On the road, trailing after happiness
Losing sight of where it went
Suddenly, I'm lost
Thought I knew the way
Then darkness left me here
Deep inside the woods again
Screaming 'til I'm out of air
But silence overrules
Let the light in, bring me back to life
Do you hide in the back of my mind?
I need you to show me
- Chasing happy by Vaarin

Severus gave me a seductive grin before Apparating with me to our hotel room where we had more enjoyable hours together. If that experience with Avery had shown us anything: how limited our hours together would be if Dumbledore's prophecy came true and Voldemort reigned again.
So, we tried to push caution aside for just a little while longer, although I could sense Severus being impressed. The encounter with his former companion now made him startle more often at night, he was plagued again by nightmares that had spared him in the last few months. He became more restless and driven again, and I knew that he was becoming more aware of his task and risk in the future. Our happy togetherness had an expiration date and both of us unconsciously couldn't ignore that fact, no matter how hard we tried.
Then we spent our last vacation days in England in his old house. Our new cottage by the sea should await my arrival next year, as I would have plenty of time for the necessary renovations that Severus wanted to give me free rein to do. Officially, however, only in my name, because we still had to keep our connection secret.
So, we made ourselves comfortable for the rest of the days in Cokeworth, and together created the new curricula for our students in my last year as a teacher. Since our subjects complemented each other well, it was easy to coordinate with each other. The ingredients that Severus poured into his students' potions I taught them in the days before. It was almost magical how it all came together.
We managed this, though something strange happened the first night after our return and this often put our concentration to the test.
After our vacation we felt exhausted into the big bed and lay our wands on top of each other on the bedside table, half asleep. We both preferred to keep her as close as possible. I had gotten used to it in the Order and Severus as a Death Eater - it ensured survival.
And suddenly as our wands lay so close together - ebony and hornbeam- erupted golden sparks.
Severus jumped out of bed immediately at an unbelievable speed and stood protectively in front of me, approaching the sparking wands.
"Severus, what does that mean?" I startled in a low voice in the dark night.
"I don't know, I haven't seen that before." he said in irritation. Hesitantly, Severus reached for his wand, but they seemed to have connected and were reluctant to separate. So, I grabbed my wand and they both broke apart in a soft click.
"Mh, we should look into that." Severus said slowly, staring wide-eyed at his wand, which now rested steadily in his hand. My wand was warm to the touch, but I had that good feeling that flowed through me whenever I held it. But what was that? What makes golden sparks burst from both wands? I had never heard of anything like this. And considering our situation I felt a certain fear rising in me, on the other hand it seemed to be some kind of connection between our wands.
"Severus, I saw a book of wands, their woods and cores in your library downstairs." I stated quietly believing that there is a useful explanation for all of this.
"I see you know these books as well as I. But I have already read all the books and I can tell you that there is nothing about this experience in them." Severus said, now staring into my eyes with constricted pupils, I know he was as horrified as I was at this strange connection. He wondered if it was dangerous, if it could weigh on our work. Severus didn't have to say it, as these thoughts raced through my head as well, searching for an adequate answer.
"And if we go to Ollivander and ask him? We both have our wands from him, don't we?" I thought out loud. After all, we had both been to his shop when we were 11 years old before our first year at Hogwarts. I could still remember walking into the Ollivander store and found it to be the most exciting of all the purchases that day. I was with my mother and Professor McGonagall, who, as Deputy Headmistress, had the dubious honour of escorting Muggle-born witches and wizards to keep them from being overwhelmed. And since my mother was chronically helpless and overwhelmed, she came along with us on errands to make sure nothing went wrong. I was so incredibly grateful to her at the time. I closed my eyes and felt that feeling wash over me again when Ollivander put my wand in my hand for the first time. It was magical.
"Yes, but how are you going to explain to him that, as colleagues, we just happened to cross our wands and there was this weird connection? Without revealing that we are together as a love pair?" Severus´ question snapped me out of my childhood memories and I saw him how he thoughtfully ran his fingers along his dark wand while the light wood of mine glows in the dark of the night. I looked at him. He was right, we were not allowed to reveal ourselves but this phenomenon was amazing and neither of us knew remotely what it could mean. Still, my heart jumped like a teenager's when he called us both love pair, which immediately sent my thoughts to Hogwarts.
"At Hogwarts. I'll look in the library and try to find out something about it." I said excitedly and thought of the countless books that were there and made my heart beat faster even when I was at school.
