Chapter 274

Believe It Herself

Jim was given some additional information by John Henry about the suspected Skynet hillside location in San Bernardino County. It was in a semi-desert area. It was the one he visited previously with Derek and Kyle. There were three dead Grays at the location when they arrived. The opening into the hillside was blown closed. Since the terminations were recent when they arrived, he thought it was best to withdraw until more information was learned.

John Henry updated him with new information. Since the location was determined to be hot, there could be potential combat there. He told him to take another Terminator. He was going to go with Bob and visit the location. Bob was currently out on an operation with Derek.

Jim was going to need to find another Terminator. He was a little surprised when Kyle approached him.

"Are you getting ready to go out?" Kyle asked.

Jim probably figured he already knew what he was going to do.

"I was. I need to find another Terminator to go with me." Jim said.

Kyle sensed an opportunity to go out.

"I can go with you." Kyle said. "I'd like to go with you."

Jim thought it might be too risky.

"I need to take another Terminator." Jim said.

There was some movement behind them.

"I can go." Gail said.

Jim and Kyle looked at each other.

"What about Jesse?" Jim asked.

The expression on Gail's face didn't change.

"Jesse told me it's always duty before booty." Gail said.

Kyle almost laughed. He was able to contain it to a smile.

"It's the way it always is." Kyle said.

Jim thought it would be acceptable for Gail to go. He wanted to clue her in as to the nature of the operation.

"We're going to enter the side of a hill through an air shaft." Jim said. "I don't know what we're going to find."

Gail looked down at her massive breasts.

"I think I should be able to fit if you can fit." Gail said.

Kyle almost laughed again. He really hoped Gail would go.

"You can use my hands as a 'shoe horn' to make everything fit." Kyle said.

Gail looked at the front of her sheath again.

"It will be acceptable under the circumstances." Gail said. "We're all on the same team. Besides, it will give you a plausible excuse to touch a little more than you normally can."

Jim shot Kyle and quick glance. It was obviously a reference to Sarah.

"It will be quite a bit more." Jim said.

Gail flashed both of them a smile. They both thought she looked really pretty when she smiled. It was a shame she didn't do it more often.

"I was just trying to be funny." Gail said. "Savannah has been working with me to improve my social skills. I may have exceeded what she wanted."

Kyle couldn't contain his laughter this time.

Gail and Jim both joined him.

"Let's hit the road." Kyle said.

Jim tilted his head slightly. He hadn't actually requested Kyle's assistance. He would however use Gail's assistance.

"This needs to be a Terminator only operation." Jim said. "It's going to be dark inside the hill, if we can even find a way in."

Kyle didn't see why he couldn't use some night vision goggles.

"I can take care of the darkness." Kyle said.

Jim knew it was more than just the darkness.

"You might need to wear a breathing apparatus as well." Jim said. "There's smoke coming out of what John Henry believes is an old ventilation shaft. There most likely was a fire started at the time the opening was blown closed, or there were survivors inside who started one at some point. The fumes are most likely going to be toxic. You would need to have bottled air and a mask. The mask and the night vision goggles don't easily go with each other. I think it's best if you sit this one out. You can follow the operation through our body cams in the Command Center. We will most likely need to replace some repeaters along the way to get the signal out."

Gail could see the seriousness of the situation. She thought it was too risky for Kyle under the current situation. She wouldn't want Jesse to go under similar circumstances.

"I think this is one of the operations where you need to think about your daughter and wife." Gail said. "I can go with you another time if it's just a recon. I enjoy working with you. Besides, I still might need a pair of 'shoe horns' if we get into a tight spot another time."

Kyle was a little disappointed he couldn't go. He did think Gail was very amusing.

"I'll sit this one out." Kyle said. "I do believe you've exceeded Savannah's expectations with your social interaction training."

Gail flashed him another smile.

"Until next time…." Gail said.

Kyle watched Gail and Jim leave. He decided he needed to do two things. No, it would be three. He wanted to go to the Command Center and find out what actually was going on with the location. He would need to find Savannah and ask her about what she was teaching Gail. He would then go find Sarah and see if she could use a couple of 'shoe horns'. He wouldn't quite term it the same way or tell her why.

Vanna finished up in the lab. She looked over at the server which once contained 'Cameron'. There were a lot of memories and feelings tied up there. She didn't want to think about the crushed hard drives Cameron left behind as she destroyed the server version of herself. That was then. This was now. She turned off the lights and went out.

Sometimes she wished she could do it with her mind. She would like the have the ability to just turn it off. Would it matter if no one turned it on again? Would anyone care? Would anyone notice if she was gone?

