I'm bleeding out, 'cause you blurred the lines
The strength I found in the harshest time
Hallowed out, kicked down, rolling all over the ground
Cracked earth, hurts worse, no one else is hearing a sound
Backlash, heart-crash, running through the woods with my eyes closed tight
sunrise, magpies, throw myself into the light
I'm bleeding out, 'cause you blurred the lines
The strength I found in the harshest time
- You Blurred the Lines by Stewart Ross Tones & Hannah Cartwright
There Remus and I stood in the middle of the grounds of Hogwarts, the Forbidden Forest was deserted, but still we heard the sounds left by the magical animals in the dark branches around us. Some to warn us not to approach further, other creatures to draw attention to themselves and attract us as prey.
But on this starry night, we were by no means there because of these diverse magical creatures. Dumbledore had given us permission to say goodbye. So, we both stood silently by a small fire in a clearing. It was the place that had meaning for the Marauders. Here they cavorted as Animagi and also as students, planned new pranks or laughed at the past successes. None of these boys would have thought what fate would have in store for them. Only two of them were left. Remus and Peter, who had both taken different paths. One the affectionate werewolf, the other the treacherous rate.
Remus looked at me, unable to utter a word. There was a sadness in his eyes that could not be put into words, an expression I had never hoped to see in him again. Another part of his life had been snuffed out, one more brother had gone to his death. His desperation when I took him in my arms after this stroke of fate was unprecedented. It was I who dried his tears this time, gently rocking him in my arms until the darkness put him to sleep with my potions, which could calm him down while Tonks was treated at St. Mungo, just like Minerva. I saw it right in front of me again...
... a few weeks after Severus had left me like an old ballast in his life, I stood in St. Mungo, having taken time off and Remus was able to leave me alone again without fear that I would harm myself. Remus had also apologized to me at the other meetings of the Order because I was unable to face Severus, it would have been too painful. At times, I thought of simply turn off my emotions with a magic potion. But wasn't it my feelings that defined me as a person too? How could I have just ignored a part of myself, even if it was that part that was tearing me apart. And there was Remus, for whom I felt so much affection. I was infinitely grateful to have him in my life. An immeasurable support. How could I have left my deep attachment to him from my life to become cold as a statue of ice? To rip my heart out and lock it up in a box, like in a story of Beedle the Bard? Did I want to become like the story of The Warlock's Hairy Heart?
And so, the wind, which summer had finally brought to full splendour at the end of June, blew through my hair when I entered the hospital.
Meanwhile, Professor Minerva McGonagall was at St. Mungo's after receiving four stunning spells to the chest from Dolores Umbridge and several corrupt Dementors. I decided to visit her that day after my night shift.
Slowly, I walked the paths I knew when Asklepios Sharp came to meet me to go home after his day shift so that I could take over the night shift. With a worried expression, he looked at me from top to bottom. I knew I had become slim in the last few weeks, as I had to force the food in, which was not due to the cooking skills of Remus, who only left me for a few hours a day.
"Are you fully recovered? You still look so pale. If you don't feel comfortable enough, I'll be happy to take over your shifts for the next few weeks again. Dragon pox is not to be trifled with, and you-" he began, but I interrupted him in a low voice.
"It wasn't dragonpox, Asclepius," I said, because I just couldn't lie to him. I knew he was a good friend who would sooner or later realize what had really happened to me. He looked at me with raised eyebrows. No, it was worse, much worse than dragonpox.
"Then?" he asked uncertainly, as I did not explain myself further. I looked at him briefly before rumbling the truth over my lips to stand like a red elephant in the space between us.
"It was my heart, Asclepius. My partner, he left me," it escaped me, as if I couldn't trust my own words yet.
"What? That... I'm very sorry, Catherine. If there's anything I can do for you, it's then"-
"Yes, I know. Thank you!" I replied, trying to form a smile, but I felt that I was just distorting my mouth crookedly.
Suddenly, the siren wailed in St. Mungo, a sign that several witches or wizards had been brought in with dangerous injuries. Most of the time, this kind of thing happened after duels, and it meant that the healer-in-charge had to arrive immediately to determine the nature of the injury.
