Let me be your 'leccy meter
And I'll never run out
Let me be the portable heater
That you'll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion (I'll be)
At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean
Now I wanna be yours
Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours
- I wanna be yours by artic monkeys
At the end of April I had the renewed pleasure of seeing an insecure Charlie Weasley. I was assigned to escort the students to Hogsmeade for the Apparation test and I could feel Charlie eyeing me nervously. He was certainly as excited as I was before my exam. And as his almost-aunt I seemed to represent a kind of security for him. So, I decided to give him a little help.
"I wish you the best of luck, Mister Weasley. I'm sure you'll pass the test with no problems," I said confidently. But he just nodded uneasily.
"You know, my Apparation teacher was your uncle back then," I explained with a grin, remembering the lessons with Gideon, it was a feeling of joy and gratitude to have come so close to this special person in my life.
"What? I did not know that. Was he extraordinary in everything?" Charlie asked, still unsure, but his face paled even more.
"Yes, you can probably say that." I replied and observed how his freckles were now paler. And then Charlie´s name was called. I was showing him how I cross my fingers for him when he looked back at me uncertainly again.
Unfortunately, the poor boy ended up too far off target and on top of a woman who was shopping. He was very uncomfortable and didn't say a word the whole way back. I considered speaking words of courage and confidence to him, but he avoided my gaze and I settled for a reassuring smile as I left him with his friends in the entrance of the castle hall.
Severus just emerged from the dungeon as if he had expected or at least sensed my arrival. He smiled tightly when he saw me and I knew that on the inside he was more pleased to see me than he was allowed to show on the outside.
"Was your absence successful?" he asked, casually leaning against a pillar in the entryway while sizing me up. He knew something was bothering me because his eyes were piercing me. I shook my head and briefly indicated the students I was arriving with. I let the students rush past all of us before answering Severus as I watched him roll his eyes and glare at the slowest student, urging her to hurry. She nervously stumbled past us. He was a genuinely intimidating figure, which I found kind of appealing at the same time.
"Not everyone passed the exam," I stated with a sad voice after the entrance hall was empty.
"Not Weasley?" Severus asked. He knew I had formed a special bond with the boy. I liked the cheerfulness and his good heart and of course his amber eyes.
"Yes. He kind of screwed it up." I said in a low voice, hanging my head like I'd just flunked my own test.
"Maybe you shouldn't have volunteered to escort these students," Severus noted with an odd undertone in his voice.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked with raised eyebrows.
"Only that he seems oddly fixated on you." Severus said quietly so no one could overhear us.
"What do you mean by that? You know about our connection through Gideon. I almost became his aunt," I said, a little offended, but I saw immediately how Severus tensed and his body now assumed an upright position.
"Please don't remind me. I don't want to think about the fact that you'd be Mrs. Prewett by now if..." He didn't finish the sentence and left it to me.
"If he hadn't been killed?" I finished for him.
He nodded and I saw him clench his hands into fists and clench his jaws, he was still jealous of my previous relationship, but I had to agree with him because I certainly would have married Gideon and who knows, I might have found great bliss in doing so. But I knew that my destiny wasn't Gideon, it was always Severus.
"Come over to me later and I show you how much I am Mrs. Snape now," I whispered under the breath. Severus looked at me in surprise, his cheeks turned a soft pink and his lips formed a mischievous smile.
"I like to be convinced." he said and his eyes sparkled seductively. Damn, he's still driving me insane. My mouth was too dry to reply. I stood in front of him, ready to let go of all self-control.
During the quiet summer holidays, I spend with Severus, I completely forget about everything else. We drive to a secluded area by the sea where I look at a few houses. Severus was very reluctant to do this, leaving it up to me where I want to live if I have to give up my place at Hogwarts, although I value it very much.
I fall in love instantly with a rundown 19th century cottage. It offered an impressive view straight to the sea and a stony beach with a large garden in which I could already see a greenhouse.
