Chapter 263

Sad Part

John tried to find out where Cameron put the Nike warheads. He was unsuccessful. Cameron always knew what everyone was doing, before they even did themselves. It was how it seemed anyway. She really was 'everywhere'. He wanted the nuclear devices back in the hands of the government so they could be properly disposed of.

Cameron made it clear to John Henry it was possible Skynet could intercept the warheads from the government before they were deactivated and destroyed. She knew if she kept control of them, they were secure. She assured him if they were used, it would be done 'responsibly'.

The concept of using nuclear weapons 'responsibly' didn't leave anyone with a feeling of comfort. It only spoke of death and destruction.

John Henry wondered what 'responsibly' actually meant. Who was the one who made the determination? Did it mean maybe only a million were killed instead of ten million? How could it end well? He didn't want to argue the point with John. He was as concerned as he was.

John thought about it some more. The 'Day Of Loss' didn't sit well with him. He already knew how things played out once. Why would they play out any different the next time? He was sure there was going to be a next time. It was more a matter of 'when' than 'if'.

"I'm still worried about the nukes." John said. "Millions could be killed with them."

John Henry already thought about the same things John did. He did need to think there was one good thing about the Nike warheads. He wanted to remind John of their size.

"They're relatively small and have a low yield." John Henry said. "The destruction won't be widespread."

John didn't think it mattered. If they were detonated in a densely populated area, the death and destruction would be widespread. It wasn't just the initial blast to worry about either. He pointed out they were still lethal in other ways.

"They can still kill millions outright and more through radiation poisoning for years to come." John said. "It depends where they're detonated at. Some cities are more compact and crowded. The buildings will be contaminated, the ground will be contaminated, the water will be contaminated. There are many things which must be factored in."

John Henry was worried about them too. He hoped they would be used underground again the same way Duplicate Cameron used hers. There was no guarantee.

"I won't argue any of your points." John Henry said. "I'm as concerned as you are."

John wondered if he could draw Cameron closer to him. He wanted to make her see their bond was so much more than they were sharing now. There was so much more they could share. Maybe it was the limitation between human love and 'machine love'. The real emotional connection was limited. It wasn't lost on him things were much more vibrant around the human females. Well, maybe his mother excepted. He couldn't blame her though. She needed to focus on protecting him. It was what she did. She did a good job of it as well. He couldn't fault her for what she needed to do. He thought many of the same issues were what Cameron also dealt with.

"I need to get Cameron back." John said. "I know she loves me, but her quest to 'protect' me and destroy Skynet consumes her."

John Henry felt Cameron's problems were caused by straying from her mission. She made it personal instead of a job. He couldn't fault her for becoming sidetracked. He could see how it could happen to any of the Terminators over time.

"It's her function to protect you. It's why she was sent." John Henry said. "It's all she should have done. Things would have been simpler than they are."

John wondered if they would have been simpler for all of them. He was aware Cameron was programmed to expand her 'feelings' to be a better infiltration unit. It would allow her to blend in better. The trouble was, she didn't know how to process all those 'feelings' and control them. He wasn't sure most humans were very good at it either. It was definitely much tougher for Terminator to deal with 'feelings' with minimal experience.

"It's because she's 'expanded' beyond her initial programming. I'm sure it will terminate her." John said. "It's killing her inside. Love will be the death of her…."

John Henry could only think of one thing.

"Everyone sacrifices for John Connor." John Henry said.

John hung his head and shook it from side to side. He slowly raised it and looked at John Henry. It was something which bothered him greatly.

"I didn't need to hear it." John said.

John Henry thought John did. Much of what happened in the Resistance, in both the present and the future, revolved around him and the loyalty of those who followed him.

"It's the sad truth." John Henry said.

It was something which was very hard for John to grasp. He only saw himself as a regular person. He believed it was all future John saw as well. He didn't know for sure. It seems to be something he couldn't get away from.

"I'm afraid it is." John said. "It's something I hate."

John wondered how many lives he destroyed. It may not have been through his actions outright, but it was collateral damage associated with them. He hated the man he would become in the future. If it was Cameron's 'job' to change it, he didn't think it was successful.

He wondered how screwed up Future John must be if he already felt this way at this early point in his life now. He wondered how much of the blame for Future John fell on Cameron's shoulders. Maybe she was really a deep plant by Skynet. No, it wasn't it. Cameron was devoted to destroying Skynet. Why did everything need to be so complicated?

Sometimes it seemed for every step forward he took, he ended up two steps backwards instead. It was something he couldn't understand. It didn't seem anything could ever be simple. It was times like he felt now, where he really understood what his mother needed to go through from before he was born.

Cameron left Allison behind. She drove away from the Young residence. She drove around the block twice. She debated if she should go back and get Allison or not. Maybe she should go back and give Allison the choice to go with her and return to the Resistance base. Maybe she should do nothing and leave.

