I hope you enjoy the last chapter for the time being, which takes place in Hogwarts.
Side note: In the books I felt it was a shame that Charlie Weasley came up short so I wanted to put him in a bit more here and maybe find an explanation as to why he left Britain, why he never married. You might like my idea of an unhappy love affair with a certain teacher. Maybe not. Feel free to comment again. I would be happy to read something from you about your opinion.
Don't believe the lies
Your echoing heartbeat
Echoing heart beats keeps your time
It's crashing lately
Your echoing heartbeat, echoing heartbeat
Is all you leave behind
All you leave behind
Can you leave a light on for me?
The spaces solidify
Sleeping with your eyes wide open
As black as the darkest sky
- All You Leave Behind by Hannah Cartwright & Ross Tones
In the last week after the O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. exams I was working on preparing the greenhouses for the summer holidays and my successor Pamona Sprout. Since Professor Kesselbrand was no longer able to represent Hufflepuff House as Head of House due to his age and various injuries, the new herbalism teacher had this task in front of her. It was going to be a nice career for my successor as a former Hufflepuff and It almost became my job.
I sighed and tried to shake off the negative thoughts because Severus and I want to enjoy our last time together away from Hogwarts and I didn't want to spoil it with dark thoughts.
Suddenly there was a hesitant knock on the door. I straightened up while some dirt fell out of my hair. I smiled mischievously at Charlie Weasley's freckled face.
"Hello, Mister Weasley! Do you also want to say goodbye to the greenhouses? I understand you have an offer from the England National Quidditch team to be a Seeker. Very impressive," I stated, and it was true because I knew practical work suited him better than an office job. As a result, he excelled in Herbology and Magical Creatures, while not doing particularly well in Potions or Transfiguration.
Charlie nodded but seemed unsure.
"Actually, I'd like to say goodbye to you personally." he said in a low voice and his ears blushed.
"Oh, but of course.". I ran up to him and held out my hand, which was full of dirt.
"Sorry, I have that right away." With a tap of my wand, my hand was clean again.
Charlie shook me gently and took a long time to release my hand. I looked into his amber eyes, which reminded me of Gideon again. But Charlie was stockier than Gideon and his face didn't bear much resemblance to him.
There was a brief silence before I found words.
"It was a pleasure to have you in my class. You were an excellent student, Mister Weasley. On the other hand, when I think about your twin brothers…" I grinned while he blushed again.
"I wanted to ask you something." He began slowly after taking a few short breaths.
"Gladly. What is it?" I asked, trying to calm his insecurity with a confident look.
"Now that I have my N.E.W.T.s and I'm no longer a student at Hogwarts… I'd like to ask you if we can meet up," he blurted out quickly. I looked at him, my grin disappearing.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked uncertainly.
"I'd like to... go out with you. As a pair." he said and his eyes met mine insecure.
This time I blushed but was still shocked by his request and looked at him sharply.
"Mister Weasley, I'm not sure you're serious. I'm almost 13 years older than you and-"
"I don't care! When I first saw you, I knew that I can only love you and never another woman. You are so... amazing, I can hardly find words to describe you. When you were on my uncle's side, I already felt a jealousy inside me that I couldn't put into words. I thought for a while after his death that those feelings were responsible for his death...I blamed myself for it." he explained, his eyes wandered between his feet for a moment until he looked serious in my face again.
"Charlie, no, you're not. The only ones responsible for this were Voldemort and his followers." I said quickly to calm him down. I couldn't imagine what that must have been like for him as a boy. Although, hadn't I believed for a while that Gideon and Fabian could still live without me?
"I know that. And yet, since those early childhood days, I have wanted nothing but to be with you. Please, at least give me a chance to show that I'm a mature man now!" His voice grew louder and more energetic than I knew it. He looked me in the face aggressively as if to prove his words to me. It was a delicate situation and I had to think briefly about how I could solve it. Despite everything, of course, I also felt flattered by his words.
"I don't doubt that at all. And thank you for your very nice words! But you are only 18 years old. You will find a woman your age who will love you the way you deserve."
