I can hear the sound of your barely beating heart
Pieces on the ground from the world that fell apart
Just hold on
It won't be long
I will find you here inside the dark
I will break through
No matter where you are
I will find you
I will find you
Like the wind that cries
I can feel you in the night
A distant lullaby
Underneath the shattered sky
Just hold on
It won't be long
I will find you here inside the dark
I will break through no matter where you are
I will find you
I will find you
I'll be the light and lead you home when there's nowhere left to go
I'll be the voice you always know when you're lost and all alone
I won't let you go
Find you by Ruelle
"Ready?" Remus asked in a hoarse voice as I appeared next to him.
I was still slightly dizzy from Aparating and I wondered when it would get better after all these years. But Gideon, from whom I had learned it at the time, said that there were some people who always get nauseous or dizzy, for whom it can never become a habit, and I seemed to be one of them. I couldn't say if it was because of my Muggle ancestry, but the assumption was obvious.
I nodded briefly.
"Good. I packed everything that was on the list. But do you think we really need a book on magical torture methods?" Remus asked quietly, avoiding my gaze.
"We're not going to use it, of course, but we could threaten with it if necessary. Besides, I don't need this book. I've seen some of these spells in St. Mungo," I replied, trying to sound equanimous, even though my heart resisted hunting torture methods, no matter how hypothetical.
Remus nodded in relief and reached into the inside pocket of his cloak and pulled out a parchment. I immediately recognized the gracefully curved handwriting and swallowed.
"By the way, I received a letter this morning. By Dumbledore. I want to know your opinion on this," Remus said, handing me the letter with the seal of Hogwarts. I skimmed over it and nodded before leaving it to Remus again.
"So, he's offering you the job of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. But why? I mean, I know your great skills in this field and your dealings with children and adolescents. You have been able to gain a lot of experience in this over the last few years. But then he would have considered you sooner, right?" I thought aloud.
"That's what I asked him, and he met me briefly. It was only this morning," Remus replied, looking me in the eye uncertainly.
"And? What did he say?" I asked curiously.
"Sirius kept repeating in Azkaban `he's at Hogwarts`. This information shall be kept secret." Remus explained with an unsteady look.
"Harry. It's about Harry. That's explanation enough. Dumbledore wants you at Hogwarts because of that. As an old friend of Sirius and to protect Harry," I stated aloud. But what did Sirius want from Harry anyway? What would his death bring him where his master was weakened and submerged? Or did Sirius know where Voldemort was hiding? We would have to find out, then we could strike before he would regain his power. That was a goal, a task!
"You should take the job. If we don't find Sirius, you have the chance to catch him there," I said, thinking that it would help squeeze this information out of Sirius.
"It's good that you see it that way, too. You know your opinion is important to me. Dementors are to be stationed at Hogwarts if Fudge has its way," Remus said, and I could clearly see his displeasure in his voice. I shuddered at the thought of Dementors. I once felt their presence when a criminal was picked up from St. Mungo, and I would never forget the coldness that befell my heart. It was as if there was no happiness, no life left in me.
"But Dumbledore certainly refuses that, doesn't he?" I asked quietly.
"Of course, he does. Dementors are uncontrollable, especially in an environment with as much emotion as Hogwarts," Remus replied insistently and I nodded.
"You should definitely take chocolate with you," I said with a smile, so that Remus grin crookedly.
"Yes, I should in case of emergency." Remus said mildly to me.
"Let's go, where are we going to look for Sirius before he gets too close to Harry?" I asked seriously again, pulling out my list. "Do you think he's in his old home on Grimmauld Place?"
"Rather unlikely, because he hated it there. But he would be the only heir, his line is otherwise deceased," Remus said thoughtfully, while an image of Regulus comes to mind. Regulus, who had died for a secret about Voldemort that no one was allowed to know about. I, too, adhered to the silence that Fabian had once demanded of me. Because Fabian did not want his death to be in vain, as he might have gained valuable information before he was killed. But perhaps it was a question I could ask Severus. Maybe there was some idea from him.
"So, would you rather have another place off the list?" I asked, lost in thought, while Remus frowned at me.
"No, we rule it out too. Just in case," Remus said, holding out his arm to me so that we could get to the old house that was hidden for Muggles.