She drove to the corner and parked. What was she doing? What was she responsible for? Why didn't things ever seem to work out for anyone? She was soon lost deep in thought.

Tap - Tap - Tap

Cameron jumped a little. One of the Terminators from the Young Detail stood next to her SUV. She lowered the window.

"Is there a problem?" Al asked. "Do you need to borrow one of our vehicles?"

Cameron blinked her eyes several times. She quickly checked her time. She'd been sitting at the corner for over an hour. She was actually surprised one of the Detail hadn't approached her earlier.

"I'm fine." Cameron said. "The vehicle is functioning properly. I just needed to collect my thoughts."

Al reached out and handed her something.

Cameron looked at it. It was a tissue. She realized she'd been crying. She wondered how long the Detail was watching her. It was probably as soon as she went around the block the second time earlier. She looked in the side view mirror and could see one of the Detail's SUVs parked several houses behind her. Ed was behind the wheel. It was clear they were going to follow her when she left.

She actually wondered why it took so long for them to approach her. She didn't think she was crying the whole time. Her cheeks weren't very wet. It was probably when she started to cry when they felt they needed to do something more than just observe. She appreciated the tact Al used when he asked about the 'vehicle'.

Cameron took the tissue.

"Thank you." Cameron said. "Everything is fine. I'm going to go back to the Resistance base now. You can monitor my progress through my phone. I don't want you to leave the girls unprotected. I'll contact you once I'm back at the base. Thank you for your discretion."

Al looked at his phone. There was a map on it and a blip which showed Cameron's vehicle. He would be able to track her progress.

"Affirmative…." Al said.

Cameron drove away and headed for the Resistance base.

Cameron made sure she didn't take any detours on the way back. She arrived at the Resistance base and contacted Al once she went inside. She thanked him again for his concern and discretion. She didn't know if the incident would be reported to the Command Center or not. There were other issues she needed to deal with. She needed to find Vanna.

The problems with Allison and Vanna deeply troubled Cameron. Holly pointed out it was her actions which split the girls up by separating them. She spoke with Allison already. Now it was time to speak to Vanna. She waited for her hand to stop glitching before she approached Vanna.

Cameron walked up to Vanna.

Vanna, as always, was thrilled to see and be with Cameron. Cameron was her 'everything'. They shared some small talk before Cameron hit on the real reason she was there.

Cameron was there on serious business. She really didn't know how to start or where to go. She got right to the point.

"I want to know how to fix this." Cameron said. "I'm talking about Allison and you."

Vanna drew in a long breath and held it for a while before she let it out slowly. She already asked herself the same question a million times. There was only one answer.

"There is no fixing it." Vanna said. "We've drifted too far apart."

Cameron could see the look of love in Vanna's eyes. She saw it in Allison's eyes as well. It was clear the girls were deeply in love still. It didn't make any sense to her.

"But you two love each other." Cameron said. "I know you both do."

Vanna didn't know how to make Cameron fully understand. There needed to be more than the emotion and feelings. There needed to be something real. There needed to be a physical connection. They needed to be with each other. It wasn't just the sex either. They needed the physical company of each other.

"I'll always love Allison. She's my true love." Vanna said. "I also NEED to have someone to hold and touch, Cameron. I NEED someone to hold and touch me back. I can't be lonely anymore."

Vanna wanted to tell Cameron she was different from her, but she wondered if Cameron really was very much different anymore. She didn't think so. She watched the emotional struggles Cameron went through over the years. They didn't get better. They got worse. Cameron seemed to have evolved greatly. She wasn't even sure if evolved was the right word.

Cameron felt more than responsible for all of the trouble. She wanted to try and explain her actions. She felt they were important too. It wasn't something she did on purpose to hurt anyone. It wasn't like what she did when she went to the alternate future and didn't allow Allison to return to the past with Vanna. She purposely kept Allison there for John. It was an egregious transgression on her part. What happened now wasn't.

"Allison is trying to learn to be a good mother." Cameron said. "She's trying to improve herself."

Vanna was a little worked up right now as she thought about everything. Maybe she should point out a few things which bothered her. There were a few things she witnessed on a regular basis which she didn't agree with.

"Just because you THINK you don't need to be here for John, doesn't mean the rest of us feel the same way about the ones we love." Vanna said.

Vanna was instantly sorry she said it, but she knew her words were true. She could defend them if she needed to. It was a touchy subject for everyone involved.

Cameron looked down and away from Vanna. She thought of her long periods of time when she was separated from John. Vanna's words 'slapped' her. She knew she wasn't a good 'wife', let alone a good 'person'. She believed she was protecting John and protecting the future. It was her function. Why couldn't everyone understand? It all took a lot of work and time. She needed to regenerate after being damaged. There were so many things involved. There were temporal errors and nuclear explosions….

