Hello! Another week, another update! Hope you're still enjoying ^-^

ROBYN POV

How much of that roof memory was real? The rain, the thunder, the cold stone and the pain all seemed tangible. But the Captain. My Captain. He spoke sternly, but with such warmth. Held me even. Carefully cupped my face, spoke against my hair. Had I just fallen into some mad delusion? Or had he really been that patient? And patient with what? Had I been speaking when still in my dreams? How the hell had I got to the roof?

All this and more ran around my head and I slowly opened my eyes to the waking world. Fuck that's bright. Morning sunshine washed into the infirmary, blinding against the white washed walls and high beamed ceiling. My body ached all over, most notably in my stomach. Maybe I had torn some stitches. Had I even had an injury in my belly? I couldn't recall.

"It wakes at long last."

A smirk pulled on my lips and I turned my head towards his voice.

My Captain sat with a book on his knee, tea held in that ridiculous fashion, eyes peering at me from over the rim of the cup. "Here was me thinking you'd decided to become part of the damn bed."

A slow sip. A quick glance over me. A small nod. The tea was set aside, and he leaned back in his chair to gesture to someone beyond the curtain. Then he looked back to me and snapped the book shut.

"How're you feeling? I'd venture 'rested' is at least somewhere in there."

"How long have I…" I stopped and cleared my throat, voice croaking past the dryness. "Been a while has it?"

"Four days."

"Shit…"

He tilted his head. "You don't remember waking up?"

"I remember being on the roof, I think?"

He shook his head and leaned on his knees, hands clasped, tiny red lines along the skin of his wrist and hand. "Yeah, that was over a week ago. You had the roof fever dream freak out, then we had to get you sorted from the threat of fucking pneumonia, and then you had surgery four days ago. Troublesome brat."

My cheeks burned. I pulled the blankets up to cover my face, as if I could just hide there and never be found. His eyes were steady, his lips barely moving at all. He was giving me nothing to work with. No clues. Nothing. Bugger knew what he was doing. He was enjoying this.

He shrugged. "However, technically you can't be blamed for how weird you went with the fever."

I raised a brow in question.

"Some clever surgeon left some bandaging in your wound and it was festering."

"Mm."

"Good thing you have such an active imagination really, as they had to go back in to double check after all your flailing around, and that was when they found the problem. He sends his apologies."

Both of my brows raised a brow at his tone. "Did you… kill him?"

"No, but he has been sent elsewhere. Once a Scout is left in pieces, they rarely get to come home, so we hardly need someone botching the damn patch jobs afterwards." He clicked his tongue and smirked again. "He got an earful from myself, the Commander, Mike and Hanji, so he may well still be rocking himself back and forth somewhere along the road to Trost."

I snorted and put my hands over my face. "I realise it's not just because it was me, but I appreciate being so valiantly defended. Any sign of fever since?"

"No, you've been healing pretty consistently since. A few spikes in temperature, but it seemed fine within a few hours. No more rooftop dances for you."

"Glad to hear it…" I gradually sat myself up, the deep ache in my stomach warning against much more than that. I scraped my hair back. I needed a damn shower. "Wasn't sure how real the roof was or not."

"Real enough." He sipped again as my cheeks burned. "Only I and Hanji saw you though."

I jolted, recalling my memories of him speaking warmly, even holding me. "Hanji was there?"

"Mm. I got quite the talking to." He set his tea down. "Though admittedly, mainly because I hadn't said anything to her directly. I kept it vague, but I think she gets the jist. She's pretty pissed at you as well, apparently she expects people to bring her gossip, despite how she rambles."

He seemed talkative. Maybe he missed me?

I bit my lip. "So she knows?"

He raised a brow. "Considering that I'm usually more adept at being near a horse than a human, yeah, she picked it up pretty easily that something had gone on between us." He sighed and loosened his cravat. "But she won't say a damn thing."

"Good." I breathed out, hardly expecting Hanji to be a blabbermouth, but I still didn't want Captain Levi landing in hot water due to any of this.

"But I do owe her a couple of nights of Titan Babysitting in exchange."

"Lucky you."

"You're helping."

I accepted the glass of water he held out. "I am? She made that part of the deal?"

"No, I fucking did. Partly your fault anyway." He shrugged.

I stuck my tongue out. "Bastard."

A smirk tugged on his lips. "Brat."

A nurse came rushing in a moment later, fussing and tsking at my Captain for being in the way. My pulse was checked, my temperature and then I was given a general check-up by a doctor who asked my Captain to wait beyond the curtain. Once freed of their pestering hands, I was allowed to dress in some civilian clothing, no point in donning a uniform when I could barely walk without assistance. I'd be monitored for the time being, but I could at least sleep in my own quarters if I preferred. Which I did.