It already looked gloomy and a bit run-down from the outside, just as the buildings in his neighborhood are rather dilapidated as well.
"It's certainly locked. Do you think we'll get in so easily?" I asked Remus softly, dropping his arm.
"I suggest we just ring the bell and see what happens."; Remus suggested, shrugging his shoulders.
"Are you serious? You think if Sirius is hiding there, he'll just let us in?" I asked, my skepticism literally bursting out of my tone.
"You can't break in, there are thousands of wards of wards on it, I know that from Sirius. And we probably don't have any other option," Remus said with raised eyebrows. I thought about his words, and I couldn't think of a solution except housebreak.
"Well, let's just give it a try," I relented, and we walked together to the front door of number 12, whose building had opened up in front of us.
The house had a worn entrance staircase leading to a battered front door with a silver knocker in the shape of a coiled snake. But it didn't have a keyhole, handle, or anything else that suggested it was a door, as it seemed to open only by magic.
But there was a doorbell that Remus pressed uncertainly. Immediately a loud, ringing bell rang and we heard a woman's voice screaming loudly inside the building. We stared at each other irritated and pulled our wands immediately.
To our astonishment, the door slowly opened and offered a view into the entrance area into a long hallway lit by gas lamps and a large ceiling chandelier. Everything was gloomy and cobweb, the wallpaper peeled off and the carpet seemed so thin that you were afraid to enter it. A foul smell of dampness and decay rose directly into our noses.
"What do you want from the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black family?" asked a pointed voice that belonged to the oldest house-elf I had ever seen. Like all house-elves, he was naked except for a completely filthy loincloth, which he had wrapped around as a makeshift piece of clothing.
And even before anyone could answer him, he added: "These people don't look like purebloods, they wear strange clothes like Muggles. But they can see the house, so they must be witch and wizard."
"Um, that's right, we're witch and wizard and we're looking for the owner of the house. Is he present?" I asked cautiously, while Remus clearly suppressed his laughter.
" They're looking for the master of the house. Don't they know that the Master is already dead?" he asked to himself and turned to us louder.
"Mr. Orion Black has died, and so has his noble wife Walpurga," he said curtly, and was about to close the door when Remus put his foot between the door and the door frame.
"No, we are looking for the current owner. Sirius Black," he said aloud to the house-elf, whose face contorted into a grimace.
"Filth! Scum! By-products of filth and meanness! Mongrels, mutants, freaks, get out of this place! How dare you soil my fathers house and mention the name of that freak! Shame he brought upon us. Disgusting people get out of here! ", the woman's voice screamed loudly again.
"Miss Black has expressed her opinion clearly. No one with that name lives here anymore. And if you don't take your foot away right away, I'll cut it off," the house-elf replied, suddenly pulling out a cleaver from behind his hand. Remus took his foot away and with a loud bang the door flew shut in front of us in a huge bang.
"Well, I doubt Sirius would ever be here. It seems to be such a loving parental home, as he always told us. It was not for nothing that he fled to James and his parents at the age of 16," Remus stated as we stepped back into the street and the house immediately disappeared again between house numbers 13 and 10 as if it had never been there.
I nodded and now slowly I began to understand Sirius better. His extroverted nature was only a product of his desperation as a child, his rebellion against rules and an expression of breaking out of these chains. I sighed.
"This also explains why Sirius could never commit himself to a person."; I whispered fats more to myself than to Remus.
"This? No, not necessarily. I thought it was obvious to you why he didn't enter into a committed relationship. Although James and Lily never found out either," Remus asked quietly, looking at me curiously. I closed my eyes for a moment and thought back to Sirius. As he stood next to James at Hogwarts, laughed and rejoiced at a joke and I shook my head in front of Remus.
"Then it's not up to me to reveal this secret," Remus stated seriously, looking at me critically, as if it had to be so obvious to me.
Sirus was never a child of sadness in this kind, he had many dates. But why did it never turn into something serious? I thought it was because of his volatility but never found a more serious reason for it. But maybe I had never delved deeper into Sirius. Why was obvious. I hadn't forgiven him for the way he had treated Severus. The resulting hatred had been a reason for the severance of the friendship between Severus, Lily and me.
