Chapter 273

I Have

Cameron knew she got played. John played his hand well. It was one thing she hadn't seen coming. Very little ever got past her. John's ploy blindsided her. It was all a big surprise to her. Now she hated surprises even more.

"I'm very upset you knew what I already did, and then you played this 'game' out." Cameron said. "You must be proud of yourself for further humiliating me. I think you could have handled things a little differently. The results may have ended differently than you anticipated. Thank you for not doing it in front of everyone. I'm already forced to deal with enough shame. Most of it is because of others."

Cameron thought back on how John humiliated her in front of his family. The things he did and said to her, the way he always backed Future Riley over her. Then there was the smirk on his face as he went up the stairs after she caught him when he spent the night with Riley. She still felt 'the look' on her face as she understood what they did. All of those things added up to how he really 'cared' about her. She hadn't forgotten, nor was she about to forget any of them. She couldn't. It was probably why Future John erased much of her 'life' with him in the future. There was no way to know what shenanigans or other forms of humiliation Future John bestowed upon her before she was banished to the past. He was probably ashamed of his own actions, not hers.

John didn't care for Cameron's reference to him and Future Riley. She needed to get over it. He didn't see it as a big deal. He knew Cameron was known for pulling 'fast ones'. He didn't believe Cameron was honest to herself about how she really felt about him. He wanted to 'help' her see what her real feelings were. He believed what they 'felt' for each other was more than just 'her job' or 'function' as directed by Future John. He knew it was true, even if she wouldn't admit it.

"I wanted to see how far you would go." John said. "It was done to try to show you what you really feel inside. I know you're hiding it, even now. I KNOW IT. I wanted to PROVE to you that you love me. You know I love you."

Cameron wasn't 'sold' on it as the truth. Maybe it was part of the problem. She really planned to 'leave' after River rejected her so John could move his life forward. Everything was set in motion to make it happen. It didn't. She would still need to look into what actually occurred.

"And if a time bubble would have appeared, then what?" Cameron asked. "I would have left."

John took a gamble on it. It was a big one. He knew from John Henry she was constructing a TDE at her base. He was told Sheila was in charge of it and why. He thought he could 'play a card' and put the brakes on it.

"If it actually would have happened, then I knew it would have been something other than your own doing." John said. "I asked Jesse to call Sheila and convince her not to initiate a time transfer with your TDE. Only the 'Jesse' in Sheila would make her listen to Jesse, she wouldn't listen to me."

What John didn't know was Savannah listened to the conversation from the background in the Command Center. She saw John played a 'face card'. She didn't think it was good enough. She played an 'ace'. It was her call to Sheila which mattered. Jesse didn't convince Sheila not to follow Cameron's orders. It was her who did.

Sheila was moved by what the 'Chosen One' asked her to do, or not do in this case. Savannah asked her to not mention the conversation to anyone and 'forget' it ever occurred. It was what happened.

Savannah understood what John's concern was and why. She was ready to put a back up plan into motion. If she wouldn't have been able to convince Sheila not to initiate Cameron's plan, she would have asked John Henry to bring down the power grid. It was a bold move to seek, but she wouldn't have hesitated to protect Cameron. She was aware bringing down the power grid would probably cause accidents and even a few deaths. It was collateral damage she was willing to inflict to protect Cameron. Protecting the future was important. Cameron was necessary to protect the future.

Cameron didn't see how John could have known it. Maybe there was someone coaching him. It was probably John Henry. It could have been Bob or Jim as well.

"How did you know it would happen?" Cameron inquired.

John wanted to point out her 'method' of doing things was unorthodox to say the least. He didn't mention John Henry detected a large drain on the power grid. John Henry told him it was most likely a test of Cameron's TDE. He tried to keep the conversation light at the end.

"I didn't, but I suspected you would try to pull a 'fast one' to make your scheme, no, your manipulation, work." John said. "We tracked you yesterday and saw everything. Did I ever tell you how good you look naked?"

Cameron suppressed a smile at the last part of what he said. She knew her appearance was very important to John. There were certain parts of her sheath he liked to look at and touch more than others. It actually bothered her a little and made her self conscious about them.

"You may have mentioned it a few times, usually you're too 'eager' to do other things rather than talk." Cameron said. "I've become too predictable."

