Hold tight, you're slowly coming back to life
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up, darling
Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight
I'll be keeping your head up
I'll be keeping your head up, darling
Darling, darling,
Everyone keeps a darker place
To lose control,
You're not alone
And when you come looking for embrace
I know your soul,
I'll be your home
- Keeping your head up by Birdy
The weeks passed quickly and winter hit the castle with an unimaginable bitterness. The clouds drew dark shadows in the old walls and the wind drove the cold through the corridors. It was so completely the opposite of what filled my heart - a heat fuelled by hot passion and love. Every time I met his gaze in the hallway, it flooded me with the awareness that I had finally made it. Severus was totally mine and I was his, we now knew all the secrets of each other, all the dark thoughts and all the joys we had shared. Many people thought secrets were the spice of a relationship, but we both had enough of them in the past and knew they were more of a hindrance than a help to us. We were both beaten by our parents and childhood, so we only wanted to feel closeness, love and connection. We had always longed for it and only the two of us were able to give it to each other.
If it wasn't for the guilt that kept Severus bound, the curse that saw Dumbledore resurrected in the form of one of the worst monsters of our time, the danger Severus was about to face...we could have just been lovers like any other, what finally found to be together forever. But we didn't know if the future brought us death or love. All we knew was that we wanted to find out together.
Severus helped me make the Wolfsbane Potion for my friend Remus, although he still loathed him deeply. And I helped Severus through his dark thoughts, albeit I hoped so badly that someday he could make it without me. Not because I would ever leave him, but simply because I wished him that strength. Escape from the darkness because he's liberated from his guilt over Lily's death, liberated from this extreme burden he could barely bear.
As the blizzard pounded the windows of my office, I waved my wand to fan the flames in my fireplace before devoting myself to an uninspiring first year essay on Puffapods. I also wondered why so few students understood the potential of such plants. It was a subject that might seem boring at first, but why? All the plants I taught could make powerful potions. They were essential to it. But I remembered Severus complaining so often that the students didn't understand that there was more to potions than spells - with those ingredients you could heal, conjure up, even kill and prevent so many things.
"Catherine?" It suddenly called out from my fireplace. I jumped and knocked over my inkwell, spilling it on the lousy student essay. I quickly sucked out the stains with the tip of my wand before smiling at the head in my fire.
"Yes, Severus?" I asked, looking into my lover's black eyes.
"Do I bother you? I can later-" he began, and I interrupted my laughter.
"It would never suit me better Severus." I said and the black haired head pulled back before a body appeared whirling in my chimney and stepped out. Severus carefully brushed the soot off his clothes with his wand. In his left hand he held a small package wrapped in satin emerald wrapping paper with silver hearts on it, the bow burgundy. I grinned as he turned to me.
"Since you don't want to spend Christmas with me this year, I would like to present you with this in the hope that you will at least think of me.", he said and I heard a slightly bitter undertone in his deep voice.
"But, Severus, it's not that I don't want to spend Christmas with you, but Remus needs me and I want to be with him too, since you're going to put up with me all school year." I smiled, knowing that by now he had learned to love my weaknesses as well. So, my clumsiness was something he kissed me lovingly for.
"That this wolf must mean so much to you. I hate him even more for that," Severus said curtly, stepping in front of me. I pushed my chair back with a creaky creak and stood up too, so that our faces were locked in front of each other, our eyes locked.
"Severus, I love you more than anything and Remus is my best friend after you. And you mean one world to me, and he means another and I need you both to be happy." I explained, wrapping my hands around his neck to pull him towards me.
"You're too good with words sometimes," he said, now grinning slightly.
"I've been practicing." I laughed and kissed him passionately, feeling his shoulders sag slightly under my weight, he relaxed.
"I'm so tense without you, it's giving me a bad headache. As soon as I see you, they are blown away. And I never have these haunted dreams when I sleep next to you. How you do that?" he asked me softly after our deep kiss.
"A special kind of magic," I replied with a grin, he looked at me questioningly with raised eyebrows, mouth slightly open in amazement as if he now expects me to reveal the spell, I would have cast on him when we were at school. And that was simple too:
"Love, Severus." He shook his head in amusement.
"Unwrap it," he said in his usual soft and deep voice, pointing to his gift.
"But it's not Christmas yet, Severus." I laughed but proceeded to carefully unwrap his present. It was an empty silver picture frame with heliotropes twining along the sides. It was filigree and I liked it, but I gave Severus a short, irritated look while he couldn't help but smile. He waved his wand briefly and a magical photo camera fell into his hands.
"I thought it was time for a new picture of the two of us," he said quietly, lifting it uncertainly.
"But isn't it dangerous if someone found out?" I asked, although the thought made my heartbeat faster. It was such a beautiful idea of Severus's, and I knew it was something that would grace my time in the future. Especially if we could no longer be so close every day.