"Yes, in the forbidden section is a book on making wands and using them in black magic." He continued to stare at our wands with an odd expression on his face.
"Do you think it has something to do with black magic? I think it seemed more like something..."
"Good?" Severus said with a soft but questioning undertone.
"Yes."
He raised his eyebrows. "Mh, if you mean. But to be on the safe side, we should now avoid putting our wands so close together. And you should be careful after all."
I had to grin at the thought that Severus himself considered I have to be careful while looking for books even in the library, at least for me. But it also showed me how much he cared for me and how important I was to him.
"It just occurs to me that I've been invited to Malfoy Manor the day after tomorrow, perhaps it will turn out that I can go to the great library there, There are rarities there whose value Lucius could not understand in the least." Severus said in a low voice and addressed a strand of hair that kept my right eye hidden.
"Ah yes, I already wrapped the present for Draco for you. You must have met his taste," I said and looked into his wonderful black eyes, which now flashed mockingly.
"If not, it'll certainly go to the other superfluous gifts. I think he's gotten a second room for it by now." I choked at the thought of raising a child in such a grotesque way. Gifts in abundance, as well as instilling supremacy through pure blood. I shuddered and thought that maybe Dumbledore was right to keep Harry Potter's soul clean from something like this.
"I'm curious what remark Lucius will throw at me this time. The last time it was my lack of possessions, the second last time it was the lack of a pure-blood woman and the corresponding advantages in bed that he accused me of." Severus mused slowly, now gently stroking my cheek after tucking my strand of hair behind my ear.
"He accuses you of such trivialities?" I asked in disbelief. How could Severus still look him in the eye then? I gasped.
"What? It's amusing considering what I've gotten to enjoy now, isn't it?" Severus asked, now gently running his fingers over my lips, which had parted in protest. "He really thinks I can't live life to the fullest when it comes to these things. What do you say to that, Catherine?" he breathed into my neck, which he now kissed tenderly. I had to grin, knowing that Severus didn't care what someone like Lucius thought of him. His association with him was a means to an end. It still allowed him to spy under the guise of a Death Eater. If anyone found out about Voldemort's return, surely Lucius would be among the first.
In response, I took Severus' head in my hands and pulled it directly in front of me before kissing him passionately. And then I put myself back into his gentle but strong arms, in which I fell asleep carefree, knowing he was always there for me. And I was aware that I was always the one to fall asleep first, as if he had to make sure I slipped gently into dreamland before he too could find rest.
The remaining vacation days in togetherness pass faster than we would like and already my third and final year at Hogwarts as a teacher in herbalism began.
But first I decided to check on Remus. We were in constant correspondence, and he talked about progress in his condition, but I wanted to see his condition with my own eyes. Even though Severus didn't quite understand my concern for Remus, he let me go with tight lips, realizing the importance to me. So, Severus left for Hogwarts a day before me, and I stopped at my old apartment before my new term.

When I knocked on the white wooden door, it took a while before it opened just a crack.
"Catherine? What are you doing here?" my friend asked in a hoarse voice, he reluctantly opened the door to let me in.
"Didn't you get my owl? I sent you a letter 2 days ago announcing myself." I said, taking off my traveling cloak. Remus shook his head before I took a closer look at him. He ran a hand through his light brown hair uncertainly and grinned crookedly. His hair was unkempt and tousled, the circles under his eyes were grey. He looked like he hadn't showered in days and as I got closer his smell confirmed my assumption.
I raised my eyebrows and let my eyes wander around my small apartment. Clothes were everywhere, dishes with leftovers were piled up in the open kitchen, old glass bottles that used to contain Firewhisky were piled up on the floor.
"Excuse me, I should have cleaned up first..." his hoarse voice tried to excuse even though he knew there was no excuse for it. Remus was trapped in darkness, the past mocked him and loneliness wrapped tight around him. I sighed and closed my eyes at the thought of how much my friend was suffering. Damn, I was at this point once and it was so infinitely painful, incomprehensible for someone who hadn't gone through what hit us: destruction, loss and infinite grief, regret for what happened, longing for the carefree past... a time before the war, before the deaths, when our friends were not ghosts whose laughter has now faded.
"If anyone needs to apologize, it's me," I sighed. "I was so naive and thought, if I give you my apartment, I've done enough, then you'll fix yourself." I stated quietly and let myself fall onto the couch, which squeaked briefly under my weight.
