And here we are! Another Friday another update! A nice chonky chapter for you guys this week! Enjoy ^-^

ROBYN POV

Isla Benon, Nadia Teron, Jacob Taten and Jon Stak.

Four names that would only be said with sadness. Names that parents would sob onto each other's shoulders, and siblings would hesitate to ever say again. Gone. Scrubbed from the present to the past. The four lives I'd wiped out. Me. I did this. The trees, we should have gone to the trees. But there wasn't time. No. No time. But surely something would have worked. Something would have saved them. A better leader perhaps. Better training. Anything.

Good job, useless child.

Cobbles sounded under the horses' hooves. We must have passed under the gate, returned to Trost. It seemed like it had been mere minutes though, so how could we have come so far? Or had they all died mere moments from the wall? So close to home. I didn't dare glance back, it would be too much to see how close we had come to safety. Instead, I just concentrated on my Captain's heartbeat. So steady. How could he be so calm after seeing so much failure? He held my hands so tightly. Was he angry? Probably. Then again, he might be worried I'd try to break free. In all honesty I probably would try that, lash out at the world and try to tear myself apart. But there's no strength left. My whole body ached with fatigue, with the strain of so many Titan kills, so much throwing around. Then again, I deserved worse. My ribs hurt. Had I broken them? Maybe. My stomach burned from one too many tumbles. Good. Feel it all.

For the time being, I focused on the strength of his back. My own spine seemed to have given up as I slumped my head against his shoulder blade.

Was I speaking?

My lips were moving, but I couldn't make out the words. All I could hear was the clack of the horse's hooves against the cobbles, the shifting of blades inside my Captain's gear, the rustle of capes. Maybe I just didn't want to hear me. Who would? Empty words from a useless leader. Shit. We must have joined the formation at the back of the line, no horses were behind us as we traipsed through Trost.

Despite the weather, some townsfolk still gathered to welcome us home. The Wings of Freedom. Little did they know we were drenched in the blood of the young. Thanks to me. Then again along with the welcomes, came the bitterness. The ignorant squabbling from the sidelines. As soon as they began to spit their bile, my Captain held my hand tighter. Whether that was for me, him, or them, I wasn't sure. But I was glad of it regardless.

"What a waste…"

"Fucking joke really."

Voices simmered and stewed around us for ten long minutes, the progression of the formation doing nothing to escape those damned voices. On and on they sneered at a goal they weren't brave enough to even consider. Even now, after Maria had fallen and all our worlds got that much smaller. Even now, they jibed and cackled. How? How didn't they look up at those walls and just see sand falling through an hourglass? A basement door waiting to be kicked in. A hiding place, about to be revealed and shattered. Monsters; be it fiends like Vincent, or mindless forging beasts like the Titans, they had one thing in common. They never gave up. Eventually they would try again. So we had to try and fight back, had to try and find the means to beat them at their own game. Right?

Then again, who was I helping? Other than fertilising the plains with fresh young corpses.

"What do they expect if they go waltzing out there? Idiots. Of course they're gonna die, they might as well line up and jump off the wall. Suicidal morons."

Fuck.

What do you expect you little rat, if you go waltzing around outside when I've told you to stay down here? Moron. Of course I have to punish you, of course I have to make your mother pay for letting you out. You might as well have sat her down and slapped her yourself. Vindictive rat. We have work to do, remember?

My patience snapped.

Enough.

I tugged my hands free from my Captain's grip, this made easier by the fact we're both drenched from the rain. Sliding off the horse, I landed heavily, grunting when my ribs objected. Then I walked, or possibly stumbled, over to the latest fat pig to vomit bile. How could such a pathetic creature think he had the right to besmirch the memory of brave soldiers? He'd have gotten along with that swine Vincent.

Yellowed eyes looked me up and down, jowls wrinkling into a fresh smirk until his gaze landed on my face. Then he went pale. I'd bet I looked a little scary. Perhaps nuts. Good. Whatever fear I instilled in this prick was nothing compared to what the Scouts encountered everytime they rode beyond the walls. Feel it, you shit. Feel it to your bones. My eyes itched as they went wider, aching with the many useless tears I'd shed on the way back into town. Every inch of me fidgeted, twitched or swayed. My hand gripped his sweaty throat and I lifted him onto his tip toes. My strength surprised me, so there was no telling what he thought of it.