"Well, what's next?" Remus asked, pulling out the list.
"We could go to the ice cream parlor, where he was always going to flirt. It's just around the corner," I said. Remus nodded and we walked a few blocks to look for him nearby. But we didn't succeed.
"Phew, the last time I camped was as a kid," I said as we sat around a small fire and Remus made a stew in a cauldron above it. We had searched the woods around Hogwarts but had no luck finding Sirius there either.
"I guess I'll be more used to it. If it weren't for your apartment, I'd probably still be living in the woods," he told Remus in a low voice, blushing slightly. It was still uncomfortable for him to reveal to me how he had to live. How little he owned, because a law stipulated that werewolves were not allowed to be an heir. It made me not only angry, but also stunned by how magical society treated demi-beings.
"Remus, you know that I see it all very differently, that I think it's unfair how werewolves are treated. Why are werewolves classified as animals of the highest level of danger? Actually, this classification is only valid for one night a month, but the ministerial protections and laws make it difficult for people like you to live a normal life. For security reasons, your data is recorded in the Werewolf Registry, which also goes to the Animal Authority, as does the Werewolf Capture Squad, which hunts down any werewolves who become suspicious. And then this Dolores Umbridge Werewolf Law will make it almost impossible for you to get a job. It sucks, Remus! I wish I could help you. But I just don't know how," I said with a dry throat, staring into the blazing flames in front of me.
"I know that, Catherine. Just the thought that there is someone in my life who sees me as a full-fledged wizard often helps me out of the darkness. I know that I can always rely on you and you are there for me," Remus said in a soft voice, grasping my hand to squeeze it gently. We smiled at each other, and a warm feeling of connection spread through my heart.
"Do you remember the petition after the fall of Voldemort?" Remus asked, looking into my eyes.
"Yes, after the ministry was cleaned up, this was the chance for a new werewolf law. But it didn't help, it felt so pointless," I said, hanging my head again. Remus had placed so much hope in being able to change something on a political level when the ministry filled many new positions.
"No, it wasn't. Many witches and wizards have signed. It showed me that many people think like you. It's something that has carried me ever since. To make the world a better place for others like me and their families. Even though I will never have a family myself, I hope for a change in thinking," Remus said and smiled crookedly as if he were encouraging himself with his words. "And your name was the first on my signature list."
"I know, Remus. But do you really think you'll never have a family?" I asked, slightly startled by the finality that lay in his statement.
"It's my own decision, yes. What woman would want to expose herself to this social ostracism?A And a child of mine could be a werewolf. Who knows exactly?," he said, his green eyes moistening slightly.
"And on top of that, you haven't met a woman yet who would be worth reconsidering, have you?" I asked, seeing my head shake slightly.
"At least not one that would have reciprocated my feelings," he said quietly, avoiding my gaze.
"There was a woman you were interested in?" I asked, trying to catch his gaze.
"No, not really," he replied curtly, returning to the cauldron over the fire, as if to end the subject. I sighed softly and skimmed our search list, from which we had worked through everything.
"We only have the grounds from Hogwarts left. If Sirius is really after Harry, we'll find him there," I said thoughtfully, and at the same time I felt queasy at the thought of what would happen if we really found Sirius Black. Would he attack us? Could we look each other in the eye? What would I feel if I came face to face with the traitor who had betrayed us all so badly? We had trusted each other and that was what set us apart from the Death Eaters. One common goal, one heart, one soul. But we were drenched in fear, weakness, hypocrisy. And I felt that this was a pain that was still gnawing at me, and when I saw in Remus' sunken face, I knew immediately that he felt the same way, if not worse. Because it was one of his best friends who drove a dagger into our midst.
"I think we should look in the Shrieking Shack first, right? That was the place where you used to hide with the boys on full moons , wasn't it?" I asked in a low voice. I saw his eyes narrow into slits as he was reminded of the past days of friendship.
"Yes," he croaked, lifting the fragrant soup out of the cauldron with a ladle.
"I'm not as good as you, but I finally wanted to return the favor. You've often provided my hot meals in recent years," Remus said, handing me a plate of the steaming liquid.