My Captain tucked his book under his arm. "If you're in want of a shower, you can use my personal one if you like? It's been repaired now, figured you might prefer that to a communal one in your state."

My expression must have been openly pleased as he pursed his lips against a chuckle. He offered an arm and I accepted, hobbling my way out of the infirmary, the nurses not happy about it, but clearly picking up on my restlessness. I could recover in my own quarters well enough, though my Captain had to agree to monitoring me, along with others who would bring reports to the medical staff. All agreed, we headed along the corridors. A few people did double takes, but some seemed to be aimed at me being upright, and only a couple at the fact Captain Levi was aiding me walking. I peeked at his expression and it was as stony as it was impatient. A small twinge ran along my spine, worrying that it was annoying him, my lack of pace or something, but then I just stamped it down. He's playing the part. Stop buying into it.

Arriving at his quarters he set me down on the nearest chair, it seemingly to be mainly used for laying out the next day's uniform. He disappeared into a room to the side of his desk, and I took a moment to marvel. Sure, I had been inside his quarters in the Trost base, but it was a make-do situation there. This was like his home. His actual space to come to when alone, to recharge after a long day of enduring us 'brats'. I smiled as I drank in the details, it felt far more homely than I'd have expected.

Of course it was impeccably clean, the windows left slightly ajar on this pleasantly warm day. Light washed in; I guessed we were somewhere near the main doors, above them looking down. So much light. He didn't seem the type to be bothered about such things, but the pale curtains and open areas spoke otherwise. He seemed to prize open spaces and light. Interesting. The books sat on the edge of his desk seemed to be non-fiction, but a few were definitely fiction titles I had seen in the library. A reader. Some wine bottles sat on a shelf with candles stuck in the top, wax dribbling down over the green glass and labels. A small wooden box with a set of wings engraved on the side sat next to the candles, and something made me feel a little cold when I spotted it. Mementos of lost comrades, maybe?

"Done snooping?" He rumbled from the doorway, leaning against the threshold, keen eyes focused on me.

I stood up carefully and hobbled my way over, him gradually stepping out to help, but allowing me a few solo steps.

I smiled. "It's a nice space. Like the candles."

"Having run out of oil a couple too many times on a long night of paperwork, I like to have back ups available." He shrugged and led me through the bedroom towards another small door.

His bed was made, obviously, with the blankets pulled perfectly tight against the mattress. Not a crease in sight. More big windows, and more books on the bedside tables, and a small frame. I couldn't quite see what was in it, but as we went past, I think I saw the Scout's crest. Maybe two?

"Nosy." He tsked, leading me into the bathroom and setting me down on the closed toilet so he could check the already running water. "There, warmed up now. I've put a stool in there so you can sit down if you need to, don't collapse instead." He noted, drying his hand on the towel by the sink. "You uh… Need any help beyond that?"

"Think I'll be fine." I smiled and looked down at my lap. It still wasn't clear to me what had really happened on that roof, how much I had said or not said, how much I had done or not done. But clearly he had looked out for me. Brought me back from some kind of brink. So as he passed by, heading for the door, I reached out and clasped his wrist. "I… Thanks, by the way."

"For? It's just a shower."

"Nah… It's really not." I laughed breathlessly and let go, letting my hand fall against my lap. "Thanks, Levi. I mean it."

"Mm. Well… You're welcome. Now hurry up, or you'll waste all the hot water for us higher ranking officers."

I got up from the chair and pulled my jumper off as the door slowly closed. It snapped shut and I stripped down, leaving my clothes piled on the toilet, grateful to see a fresh towel waiting on the rack by the shower door. Wooden. Polished brass handle. Fancy. I assume they scavanaged it from somewhere, but they had done a good job regardless. I headed inside, the tiled flooring pleasant against my toes, and the water cascading over me. A breath rushed out of me, small stings of pain prickling where things hadn't quite healed, but mainly just in relief. Then of course, came the guilt. I pursed my lips and started scrubbing my hair. Don't. Stop it. My nails scraped against my scalp, and I kept my head down as I rinsed, the bubbles running along my back and shoulders, pooling between my toes. My eyes warmed. Stop it. It's just a shower, you're allowed to feel grateful for a damn shower, you're allowed to be glad to be alive.

You should have died! Not us!