I started to run to the lower floor, since my shift had just begun, I threw on my lime green cloak in the race, unsure if I could withstand such challenges after my long break in which my heart was supposed to heal and still hadn't made it. But suddenly I heard footsteps beside me and was relieved to see that Asklepios joined me.
"I support you!" he shouted as fast as our legs allowed.
I recognized a young witch with purple short hair and a heart-shaped face motionless on a stretcher, while Asclepius immediately informed herself about the current status of Miriam Strout, who had already arrived before us.
At Tonks' side, Remus stood frozen. His face looked as if he had seen a ghost. I rushed to him, grabbed his arm and saw a deep cut in his shoulder.
"She's got a proper curse, but Strout says she'll get the girl back. She'll be on the fourth floor at once," I heard Asclepius call to me as he began to take care of Kingsley Shaklebolt, who was holding a cloth on a bleeding wound on his head, from which frogs jumped and Miriam Strout drove away from us with Tonks.
"Remus, what-," I began, but suddenly Remus looked at me with a look that left me speechless.
"Sirius," he gasped with wide-eyed eyes and sank to the ground in front of me as his legs seemed to give way beneath him.
"What about Sirius?" My voice sounded shrill as I dropped down next to him. I didn't notice the hustle and bustle around us anymore.
"No, don't say he..." My voice choked again, knowing what Remus was trying to tell me. It was like a hurricane that swept over us and took everything with it, leaving only a great emptiness. And yet, it seemed to be what we both already knew, because had we ever really believed it wouldn't happen again?
"Bellatrix Lestrange killed Sirius," Remus extorted through tears...
And now we stood together in the Forbidden Forest in front of a blazing fire that we had kindled. Both were still too taken aback by everything that had happened to us. I sighed, but although it was similarly difficult, I knew that the brotherly connection between Sirius and Remus did not allow him to find the right words. The whole thing was too close to him, he now seemed too connected with death, where there were now more friends and companions than in life.
"We are here tonight to pay our last respects to our friend Sirius. It is the last farewell we can take from him. Even though his body is completely left to die, his soul is kept in our memories and hearts. We hereby commemorate him. A friend who was unshakably brave in his life," I said in a low and gentle voice.
Remus began to sob and almost deprived me of my concentration, which was no longer in good shape anyway. But I wanted to give Sirius a dignified farewell on the way and so, after a few moments, I regained my composure and tried to find new words. And yet they faded away in the blackness of the night, as if they were as insignificant as the two of us.
In the end, we both burned two mementos that we connected to Sirius and gave them to him on his way to the realm of the dead. I threw a bottle of his favourite fire whiskey into the flickering fire, which caused the flame to blaze up as if it wanted to seize the highest treetops. Remus put an old letter into the fire, which now took its secrets with it.
Together, we threw an elderly Daily Prophet of a few days into the fire and watched as the editorial, "The One Who Must Not Be Named has Returned," burned up in the flames. The reason for his untimely death. Another on this long list and the first in the new war, which is likely to be followed by many more. Maybe my name would also appear on this list at some point, but this seemed irrelevant by now. The only death I had to prevent was that of Remus. He was the only one I had left and without him I wouldn't be able to exist anyway. But Severus also had to live, even though he left behind a pile of shards in me, which Remus had devotedly taken care of for the past few weeks. I couldn't just turn off my feelings for Severus. How could that work? They had been with me all my life. Despite his harsh words, I knew there had to be something behind it.
Thinking of this, I grabbed Remus' hand as we both gazed silently into the fire, tears of grief running down our frozen faces. We did not have a tomb for Sirius, as his body has disappeared in the veil of the Room of Death. Nothing reminded me of him anymore except our memories and I knew that Remus had suffered another death of his own. His body had become lean, for he could hardly get a bite of food down. Just like me, who was also burdened with the grief of another friend, but the loss of Severus hurt me all the more. And the death of Sirius had also made me realize why I had to keep fighting. I had to protect my friends. I couldn't afford another loss. I felt I was born to win this damn war and secure a place in the Muggle-born witches and wizards of this world, and now nothing was holding me back from taking the necessary risks. I pinned all my hopes on Harry and this Order under Dumbledore's leadership. And I was encouraged by Dumbledore, who seemed confident of victory, because he told us that he might have found a way to defeat Tom Vorlost Riddle once and for all before he had embarked on his mission that evening.