"Do you like this desolate area?" Severus asked me quietly as we both gazed at the raging sea.
"Why desolate? What more could you ask for than this view?" I asked dreamily. He gave me a critical sideways glance, but realized I meant it serious.
"Can you stand it here for months, maybe years?" he asked me, looking over his shoulder at the ramshackle old building.
"With you by my side, everything is irrelevant. I could also live in a suitcase while I'm with you. Maybe that's an idea we should implement. I read Newt Scamander has one for his beasts." I said, grinning, his eyes sparkle.
"You forget the sharp eyes of Dumbledore, however. Don't you think your presence would be noticed at some point?" Severus replied, pulling my body towards him. Still, I thought about it seriously while his kiss made my heartbeat faster.
"Besides, if something happens to me, who will put you out of your position in the suitcase?" he asked softly after pulling away from me.
"Severus, do you think you...?" I couldn't finish the question, it was still unimaginable for me.
"It's within the realm of possibility, yes," he answered directly. I had to swallow and looked at him, I felt my eyes wet at the thought of his impending death. I'd been through all of this before and knew I could never get over the death of Severus. If he died, so would I. Tears slowly ran down my cheek and Severus carefully and gently pushed them away from my face before kissing my wet cheeks.
"I will do everything to ensure that it does not come to that. Ever since I got you, I want to live, not die.", he said and hugged me even tighter. He kissed my hairline as I curled up inside him, inhaling his scent. We held this intimate position of affection for a few minutes, but my mind was racing with negative thoughts. I bit my lower lip in his embrace. I can't lose him and I had to do everything to keep him safe.
"So, this cottage then?" he asked, looking around slowly.
"Yes, this cottage," I agreed, ruffling his shoulder-length black hair affectionately.
"Then it will be ours." he said quietly and I was happy about our first purchase together, because we were both investing in our future together. The thought of it filled my chest with joy and gratitude. I was glad we both found each other after such a long time, only the uneasy feeling of what the future had in store made me anxious and nervous, but I pushed those nagging thoughts aside because I wanted to be carefree for as long as possible. I played with his hair, which now reached from chin length to his shoulders.
"I love your longer hair, Severus. Do you actually know that?" I whispered lovingly in his ear.
"No, I've never thought about it to be honest. In general, I didn't really care about my appearance...is there anything you would change?" he asked, staring at me curiously. I knew he would do anything for me, but it wasn't necessary. My eyes travelled down his narrow, pale face with the prominent nose, the black eyes and his narrow frame, the strength of which I knew only too well.
"No. You're perfect, Severus!" He gasped and looked at me in disbelief, but suddenly he shook his head and grinned.
"Where did I find you?" he asked with his signature smile.
"Well, definitely at Hogwarts." I giggled, my hand gently brushed his lip.
"Yes, that makes me like the school after all," he stated resentfully. His eyes hardened immediately at the thought.
"Don't you like Hogwarts?" I asked in disbelief and stopped my gentle caress. After all the years he had spent there, it seemed almost impossible to me.
"Well, I didn't feel comfortable in school days for many reasons. You know most of them: Potter, Black and the lack of adequate punishment for this band of marauders." His eyes were immediately cold, as was his voice full of bitterness. Yes, I knew that, and I could understand that to a large extent and mostly blamed it on Dumbledore. After all, he knew everything that went on in the castle. Why didn't he ever protect this taciturn boy with black eyes and hair like he did for James, Remus, Sirius and Peter when it came to expulsion. I know he knew Remus' secret, maybe even the other boys' secret. But was it worth disregarding so many others?
"And what else was there?" I asked. His eyes seemed clouded, he was back in the past.