I grinned. "How about we take a little trip up the wall? Would you like to see the view from your pen, you useless shit?" I spoke blankly, barely recognising my own voice as it fell like a stone onto the cobbles. I squeezed his windpipe. It would be so easy to press harder. To make it go SNAP. Let the useless life drift out of him. Why did shit like this endure, and yet those willing to make a difference ended up discarded in tiny pieces?

A hand landed on my shoulder. It held tight. My Captain's voice rumbled into my ear. But the words escaped me. All I could focus on was the way my prey's puffed red cheeks trembled, how his filthy hands clambered at my unyielding grip. Pathetic. Small. Not worth it. I threw him into a nearby puddle, enjoying how the mud splattered over his panicked face. I loomed, almost convulsing with the shudders running through my body. Had I even blinked yet? My Captain still held my shoulder, but he didn't tug me back. Was that for me, or was he enjoying seeing someone get a dose of medicine? Maybe he was just indulging me.

I stared down at the man in the puddle, his pathetic eyes wide, flicking to my bared teeth.

My voice hissed out. "Us soldiers? We don't waltz. We expect to help humanity. We expect to come home with progress made, we expect to at least find the people left in this stone cage to respect us. We don't expect a fucking parade, but I do expect you to keep that slimy tongue behind your crooked teeth from now on. You and your shitty friends. My team died for you."

"I only–"

"Isla Benon, Nadia Teron, Jacob Taten and Jon Stak." I yelled, their names raking up my throat like razors. "I will not have you squander their memory. They went out there, like every other Scout, just trying to claw back a bit of land for the entirety of humanity. For everyone. Hear me?"

"I'm s-sorry!"

"Damn right you are." I straightened up. "I'll not have you—"

I landed in a heap.

My ears rang and my cheek burned. I'd been thrown a few paces.

Ow.

Had my Captain got sick of my words? But no, he was still where I had been standing, his hand still hovering where my shoulder had been. Barely a second had passed. No, someone else hit me. And they had come from nowhere. I looked up into an enraged, bearded face, before a fist slammed into my head, and a foot lodged into my stomach. Somehow it didn't break through. I coughed and spluttered, about to roll, to fight back when I heard the man's broken voice and froze.

"You killed my Isla? My little girl!" Another kick. "She not coming home because of you?"

My Captain jolted into action. "Oi, take your hands off–"

"S-Sir." I held a hand out to my Captain, not looking at him. His rushing boots stopped.

The attack continued. But I couldn't fight back. Not that time.

I sat up, but stayed on my knees. The apology wouldn't leave my lips. Each word strangled me as I comprehend the unbridled grief and rage within the man before me. Isla's father slapped, kicked, hit me anywhere he could reach. He punished me for my failings, and my wide eyes just kept staring whilst blood dribbled from my nose and mouth. A father who loved his daughter. I didn't really know what that felt like. Had Isla known she was that loved? I hoped so. But as strange as the affection seemed, the grief was familiar. Carry on sir, destroy the monster who let your girl die. I glanced at the man I had previously berated, the one I threw into a puddle. He stared at me in fear. What kind of monster I must have seemed…

For years, I had hated Vincent for killing my mother and brother. Yet here I sat, having killed four people's children. I wasn't as bad as Vincent. I was so much worse.

Another kick cracked against my ribs.

Rushing boots approached. My Captain shoved Isla's father away, apparently having no more time for this nonsense. He made no other move, just stood in front of me. I tried to hear what he was saying to the man, but a ringing began in my ears. It was no use. His words were little more than thunder rolling around my head as I sagged forward and coughed blood all over the street.

Damn.

There was a lot.