The memory raged against the inside of my skull, and I pressed a hand to my lips to ensure no sounds escaped me. This was a kindness. A luxury. I shouldn't be tarnishing it with some guilt tripping. And yet… And yet. I swallowed hard and turned my face into the water, glad for it being so warm, avoiding any real association with rainfall. Too warm. Too constant. No. I was back on base, surgeons and nurses had tended to me, my Captain had watched over me, I had plenty of people here still to work for and with.

A sob escaped and I quickly washed the rest of my body, turning off the water as the last of the bubbles circled the drain. I watched them, water still dripping from the ends of my hair and nose.

You didn't kill your team. It was the Titans.

I sucked in a breath and looked towards the door. Levi had said that, hadn't he? Yes. And he made me say it in return, he even made me almost believe it. Somehow. I scraped back my hair, squeezing the water out as best I could before reaching for the towel. Something about those words from him, had rung so true. Had he had them said to him at some point? I wasn't sure if my Captain had lost an entire team before or not, but he had lost plenty. Everyone had.

Wait a damn second.

When did I start calling him 'my' Captain?

I shook my head, behind closed doors I could call him Levi anyway…

My face heated as I dried myself, being careful on my stitches and healing bruises. Then I stepped out and wrapped the towel round my head so I could get dressed. The clothes felt far better now, like I actually fitted into them. I sighed and wiped the mirror over the sink, gasping when seeing my reflection. Oh. Oh boy.

Pale, though currently flushed from the scrubbing and warmth, cheeks sunken and lips chapped. Charming. How could he resist? I snorted and shook my head, hardly the focus right now. I winced. How selfish was I? Already thinking of such frivolous things. Or was that allowed? I don't know. Maybe I should talk with Mike, see how he handled this stuff long term. He would help, I knew that.

A knock sounded at the door. "Tea?"

"P-Please!" I called, bracing against the sink as I focused on my breathing. Alive. Safely back at HQ. Deserved? I bit my lip, feeling how the skin moved under my tooth. Yeah. Bad habit. But the question remained. Then again, how could I answer that? Could anyone? I guess not.

I stepped out of the bathroom and headed through to the main room, a chair having appeared in front of his desk. I hobbled in that direction and sat down, glad of the rest, but still pleased I hadn't had to use the stool in the shower. As weak as I felt, that seemed like progress.

"Here." He held out a steaming cup, and I took it, breathing in the gentle scent. "Feeling more human?"

"Mm, thanks. How have things been while I've been laid up in bed?"

"Pretty standard." He sat in the chair opposite, on the other side of the desk, but with his cravat off and coat hung on the hook to the side, it still felt casual. "Patrols, debriefs, that sort of thing. Sente's parents have been kicking up a fuss about his incarceration, but the courts are taking their sweet time as usual. Not that we mind, he's well kept in his little cage. Shithead. But their letters are getting a bit tedious, admittedly."

Letters.

Condolence letters.

Shit.

I sipped my tea, wondering if he had spotted how my hands shook. "I uh… As a squad leader I should probably write to my teams–"

"Hanji took care of it for you." He dipped his head. "She's sorry if it was an over-step, but we weren't sure how long you would be out of commission and as Isla's father had already been… Well, unofficially informed, so time seemed like a pressing thing."

Isla's father.

Of course, the street.

I nodded, looking to the side as his pain-filled cries ran around my head.

Levi cleared his throat. "Not to labour the point but… exactly why did you stop me intervening sooner?"

I vaguely recalled holding my hand out to him when he tried to get Isla's father to stop, I also recalled being surprised that I was listened to. During my recovery, I'd clarified it was for my benefit instead of my Captains, but it made sense he wanted to understand fully. But the beating; the anger and fury from that man's fists and kicks, it had all seemed so justified at the time. It still did. Levi wouldn't want to hear that, but right now, after all his kindness, I didn't have the stomach to lie.

"Seemed like the right thing to do. The man deserved a little justice for his daughter."

Levi clicked his tongue. "That wasn't justice, it was sick."

"You never wanted to tear someone apart?" I raised a brow and tilted my head, his eyes glancing down at his tea. He had. It was loud and clear from his body language. He knew exactly what I meant. I nodded. "The man had just lost a kid he loved… I could allow him a few easy strikes. Has the uhm…" I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. "Has the funeral happened yet?"

"The Commander delayed it as long as he could, but when you went back into surgery, he had to press on."

"R-Right. Makes sense." I sipped again and cradled the tea close. "I'll have to go pay my respects soon."

"You won't be in a fit state to ride for a few more days at least. But a wagon can take you." He nodded and made a note in his ledger. Organised. "Do you remember what I said on the roof, by the way?"

"Mm? Oh… That I… That I didn't kill my team?"