"The lack of my heritage. My sufficient funds, zhe thought that the only friends in my life were two muggle witches who loathed my propensity for black magic and my skill in the field. The skill that won me recognition in a house full of purebloods with their impeccable lineage, fame and fortune. The loss of you through my decision to live a life of black magic, a life in the service of the Dark Lord whose true dimensions I only realized far too late. This made it difficult for me to appreciate Hogwarts. Even though it was my way out of a violent and neglectful home, it still wasn't a good home," he replied in a toneless voice.
Yes, that was the other side he was exposed to. The side he was completely hiding from me and Lily. How he was doing in the Slytherin common room. Half-breed, drenched in poverty with parents who didn't deserve the name. I was visibly better off in Gryffindor, even if I had a hard time finding my feet at first. My used clothes or books were never worth mentioning, for none of my classmates.
"I understand you, Severus." My hand caressed his cheek affectionately.
"Yes, I know you do. Truly. You are the only person who can do this. And that you can love me. A broken man like me who has nothing to offer you but himself. It seems weird." He shook his head in disbelief. He was still full of self-doubt and self-loathing for not understanding that he too was lovable. That his soul had long since connected to mine. With love and affection.
"You forgot that that was exactly what I wanted. At Hogwarts. All these years." I tried to explain to him. After all this time, all those memories of hurt, injustice, and rejection still nagged at him.
"Weird." His tightened lips formed a small smile, his eyebrow arched.
"Yes, I am, Severus. Maybe you should accept that." I said looking at his face.
"I already did that a long time ago. Still, the thought overwhelms me from time to time." he whispered barely audible; I felt his warm breath on my skin because our faces were close.
"And I'm thankful that you opened up, that you broke down the wall that you built so high, Severus." My hand slowly stroked his right cheek. He wrapped my hand in his and put his head in it.
"You were the spark of the collapse of my defences, Catherine." His black eyes let me sink into them, my heart began to beat faster.
"That sounds romantic, Severus. I like it."
"Only with you is that possible for me."
"All the better." I kiss him deeply and he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer.
"What do you think of a week's real vacation?" Severus suddenly asked me.
"What do you mean?" My eyes widened in surprise and I quickly closed my dropped jaw.
"If you only have a year - where would you like to be with me?" he asked me abruptly.
My mind raced, I haven't been to many places in the world.
"New Zealand?" I asked him more than an answer. It was the farthest destination I could think of. A destination where it was possible to be unseen in public with him holding hands - we were so seldom allowed to walk around as a normal loving couple, with a stupid grinning face, enjoying the touch and closeness of the other quite naturally without secrets .
"Fine, we're leaving tomorrow," he said with a grin, kissing me before I could protest. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of Severus lying on the beach with me in a pair of striped swimming trunks, dabbing his nose with sunscreen.
So, we were driven to New Zealand during the summer holidays, where spring was just beginning. But that just didn't suit our skin, for it was still sensitive to the sun from the potion Severus frequently brewed for us at Hogwarts. So it came about that my vision came true and I watched Severus dab some type of sunscreen he made himself onto his skin, wrinkling his nose while I giggled. We roamed the sometimes lonely landscape, enjoying empty beaches and raging rivers, rugged mountains... there was so much beauty in this land that even Severus was appreciative.
We were sure that we could also live out our togetherness undisturbed in the towns and villages with magical people. But it was a mistake. Just as we were holding hands at the market to buy some rare potion ingredients, a familiar voice suddenly called.
"Snape!" Severus turned around in a matter of seconds and immediately placed himself in front of me protectively, but it was too late.
"What are you doing here? With company?" asked the arrogant voice of Avery. I inhaled sharply, hoping he wouldn't recognize me even though I hadn't changed since we were at school. I turned my gaze more to the ground.
"Holiday," Severus said curtly, straightening his body tensely, his hand was on his ebony wand. Avery was clearly curious and moved closer to catch a glimpse of me past Severus, I backed away but my long hair blew out from behind Severus' back in the cool breeze.
"Isn't that the widow of Prewett, whom Dolohov struck down back then?" Avery asked in disbelief, his brown eyes staring me up and down like an eagle staring at its prey and licked his lips briefly. Severus sighed and gave me a meaningful look.