Remus swallowed and shook his head sadly, his eyes watering.
"It's me Catherine. It's my fault. Always. Forgive me…" he stammered and slid down beside me, his face buried in his hands.
"My friend, I hate to say it, but you can't get out of this on your own. You need help. Let me be that help!" I whispered, putting my hand on his trembling back. He winced at my touch and it reminded me of the other man in my life 2 years ago. But my love saved Severus. That's something I couldn't offer Remus. Just my friendship. Would it be enough? But Remus looked at me and smiled slightly.
"You look good, Catherine. He's good for you, isn't he?" Remus asked as if I had sensed who I was thinking of, he probably even had. I nodded, smiling at the thought of Severus.
"Then at least one of us has escaped this darkness for good. I'm glad it's you," he said, leaning into my shoulder. His early grey hair fell over his forehead, which was wrinkled with worry. I knew Remus wouldn't have to live like this if it weren't for the werewolf law, if he had a job, a perspective that showed him he was a good person and an excellent wizard.
"I have two addresses for you, Remus. The first is an old acquaintance of St Mungo's. He specializes in trauma cases after the war against Voldemort. He helped me a lot after Lily and Gideon. I recommended him to you back then, but you didn't want to, remember?" I asked, patting his back lightly. Remus continued to look down, but he nodded slightly to show me that he understood me.
"The second address is also an acquaintance. She is always looking for people to help her with muggle children who stray, having a bad home or drug problems. Would that be something for you? She's a witch herself and I don't know what she thinks about werewolves, but she's a good soul," I explained. Remus' head rose and he looked into my eyes. Now I saw a twinkle in his green soft eyes, and it was what he had needed all along. It was hope.
"But the payment is in Muggle money and unfortunately not much, I guess," I added, but his body straightened further and a small smile crept onto his mouth.
"You know I can get by on little," he whispered. I beamed at him because it was more than I dared hope from my words. Remus deserved so much more than what I could offer him. He was such an incredibly dear and talented person that it pained me what I had to offer him. He was a member of the Order, had fought actively against Voldemort and yet was marginalized in the wizarding community. At the end of a magic society that still housed people like Malfoy or Avery and offered a comfortable life. Was that fair? I knew the Ministry was on the brink of disintegration when viewed from that angle, and it was something that concerned me at the same time.
"Another suggestion, Remus. You take a shower and I'll put things in order here. Then we'll both go down to the bar for lunch." I suggested with a grin. I had to help him out of there because I knew it all too well. It eats away at everything inside of you and it only makes you fail. Sometimes I wondered who had saved him. Me Severus or Severus me.
Remus slowly got up from the old grey leather couch, nodded at me and shuffled into the little bathroom. I sighed with relief and wrote down the names mentioned on a piece of paper for him. And I decided to visit him more often and regularly now.
Then I waved my wand and the dishes in the kitchen washed up, the bottles settled into a box and disappeared, the clothes flew into the washing machine, which immediately turned on, and the floor gleamed to its original state.
When Remus returned to the living room freshly showered and with fresh clothes, he immediately had a different charisma.
"And now again properly!", he said and hugged me warmly, we patted each other gently on the back before breaking away.
"Here, I brought you the latest Daily Prophet. I thought you might be interested," I said, holding out the newspaper. He stared at the article wordlessly, his eyes widening in shock. With trembling fingers, Remus took the newspaper out of my hands and flopped onto the couch. He raised a hand over his mouth as he read the article. He waited a while before looking up.
"That, that... can that be?" he asked me in disbelief.
"Yes, there are a few ingredients on page 4, but you'll probably have to buy the book to get the full recipe," I said, smiling. He quickly flipped to said page before his eyes clouded.
"This is a most complicated potion and the ingredients are prohibitively expensive. Then it has to be brewed fresh every week. That will not do. Unfortunately.", he stated bitterly and threw the newspaper on the other corner of the couch.
"And if I prepare it for you? You know I was better at Potions than you." I said truthfully. And if I needed help brewing the Wolfsbane potion, I had the best man to do it right at my fingertips.
"That's an understatement. Potions was never a good subject for me while you excelled at it like Lily. But I can't ask for that," Remus said, his eyes looking at me sadly, a haze hanging over them again.
"You don't need that either. I'll come here once a week and give it to you.' I determined.