So, I knew I was strong enough by now, because the will to win was stronger in me than ever before. No matter what the cost, I wouldn't give up until my last breath. Even if that meant meeting Severus again the next evening at the next meeting, the first time since our separation.
At first, I had thought his words were a deception, hoping he would walk into my apartment the next day and claim that it was a show for Remus. But he didn't come. No news from him. He had simply ignored a letter from my owl Tibi. Just like me, as if I had never existed in his life.
I sighed loudly into the blazing flames at the thought of him. It still hurt and I still didn't understand what exactly had happened. But after Remus had stood by me for a few days, I knew that this could not mean the end for me, as long as my heart could still beat, I still felt it. Hope.
"Thank you. Sirius would have liked it," I heard my best friend's voice in my ear. I turned to him, tried to smile and felt that it failed again. It was as if the laughter or smile in my life had run out.
Remus looked at me sadly, he knew about my heartache, knew my pain. But what were they compared to his loss? Sirius had not voluntarily left his life, Severus, on the other hand, had left me on purpose. But Severus lived and Remus lived. And as long as both were still in this world, so would I. Both were my life.
Remus squeezed my hand harder, but he was silent because he understood me. Losses. Too many of them for my heart to handle. By now, everything inside me just felt hollow that didn't hurt. But in the days of July, the feeling of being more grew in me. I was here for a reason, trained as a healer and a member of the Order of the Phoenix. I wanted to fight. Give everything I could.
"Thank you all for coming together almost completely today. Thanks to the new owner of the house, Harry, we have permission to continue to have the headquarters of our meetings here. Even though the loss of the original owner leaves a great void in our midst, which is extremely serious for some of us," Albus Dumbledore began, turning to Remus and me in his last words, but no one focused on his words, because we were all just staring at his hand. It was completely black in colour, and we all recognized an extremely powerful curse in it, about which the headmaster was still silent.
"Unfortunately, in addition to Sirius, we now also have to mourn the loss of Emmeline, who was executed by Death Eaters when she was doing her job and shadowing the Muggle Prime Minister to protect him. Kingsley protects him during his working hours. But now we need someone to continue Emmeline's important task so that her death will not be in vain. Unfortunately, in the course of the battle in the Mystery Department, we also failed to secure the Junior Minister, who is now controlled by an Imperius Curse. It is therefore of great importance to protect the prime minister."
Silence spread among all of us as the man on Dumbledore's right looked down as if he were as responsible for Emmeline's death as the Death Eaters addressed. I looked at Severus, which made my heart cramp inside. But it was inevitable to see him at these meetings in the future and even though he ended our relationship, this did not change my feelings for him, even if his words had hurt me deeply. But something in me still had hopes of changing his mind, even if my mind rebelled against it. Too often he had hurt me, too deep were the wounds on my soul. And I don't know if it was this dichotomy that moved my hand up to voluntarily throw myself into this risky task, or if it was because no one else seemed to want to do it. In any case, Tonks seemed to be somewhere else in the matter and stared at Remus out of the corner of her eyes the whole time. In general, she was pale today and her hair was unusually colourless in a mouse brown. Alastor, who otherwise volunteered for such suicide squads, was busy developing a plan together with Dumbledore to give Harry sufficient protection at Hogwarts and to discuss this with the now open Ministry.
All eyes were on me as I raised my hand for the task of protecting the Muggle Prime Minister during the night. Even Severus raised his eyes in disbelief, as if it took his breath away, as if my life meant more to him than he wanted to admit. Or was I wrong?
"I'm going to take on this task," I shouted loudly into the group. But Dumbledore frowned anxiously.
"It's commendable that you want to do that. But do you dare to do that?" he asked seriously and looked at me closely. His doubts made my features harden. Since when does he care if someone was ready for a task? Or informed enough?
"I'm now more proficient in duels than I was in the previous fight with Voldemort. Gideon, Alastor and Remus trained me. I'm ready to compete in a duel," I said confidently, but my friend Remus tensed noticeably next to me, as if he also wanted to reverse my decision.
"I'll go with Catherine," he said loudly, but I shook my head.