Would Isla's father attack my Captain? No, the man wasn't an idiot, he likely knew who was talking to him. He backed away, rough sobs ripping from him as he spat towards me and then faded into the crowd. My Captain turned and knelt, his boot making a puddle ripple, mixing my blood with muddied water. His hand reached to cup my chin, but quickly retracted. Instead, he put his hands under my arms and lifted me up to set me over his horse. Like a rag doll I lolled this way and that. I lay there, facing the sky as the horse was led onward. Rain lessened, only a few droplets spattering against my upturned face. There was pain, but I refused to whimper, I had no right. Instead I sucked the bitter air in through blood caked lips.

I'm not doing very well, am I Keza? But at least I'm alive right?

Unlike the others…

I jolted awake.

I must have passed out; waking to the stink of chemicals and pale walls of the HQ infirmary. We must have kept going, passing through Trost instead of stopping to rest. Everything swirled, including the noises. Ignoring the pain in my torso, I sat up, shifting to prop myself against the head of the metal bed. Icy, but I took it as a means of grounding myself. Gradually my eyes adjusted. I took long breaths. The other beds were full, some cadets looked bruised, others were entirely encased in bandaging and casts. A few might not even make it, despite getting this far. Cadets walked around to check on friends or help the nurses. Chatter rose and fell. Comradery. Familiarity. Kindness.

I swallowed hard.

Beyond the infirmary were four empty bunks.

My hands felt filthy before I had even looked. Laid in my lap, blood dripped from them like water from taps. It just kept going. On and on. It pooled into the blankets, and would soon dribble onto the floor. Stop. Get off. I gritted my teeth, eyes already warming with pointless tears as I tried to wipe the filth onto my already sodden blanket but it just smeared further. Staining. Staring. Not budging. My hands were just as soaked as before. Dammit. It would take years to clean off. Would it ever even dry?

A figure appeared at the foot of my bed. Mike? He walked towards me, eyes bright as he gave a small nod and slightly nervous smile. How long had I slept? He seemed to be talking; his thin lips moved, making his moustache shift. His too-long hair shifted into his eyes as usual, until he brushed it back and stood straight. A frown creased his brows as I failed to respond to whatever it was he had said. Probably something kind, or something to distract me. My face was like a mask. But I didn't want to break it, there was no telling what would happen if I did. I'd probably start screaming. That would just be irksome for everyone, no need for such dramatics. People were healing, resting, sleeping.

Stay quiet little shit. Stop whining. No one needs to hear your noise.

I slowly blinked and nodded, with no concept of what Mike had said. But at least I had let him know I knew he was there. His lips parted again, but not for long. I think he realised that I didn't understand. So instead of talking, he stepped closer and put a hand on top of mine and squeezed. The tan of his skin against the pasty white of mine was stark. Blood oozed between his skin and mine. How could he stand it? It would get all over him, then he'd get it on his uniform, and then pass it along to someone else.

I looked awful.

I looked dead.

Dead.

D-Dead.

I flinched and the four cadets appeared; lined up round the bed, torn apart, steaming and decomposing. A sobbing noise spluttered out of my chapped lips. I clung to the bed sheets. No. No please, I didn't mean to do it, I didn't mean to let you down. My vision blurred. Heat simmered under my skin. Hot, angry tears poured down my mask. Shit. Make it stop. Make me stop. I slammed my hands against my head, pummelling my skull as I demanded answers.

Why wasn't I quicker?

Why didn't I plan better?

Why didn't they trust me?

Did they know I'd fail?

Of course they fucking did, you moron. Dammit Vincent, why didn't you just stop me when I was eight? So many fucking lives would've been saved from my wake.

Something pierced my arm.

I snarled, grabbed the syringe, and flung it across the room. Mike tried to get hold of me, to hold me down and make me stare at them, to make me watch as they crumbled to nothing. I couldn't Mike. I couldn't watch that. My cowardly self had to get out of there. I scrambled from the bed. Something screamed from my lips. Where the hell was I even going? Doesn't matter. I didn't get far. Whatever they injected me with worked fast. My face smacked off the wooden boards, my limbs felt full of water. I stared at my outstretched hand, pooling blood over the otherwise clean floor.

Blood was a bugger to clean.

My Captain would be pissed.