"Let's have a drink over there and we can chat about the old days a bit." Severus offered, he held out a hand invitingly in the direction of a narrow side street.
"So she's your girlfriend?" Avery asked in disbelief, his eyes narrowing as he looked at me quickly.
"I'd prefer the term partner, we're not kids at school anymore, Caspar." Severus said with a very serious undertone, I could see his head working, his forehead vein pulsing menacingly.
"But she was a member of the Order of the Phoenix, wasn't she?" Avery said impatiently, his hand now slipping onto his wand as well. And just before Severus could react, I stepped forward.
"Correct. But you also know that the Dark Lord had his followers everywhere. Also, in the Order. And I was one of them. Or how do you think he got all his information's?" I asked coldly. Severus raised his eyebrows briefly in amazement before recovering his composure and blanking his face. That asshole Avery wouldn't thwart our plans. He still looked at me uncertainly, but his body relaxed a bit.
"Let's have a drink. Then we can certainly clear up the misunderstanding. There's a bar around the corner over there that stocks an excellent drop of Firewhisky.'; Severus offered again in a soft voice.
Avery thought for a moment but nodded.
We walked around the corner Severus pointed to. While Severus engaged Avery in conversation about the Malfoys, I unobtrusively drew my wand and tried to gather my concentration. I tried to calm down and took deep breaths.
As we turned into the deserted alley, Severus immediately pushed Avery against the wall. He didn't stand a chance as Severus pressed his neck against the wall of the house with his lower arm.
"Obliviate!" I shouted, and Averys eyes glazed over. It was the only Charms award I had ever received. Flitwick said he knew of only one student who excelled at it like me- Gilderoy Lockhardt.
"You've been walking down the promenade and you've seen nothing more unusual than a couple of seagulls bickering over scraps of food. You haven't seen me since the days of the Order and you haven't met Severus Snape here either. Everything's fine and you don't worry about Severus or me," I said.
Avery nodded absently and I knew it worked. Severus loosened his grip and the Death Eater walked back to the promenade, lost in thoughts.
"That was close, too close." Severus stated, patting his robes clean with both hands.
"We have to be more careful," I replied quietly but I had enjoyed the past few days so much. Not being hidden by his side, but I knew that would not be my future for who knows for how long.
"We should go back to Cokeworth. And stay there in Spiner's End for now." Severus explained and I heard regret in his voice.
"If we want to be absolutely sure that Avery has been oblivated, you should follow him and I'll retire to my apartment for the next 4 days before we get back to Hogwarts," I said bitterly with hanging head. Why did this idiot have to run into us here? Didn't we deserve a little happiness?
"You are absolutely right. I'm getting really lax about us, that's a big mistake." Severus agreed. I raised my head and saw his mouth widening in shock and his eyes looking at me in horror.
"No, Severus. It is not our fault. We just want to live a normal life. Together." I said in a soft voice and ran my hand through his black hair, pulling his head towards me and kissing him. He relaxed his stance and kissed back passionately. He pulled my whole body towards him.
"I'm crazy about your touch, I seem to have lost control, I can't breathe." he whispered in my ear, sliding his hand under my robes and gently brushing my breasts. I held my breath, he's never gone that far in public, luckily we were standing in the shadows in an inanimate twisting corner.
"I was so scared of losing you, it was eating me up, if that bastard had touched you, I would have killed him. You mean everything to me. My soul has longed for yours for too long and I won't let our love be destroyed. If anyone tries, Merlin have mercy on them. It doesn't matter who it is," he breathed on my neck. I shuddered at his draft, my skin literally trembling under his words and touch. "And that you're so incredibly good at lying in the face of danger, it was very hot..."he whispered in his soft, deep voice that drive me crazy.
He looked up briefly, surveyed the area and pressed me hard against the wall. I gasped with excitement.