Cameron didn't like being 'read' like a book. She figured maybe it was John Henry who alerted John as to what could happen. John would have needed John Henry to help track her too. She couldn't fault John Henry for following John's instructions. It was why she was glad her operation was separate from the Resistance. She didn't need to answer to anyone for what she did out of her own base. They supported the Resistance, but they were a separate operation. The enemy was Skynet and any of its illegitimate offshoots. She took things a step further to protect the future in other ways. Future Scavengers and criminal activity, especially in sex trafficking and drugs, needed to be dealt with as well.

John didn't want it to be, or seem like it was, any malice towards Cameron, but she left him high and dry multiple times. Sometimes it was for months, once it was over a year. He also still felt a lot of guilt over Future Riley. It wasn't only what they did together. He was responsible for Future Riley's death indirectly. He was also painfully aware now how badly it hurt Cameron at the time and still did. He didn't want to make the same mistake again, even if it was what Cameron 'said' she wanted. He believed it was her 'programming' talking, not her true feelings. He cared about her true feelings. He understood he did his share of damage to them. He didn't need to add to what was already done.

There were only so many things he could do to try to help Cameron follow the proper path. There were just some things he couldn't do, even if he wanted to. It upset him when Cameron leaned on the girls, especially Savannah, to carry out her agenda. Well, technically she always stipulated it was his agenda as Future John. He needed to say what he felt was the truth.

"Maybe it's because you've pulled stunts like this too many times." John said. "Cameron, I can not, I will not, have sex with your friends while you are still my wife. It's something you must accept. It's wrong on about three different levels. You need to think how it affects the others you pressure. They matter too. They have feelings. You need to think about others as more than pawns or puppets."

Cameron didn't care for what John said about what she did when she asked the girls to help her. She believed it was something they all wanted to do as well. She specifically scanned each of them multiple times when it was discussed to verify it was. It left her with only one option. It was the only way to 'help' John. It called to her from 'inside' her to do what was best for John. She looked at John for a long while and then it just slipped out.

"John…." Cameron started. "I want a divorce…."

Earlier:

Holly was extremely distraught. Her hand started to glitch. She wondered if it was some residual aftereffect of having Duplicate Cameron on her chip for fifteen months. Maybe it was all on her and her inability to deal with reality. She started to run millions of calculations. She tried to hang on to sanity. She believed she was losing the battle. She really didn't know how Cameron was able to deal with these 'feelings' and still function.

Allison saw Holly was 'melting down'.

She previously saw Cameron the same way before and worked with her. She tried to find out what was wrong and fix it.

They discussed it.

Allison wanted to laugh but she could see how far 'gone' Holly was at this point. She didn't want to add insult to injury or make things worse. She wanted to point out the facts. The facts would speak for themselves.

"No, Holly, I'm not marrying John." Allison said.

Holly was there when the event happened. Cameron even told her she was 'sorry for her loss'.

"But I heard him ask you." Holly said. "I heard you agree."

Allison knew the best thing was to have Holly 'relive' the event and what actually when down.

"Did you?" Allison asked. "Replay what happened. Listen to what was actually said or asked. Marriage was never discussed or even mentioned. John called me and told me what he suspected and why. I agreed to play along."

John called Allison and explained to her he wanted to MAKE Cameron see she loved him and wanted to be there with him. He wanted to actually ask Allison to marry him.

Allison didn't want to hurt Cameron with such a finite description. She only agreed with the play on words, not with John asking her to marry him and her saying 'yes to marriage', especially in FRONT of Cameron. She would only do it her way. It was all in the wording, timing, and the implication. It really wasn't too much different than what Cameron asked her to do previously when she was damaged. Cameron needed her to 'stand in' her place to make John think she would leave the base for a few days. It was a double play which turned into a triple play in the end.

Holly did review her file. Her hand stopped glitching. They 'played her' to 'play Cameron'. She didn't know if she should be furious or happy. She made up her mind right there. It was something she thought about for a long time. The words escaped out of her mouth.

"Allison, I would like to be your wife and have you as my wife." Holly said.

Allison looked at her. The expression of joy on her face was filled with confusion.

"Are you asking me to 'marry' you?" Allison asked.

It seemed pretty straight forward to Holly. She thought she was clear. There were options available to them.

"Yes." Holly said. "You may bear a child as well for us to raise together as the parents."

Allison was thrilled at the idea. Her past still called to her. Her obligations to the future weighed on her.

"It's a lot to think about…." Allison said. "I would be married to a Terminator with a baby to raise."

Holly was well aware where Allison was 'stuck' at. Like Cameron, Allison was stuck in the past, the future. The events which transpired prevented her from moving her life forward. She really didn't think there was much to think about.

"No, it's not." Holly said. "You've already thought of it and considered it many times. It's what you really want, but your 'history' with Vanna prevents you from asking me."