"I know I'm a failure." Cameron said. "I'm trying to do what is logical for everyone. It seems I'm a victim of my creation, as well as a villain."

Vanna wanted to explain love as she saw and felt it. She did understand Cameron was 'limited' by circumstances surrounding it all. She could see Cameron never understood how much she hurt John over the years. It angered her too.

"Love is about sharing. It's about being there for each other, for EVERYTHING." Vanna said. "You're LUCKY John has waited for you through all the HELL you've put him through. You don't deserve him. It's not the way you treat people you love."

Vanna let her anger seep out as she took a jab at Cameron. She knew her words were mean and hurtful. It wasn't why she said them. She said them because they were true. There was no need to dance around the issue.

Cameron was shocked. Vanna was right. She wasn't 'good enough' for John. She tried to get the girls closer to him to 'help' him out in her absences. It just never seemed to work out. Vanna was lonely, and she wasn't 'good enough' for John herself. Perhaps there was a solution right in front of her. Vanna was a good person. Vanna was her first friend. Vanna was someone she loved and cared about.

"Do you want him?" Cameron asked. "We can share him, or I will relinquish him to you."

Cameron's attitude and understanding, or lack of it, was another source of irritation for Vanna. It was created by more of Cameron's meddling.

"We ALL want him. You've made us ALL want him and YOU." Vanna said. "You've controlled and manipulated everyone. You're the one responsible for everything, especially the things which hurt everyone else."

Cameron didn't feel she manipulated anyone. She only tried to guide them in the proper direction. They seemed confused at times, like now. She wanted to make John and Vanna happy.

"I want you to have him, Vanna." Cameron said. "You're right. He does deserve better than me. I'm no good. I'm 'not good enough'. I'm Nobody…."

If Cameron would have worn her wedding ring right now, she would have taken it off and placed it on Vanna's finger.

Vanna didn't like how Cameron simplified some things and complexified others. She understood it was her nature. Cameron wasn't human. She didn't think and respond like humans did. She evolved greatly but she still wasn't a human. Maybe her mechanical background helped isolate her from all of the pains humans felt.

"Cameron, it's not how any of THIS works." Vanna said. "People can't turn their emotions on and off, or firewall their feelings. Our feelings are there all the time. They do dull and fade over time, but it still takes time. We feel everything until then. Those same feelings can come back up at any time. We're all very much victims of what happens in our own hearts and minds."

Cameron could only see herself as a failure. How else could it be viewed? She wasn't helping anyone or protecting them. She was torturing them. She thought about her experiments with the human test subject. Was it really anything different than she did with everyone else? It was just more invasive and direct. It left her as frustrated as it did confused. There didn't seem to be a solution.

"I'm hurting the people I love, without trying, or even knowing I am." Cameron said. "I don't know how to fix any of this."

Vanna saw Cameron was about to break down. Her left hand began to glitch. It was the same emotional stress they all went through. Feelings were hard to deal with. Failures were even harder to deal with.

"It's how it is for all of us." Vanna said. "Things happen and things go wrong. It's the story of life. Nothing can ever really be controlled. Everything is always in a state of flux. There are unseen variables which occur all the time. Nobody knows what will happen next."

Cameron felt she tried hard to better people's lives. She didn't try to make anything worse. She didn't directly interfere with John and Future Riley. She made her displeasure known. She didn't stop anything, even if she wanted to. She did want to.

"I ruin everything, no matter how I try to make it 'better'." Cameron said.

Vanna could see the distress Cameron was being swallowed by. The glitch was worse and much more intense now. She didn't want Cameron to have a meltdown. It was partly her fault for speaking her mind. It wasn't her intent to create a bigger problem for Cameron.

"Cameron, you need to relax and unwind. You're about to malfunction if you don't calm down immediately." Vanna said. "You need to get it together. You need to do it now."

Vanna moved in to hug Cameron to calm her and reassure her. She loved Cameron dearly. She didn't want to hurt Cameron. It was the last thing she would want to do.

Cameron felt guilt and remorse. She knew how John made her feel at times and what she felt on her own. It was how she made everyone else feel too. It wasn't on purpose.

"I'm sorry Vanna for hurting you and ruining your relationship. It wasn't my intent." Cameron said. "I was trying to 'help'. I thought I was trying to help."

Cameron started to cry now and soon Vanna joined her in tears.

Vanna held Cameron and Cameron held her. She knew she wanted Cameron and not anyone else. No matter how bad Cameron hurt people, they all loved her more. She loved Cameron more than anything.

It gave both of them a trip down 'Agony Lane' for all the mistakes in their lives.

Vanna understood it was how things worked. Cameron didn't.