"I only want you! Why can't you understand? I love you! I can be worthy of you I'll do anything you want I can give up the Quidditch career or-"
"No, Charlie. I have to ask you to stop!" I raised my eyebrows at him, obviously taking his feelings seriously, even though I thought they were just a pipe dream.
"I cannot do that. Give me a chance, please! Or is there already a man in your life?" He gave me a challenging look and I swallowed. How was I going to tell a young man who was begging me that I wasn't interested without breaking his heart forever?
I wasn't expecting that at all. I knew he liked me, but that he loved me? A student who loves his teacher who was so much older? Unimaginable and absurd for me.
"Charlie, listen. I have to tell you very clearly that I don't feel the way you hoped I would. I am your teacher and I see you as my student. You only know me as a teacher. Maybe I don't meet your expectations at all. I don't want you to make rash decisions because of me." I explained to him, trying to sound calm even though his emotions were roiling me. And before Charlie opened his mouth to reply, I suddenly heard a soft throat clearing behind me.
"Is there a problem here?" a low voice asked menacingly. Startled, Charlie Weasley turned around.
Severus stood at the door to the greenhouse in all his menacing height he could muster and eyed the flushed boy disparagingly.
"No, everything is fine. Mister Weasley just wanted to say goodbye, didn't he?" I said, my voice low but higher than usual. There was something about it that Severus glancing at me briefly.
"Please, consider my words!" Charlie ground out in my direction before hesitantly exiting the greenhouse, glaring at Severus in hate in the process.
We watched him in silence until the red-haired boy was out of sight.
"So, you did indeed break his heart." Severus stated mockingly, not without a small grin on his lips.
I felt nauseous and leaned against a wooden table piled with clay pots.
"Yes, it seems so and it's not something I'm proud of. I wonder when I might have gotten his hopes up. I-" I began, thinking that maybe I had been too friendly with him.
"It's not your fault, although I warned you not to be too nice to those teenage students. And I'm afraid the redhead isn't the only one who sees more in you than a teacher. It's only a matter of time before the next one showers you with ridiculous displays of love. That's the advantage when the students are afraid of you. In my classes, no foolish brat would think of being in love with me or that I feel anything but disgust. Just the thought is absurd."
I swallowed and Severus could tell by the look on my face that I was distressed by the situation. He looked around quickly to make sure everything was clear and then hugged me tightly.
"No worries. In a year he chose a woman his own age!" he whispered. "Besides, I can understand him well. Glad you weren't my teacher at Hogwarts. I would have studied day and night to impress you."
Severus grinned at me.
"Oh, stop it!" I said, but I had to smile a little at his words. I felt a lot more comfortable just thinking about Severus being right, Charlie would certainly have forgotten me quickly.
"Maybe I would have become a Master of Herbology then," Severus said mischievously, and I threw dirt at him in response.
"Not so stormy. Better save that for tonight, woman!" he said, laughing, his eyes sparkling.
"What are you even doing here?" I asked him and threw at him again, making him duck and crouch before answering.
"Well, I saw Weasley run up to you. After he had no more classes with you, I was expecting such an outburst of emotion. It wasn't just his gaze when he looked at you. He's been the best in my class since fifth year when it came to questions about the plants and mushrooms used in potions. So, it was obvious."
"Just not for me," I replied sourly. Now Severus threw dirt at me and we both had to laugh before he wrapped his arms around me again and wiped away any dark thoughts with a long kiss.
Still, that evening I thought about Charlie Weasley, who consistently avoided my gaze in his final days at Hogwarts. I finally knew what it felt like to have found love at a very young age. And not getting that fulfilled was terrible. On the other hand, I was much older than he was, and it seemed to me doubtful that he could really have such strong feelings for an older woman as he claimed. Also, my heart had been in the hands of the current Head of Slytherin for decades. However, a conversation on my penultimate night at Hogwarts should set me straight.
"Did you hear? Charlie Weasley actually turned down the job offer as a seeker for the English National Team," Minerva told me over the last dinner at the castle. The students had left the day before and the teachers had planned a small farewell party for me. There was some music from an old muggle record player, a big feast, and warm words for me.
"Why?" I ask in astonishment.
"He's off to Romania instead to research dragons. Strange, isn't it? As well as his incredible talent at Quidditch he got top marks, after all. All doors were open to him." Minerva said and Filius nodded eagerly next to her to confirm her.