"You have other tasks, Remus," I replied with a smile, because he was supposed to win the werewolves for us. In return, he had committed himself to living under a large pack for the next few weeks and to create trust there.
"I'm in a losing position in this task. I'd rather support you," he began, but Dumbledore cut him off with a wave of his hand.
"If Catherine dares to do this in addition to her shifts at St. Mungo and the Order, then I am pleased that she will take on this task," said the headmaster loudly. "And if you want to accompany them from time to time, it is of course possible. But you know your main task and it must not suffer as a result."
Remus nodded eagerly, while Severus suddenly cleared his throat. But before he raised his voice, the old wizard turned to him.
"I know all the objections, Severus. The two of us will discuss your last mission afterwards. First of all, I would like to hear the news from all the members of the Order. Arthur, I heard that you have formed a special unit in the Ministry?" Dumbledore said firmly, turning to the wizard as if it were now a matter of course for me to take over my task.
"That's right, I'm looking for the many dangerous magical objects that are sold as 'protection' against black magic attacks," Arthur explained, but I couldn't listen to the session anymore and only heard in passing that Tonks was stationed at Hogsmeade at the start of school or that Harry was to move from the Dursleys to the Burrow in a week. Instead, I watched as Severus grouchily inspected the toes of his shoes until a name startled me.
"... Garrick Ollivander and Florean Fortesque have disappeared from Diagon Alley. No one knows what happened to both of them. However, it has been testified about Igor Karkaroff that he was killed. He was killed in a hut in the north, over which the Dark Mark was emblazoned," Alastor explained, looking at the black-haired wizard next to Dumbledore.
"It was only a matter of time before Avery and Mulciber would find him," Severus said dryly, as if all this were nothing more than an annoying splinter in the nail.
"And Ollivander and Fortesque?" asked Alastor with sparkling eyes.
"Fortesque was unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time, the Dark Lord just wanted Ollivander. And he's still alive as long as he's useful, that much I know," Severus replied sluggishly before casting a meaningful glance at Dumbledore.
"At least you know something," Alastor growled, as if to take over the part of Sirius who had always offended Severus. I tried to catch Severus' insulted look, but he didn't seem to be looking in my direction, as if I was an embarrassment that had to be avoided.
"What about the current situation in the Ministry?" Dumbledore asked the members of the Order who were employed there.
"It is clear that the Brockdale Bridge collapsed by magic, that the giants are currently wreaking havoc on the West Coast, and that the foggy, cold weather that is partly prevalent in the country is due to brooding Dementors who no longer protect Azkaban. All of this is to be communicated to the Muggle Minister as soon as Rufus Scrimgeour has been officially confirmed as the new Minister of Magic, which is likely to happen this evening. The murders of Amelia Bones and Emmeline Vance are also officially attached to the Death Eaters and Voldemort. I don't have any information yet about how Herbet Chorley is doing," Arthur concluded his monologue and looked at me hopefully.
"He is currently still being treated at St. Mungo. Unfortunately, despite the fact that the Imperius failed, the curse is very strong and the Junior Minister vehemently resists his treatment and attacks the treating healers. At the moment, the Junior Minister is not following his secret orders from the death eaters, but he is also unable to behave as normal according to his own will. But his healer- in- charge at St. Mungo are confident that they will be able to cure this in the next few days," I explained, and had the attention of everyone present, except Severus, who was staring at the ceiling above him, gritting his teeth, as if this meeting were the purest waste of his valuable time.
"Well, then we have been able to clarify the important facts tonight. Thank you all and-" Dumbledore wanted to end the session, but Alastor interrupted him so abruptly that his features slipped away for a moment.
"Wouldn't you like to tell us about the curse in your hand?" the Auror asked, pointing to our leader's charred hand. Everyone held their breath, because each of us wanted to know, but no one dared to ask.
"A little carelessness on my part. You can see that you should always put your thoughts together when you take on your enemies. But, don't worry, it won't change our plans," he explained, smiling grandfatherly at the group, which made some relax. But Remus gave me a strange look and I guessed his thoughts. But other fears blazed in me than the careless Albus Dumbledore, who seemed to want to hide from us the seriousness of his injury, for it was something that did not surprise me: my thoughts were fixed on Ollivander. What if Voldemort held him captive and extorted certain information from him... about the connection between Severus and me? It would jeopardize everything we are working on. I felt nauseous at the thought of what kind of trouble my misplaced curiosity about the wand connection could bring to the Order... and Severus.