"What can we do magic for, Catherine?" he asked with a mischievous grin. "I'll edit the photo so that only the two of us can see it, outsiders see a photo of... shall we say Urquhart Rackharrow?" he asked now with an apparently thoughtful expression that made me laugh again. Urquhart Rackharrow was a famous healer and the inventor of the Entrail-Expelling Curse.
"That's fine by me." I said softly, pulling him back in to taste his lips on mine. Suddenly I heard a click from one side and turned to see the camera on me and Severus.
"So, without warning?"; I asked grinning.
"I just like it natural and not staged," he whispered meaningfully as I took the camera from him and placed it on my desk. He raised his eyebrows.
"Later, Severus…" I breathed into his throat, causing him to shiver with excitement and wrap his arms around me, pulling me tight and kissing me passionately.
The next morning, I surprised Severus with his own Christmas present. He slowly and delicately unwrapped a pair of emerald-green silk pyjamas with silver cauldrons on them. He looked at me with raised eyebrows. I immediately had to grin at the sight.
"Well, I thought that if you spend the nights without me in the future, then you should be comfortable and think of me. I put a spell on them so that it exudes my scent. You told me that you sleep so badly without me. Maybe that will help you a bit?" I explained to him and immediately a small grin spread across his pale face.
"And you want me to dispose of my old grey sleeping nightgown for that?" he asked with a mocking twinkle in his eyes while sniffing his gift lightly and spreading an even wider smile.
"That would be a nice side effect," I laughed, rolling onto my back.
Loving this man and being loved back by him made me so incredibly happy that I knew how stupidly grinning I had to walk around Hogwarts the whole time and I wondered if Severus was having a hard time keeping a straight face in front of the students. He had to be intimidating, like he was before we were dating, so no one would find out our secret.
"Severus, how do you manage to stay so normal as a teacher, in front of the students and the staff, like our relationship doesn't even exist, even though you..." I faltered, but he knew what I was getting at.
"Even though I'm grinning like a bloody honey pie all the time with the joy of having you as my wife by my side?" he asked, grabbing a strand of hair to let it run through his graceful long fingers, as he loved to do.
"Yes. I walk around like the Cheshire Cat from that muggle fairy tale, unable to do anything about it. I'm just glad that people seem to think I've always been like that. Nobody noticed except Remus." I told him, looking at his face.
"Exercise, I guess. So many things get better with practice, and I think Occlumency. Also, I'm actually often angry at this useless student body that doesn't even remotely care about my subject, when the possibilities are endless...never mind, now is not the time to get worked up about these nuisances. So you told Lupin about us?" He raised his eyebrows at me and let my strand of hair fall.
"Of course not, Severus. But he immediately found out that I am now happily taken. He's not stupid and knows me all too well," I explained, frowning and amazed that he thought I was making such a fundamental mistake.
"And he left it at that? He didn't ask who exactly your partner is?" Severus asked, his tone now sounding sceptical, while his upper body facing me trembled slightly.
"No, because he knows that some people like to keep their secrets," I said softly, examining my secret to see that my answer didn't satisfy him.
"You think he doesn't care if his good friend has a partner she'd rather not talk about?" His eyebrows rose even further, so that they were barely visible under his black hair. But he was right, if I were Remus, it would have made me suspicious, and I would question it. But I wasn't Remus. Remus, with the biggest secret he had to keep from anyone and at any cost.
"I'll check if you want. But like I told you, I trust him." I said softly, biting my bottom lip. Severus immediately registered my uncertainty and now ran his finger gently over my swollen lower lip.
"You do not have to. That would probably make him suspicious at the latest. And I trust you and if that means having to trust Lupin as well, then I guess I will have to." He whispered softly and now brushed a long strand of hair out of my forehead with his hand and positioned it lovingly behind my ear before his gaze returned to my eyes.
Severus had finally understood it, and I was happy that he was finally able to trust me and my judgement, because his past with his parents, Lily and I, meant that this essence of a relationship was lacking. Trust.
That day we had to appear at breakfast together, which couldn't be avoided, since we only got out of bed late and Severus had to go through my fireplace in his office beforehand, so that nobody saw us coming out of my private rooms together. But it got us irritated looks from the other teachers, because Severus in particular was known for his early punctuality.
Just as I was stuffing the scrambled eggs from my golden plate into my mouth, the headmaster spoke to me.
"Professor, perhaps you could come to my office before the dinner tonight? I have some things to talk about with you." His light blue eyes glared at me through his half-moon glasses. Severus next to me had heard chewing. I choked down the food quickly and tried to compose myself before I could answer with a sure voice.
"Of course, Professor Dumbledore. Is the password the same as last time?" I asked, looking at him steadily, he shook his head.