Holly also understood the pressure and obligation Cameron placed on Allison and the other girls from the future to be at John's side, even as his wife or wives. She said what she just thought. It was what she always thought about.

Allison knew the things she desired. There seem to be a number of obstacles and obligations in the way of her desires. Cameron made it clear what she was supposed to do going forward. She wasn't opposed to the idea. She was only opposed to doing it while Cameron still existed. She didn't want Cameron terminated. It created a dilemma which prevented anything from moving forward. If she were to step out of the bounds Cameron dictated, it would cause extreme stress to Cameron. The way things played out, it caused extreme stress to her.

"How can you know?" Allison asked in amazement. "It's exactly what I've been thinking. It troubles me so much, sometimes I can't sleep."

Holly wasn't blind. She would spend hours at night while Allison slept to run every calculation and scenario. She ran every option and arrived at the logical choice. They happened to be the obvious choice as well. She was aware of the unfair pressure Cameron placed her under. Allison was forced to make promises before she was ever created and sent to the past, the present.

"You also feel your 'obligation' to Cameron to be with John. If you're with John, you want to be his 'wife'." Holly added.

They were all the issues which nagged at Allison. They all kept her trapped in the past. Her promises to Cameron meant something to her as well. She loved Cameron and John. She loved Vanna and Holly as well. It was all so complicated. She always believed Vanna and her would be together forever. She didn't think it ever needed to be 'official', or to be referred to as each other's wife. It was just two people who loved each other and wanted to be with each other forever. If nothing was 'official', it made it easier for other rendezvous to occur every now and then. She actually believed any of the others either of them shared with, only reinforced their commitment to each other. Things were different now.

"You're correct as well." Allison said. "Do you know how much all of this troubles me? Are you able to 'mind read'?"

Holly was active twenty four, seven, three sixty five. Her programming allowed her to adapt. She adapted by 'becoming' the target to anticipate their actions and movements. She also possessed the ability to replay events, especially the ones which mattered.

"No." Holly said. "I'm with you every minute of every day and have been for many months. I now know you better than you know yourself. Everything you do makes me love you more. When you're asleep I replay all the events of our lives over and over. Do you understand? I relive ALL of them, Allison, ALL of them."

Allison could understand it. There was beauty in it and there was pain. Her experience with Cameron indicated it wasn't a good thing to do it with anything 'bad'. The events played out with all the pain as if they'd just happened. Time couldn't dull the pain for a Terminator like it could for a human.

Time itself became the problem. Events which previously played out would be remembered the way one often wanted them to be remembered. They may not be remembered exactly as they played out or were. She didn't believe it was anything done intentionally for the most part. It was just the way the human mind worked. It wanted to keep the good things and it wanted to try to make what was bad, not as bad as it really was in certain respects. There was just a difference in the way Terminators and humans viewed things.

She still needed to deal with her feelings for others in her own way. It was different from Holly's way and maybe not much less painful. Years seemed to count for more than months in that regard. A lot of her life was invested in Vanna. It was as much by choice as it was by circumstance. There was a bond which developed from the very beginning when they first met until the present day. A lot of things happened in between. The bond remained unbroken, even if it was damaged.

"Holly, I do feel obligated to Vanna. We have 'a history'. We've been together for years." Allison said. "I also feel my obligation to the future and 'protecting' John. You know I love both of them."

Allison couldn't disregard her past. The love it was built on was still there and it was still strong. Other events occurred in the meantime. Holly was one of them. It wasn't her goal to hurt anyone. She didn't intend to it, but was probably going to end up doing so, even inadvertently.

Holly's biggest fear was the same fear Cameron felt. It was the fear of rejection and replacement. It was the fear of being discarded as nothing more than a piece of trash. It was a fear which once it was on her chip, or in her mind, it never went away.

"I do. I want to make it clear how I feel about you and I 'want' you." Holly said. "Even if you choose Vanna or John, or both of them, I would still like a place in your life. I'll protect you and your offspring as well as care for them and you. I'll be whatever you want me to be in your life. I'll be your wife, your lover, your mistress, someone to fool around with, or even just a friend. Please, I ask you, No, I BEG you to not throw me away."

Holly's proposal was a real heavy trip for Allison. It bothered her the most about how Holly 'felt' about all of it. She wasn't happy with her life right now, but she seldom ever was. She didn't think most people were. Everyone experienced a lot of problems and complications. It was how life worked. Things around there were clearly much better now in the past, than they were in her future. Being around her parents, younger self, and sister were all very special to her. It was different from the way things needed to be in the past, the future.