I tried to look at Severus and catch his gaze to warn him. But Severus stubbornly avoided my gaze, as if I were pure poison.
When Dumbeldore had finished our session, I rose in a hurry before the headmaster could claim him, but Remus pulled me back.
"He has made his opinion of you clear. Please, don't let anyone hurt you any further. You're worth so much more than that!" Remus whispered quietly to me, he had apparently been able to read my plans from my eyes without any problems, but I escaped his objections shaking my head.
"I have to talk to him, it's about something much more important than me and my hurt feelings," I whispered, watching Tonks look at both of us with sparkling eyes.
On my way to Severus, Molly suddenly stepped in my way.
"How are you, my dear? Remus had told us that you had dragon pox. It's nice to see that you didn't suffer any scars like our great-great-uncle Abhainn. It was terrible..." she began, but I could hardly listen when I saw Severus holding Dumbledore's healthy forearm and whispering something in his ear. "... You know, our eldest son is now engaged to a French woman. They want to get married next summer and she is visiting us right now. Oh, I can tell you, I didn't ask for such a daughter-in-law, she's just for the eye, actually she's really unbearable and-"
"Molly, if Bill loves her and wants to marry her, there will be a good reason for it. He is not someone who is blinded by appearances. And now excuse me, I still have something urgent to clarify," I said, freeing myself from this inappropriate conversation by leaving Molly gasping for breath with her mouth open.
Tonks was already standing in front of me and raised her voice only slightly to get my attention.
"Can I talk to you? It's important!" she said seriously, looking at me with sad eyes that didn't fit in with her usual carefree nature. "It's about Remus."
"In an hour we will meet in front of the door of the house. I have to first... damn it!" I shouted and pushed myself on, leaving Tonks in the line of disappointed interlocutors as I saw Severus turn to leave.
"Catherine, we still need to discuss our shift change in more detail to protect the Muggle Minster," Kingsley Shacklebolt's sonorous voice boomed to my ear. I just nodded.
"Right away, please wait for me for a moment. I need to clarify something," I shouted quickly and hurriedly rushed after the man with the black hair, who seemed to be in a hurry to leave this round.
"Severus... please wait!" I shouted into the empty hallway, so that immediately Mrs. Black began to spit her hate triads on us. But Severus stopped only in the blink of an eye, tensed up and even quickened his steps to the door. Was I really that uncomfortable for him?
But that couldn't matter now and I rushed after him, my heart suddenly pounding in my chest stronger than it would have been necessary due to my fast walking. But I knew the reason, because even if Severus wanted to negate his feelings for me, I couldn't find the strength to do so.
"Severus, please. It's about Ollivander. It's about all of us," I said louder, and with a sigh of relief I heard his hand faltering on the doorknob.
"We need to talk undisturbed for a moment," I said when I arrived at his place. Very slowly, he turned around and grimaced reluctantly.
"I hope it's not an excuse to be alone with me and change my mind. I don't have the time for such an ill-fated undertaking," he growled icily, but I shook my head.
"I have an important piece of information that is crucial for success," I explained quietly and looked into his bottomless black eyes that made my blood run hot. I felt the urge to get close to those eyes, to light fire in them where there was ice. But I saw Severus sigh, as if my sentence had left him no choice but to listen to me, no matter how much he wanted to avoid conversation with me.
Suddenly, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the storage room next to the staircase. That brief touch was enough to send shivers down my spine, even though the long sleeves of my blouse avoided direct skin contact. But in my presence of mind, I magically locked the door so that no one could disturb or eavesdrop on us.
"What about Ollivander?" Severus asked into the darkness, his breath tingling on my face. I narrowed my eyes to at least slowly make out its outline of the little light that shone through the crack in the door.
"I'll get to that in a moment. Why is Dumbledore's hand so charred? What curse-," I began, but his words cut through the hazy air of the chamber like a sharp blade.
"It's none of your business as long as Dumbledore doesn't let you in himself," he hissed angrily.