The shadows took me.

LEVI POV

Stood by the bed, the rest of the infirmary had calmed down again, gone back to whatever they were doing, and Levi didn't let his eyes waver. She lay there, looking small amongst the smoothed blankets. Her pale skin was barely a shade off the glaring white of the sheets, her hair like fresh blood against snow, her eyes shifting under dark lashes. The nurses had suggested binding her to the bed after her 'explosive' episode earlier, but Levi disagreed. If she was panicked enough when free, the damage she would end up doing to herself if bound would be far worse than a few woken patients and rumpled sheets. Yes, it had been worrying to hear her screeching, and see her slumped on the floor of the infirmary, sedated after she tried to make some mad dash for freedom. Not that anyone was caging. Not that she had anywhere really to go to. But that didn't matter. In that moment, as he came back into the infirmary, seeing her being scraped off the ground by a confused Mike, laid back on the bed and tucked in, Levi knew her mind was sinking into the darkest of places. He'd been there himself. Losses never got easier. But mixed with injuries and potentially an infection setting in, it was a perfect combination for manic confusion.

Mike stood next to him, hand over his mouth, deep frown in place. The big guy would be blaming himself, questioning something he had done to set her off. It would be nothing of the sort. Her own mind was doing this. Guilt. Regret. Self-loathing. Far more potent than any dressing down by a superior.

"One of us should stay nearby." Mike rumbled, fretfully running his fingers over his beard. "A nurse isn't going to know how to calm her down… Well… Other than drugging her again."

"Mm." Levi nodded, noting how the sheen of sweat against her skin had gotten worse in the past couple of minutes. Fever. A blush spread over her pale cheeks, and her breathing had picked up. "Agreed. I'll do it, I used to be her Squad Leader after all. I have a little experience with her post-mission issues."

"She looked so lost." Mike sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I just tried to keep it light, to let her know how her horse was doing, tell her Hanji had cleaned her gear but I'd made sure she hadn't tampered any further. But… I dunno that she heard a word."

Unable to take his eyes from her shifting red lips, Levi sighed. "Did she say anything?"

"A little. When she was…" Mike winced. "When she was hitting herself in the head. She said 'stupid rat', 'useless', 'why didn't he just end it back then?'. Not much of it made sense. But I guessed most of it was about her, though the last bit–"

"Her Father. That'll be who she meant, I'd guess."

"Mm, suppose so. Oh and 'Sanshi shit' was something else I think I heard her mutter. Sorry, it's not much use." Mike shook his head. "I hope she can come back from this."

"She will."

"No doubt, huh?"

"None."

Mike nodded. "Glad to hear it, I suppose I should be sorry about my own."

"Not at all." Levi shrugged. "It's fair enough to have concern for a fellow Scout, does you credit. I just know a stubborn ass when I see one, and she's likely the most stubborn I've ever seen."

"Are you complimenting her? I honestly can't tell."

Levi smirked. "Y'know how I like to keep you guessing, Mike."

Mike chuckled and moved off, patting Levi's shoulder as he went.

Levi settled down in the chair beside the bed and took a moment to let it sink in. She was back in HQ. Yes, she had pretty bad injuries, and no doubt the damage to her head would be beyond a concussion. It went deeper than that. The way she had muttered on the way through town, before she went to tell that shtithead civilian exactly what she thought of his crap. Her words, such hateful things she whispered about herself, so much venom directed at herself.

"You did this. You killed them. How the fuck else did you think it was going to go you fucking rat? He was right. He was always right. Should've died in that damned basement. Should have let him go further with his plans, who knows? Might've stopped all this. Might've saved them. Shit. God dammit. I'm sorry. Shit, I'm so sorry. Please. I'll try again, I'll make it better, please."

Along those lines, or that repeated. At first he tried to argue against it, to call back over his shoulder how wrong she was. But nothing got through. He wasn't even sure she was conscious until she pulled free of his grip and got off the horse. Maybe she hadn't been until that moment. He couldn't be sure, and he hated it. Normally, not being able to understand someone or read them was normal, to be expected. But with Robyn it drove him to distraction.