"Yes indeed. But why Romania then?" I asked loudly.
"It is rumoured that he wanted to leave England because of an unhappy love affair. Well, be young again..." Minerva said dreamily and with transfigured eyes as if she were just about to lie in the arms of her former lover again.
I swallowed and looked at Severus, who was happier about his meal than he had been in a long time. On the contrary, he had hardly eaten in the last few days because my departure was such a burden on him like it was for me.
"Oh, the boy has always had a thing for dragons. They're really pretty animals, aren't they?" Hagrid smacked loudly next to us.
"Mh, he was always exceptionally good at the practical classes," confirmed Professor Kesselbrand, standing beside Hagrid. "Nevertheless, for the England National Quidditch team - that's every young man's dream."
At that moment, I really hoped that Charlie hadn't given up the glory of playing on one of those Quidditch teams because of me, and that his love of dragons was the real reason he fled to Romania.
But it wasn't my place to keep an eye on the boy's future and so I said goodbye to any guilt I might have for his departure to Romania. My own farewell was simply too present for that.
Before I left for Hogwarts the next morning with my heavy suitcase, I hugged all the teachers and the Headmaster. Severus only hugged briefly and from a certain distance, he was notorious for not valuing physical contact very much. Anything else would have been conspicuous, although I got the impression that Minerva looked at us in surprise as we briefly hugged.
But his eyes sparkled when I released him from our touch, and I knew it would only be a quick goodbye to Severus. In two days, I would be holding him close in Cokeworth, kissing him and giving him the hug he deserved.
We still had all summer.
But it was over far too quickly.
There we were together in Cokeworth, in each other's arms.
We both lay silently in each other's arms, unable to move. Severus stroked my back lovingly, but he should have broken away from me long ago to start the new school year at Hogwarts. He would face Harry Potter for the first time, the reason for his guilt, the reason for our physical separation.
And I was late too, Remus was waiting for me in my new accommodation. But instead of getting up, grabbing our bags and saying goodbye to each other, we clung to every last second together. We buried our faces in our bodies, groping one after the other, clutching each other tightly. Neither of us dared speak, destroying this moment with the reminder of being late. It was like stopping time by just not surrendering to it. Just stayed together.
But in that innocent moment, a question burned through my heart, because the fear of loss was suddenly felt in me again. I've been in the arms of a man who's been taken from me before. And while my feelings for Severus were entirely stronger, it only made my fear for him worse.
"Severus, what exactly is Dumbledore asking of you?" I asked the man at my side, who drew in a sharp breath. He glanced around the empty room before answering quietly.
"He wants me to be the boy's mentor when he is no longer able. Because I have information about the Dark Lord and can protect the boy and teach him strong magic. And if the Dark Lord should show up sooner, as all indications are now, I shall provide valuable information. That's why it's so important that the boy doesn't get to know you or know about you as his godmother. With that importance to the boy, you would be the perfect target for Voldemort to harm him. They will do anything to take what he loves from him and wear him down when the need arises. And if something happens to you, I will no longer be able to fulfil my task. I thought I would have already explained it to you." Severus raised his eyebrows and looked at me with interest.
"Yes, you did. But you know what Dumbledore is asking of you?" I asked softly, shuddering at the thought.
"Yes, I am in constant danger that the Dark Lord could find out about these plans. If that should happen, I will die. Death happens to anyone who stands in the way of his plans. It's something I had to learn the hard way, and it showed me just how wrong the path I was on behaved." Severus said thoughtfully, running his fingers over my arm which was clutching him.
"It scares me, Severus." I whispered in awe. Then he looked deep into my eyes.
"I know I won't let it come to this. To my even greater concern, that the same fate awaits you if our relationship were to be revealed by anyone who would tell others. That's why I don't think much of your close connection with Lupin. You know I don't trust the werewolf."
My body suddenly tensed under his words and Severus scowled at me.
"Sorry, I don't want to interfere with your decision for the friendship with him. I just want to show you again that discretion is the only thing that will get us out of here alive and ensure a future together." he whispered in a deep voice.
I thought about his words for a moment before answering.