"So, he didn't tell you the exact reason why he risked such an injury," I concluded, disappointed, because I suspected it had to be something significant for Dumbledore to expose himself to such danger.
"What about Ollivander? I still have appointments afterwards," Severus asked and tried to suppress the anger about my presumably correct assessment in his voice a little.
"He knows about our connection," I whispered softly. Severus audibly drew in his breath and was silent for a few moments, during which I bit my lower lip painfully.
"What does he know exactly? Why?" Severus snapped, his voice sounding icy, but also very tense.
"I went to see him after our wands had this strange connection. Our wands have the same core, a heart fiber of the same dragon, which would explain the connection," I explained to him. "So, we can never compete against each other in a serious duel, our wands would prevent it."
"You did WHAT?" he shouted angrily. ""What on earth made you want to break our cover?"
"I just wanted to find out what it was that connected us," I whispered, wondering if it was really worth it. In any case, our magical connection seemed clearly irrelevant to Severus, and maybe it was, because what else did this connection mean?
"Does Ollivander know about us?" Severus asked after a few breaths, and I felt his eyes resting menacingly on me as he clenched his fists.
"He could guess it, but he promised to keep it to himself." My throat tightened at the thought that this old wizard was now in the hands of Voldemort and his followers.
"How could you be so foolish? Ollivander is imprisoned because of the knowledge he harbours. Do you know what it means for both of us when this comes out?" His words were quiet, but the anger in them was unmistakable.
"Death," I answered curtly, and I felt nauseous because I had endangered everything, not only our lives, but also the secret missions of Severus, which ensured the survival of the members of the Order.
"Forgive me, Severus," I whispered, noticing his body tensing up in front of me.
"I will try to eradicate your imprudence. Ollivander is currently in Malfoy's basement, which the Dark Lord has converted into a kind of prison. Are there any other stupidities you have to confess to me?" I felt his eyes resting on me as I looked up from the ground.
"Just one more thing: how could I believe your words?" I asked him earnestly.
"You wanted to believe that I loved you," he said full of mockery in his voice, turned to leave, but I held him by the arm.
"No, I mean your words when you ended our relationship," I whispered, hearing him gasp. "I feel that I mean something to you. More than you want to tell me by now. Even if you still love Lily and-"
"Be quiet, you foolish witch! Haven't I already proven to you that I can't do you justice? What else do you want before you let me go? That I'm snubbing you publicly? Don't challenge me any further!" he grumbled between pressed lips.
"As you wish, Severus," I groaned and picked up the magical wards that were still on the door, so that Severus could escape from our unpleasant meeting.
But before he opened the door, he turned to me again.
"I thought Lupin had better control of you. Why did you volunteer on this dangerous mission to protect this Muggle Minister? Shacklebolt is capable and trained, but you are-" he began to weigh his insults on his tongue again, but I cut him off.
"What have I got to lose, Severus?" I asked into the blackness of his widening eyes, before stepping into the hallway where Kingsley was already waiting for me.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise, hoping that Severus would take some time to follow me.
"Don't worry, we all still have secrets besides the Order that may be significant enough to keep it alive," Kingsley whispered softly to me, nodding encouragingly. I sighed, hoping that no other people would expose the connection between me and Severus.
"It was a purely business conversation about the prisoners," I replied confidently and seriously.
"I didn't expect anything else. I hope you were able to experience what is useful to you! Not everyone trusts this wizard," Kingsley said seriously as we stepped into the starry night.
I nodded anxiously and we both made a time for our shift work before Tonks quietly joined us and Shacklebolt said goodbye in a friendly manner.
"What do you think of a drink?" I asked Tonks, whose hair hung limply down her heart-shaped face. She nodded curtly in response and together we walked in silence to the nearest Muggle pub around the corner.
"You said it's about Remus?" I asked the young woman after we were seated. She nodded curtly again and put on a serious face.
"I need to know what exactly is between you. That it's not up to you," she said, after a few moments of silence.
"What do you mean? Remus is my best friend, my family," I said, taking a sip of the beer in front of me.
"And nothing more than that?" she hacked, looking deep into my eyes, which were fixed on her with a gentle gaze.
"I love him more than I love myself. I would give my life for him. And I'm sure he feels the same way. Is that what you wanted to know?" I asked with a distinct frown. I knew she was jealous of something that wasn't there.