"Gladly, my friend," I replied, smiling confidently at him. His cheeks took on a touch of color again and he nodded gratefully at me.
"We have to go to the Hogwarts grounds to get into the Shrieking Shack somehow, Catherine," Remus said when we arrived in Hogsmeade.
"Oh Remus, as a new teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts, you could just take up quarters," I said casually, tapping on his backpack. Remus changed from an irritated look to a wry grin.
"Yes, but I haven't even said yes to Dumbledore," Remus whispered uncertainly.
"Then it's time," I said, but I read doubts in his eyes. "Why are you hesitating?"
"I don't think I'm the right person for that," Remus said quietly, taking a closer look at the tips of his shoes. I gently put my hand on my friend's shoulder.
"You are very good with teenagers and children, Remus, because you are understanding, and I bet you are an excellent teacher. It's important for you to teach well, because otherwise you wouldn't have such doubts," I stated, smiling broadly at him.
"Sometimes I wonder what would have become of me without these doubts if I hadn't... would not be what I am halfway. What kind of life I could have then." He sighed loudly.
"Just give it a try," I told him, pressing my hand tighter around his shoulder.
"What do you mean?" he asked, looking at me wide-eyed.
"Nobody knows it here. You can be the teacher and the wizard you want to be," I said confidently.
"Dumbledore knows. And someone else. Someone whom I harmed in my school days with my inaction and whom I almost hurt in a stupid prank by Sirius. He will never have forgiven me. I know that. And he will not tolerate me here, I can even understand that," Remus said, letting his gaze and shoulders droop. Of course, I knew exactly who he meant, and I saw Severus' disgusted look when he found out who was going to fill his coveted post this school year. But I knew he would get through it and I would make sure he kept quiet about Remus' condition. At that moment, I was more frightened by another realization: the curse that seemed to weigh on this position.
"Who do you mean?" I asked hypocritically, trying to hold back the shudder.
"Can't you imagine? I mean Severus Snape," Remus said, looking at me closely, while I coughed slightly.
"Yes, I remember. But during my teaching at Hogwarts, he was quite sociable. We mostly avoided each other, if I'm honest," I lied and it was something I was deeply reluctant to do, but I tried to look Remus firmly in the eye. "I'm more concerned that this post seems to be cursed. Everyone is in this activity for only one year. And Quirrell even passed away while exercising," I said, trying to distract Remus with my real fear. But now, to my surprise, Remus laughed out loud.
"Do you really think it's a curse? I think it's just bad luck. And I'm more worried about how I'm going to deal with my transformation during school. You know I'm going to be unable to teach for a few days. Monthly. Isn't that striking? And did Dumbledore think it through?" Remus asked me, looking into the distance as we slowly walked up to the castle grounds.
"With Severus Snape, you have an excellent master of potions in the castle. I don't think it's a problem for him to brew the Wolfsbane potion. And as far as Dumbledore is concerned, he has everything in mind and thought it through, I'm firmly convinced of that. And if you're really worried about Dumbledore standing in for you for a few days in the school year, just ask him. It's best to do it right away, because I think he's running towards us from up there."
We both looked at the old wizard who was running towards the castle gate. He wore a purple cloak embroidered with gold stars and crescents that shone in the daylight, giving him a quirky yet impressive presence. He wore his long beard tied at the bottom with a matching bow. My gaze did not linger long on this well-known magician, but wandered to his companion, dressed all in black, whose cloak puffed up in the wind and blew backwards. In Dumbledore's company was none other than Severus. He apparently couldn't stand it much longer in Cokeworth without me and had traveled to Hogwarts a few days before the start of the school year.
When the two men came towards us, I not only felt tension in me, because I had to try to hide my joy about Severus, I noticed how Remus began to sink next to me. He wasn't so shy, maybe it was a guilty conscience that made him slump so much. Be it to Severus for his behavior in school or the concealment of the Animagus form of Sirius to Dumbledore. I couldn't make it out at that moment, but I felt sorry for my friend and put my hand on his shoulder, which he briefly squeezed in gratitude.
But immediately I saw how Severus' gaze lingered on this friendly gesture and he clenched his jaw noticeably.
/I hope you enjoy it? Please let me know your thoughts and feelings in a review./