"The costs. That's huge." Remus disagreed, because he knew that I too knew poverty all too well. He knew I only owned used items as a student, but I had built up a small cushion as a healer at St. Mungo's and a teacher at Hogwarts. Little did he know, of course, that I'd invested almost all of that in a secret little cottage by the sea. I also regularly paid the rent for this small apartment in London. But for Remus to be able to use it, it was worth every Muggle money I put into it.
"You forget where I work right now. Most of the ingredients grow in my greenhouse right under my nose and I get the rest myself. I'll be sure Severus…" I bit my lower lip. Damn, why did I slip that out? I almost gave myself away.
"Severus Snape?" Remus asked, his eyes piercing me and I swallowed. "He's at Hogwarts?"
"Yes." I said quietly, my mind racing, but I tried to calm myself. After all, it wasn't a secret that Severus worked there, just for Remus it was an information he wasn't expecting.
"And Dumbledore trusts him? I thought Snape belonged to Voldemort." said Remus in a serious voice and looked at me.
"Severus was acquitted because Dumbledore stood up for him. He switched sides before the end of the war. Dumbledore trusts him completely. That's all I can tell you." I explained quietly and bit my lower lip again.
"And you?" he inquired.
"He is a friend." I rightly stated. Friend and lover is what best describes my connection to Severus right now, I suppose, and I wasn't lying to Remus, I just left out a picante detail.
Remus was silent for a moment and looked into my eyes thoughtfully, raising his eyebrows.
"If Dumbledore trusts him and you trust him, that's enough for me." Remus said, his eyes meeting mine. "I'm not a judge. What Sirius did I wouldn't have thought possible myself. Therewith..."
"Nobody did that, Remus. Not even Dumbledore. Although sometimes I wonder if Dumbledore has done enough. He knew we had a spy in the order. What did he do to find him? Although Sirius seems the most groundless person to do it, Dumbledore could have figured it out." I mused bitterly, glancing at the wall behind Remus at the thought of the old days in the Order. And suddenly I felt like smelling Lily's violet perfume, hearing her hearty laughter when James cracked a stupid joke, seeing Sirius patting his thighs and Remus blushing...it had been so long.
"Dumbledore gave his life to protect Hogwarts. And he has done his best to provide us with information and to educate us. It was our responsibility," Remus said loudly. His hands clenched into fists. But were we really old enough to understand the magnitude of our decision?
"But we were just kids, not ready for what was coming." I threw in quietly, because none of us knew what danger we were really in when we joined the Order after Duelling Club. I bit my lower lip. On the other hand, we had the right reasons for going into this fight.
"It was war and we had chosen a side." he said reproachfully. I looked at my friend in front of me, who had lost everything and was feeling worse than ever through this hard time. Yes, I understood that he wasn't ready to question his mentor, it would call his whole suffering into question, and I wasn't ready to argue with him about the past.
I nodded uncomfortably, avoiding his gaze. He cleared his throat and relaxed visibly shortly thereafter. We were silent for a moment and looked at each other.
"So, Snape is with you at Hogwarts?" asked Remus in a soft voice to divert the topic from Dumbledore and his actions, his eyes seemed to shine through me in a strange way.
"Yes, he's the Potions teacher and Head of Slytherin House," I said, trying to sound casual. Remus narrowed his eyes briefly and studied me further.
"Old Snivellus. Well, who would have thought he'd have a knack for children." Remus laughed at the idea and I couldn't help but join in at the thought of the dubious joy teaching brought Severus.
"Let's put it this way, he's extraordinary gifted in potions," I said, grinning, but tried to look as uninvolved as possible. I wasn't sure how I did it.
"I see," Remus said softly, eyeing me briefly before clearing his throat.
"Then eat?", he asked and I was so relieved inside that my body lost all tension as well.
"Oh, you seem to have been waiting for this." Remus laughed as he registered my relief.
"Yes. But not until you agree to accept my delivery of owls every week. Not that I'm going to all that trouble to make the Wolfsbane Potion for nothing." I stated firmly. This time I was the one who pierced him with her gaze.
"Agreed. As long as you're the Herbology teacher at Hogwarts," he determined, unaware that those days were numbered. I sighed and agreed. But I knew that Remus meant a lot to me and I never wanted to sacrifice him. I wouldn't leave a friend behind. He belonged to me, to my life, and he was the last of my old friends left to me.