"And you never had... more?" she asked, and I saw her tremble slightly as I shook my head distinctly.
"You love him, don't you?" I asked the young woman with the heart-shaped face in front of me right after she had fallen into silence again.
"Yes, I do. But he refuses to have a relationship with me. I don't understand it. On our last mission together, we kissed. I told him how I felt about him. That I don't care that he's a werewolf. But... He said he couldn't do that with me. I..." Tears began to fill her dark eyes. I grabbed her hand with a sigh.
"Is that the reason for your current... condition?" I asked in a soft voice, knowing exactly how she had to torture herself, because didn't I feel this terrible emptiness burning inside me too?
"You mean I've lost all my abilities as a metamorphmagus?" She looked at me with moist eyes and confirmed her words with a nod. "Even my Patronus is now a werewolf. When I wanted to send Alastor a secret message, he just poured out of my wand instead of my usual rabbit and-"
"Your Patronus has changed?" I asked in a choking voice.
"You may have read about how he adapts sometimes... after a horrible event, a big life change, or when you're telling someone truly... loves." She almost swallowed the last word, which made me shudder. Just like with Severus... the doe.
His heart's desire… Lily. Why hadn't I felt that? All these years, his true love was untouched her. But what was I to him? Really just a pastime? I closed my eyes and swallowed. For a while Tonks and I were silent together in our pain. The sight of the otherwise cheerful woman, who now sits in front of me broken, as broken as I feel myself, made me feel great compassion. I knew I had to give her back some strength, I owed it to myself.
"Remus is afraid of himself. He has such a bad opinion of himself and the werewolf part in him that sometimes he can't think clearly. But I feel that he has strong feelings for you," I said softly, taking a sip from my glass. "I'm going to talk to Remus. Maybe I can get him to give you both a chance despite his misgivings. Ok?" I asked, trying to smile encouragingly.
"Thank you. I've already talked to Molly about it. She thinks that Sirius' death may have helped Remus keep his distance from me," she explained, trying to dry her tears on her sleeve. I put on my robe and pulled out an old greyish handkerchief, the sight of which immediately stabbed me in the heart again. But I handed it to her and watched as Tonks dried her tears on Eileen Snape's old handkerchief.
"And now we're going to toast," I said seriously and raised my beer, my gaze fixed demandingly on the untouched glass in front of Tonks.
"What? Now?" Her gaze fluctuated between curiosity and sheer horror, but I smiled.
"That we are strong women and that we will fight even without the love of our lives, if we have to! For a fairer future! We're both fighters, don't let our heartbreak get us down!"
The corners of Tonks' mouth bent into a grimace smile, as if she hadn't done so in a long time, as if her muscles had atrophied in her immeasurable grief for her love. She raised her full glass with trembling hands and clinked it softly against mine before we let the alcoholic liquid with which the Muggles were so fond of numbing themselves flow down our throats.
"That's one reason why Remus appreciates you so much," she said, smiling wryly.
"Because of my steadfastness in drinking?" I laughed and noisily placed my glass on the wooden table.
"Because of your ability to see and ignite a ray of hope in people even in the deepest darkness. I... In the meantime, I have learned to appreciate you as well. Thank you!" she said softly, before opening her eyes as if something was coming into her mind that seemed hidden until then.
"But say, the love you spoke of... Is it my... Uncle?" she asked, slapping her hand over her mouth. "Forgive me, you are certainly in deep mourning, and I speak of my suffering as if yours were nothing," she began to stammer, but I interrupted her with a shake of my head.
"No, the heart of Sirius belonged all his life to another very precious friend of mine, who left this world long before him," I explained with a bitter undertone, for it was the same woman to whom Severus had sworn to this day.
"But who is-?" Her question echoed in my head and I avoided it with a shake of my head.
"This is now insignificant. For me, the only thing that counts is this war, which must be won before our opponents oppose a superior force, as they did last time. Unfortunately, the ministry sided with us far too late. Who knows how many there are already on Voldemort's side - voluntarily or forced. That's why we are needed, Tonks! We have to function, no matter what's happening in our hearts," I said, looking seriously into her now alert brown eyes.
And with that I tried to bury my pain. At least for now.