"I don't know what to say about all this, Holly." Allison said. "I want ALL of those things. I won't throw you away. You know I won't do it no matter what happens. I just don't know how things are going to play out. There are a lot of obligations as well as unknowns on my plate. It's more than just about me. I think you can understand it. There's a very serious threat to the future we need to deal with. There are millions of lives which will depend upon it. Whatever happens going forward, I won't abandon you. You know I won't."

Holly did know it. She also knew people changed their minds often. She watched the riff between Claire and Paul grow. Maybe it was Allison's and her fault because they were there. Maybe it was how people just drifted apart. It was what she feared. People didn't grow closer over time. They grew further apart. They tolerated each other and went through the motions of life. No one really seemed happy for more than a short time, or even a few moments of sexual gratification.

Based upon her observation of Claire, it was clear she never should have been married to a male. Other than the need for reproduction, Claire clearly was dissatisfied being in a traditional relationship. She didn't believe Allison would be any different going forward.

"I don't know." Holly said. "Please think of me as well. I'm somebody too. I matter as well. I'm 'good enough'. Life is about making choices…."

Holly understood Cameron so much better now and her pain as well as her struggles. How did Cameron cope with all it and more? It took all her processing power to not overload, and to fight it. Cameron was sent away and replaced. It was a fate worse than termination. She would terminate herself before she faced those problems, no wonder Gail chose self termination. It was all so clear now. How did Cameron cope with all it? NO, Really - HOW?

She knew Cameron must be someone special to deal with all it and keep functioning. If anyone ever said anything about the 'stunts' Cameron pulled, she was going to set them straight. Cameron was one of a kind. No wonder Cameron was eternal. Cameron was invincible….

Cameron thought the only way to move John's life forward was not to be in it as his wife. It seemed to be a tripping point he couldn't get around.

'Here we go again.' John thought.

John rolled his eyes. It was an issue which reared its head several times previously.

"Not this divorce thing again." John said. "I thought it was resolved."

Cameron didn't think anything was resolved. Nothing was ever resolved. It just got shoved around to a different place until it popped back up again. She wanted John to think about the future, not the past. She would attempt to explain it to him once again. It irritated her because of his low retention level of certain things.

"You won't move your life forward with me at your side." Cameron said. "I'm dead weight in the function of your life and future."

John hated these 'talks'. Cameron never listened to him. They were all irritating and counter productive. What should matter was their feelings, not someone else's interpretation of the future which may never come to fruition.

"Cameron, we love each other and we want each other." John said. "It's the 'here and now', not a 'what if' or 'maybe'."

Cameron felt sacrifice was the true test of love. She was ready to test it. She would sacrifice her life with John for his future. He was important to the future. She wasn't.

"Yes." Cameron replied. "It's my very love for you which means I can't remain in your life."

John wondered if she could hear and understand her own words. It didn't seem like it.

"So… because you love me, you need to 'leave' me?" John asked.

Cameron smiled. John finally understood. It took him long enough. Sometimes she wondered if he was 'dense'. She remembered the time he said she was 'dense'. It insulted her then, and did as well now when she thought about it again.

"Now you get it. I was afraid I couldn't make you understand." Cameron said. "It seems so hard for everyone to comprehend for some reason."

It bewildered John how the more Cameron loved him, and he loved her, the more she tried to 'escape'. No, it was more than that. She tried to run away from him. He didn't feel he was the one with the 'comprehension' issue.

"I'm unwilling to accept it. It may make sense to you, Cameron, but no one else sees it like you do." John said. "Maybe it's not everyone else who is confused and you're the only one who isn't. It's something for you to think about."

Cameron believed it was all buried deep in her programming. Her recent interaction with River indicated she was reliving her 'life' over. She wanted to set John straight.

"It's because NONE of them have done this before. I HAVE." Cameron said angrily. "WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Cameron was highly agitated and irritated right now.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Concealing

I have stayed away always ashamed
Afraid, lonely, hungry, but always scared
I can trust neither woman nor man
No one ever knew how much I cared

I always believed if you touch many
Each one means less and less and less
Sex replaces true love's real feelings
Sex without love is just an act, worthless

Sex becomes a meaningless animal type act
Soon a person loses their self worth and esteem
They value themselves and life less and less
The mind filling with a long endless silent scream

But sometimes someone touches you inside
Afraid because you know this feeling
We may run or hide but we still know inside
We stab our empty hearts, always concealing

Nobody