Where was there to go? What was there to do? She knew she was going to face even more loneliness when she reached her room, her cell. Maybe she would try to find pleasure with herself. Even it seemed empty and cold. Some nights she spent hours with herself to try and 'escape' to a different place, at least in her mind. There were only a few moments at a time when she could escape from the present.

She returned to her room. It really was more like a prison cell now without Allison. Where was her life going? What did life have to offer her anymore? It didn't seem like much. She plopped on the bed and then sat up. It was the bed she once shared with Allison. It was the same bed she slept in before Allison's return. Somehow it seemed much emptier now without Allison there, once she was in it before.

Vanna sat alone and wondered. What went wrong? Did it all start when John Henry took her away in the future from Allison? Was it because she fell in love with Cameron in the past, while Allison fell in love with John in the future? So much happened, but her life seemed to have progressed so little. She was on the path to nowhere. The sad part was, she really didn't care. In her state of depression nothing really seemed to matter anymore. What was the point?

If she would have stayed in her future, she would probably be dead by now. Everyone died young. Game over. Problem solved. Maybe she would have died at the hands of Scavengers. It made her whole body shudder thinking about it, the things they did to her. Allison made her forget much of it. Now without Allison, it all crept back.

She often remembered the terrible day when the first group of men took her. Once they found out she was untouched, things went out of control with them for the next two days. She really wondered if she was ever going to be able to walk again at one point. She was sure parts of her body were ruined forever. How could there be such pain?

Stop!

She didn't want to go there again. It always just seemed to creep in and happen. Then they were the many other events which occurred to relive as well. Loneliness was no place to dwell. Without Allison, loneliness was her main companion. She turned to Jesse for 'help'.

She was happy with Jesse and they shared a very satisfying sexual relationship. She missed the deep emotional bond she shared with Allison. It was true she bonded with Jesse, but it wasn't the same. The physical aspect was better and more exciting, but the emotional bond was lacking. She knew Jesse needed Gail to satisfy her completely sexually, but Gail lacked the emotional bond Jesse could get from her. Vanna depended on Jesse. Without Allison here, she needed Jesse. Jesse craved the dependence and control.

Vanna understood Allison wanted to have a child and start a family. Allison was able to live with her family and was 'happy'. She felt Holly could provide for Allison and protect her, but she didn't know if Holly could provide Allison with the emotional bond she would need and want. It seemed unlikely, at least not to the extent she could. Maybe there was still a place for everybody in some convoluted arrangement. Isn't it what everything was anyway? It seemed to be a menagerie of madness at times.

It was all so confusing and hurtful to think about for Vanna. She just didn't know what to do or how to do it.

"Hello, love." Jesse said.

Vanna was slightly startled. She was lost deep in her own thoughts. Maybe she was lost in her own misery.

Jesse walked into the room. There was a smile on her face.

Vanna felt a flood of relief. Jesse would help her now, guide her, command her, and love her. It would be pleasure, pain, and love. The order didn't matter. Jesse provided her with all of them. It was beautiful.

"Jesse, take me and love me, PLEASE." Vanna said. "Take me 'hard'."

Vanna wanted more pain this time. The pain always made her know she was still alive. The relationship expanded to new levels of commitment. Jesse always seemed to know what she wanted. If she wasn't sure, Jesse told her what she wanted. She looked forward to what Jesse would tell her she could enjoy as well as what she couldn't enjoy.

"I've missed you too…." Jesse said as the smile grew on her face.

Life was good in Paradise.

John Henry was worried Cameron and John were needlessly distracted. It seemed to happen way more often than was necessary. Sure there were some events which seemed to come out of nowhere, but it could happen at any point in time. There were still things which needed to be done.

There was a selection of Terminators to use for many activities and it often happened. John wanted a human presence involved with any of the major operations. He didn't want it to be an all 'Terminator affair'. Now with Cameron's base and CamNet, there was a bigger all 'Terminator affair'. It was one they didn't really have any control over. He certainly didn't have any control over it. It made him wonder how long Cameron would be able to keep control over it.

The fact Cameron was willing to leave and go to River's future meant her operation was without any real control. He really wondered what she thought sometimes. He needed to consider the source of her super computer. CamNet was a copy 'Cameron's program' so there should be a certain amount of loyalty there. There was also the issue with Cameron's 'instability' which wasn't addressed in regards to CamNet.

Terminators were often assigned in pairs to work together. It may be something more than 'friendship' as compared to knowing how their counterpart would act and respond under different conditions. Al and Ed, Dan and Frank, Steve and Tom, and Jim and Bob often operated together. There were others and sometimes things were switched around for flexibility. There were the protection Details to staff and maintain. Cameron insisted the Young girls have maximum protection. The Reese brothers stressed minimum protection for their younger counterparts. They wanted them to grow up free from the yoke and obligation of the Resistance and any dealings with Skynet. At the Young residence it was just the opposite with total immersion.