"Pepper Imps," Minerva whispered to me, looking at me and Dumbledore curiously. Apparently, she didn't know why the headmaster wanted to see me either.
"Then we'll talk later," I stated, nodding to Dumbledore. He looked at me seriously without a smile on his lips. He suddenly radiated a power towards me that made me shudder.
I glanced sideways at Severus, who had put down the cutlery. He had obviously lost his appetite, as had I. And when I saw that Minerva was about to address me, no doubt curious about my forthcoming interview with Dumbledore, I rose hastily, saying goodbye on the pretense of having something to prepare in the greenhouse for the next lesson, brushing my back slightly as I did so Severus barely twitching. In truth, however, I made my way to the empty classroom on the ground floor, which had already been waiting for us for a few hours of togetherness, hoping that Severus had taken my hint. I nervously paced the room, back and forth. Could the headmaster know about our relationship? If so, what does this mean for our future?
After about 5 minutes of pondering, the door I had locked was magically opened and Severus entered, paler than usual and with an odd twinkle in his black eyes.
"He knows, doesn't he?" I asked immediately in an uncertain voice, I noticed that my hands were shaking slightly, Severus didn't miss it either, because he grabbed them immediately. His touch suddenly made me calm. Not only did I seem to be working this magic on him, but he was on me as well. What if that happiness were taken away from us now?
"Indeed." Severus stated bluntly, I gasped in horror.
"It was only a matter of time, Catherine. He's not stupid and I've changed because of you even if I wanted to keep it a secret."
"But then why doesn't he talk to you or both of us about it? You're on good terms with him, aren't you?" I spoke.
"Yes, he trusts me and gave me a second chance that only you gave me besides him. I give him credit for that. He has my respect," he said softly, looking at me just as seriously as Dumbledore had before.
"So, what does this mean for us now?" I asked in a shaky voice, looking away from him to the old bookcase behind him.
"We will know after your conversation. Best try to let him talk, say as little as necessary at first." gave me Severus as an advice.
"Hm..." I pressed myself against his body and felt his arms encircle me tightly and he pressed his head against mine. I closed my eyes, enjoyed his closeness, his warmth, his scent... everything that gave me a feeling of security and love.
I wondered why I was so insecure around the Headmaster when Severus and Remus both thought so highly of him. To both he seemed to be some kind of role model or even mentor, while I felt like I couldn't see through him.
After a few hours of teaching, I found myself on the steps outside the Great Hall, about to go to the Headmaster. The cold in the entrance hall literally made my blood freeze in my veins, because I was used to the warmth of the greenhouses that had accompanied me during the day. I was lost in my thoughts as I worked on myself with a few cleansing spells.
"Should I accompany you?", a soft voice asked next to me, I turned around and looked into black eyes. I hadn't noticed him coming out of the dungeon rooms. I smiled at him gratefully, he was there for me. Always.
And before I could reply anything, another hand was on my shoulder and I was looking into the Headmaster's old face.
"Oh, Catherine. Glad I'm going to catch you right here. Do you have time for me now? Or am I interrupting an important conversation?" he asked and at the last words his gaze wandered questioningly over Severus, who immediately stiffened.
"No, I have time, Headmaster," I said quickly.
"Then please come with me," he said, holding out his arm. I nodded goodbye to Severus, whose face was now pale.
"Headmaster, would you mind if I join this conversation?" Severus asked quietly. His eyes were narrowed to slits and I knew he didn't want to let me into the lion's den alone without a snake to accompany me.
"It's a talk between the two of us, if you allow me, Severus. However, I should speak to you soon as well. Please remind me of our appointment after dinner tonight," Dumbledore said before pulling me along and putting my arm in his. Severus nodded silently and looked after us uneasily.
"Did you have a good time with the students today? I get the impression you're a capable teacher who's also very popular with the students," Dumbledore said in his conversational tone.
"Yes, it was very interesting. I like teaching the kids something, although I'm not sure if some of them follow my lessons or prefer to just sit back and chat or dream." I said softly, directing my gaze forward through the corridors. Some students watched us curiously.
"If I remember correctly, you were more of a dreamer?" he asked, seemingly casually.
"It depended on the subject," I said, my steps quickening.
"Well, you were a quick learner in Apparating anyway. And you later dated the Aparrier teacher, the older Prewett, didn't you?" he asked, seemingly casually.
"Yes, until Gideon died," I replied dryly, my arm jerking in his grip.
Dumbledore looked at me from under his half-moon glasses as we got to the gargoyle.
"It must have hit you very hard. I'm afraid I never offered my condolences to you, only to Molly," he said, eyes sad as the gargoyle let us pass without a password. I nodded uneasily.
"Have a seat, please," he said, setting himself down in his large chair across from me.
"Have you considered my offer to become Head of Gryffindor House, or have other plans come up?" he asked me with an inquiring look. Thoughts raced in my head. So, I averted my eyes from Dumbledore. He shouldn't have a chance to capture even one of them.