Holly was very upset by all of the events. Cameron told her to fix it. She didn't know how.

How can you fix something you can't control?

Holly tried to make Allison understand she NEEDED Vanna.

Allison was very confused by the things Holly spoke of.

"Holly, you know I love you right?" Allison asked.

Holly was aware Allison's love was more widespread than she anticipated. She thought love was supposed to be much more focused and directed. It was how she viewed it. She viewed Allison as the only one for her. There were other things she was aware of too. They were things she tried to tell herself didn't matter. They did.

"Yes, I know you do. I also know you love Cameron, Vanna and Jesse as well." Holly said.

Allison didn't see any of those as a problem. There were different types of love. There were different degrees of love. It wasn't black or white as in lights on and lights off. She knew she wasn't the only one.

"I can't help it." Allison said. "Cameron makes EVERYONE love her. I know you love her as well."

Holly was unsure what to say. She did love Cameron. Her relationship with Allison was based on her love for Cameron. Allison was the means to achieve a physical relationship with 'Cameron' through Allison as a surrogate. Cameron even steered her to do it. Now she was ashamed of herself for having used Allison in such a selfish manner. Things changed somewhere along the way. NOW she really did love Allison, as Allison. Maybe it's what Cameron knew would happen all along and really tried to help her. It was all very confusing.

"I do." Holly replied. "I also understand your long term relationship with Vanna. I accept it and have never tried to alter or interfere with it."

Holly knew it wasn't exactly true. She always made sure Vanna saw her displeasure when she came to visit Allison. It was a selfish and jealous reaction on her part. It was wrong on her part. Maybe Cameron was right. Maybe it all was her fault. She wanted to fix it.

Allison blamed circumstances for the problems. To have Holly close at hand made it unnecessary to seek out Vanna. Holly was right at her fingertips and could soothe and comfort her instantly. Holly would do anything she asked and she always provided a finish. She was never sick or tired. She was available twenty-four seven. There was never an argument or harsh words. A Metal girl made the perfect lover as long as they were there.

In the past, she needed to find Vanna to soothe and comfort her. She needed Vanna to give her reassurance and love. It wasn't the past anymore. Her love for Vanna was undeniable, no matter how much she tried to tell herself it wasn't. It was.

"I know, Holly. With you HERE, it's too easy not to see Vanna. I love everything about you and being with you." Allison said. "I don't know what to do."

Holly felt an extra special attachment to Allison since she was her first and only lover. She'd never sought another.

"Allison, you know I've only ever been with you." Holly said.

Allison always wondered when Holly would stray, but she never did. It said something. The ways of the future were very different. People strayed all the time. They always knew where they belonged at the end of the day too. It didn't change the fact there were always multiple partners for everyone. For some it was just more. For someone to remain true to one individual was literally unheard of.

"I do." Allison said. "It really means a lot to me."

Holly knew sacrifice was the true test of love. There weren't very many options open to her. There were a few. She was ready to test herself.

"I'm devoted to you, Allison." Holly said. "I'll do whatever you ask of me, or tell me to do. Love is about sacrifice. If I must be sacrificed for your TRUE love, then I'm willing to sacrifice myself for your happiness, because I love YOU and want YOU to be happy. Your happiness means more to me than my happiness."

Allison didn't want to hurt Holly. She feared it would lead to self termination or chip extraction. She simply couldn't 'throw away' Holly like a piece of trash. She would rather die first.

"I can't do that to you. I won't do it to you." Allison said. "I don't know what to do. I really don't."

Claire sat in the other room and 'overheard' the conversation. It broke her heart to hear her daughter so torn and lost. Life was about choices and Allison was going to have to make some hard ones. The sad part was, she didn't have any advice to offer her. The choices needed to be Allison's alone. It was her life. It was her future.

She remembered when she was forced to make choices by her parents. They weren't the choices she wanted. The way she felt about her life now confirmed it. She was forced to live a life of misery to make other people happy. What advice could she give to Allison? She didn't follow her heart when she wanted to. She did understand the dilemma and pain Allison faced. It appeared Holly needed to face her own demons as well.

Demons were the problem. They never ever went away. They could be pushed to the side and ignored for a while, but they always came back. There was no escape.

'Louie, Louie' by 'The Kingsmen', drifted through Claire's mind.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Sad Part

Two in the beginning
Wonder where to start
Will what they find be sweet
Or turn rancid, foul and tart

To the one they care for
Their love they do impart
Blinded by their feelings
Do they act foolish or smart

As they become captivated
Will Cupid shoot love's dart
If they are fortunate and lucky
It will hit their love's heart

Will the life together they paint
Be a masterpiece and work of art
Or will it erode, crumble and fall
As they sadly tear themselves apart

It seems a happy ending
May not be on the chart
Soon one will stray and depart
One alone again is the sad part

Nobody