He nodded.

I watched my tea ripple. "Y-Yeah I remember."

"Do you believe it yet?"

I took a long breath in, and it rattled out of me. "In all honesty, I'm not sure. I don't know what to believe right now. Feels weird to even be enjoying a shower or some tea."

"You can't stop existing because they died."

There was no harshness in his voice, nothing but a soft understanding. But even so, there was also no wriggle room. Nowhere for me to slot in my insecurities, my worries and doubts. No. I had not killed my team. That was what Levi wanted me to believe more than anything else. It was becoming clearer to me, with every quiet moment, every shared intimacy, that this man was in fact incredibly kind.

"Have you…" I forced the question out. "Have you lost an entire team before?"

"No, but I've lost people who were important to me." He clicked his tongue. "You'd be best off talking to Mike I think. He's got the experience and… Well he's better at talking about these things in general." He frowned and looked down for a moment. "Apologies."

I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped me. "Apologies? For what? You've already helped, I'm hardly expecting you to have all the answers."

"Mm."

"Really, this has been a big help already." I smiled and eased myself back in the chair. Beyond kind, it turned out he was also very sweet, and perhaps a little awkward. To be so concerned about not having the magic words to make it all better, it was downright adorable. Not that I'd say that much. "Though I would argue this is kind of blurring the lines of our 'fuck buddy' arrangement."

He smirked. "Hardly, it's just in the buddy column."

"Ah, is that right?"

"Indeed." He looked me over. "No way you're in shape for the Fuck part right now, you'd break."

I snorted and shook my head, a hand held up in surrender. "I'd say 'challenge accepted' but considering the fact I could barely walk from one end of this room to the other… I'll accept defeat for now."

"For now?" He tilted his head. "That mean there's perhaps a 'later' hinted at?"

I pursed my lips and shrugged, well aware of how pink my damned cheeks would still be thanks to the shower and now a blush. "I'd like to think so, as long as you're still wanting that."

He sipped his tea. "I think I could be persuaded."

Two days later, I knocked on the Commander's door and found myself holding my breath. Why was I so nervous? The worst thing that could happen, would be that he would say 'no'. That wasn't so bad. It didn't help my progress, but as long as he didn't forbid me going further with it – which I couldn't think why he would – things would be fine. Why would he forbid it? That made no bloody sense. Stop overthinking and jus–

"Come in."

Even so, my hand trembled as I reached for the door handle. Ridiculous. Just go in and ask the man. Simple. I shook myself down and headed inside, closing it behind me and dipping my head once the Commander had looked to see who was darkening his doorway. When he realised it was me, he stopped scribbling and sat up, gesturing to the seat in front of his desk. I was glad to not be kept waiting, but I wasn't sure why he was that quick to react. Then again, I couldn't be certain how much he had been told or not about my roof dalliance. For now I'd put it down to kindness.

I sat down, easing myself into the seat as my stomach continued to mildly object to bending.

"How is the recovery?" He asked, folding his hands under his chin. "The doctors have said you're making decent progress."

"Didn't know I was being monitored by you too." I chuckled, but as his face sobered I held up a hand. "Just kidding sir, sorry. I'm doing all right thanks, getting around the place, though too slowly for Captain Levi's liking. He says I shuffle my feet."

"He's a very particular man." The Commander raised a brow and smirked.

"Well there's an understatement." We shared a small smile. "The waggon trip to the graveyard was a little rough, but I'm still glad I managed to go."

His smile faded. "So you were able to pay your respects. I'm glad. Though I do apologise you weren't able to attend–"

"You waited as long as you could, sir. It was very good of you to try." I nodded. "In all honesty, I don't know that I'd have felt comfortable going when the families did anyway… Would have felt like I was intruding."

He nodded and looked to the side. "That is a sentiment I can certainly understand."

I'm sure he could. It wasn't something I had ever managed to fully appreciate until now, and even now I'm sure I fell short, but it hurt differently having been the leader of someone who had fallen in battle. To be the person that gave those orders. That took them beyond the walls and gates and supposed safety. It set those gravestones heavy on your shoulders. I'd always considered Commander Erwin a strong man, but feeling those four stones upon my shoulders, I could barely imagine the weight pressing down on him.

He smoothed back his hair. "So then, what have you come to speak to me about?"

"Well sir, I was hoping to try and find someone."

His brows raised. "Oh? An old friend?"

"You sound hopeful." I snorted. "Yes, don't worry I'm not tracking down some old enemy or anything. It's a friend from my past, a girl I grew up with on the streets."

"Ah. I see, the streets of…?"

"Shiganshina."