"Just what the hell is going on in there…" He murmured, eyes never leaving her form as she lay there struggling through whatever new nightmare her mind had conjured. They all had demons. Sanshi's were just very bloody persistent.

A few hours later, after several cups of tea and a scattering of panic attacks around the infirmary as Cadets came round from being knocked out on the mission, or coming to terms with the fact they no longer had their favourite foot, Levi heard the tell-tale stride of the Commander. No one else quite strode with that sense of 'I'm going to be a pain in the arse' like Erwin Smith.

Levi checked that Robyn was still soundly sleeping, set his tea aside and snapped his book shut, bookmark in place. Whatever Erwin needed, could wait. If it was paperwork, it could be brought to the infirmary. If it was patrol, Hanji had already offered to cover. If it was some stupid post-mission debrief, someone could take notes. Right now, he had to be Sanshi's Captain, or whatever she needed him to be, when she woke.

"Evening." Erwin stepped inside the curtain and pulled it closed behind him. "How is Sanshi fairing?"

"She's sleeping and occasionally drooling. Anything else?"

Unamused eyes landed on him. "How's she healing?"

"Like anyone else would be, get to the point if you have one." Levi rolled his eyes and straightened his cravat. "She's been asleep the whole time, has had her bandages redressed by nurses, and even given a bath at the same time. Nothing else has happened since she last woke."

"And nearly ran out of the building."

"We don't know that." Levi sat up straight. He knew Erwin had held reservations about Sanshi since the Vincent incident, but no soldier handled a team wipe well. Let alone one as passionate as Sanshi. Let alone one left as the sole survivor during a downpour storm. "She didn't hurt anyone. Something spooked her and she was trying to get away. Mike said himself, she looked lost. Not angry. Not–"

"All right, I see your point."

"And yet I still don't know yours." Levi stood and angled himself between the Commander and the bed. "You've seen my report?"

"I have." He nodded, cold blue eyes still honed on her sleeping form. "She was trying to resuscitate a torso without limbs."

Levi bared his teeth. "She was trying to save a comrade. Clinging to some thread of hope that no one else could understand."

Thread. The word was carefully chosen, and he watched it land in Erwin's mind and tug on old memories. Of his own moments of weakness. Of those times Erwin fell prey to the demons and drank a little too close to the bottom of a bottle. Threads. In the great tapestry of his time as commander, how many threads were soaked in blood? How much of his legacy as leader would just be a bloodied mess? If you wanted a melodramatic image, Erwin Smith was your man. Engaging at the time. Ludicrous as far as Levi was concerned. But easily remembered. And easily brought back up when needed.

Erwin closed his eyes. "We have to be careful, Levi."

"We have to give her a chance to heal, you mean."

"I understand that. But I have been doing some inquiring and–"

Levi put a hand to Erwin's arm and glanced at the curtain. "Perhaps I could accompany you back to your office?"

Erwin nodded and led the way. It wasn't clear as they left, but Levi knew that sound carried fairly well within that infirmary. No one would be listening on purpose, he was sure, but he knew how private Robyn was about her past. The last thing she would want would be Erwin revealing some kind of revelation for any nurse to pick up on the way past with a bedpan. In all honesty it surprised Levi Erwin had even been thinking of saying something so openly. Then again, the man didn't look like he had slept since they returned, and stubble littered his jawline. As usual, post mission, Erwin was taking a little while to get back into 'presentable' mode.

Levi would only be gone a few minutes.

The door clicked behind them.

Levi leaned against the bookcase beside it, having no intention to linger longer than necessary. "So, your inquiries?"

"Vincent Sanshi was often in the employ of the crown." Erwin stared out his window, watching cadets on patrol or something else in the courtyard no doubt. Hands clasped behind his back, lips in a thin line. Levi just waited for him to continue. "Whenever he wasn't there was a string of complaints and suggestions of him not being fit for duty. He was frequently called mad–"

"Employed to do what?"

