at them in disgust. He looked at me with raised eyebrows.
"This evening of orientation is definitely a reminder that I now have new fools to keep from killing one another, and themselves. I always hope that as little as possible ends up in Slytherin. But I'm mostly lucky that Gryffindor seems to be a gathering place for dunderheads." he said in a low voice, but a malicious grin crept onto his mouth as I gaped at him.
"You know these kids are not my favourite job in this castle." he added almost imperceptibly. He was back in his role as the unpleasant teacher. But I knew that he also enjoyed being so morose, it was on the tip of his tongue like his sarcastic remarks.
"Don't worry, I know enough joyful quests for the next few nights," I whispered softly in his ear, seemingly reaching for some pudding with a soft smile.
His arms tensed at the thought of what we have been denied for the last four nights. My leg brushed his under the table. He flinched at that light touch. It was like lightning pulsing through my veins. It was so exciting and tempting. The two of us in this secret connection that only we know about. In these old stone walls where all those years ago we felt a secret longing for each other without the other or another soul knowing about it. Our connection was strange, but we now feel like a perfect fit. We were like each other's fittings and have been through the years that our souls have yearned for one another.
"I can't wait to fulfil this to the complete satisfaction of everyone involved," he breathed. I could feel him staring at me out of the corner of his eye for the rest of the evening.
As the feast was all behind us, I waited impatiently in my room.
Should I go to him, or did he still think it was too insecure? I paced thoughtfully. My heart brought me an answer that contradicted my reason. I sighed. I'll let him decide because he has a better view of the danger Voldemort posed, thought. Suddenly there was a soft knock on my door, but before I could open it, it jumped up and Severus stormed into my arms.
"Dumbledore knows about us." he said sadly.
"Did he tell you?" I asked in surprise.
"Not directly. He told me that I should be aware of the danger of getting too close to a person. That he has clues that Voldemort is in Albania, waiting for followers. It's only a matter of months before he reappears."
I swallowed and bit my bottom lip. His gaze followed this movement and I saw how it stirred him up.
"Severus, what does this mean for us?" I asked nervously, not taking my eyes off his face.
"I've been thinking about it for the past few days and nights. We should...break up. Until I have atoned for my guilt. It's too dangerous if you..." he started to stammer and looked down at the floor in front of us.
"No! You don't need to keep talking! It was and is my decision to stay by your side." I grabbed his hand and forced eye contact. He shuddered.
"I can't let that happen. I…"
"Severus, do you think we can stand not seeing each other for years? Please consider whether this is actually an option for you."
"It has to be!" He ran to my window and stared at the Dark Lake.
"No, Severus. I've been thinking about it too and I can't break up with you. I'd rather die." I approached him from behind.
"You can't be serious!" He turned to me. We stood close to each other.
"Yes, it is. I am willing to take that risk."
"I won't allow it! Oh, I regret doing that to you. I've been so selfish. I'm only putting you in great danger! I should never have revealed my feelings for you..."
"Severus, we both deserve this happiness together." I grabbed his hands.
"No, not me."
"Yet. I know you feel so infinitely guilty about Lily, and I understand that. But she wouldn't have wanted us to sacrifice our love either. And Severus, I am ready for death, but only by your side. You are not alone anymore, Severus. You don't have to do it alone anymore like nobody cares about you." I gently ran a hand over his cheek. Severus gave me a piercing look. Then he nodded.
"Sorry I'm still not used to having someone like you by my side And also having such a significant role for a person myself. To be needed because you don't want to be without me. This is crazy, Catherine."
"You think about us in a different way?"
"No, not at all. I can't be without you." He grabbed my hands and looked deep into my eyes. His gaze flooded me, for he was full of love and affection.
"Then why do you think I feel different?" I asked quietly.
"You are absolutely right! But I have to be very careful. These paintings, I think Dumbledore has such a good overview and knows everything that is going on here. The castle tells him everything."
"That's why I don't have any paintings of people in my rooms. I don't like being monitored," I said. Severus looked around quickly.
"I'll replace mine too. I already have some more glass jars filled with bits of animals and plants, floating in potions of varying colours. Even if I honour a very specific one in particular. I will expand my collection So, Dumbledore didn't realize the real reason." I nodded.
"And Voldemort?" I asked. Severus drew in a sharp breath.
"Please don't call him that. Say Dark Lord!" He ground his teeth together, his eyes growing cold and staring.
"Are you that scared of him?" I asked in astonishment. I didn't expect it from Severus.
"Let's call it respect. Dumbledore can feel safe saying his name while the rest of us…" Severus rubbed his left forearm, his eyes narrowing. I saw his movement and he realized what he was doing. He looked me in the eye and I recognized his insecurity, his uneasiness at the thought of the game he was playing and his past role in an unfortunate chain of many events that brought so much death and despair into the souls of the innocent. But I no longer fear his past, he understood it as his reaction to injustice, rejection, despair and being overwhelmed. Or maybe it was an act of hate. But hate is such a strong emotion that I wondered if I hate. And immediately, besides Voldemort, I thought of another person whose death I longed for - Antonin Dolohov. So I wasn't a blank slate either. No longer.
"Well then how do we want to deal with the Dark Lord?" I asked softly. He should feel that I understood his point of view, that I valued him, and if it meant that I stopped saying Voldemort's name in front of him, it was only a small sacrifice in our projected success against these lousy assholes who deserved to die. I knew that I too was now seeking revenge, just as Severus was doing. For Lily and Gideon and Fabian, Mary, Marlene, James and so many other victims. I was broken too. As did Severus. This was another bond between us, adding to the myriad similarities between us.
Maybe it was because we were so close? We understood each other, trusted each other, knew each other, connected.
"When he comes out in the open and calls his Death Eaters together, then it becomes critical. Then we have to reconsider." He avoided my gaze now, unwilling to put an expiration date on our secret, yet less complicated relationship, which made everything harder. Our meetings, our exchanges, our kisses, our physical connection.
"Until then everything stays as it is? In secret?"I ask with bated breath. I wait he wouldn't question us again. I knew he would do anything to protect me, but putting our relationship on hold was not an option, ever.
"It must. Otherwise, you wouldn't be safe anymore. He would find you and kill you. Straight. You are a muggle-born witch and I am his servant. It's an impossible thing."
He ran his fingers gently over my lips. We were silent for a moment while I enjoyed his touch. At least that should be granted to us. Just the thought of not seeing him every day made my throat tight. But at least we still had a few months when I was here with him. "You're right," he whispered. He looked at me and gently touched a hand to my cheek to lovingly tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, but he played with this strand briefly and looked at me thoughtfully.
"With what?" I asked confused, but enjoyed it when he explored me so attractively.
"I can't be without you for years. Even those four days seemed unbearably long." Severus stated, his eyes sparkled, and his forehead touched mine.
I grinned and we kissed deeply before we walked hand in hand to my bedroom.