He stopped taking notes, glancing up with eyes bright with intrigue. In the aftermath of Maria, that small town no one thought of had suddenly become integral hadn't it? Weird. The first point of contact with the Titan horde's invasion. Yup. The name stuck in a lot of people's minds, especially those in the military.

He finished his note and sat back. "I was unaware that you had lived there."

"Born and bred, sir. After the uh… Well after my Mother passed and I was on the streets, I decided to stay somewhere I at least knew where I was going, so yeah… I stayed put. Until I couldn't."

"Were you there when–"

"N-No." I shook my head and cleared my throat. "When Maria fell, I'd been travelling with my friend, sir. She wanted to head for the interior, and I was helping her get settled in, I was on my way back when things went to shit."

"What the hell are you even going back to Shiganshina for? There's nothing there! Nothing but ghosts!" Keza snapped as we finished unpacking her stuff into her new place, one of many rooms above some seedy bar. But she had made her choice, and I could respect that. Seemed it didn't quite go both ways.

"I dunno, but I can't stay here, can I? No job, no staying permit."

"You could have a job in a second." She snapped her fingers. "You know that."

"And you know I don't want this type of job. I respect you for doing it, but I can't. You do you, and I'll do me." I sighed and pulled her into a tight hug. "I'll figure it out."

"Y'mean you're still thinking about the damn military?"

"It's one possibility." I murmured, hugging tighter.

She grumbled, finally hugging me back. "I'm gonna miss you Numbnuts."

"Miss you too."

"Just don't get killed out there, like a dumbass."

"I'll do my best. You look after yourself here as well. Not that the interior twits are going to know what hit them if they try and get handsy with you."

She laughed against my shoulder and kissed my cheek. "Damn right. Love you, Robyn."

"Love you, Keza."

Had I been any quicker getting back, I might've been caught up in the bloodied mess. As it was, I was riding my horse along the riverbank, just seeing the gate coming into view when I realised there was smoke rising in the distance. And then I started to see folks running past, dragging their children along, carrying others, screaming. My horse grew restless. And then the horrible sound of thunder erupted by the gate. Debris rained down on the fields within Maria. A few smaller pieces even made it as far out as I was, just having come out from the foot of the mountain. I'd been transfixed. A huge Titan, covered in some kind of bone armour, with glowing eyes, had burst right through the inner gate. And then the others poured in, as mindless and grinning as always. I'd only seen them a few times, peering over the top of the wall with Keza, but nothing had prepared me for that moment of sinking fear.

And then my argument with Keza was a moot point. Shiganshina couldn't be returned to. Maria couldn't be returned to. I turned my horse and rode after a man I'd seen fleeing with his wife and kids, the little ones barely keeping up with his frantic pace. I called out to them, handed them my horse and started walking. Where the sudden act of kindness had come from, I didn't know back then, and I still didn't now. I guess I just wanted to offer help however I could, and as the world crumbled, that was about as good as it got.

"So your father's work…" The Commander broke into my reverie. "It was done in Shiganshina?"

I blinked. "Uh, yeah, I guess. Why?"

"There's been a few inquiries from further up the chain, that's all. I've kept any prying eyes at bay though."

"Oh… I see." I frowned. "Sorry if it's causing you headaches, sir. I'm not sure why they'd be interested."

"Mm, good to know. If you think of anything, do let me know, Sanshi."

"Yes, sir."

"Now then, apologies, I rather derailed your inquiry. This friend from Shiganshina, their name?"

"Keza." I winced. "I'm afraid I don't have a family name for her. She never gave me one. She's my age, my height and general build, long brown hair with three freckles under her right eye. Brown eyes and essentially the type of beauty that makes double takes occur wherever she goes." I chuckled and shook my head. "Started working at the uhm… The Sword and Shield bar in Stohess the uh… Well the day before Maria fell. Easy date to remember." I scratched the back of my head. "Is that going to be of any help?"

"The bar is likely where it is easiest to start. I can make some enquiries, I have a few contacts in those areas. Shall I send it with the clear intention of Robyn Sanshi is looking?"

"Please." I nodded. "No reason to be cloak and dagger about it."

"Even easier." He took another note and then sat back. "May I ask why you're looking for this friend now?"

"I'm not sure, sir. I think in light of recent… events, I'm just keen to rebuild some old bridges. And just… I just want to know how she's been doing."

"Fair enough. I'll see what I can do."

I got up from the seat and saluted. "Thank you, sir."

"Least I can do for a Scout, Sanshi. Carry on."

All right Keza… Maybe see you soon. Hopefully. I could do with one of your hugs…

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