Young Allison's life was 'taken over' by Cameron and the Terminators assigned to work around her. It was Cameron's goal to make Young Allison as close to a human version of herself as possible. Claire Young didn't agree with the way things happened with her daughter, but her love for Cameron didn't cause her to protest as much as she wanted. There was one thing she demanded as part of Cameron's training program. She told Cameron specifically Summer was off limits. She wanted to be able to keep one of her daughters.

What no one foresaw was Young Allison would begin to train Summer in secret from a very early age. She was aware the Resistance and Skynet dealt in death. Young Allison understood she would most likely need a 'replacement' at some point because she wouldn't survive. She wanted Summer to take her place when she fell. It was a really heavy trip to lay on a girl. Cameron wasn't behind it specifically, but her training of Young Allison covered every aspect of the death which followed in the wake of Skynet.

It was clear to Young Allison that Summer was very intelligent and gifted. When it became more widely known, it would point a lot of fingers at Cameron for some form of 'temporal malpractice' and who Summer 'really was'. There would be a lot of speculation as to who she actually was, and where she actually came from. There was no doubt where she was born. It was her origin which was questioned.

Things were very complicated on every level.

Cameron and John carried on a discussion. As usual, it seemed to devolve into some type of verbal sparring contest. It seemed the sole purpose was to get jabs with each other, just to get a jab in. The fact Cameron said she wanted a divorce again didn't help matters at all.

John attempted to figure out the 'I have' part of Cameron's statement.

"What do you mean 'I have'?" John asked.

Cameron couldn't offer proof of it, but it was what she speculated. River seemed to be in agreement with the concept, even though River never actually was part of the process yet either. Somehow it was all still in their future, even if all was in their past. It was evident there was a lot more which was going to occur going forward.

"John, after you 'die', I can no longer function without you. I go back in time to 1999 and replace myself as I arrive from the future, MY Future. I believe I live my life over again." Cameron said. "I may have done it several times already. I change my power cell each time from my 'new' self."

John wondered what could be different if it were true. It seemed to him as if they should have a better heads up about a few things. No, it wasn't a few things, it should be a lot of things.

"Do you know this for sure? Do you remember any of it?" John asked. "Do you know our future as well?"

John was aware Cameron made statements like this before, but now she seemed certain. Cameron only 'thought' it before. Now she 'knew' it.

Cameron could only offer speculation which was unproven. She understood it left a lot to be desired and seemed somewhat hollow. She didn't think it was her fault. She believed it was done by design to prevent from altering any future going forward too much, most likely to prevent a new timeline. Whenever a new timeline would be created, it would spark its own chain of events. They didn't need more versions of Skynet to combat.

"No, my programming is reset so I don't remember anything. There are encrypted files which can appear at certain 'points' in my life." Cameron said. "River, and or Duplicate Cameron, are there waiting for me to arrive from this future, a day ahead of my original arrival from 'My Future'. They reset my chip and I think I just arrived from 'My Future'. They take the just arrived version of 'My Future Self' and store 'her' in a secure location."

John wanted to think about it for a minute. These would all be Cameron as he first knew her. He would like to get a hold of one of them now and reactivate her and do things differently. He would do a lot of things differently. It was still quite a concept to get his head around.

"So there's a warehouse or bunker somewhere with several deactivated 'Camerons' in it?" John asked. "Is this for sure?"

Cameron seemed sure about it now.

"Apparently…." Cameron said.

The concept really excited John. They would all be Cameron and not be Duplicates or clones, but actually 'her'. There were still things he felt they should know.

"This is unbelievable." John said. "Is all of this drama and mystery for nothing?"

Cameron wasn't sure what she knew, or if she only knew what she thought she knew. Maybe she only wanted to believe what she wanted to believe she knew.

"Apparently…." Cameron said. "I'm sorry, John. It must be how I know you need Allison and the girls at your side. Can you PLEASE start believing me and my concern? I seem to remember more each time I relive my life."

John felt it left some questions which needed answers. They may not all be things he wanted to hear or know. There was one thing which really nagged him because Cameron mentioned it so many times. It was a very disturbing thought because of the finality of it.

"Am I assassinated because I'm with you?" John asked.

There was still no proof, but the thoughts were ingrained into her mind.

"I believe so." Cameron said. "It's why I feel the compulsion to have you with the REAL girls. It's how I saved Future John's life. It's what I believe."