"I know you're right, Severus. I'm careful. I would never compromise your safety. But I trust Remus and we need each other. I can't explain it to you either, it's like the losses weave a tight bond around us over the past few years. We've become as close as siblings, so I see him as my family. As do you. You're my man and he's my brother." I said slowly, seeing a smile form on his lips at my last sentence.
"I understand and I'm working on the fact that at least I don't care about Lupin. And as long as I'm your man and not him..."
"How can you doubt that?" I asked excitedly.
"You know my past. Anytime I've loved something, no matter what kind- it was taken from me. And you- you're the best in my life. You mean more to me than words can express, so I avoid displays of love, it never lives up to what I feel. An 'I love you' doesn't even remotely match how I feel because it seems so much more between us." he said, staring into mine with his black eyes. I was so full of love for this man that I knew exactly what he meant.
"Severus, if you say something like that, then I really can't say goodbye. How am I supposed to say it now?" I explained, my throat dry.
"Then just don't do it. I won't either because I know we'll be seeing us again sooner than you think." He said, his eyes starting to sparkle. Maybe they got as wet as mine, I couldn't make it out as I turned around before tears rolled down my cheek.
However, Severus was the more dutiful part of us and I felt him reluctantly pull away after quite a while of intimacy after taking one last deep breath from my hair.
"It's time," he whispered, his voice unexpectedly cracked. I nodded and looked into his deep black eyes, lost in them as I often did before he rose and took his warmth with him. Shaking slightly, I lingered briefly on the empty bed, watching Severus button his shirt before getting up to put my dress on myself.
"Send me an owl. I want to know all about your days away from Hogwarts." Severus said after checking the impeccability of his clothes in the mirror.
"And you're texting me about the boy?" I asked, putting on my shoes before getting off the bed to sink into his arms again.
"As soon as possible." Severus answered softly and kissed my forehead lovingly.
"I love you, Severus," I said, grabbing my trunk that was next to me.
"I know." Severus stated firmly, making me smile. He was still not very good when it came to his feelings and the right words, although he had improved a lot in that area. We both had different access to our feelings. But I didn't find this contrast regrettable, it opened up a different perspective for both of us.
"Don't forget that!" Severus demanded sternly and I raised my eyebrows questioningly. "Your smile. It's the most beautiful thing I know," he added with a grin. It was exactly the approach I meant and otherwise it always worked for us. But today I just nodded and my smile froze at the thought of what inevitably followed. The end of our carefree time.
"I'll try to be with you every night," he said softly, lifting my chin for a kiss goodbye. He knew I would miss him every night that he wasn't with me. It was unnecessary for me to say it. And I knew he would keep his word because he couldn't bear the thought of not seeing me either. And yet I could already see the circles under his eyes getting bigger. He hasn't slept well the past few weeks.
"Promise me to sleep too, Severus. The potion and side effects are-"
"They are irrelevant to me. I need to see you. Otherwise, I can't stand it when the boy comes to Hogwarts. Dumbledore told me he was a spitting image of his father. Except for the eyes, those are Lily's." Severus said his voice strangely mad, distorted as if he were holding back some great emotion that boded ill.
He hugged me even tighter. I could feel the bitterness of the past catching up with him again, but I couldn't protect him from it because I couldn't be by his side at Hogwarts. We ruled that out because it was too dangerous. Since Dumbledore firmly believed that Voldemort still existed and would awaken again. Then he would summon his former Death Eaters. And Severus had to heed that call unreservedly and then as a Muggle-born witch I would be in grave danger. Because the Dark Lord would not accept anyone like me at Severus' side.
"Remember, Harry is half Lily, even though he might look like James," I said, stroking his hair soothingly with one hand.
"Anyway, I hope he has her wits, her gift for magic, and not his father's easygoing arrogance. And I pray that the boy is worth all of this." Severus said bitterly, his eyes still foggy from the thought of James. I sighed, which turned his full attention back to me.
"Have faith, Severus," I told him, trying to smile confidently. But what could we expect from an 11-year-old boy raised by muggles who were certainly still as Lily had described them to me?
I grabbed some floo powder in my hand and threw it on the fire, muttering my aim. Everything around me was spinning, I only saw the black figure out of the corner of my eye, which was now irrevocably moving away from me.