"I have to admit that I'm not averse," I began. My eyes now turned to the phoenix in its cage. An urge to release him rose in me. I balled my hands into fists. The animal was trapped, like me.
"It sounds like a but though..." Dumbledore said, leaning back in his chair as if expecting a lengthy explanation.
"It would bind me to Hogwarts for the rest of my life," I said hesitantly, looking into his blue eyes again.
"Isn't that what you want? I have the impression that you feel very comfortable here and enjoy all the amenities this castle has to offer." he said and a certain undertone clearly resonated.
"I'm not sure if it's really what I want for the rest of my life." I stated and let my eyes slide over some whistling equipment on his tables.
"Teaching doesn't seem to be the problem. I only hear good things about you, your students have done exceptionally well in recent exams. You are very popular with the students. So what is it that makes you doubt?" Dumbledore asked me bluntly.
"The finality about my life. The Professors here have no family close by. I don't know if I want that for myself." I stated thoughtfully.
"Yes, they always wanted a functioning family, I remember. So, Gideon Prewett was obvious." Dumbledore replied, raising my eyebrows questioningly.
"He brought an extraordinarily large and kindhearted family into your life, didn't he? Unlike others who are on their own," Dumbledore said, clasping his hands together before resting his head on them to get a closer look at me. I swallowed. He was talking about Severus, it was obvious wasn't it?
"There is nothing wrong with longing for security and love. But sometimes life doesn't necessarily give you what you want. Then one should see that one grasps at the straw that presents itself. Especially since I could imagine that your skills will be fully exploited here. You can shape students, impart knowledge, and experience," he said, regarding me with his serious light blue eyes.
"Why is it so important to you that I stay here? You could always find someone else for that position," I stated.
"Your skills are unique. And your previous connections might be useful," he said, which sent my thoughts racing again, which I was trying to shield from him. Why wasn't I as good at Occlumency as I'd like? But what did he mean by my previous connections? There was only Remus left...and-
"Harry Potter. You're thinking of him, am I right?" I asked directly.
"He would make your acquaintance in the next year. Isn't that what you always wanted?"
"No, what I wanted was affection for him, not to be his teacher. You robbed me of the opportunity to be what Lily and James intended for him to be. They both wanted me to raise him, not those muggles."
"And you didn't waste a chance to get in touch, right? Although I asked for distance, you sent gifts and letters," Dumbledore said, not sounding reproachful but rather impressed that I didn't follow his instructions. But I was shocked by his knowledge of it. Was this man missing anything at all? First the reference to Severus and now this.
"You know it? Then you could tell me how he's doing, if he received it and-" I started excitedly.
"No. He doesn't know anything about you. And that's how it will stay if you don't want to be his teacher or his mentor," he said dryly and didn't seem to tolerate any arguments.
"I could have been more for him!" I spat at him with a defiant face.
"You know you weren't able to. You were a shadow of yourself."
"You made me this way!" I said now, my voice shaking. I felt anger spread inside me, my cheeks flushed.
"I? What makes you think that?" he asked, now visibly surprised. He probably didn't expect my anger. Apparently I could still surprise him from time to time.
"You are responsible for their deaths. Gideon, Fabian, Lily, James, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary and the many others- their blood is on your hands, Dumbledore! You didn't do anything to protect them!" I yelled, now lost. It was something I've always wanted out of me. But he did something I didn't expect, he said nothing and bowed his head.
"Yes, I haven't done enough to protect these people," he said sadly, took off his glasses and slowly put his hand on the bridge of his nose. He rubbed her as if it would calm him down. "But we saved a lot of lives. Much more than we had to sacrifice. It has been difficult to assume the position of leader. Decisions had to be made, risks weighed. And every single innocent life that's lost saddens me more than you can imagine."
I looked at him and suddenly the powerful wizard seemed fragile and something like sympathy for him flowed through me and banished my anger at him. I swallowed and nodded. So, we were silent for a while.
"You know what task Severus has in future?" he asked me quietly, putting his glasses back on his crooked nose. There's no point in denying this, so I nodded again.
"Can I assume he's still ready for this? That nothing and nobody come between him and this task?" he asked me with a piercing look and I knew he was trying to get into my thoughts.
"Yes," I said simply, shielding him with all the will I could muster. I did what Severus taught me - I only showed him what he was allowed to see. So, Dumbledore could only see that Harry's well-being meant a lot to me and that I too wanted to see him set up against Voldemort in the best possible way, if that were to happen at all.
"I have your word? Do you swear it by your friendship with Lily?" he asked in more detail, and it pained me that he was taking advantage of my deep connection to Lily, even though I knew he was playing this game with Severus as well.
I nodded, signing off on our future, which was now at the will of Albus Dumbledore.