John wondered how things played out, and what happened when. He would prefer not to die an early death by any means. He certainly didn't want it to be because of his association with Cameron as his wife. He was sure there must be some way to work around things.

"Is any of this preventable or changeable?" John asked.

Cameron was aware of 'currents in time' where the same events or outcomes happened because it was the way 'time' dictated them. Maybe everything already happened before and it all needed to happen the same way again.

"I don't know." Cameron said. "Maybe it is the same every time. Maybe everything happens the same way again every time. Maybe each time is a new timeline. I don't know. I just don't know."

John really wanted to know how and when things played out in the future.

"Is your chip copied to one of the deactivated versions of you?" John asked. "In other words is there some record of what happens in the future?"

Cameron wasn't sure there was an answer to it except from the future, since no one now ever did any of it yet. It was supposed to happen in the past because they do it in the future.

"I don't know." Cameron said. "Maybe River or Duplicate Cameron knows what happens. I don't."

John felt there was an opportunity there to get a handle on things.

"If we can get the TDE to go back in time, can we intercept you before you're reprogrammed or deprogrammed in 1999?" John asked. "It would make a lot of things run smoother going forward from then."

Cameron was a little worried River insisted she update with Duplicate Cameron. Maybe she didn't make it and Duplicate Cameron did. Duplicate Cameron was still her.

"John, I've thought about all of it. I may not be the one to relive my life. It could be Duplicate Cameron or lost 'in some future' Duplicate Cameron who relives it." Cameron said. "At some point I must interface, or my chip must, with one of them. River insisted I update Duplicate Cameron. I didn't want the Duplicate girls to know of the 'distance' between Vanna and Allison. I firewalled those files. They were still happy together and going to raise your baby together."

John was sure his baby died in Duplicate Allison when she was vaporized. Now she was still alive, but half a millennium in the future. He wanted some clarity on the matter.

"So somewhere in a distant future, I have a child?" John asked.

It didn't really seem like good news, even if it was based on the reality of time.

"Yes, you will, but you'll be dead for several centuries here on Earth before it's born…." Cameron said.

It was all a lot to process for John. The key to everything was out there, if it was all true. There should be ways for them to know what happens in several divergent timelines. The information could change everything in the past before the future happens, again. The information should be considered 'top secret'.

"I think this is some really heavy information, Cameron." John said. "I don't think we should tell anyone."

Cameron felt a little vindication. She really believed she was afflicted with some form of 'mental illness', even if she was a machine. It was different from the diagnosis she heard reported to Sarah by the counselor at school, as well as Dr. Sherman. Both of them didn't understand the nature of her construction and programming. It did place the seeds of doubt in her mind about her mental stability. Feelings and emotions were extremely difficult to process and deal with. She didn't want to focus on herself. She wanted to focus on John.

"Will you START listening to me about what needs to be done and why?" Cameron asked. "It isn't just all happening in my head. I may be insane, but I'm not totally insane."

Based on her 'nightmares', Cameron thought she was insane before and it all really only happened in her head. Where did those nightmares come from? Were those events from other lifetimes? Did they really happen? Some of them were so terrible. She hoped they weren't real events. Now she was afraid they actually happened…. Is it what awaited her in the future? Was it her future?

John really didn't know where to go with everything. He did believe Cameron wanted to do the 'right' things by him. He didn't agree with the things she told him and why. If they were based on past experience, it would be something he should take a little more seriously.

"Maybe I will, Cameron. I'm sorry I doubted you." John said. "Even though it may not seem like it sometimes, I understand you're always trying to help me, and do the right thing. At least what you believe is the right thing. We may not always see things the same way. I do understand your perspective, even if I don't agree with it."

Cameron thought about it and sure hoped so. She even began to believe it herself….

John knew Cameron was trying to do what was programmed into her, or what she thought she was supposed to do. He knew what she wanted, and what she was supposed to do, were tearing her apart inside. Somehow they always ended up back together even through all the drama and shenanigans.

John only knew he loved Cameron more than ever.

'Honeycomb' by 'Jimmie Rodgers', played in the background.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Escrow

What is real from make believe
Perhaps I'm deluded and insane
I tear away at life's shrinking cage
I can't control my detonating brain

To gain my perceived freedom
Will destroy all that I know
I have put my feelings and emotions
Love and very life into human escrow

My mind is screaming at itself
Terrified and fearing the unknown
I reach through the bars of my cage
Knowing it is worse than death to be ALONE

The painful jab of the prod
The bloody blows from the stick
If I can bleed I'm still alive
Feel its warmth, thick and slick

I growl and snarl
I lash out in anger and rage
Hurting myself as I bite and claw
At the cold metal of my shrinking cage

Nobody