"Research of some kind, it seems. There were rarely specifics. But that's hardly my point, Levi, the point is that these things can have a tendency to run in families. If her father was prone to moments of unhinged–"

"Bullshit." Levi snapped, stepping away from the bookcase, ignoring the affronted expression from his commander and friend. "Her father was a pig. Robyn might be a bit wayward but she's only that because of how passionate she is. You know that. You see it every damn day with Glasses and her research. So if this is some half-baked excuse to be rid of someone the higher ups are getting jumpy about, I'm not letting it happen."

"Robyn?"

The name hung there on Erwin's lips, his raised brow bringing a heat to Levi's face.

Levi pressed on, waving a hand, pacing. "Sanshi. Whatever. Just don't go robbing us of a good soldier because the higher ups are applying pressure. Since when do you give into their crap?"

"Since they bring up funding."

Levi stopped and turned. The last time the Council had threatened to waver funding, the Scouts had been on the verge of creating a new base beyond Maria. Weird timing. But notable as well. And just as before, instead of making the Scouts waver and lose focus, it only made them more intent to continue. Last time, they pressed on without funding. But the fall of Maria had soon followed and made the entire argument moot.

He approached Erwin's desk and leaned against it. If the Council was this concerned about a cadet in the ranks, it had to be more linked to whatever Vincent had been working on, than her. Levi shook his head. Her entire life had been upended by Vincent's bullshit. She had just freed herself of that. Or had thought she had. This couldn't be allowed.

"Why have they only begun to care now?"

"Possibly because they only took notice now? A murder does tend to turn a few heads, especially when you heard the words 'with her bare hands' being thrown around. They took note. And apparently weren't keen on the name being within the regiment."

"So… What they're suggesting she shouldn't serve?"

Erwin poured himself a drink and offered Levi one, which he promptly took and downed.

The brown liquid swirled in Erwin's glass. "They're suggesting we take stock of how much of a risk she poses. And in all honesty, I am gratified to find you as defensive of Sanshi as you were of Hanji when they tried to get a hold of her…"

Levi looked up from his empty glass. "Excuse me? You're praising my reaction?"

"Indeed. I had to see where you stood, and I am glad to see that it is in Sanshi's corner."

Levi set his glass down hard. "Why?"

"Why?" Erwin sipped. "Isn't that a good thing? I'm–"

"You do nothing without a purpose, Erwin. So spill it. Why do you want me on Sanshi's side."

"Ah, not 'Robyn', now?"

"Cut the shit."

Erwin chuckled and drained his glass, setting it beside Levi's. "When they came after Hanji, I knew she was as brilliant as I suspected. And I knew you were well and truly situated within our ranks, as you defended her like anyone would a friend. It was gratifying and encouraging. Before that I'd not been sure how dedicated you truly were to the Scouts."

"And so with Sanshi…"

"With Sanshi, the Higher Up's interest tells me that whatever her father had been working on, if he succeeded or not, is either something they wish to eventually pursue again, or something they want to cover up. Either way, intriguing. And either way, potentially more avenues to the truth of our world, don't you think?"

"Knowledge is power." Levi muttered, reciting the words as if they were Erwin's catchphrase. He clicked his tongue. "So you're keeping tabs yet again. Watching like Hanji watches her Titan pets."

"I'm simply seeing where we all stand, and informing you that a soldier within our ranks, is of interest to the higher-ups. We have reason to be cautious. And we have reason to keep her close. Whether she knows what it is about or not, clearly they think she's connected."

"Is that all?" Levi asked, headed towards the door. "Thanks for the information, I'll continue to keep an eye on her like I would anyone else, and you'll continue to treat her with the same kind of respect you would any other soldier, yes?"

"Of course. Why would I do anything else?"

Levi paused as he grabbed the door handle. "I don't pretend to fully understand your motivations, Erwin. I just like to double check they don't outright smell of shit."

"And in this instance?"

The door swung open and Levi glanced back. "Just a vague hint. For now."

Erwin poured himself another glass and raised it. "Glad you're keeping me right, Captain."

"Mm. Get some sleep, Commander."

Aaaand there we go! Hope you guys enjoyed! Thanks for reading, faving, following and reviewing when you get the chance. Cya in a week!