Here we are! Another Friday another update! Hope you're still enjoying reading, I'm certainly enjoying writing it!

On the far side of HQ's grounds, we sat beneath some canvases stretched between posts, a fire crackled in the middle of the area, and our Titan subject was constrained a few metres away, bathed in moonlight. One of Hanji's ongoing theories was that photosynthesis was a means of the beasts gaining or losing energy. Her quil scratched against her parchment at the slightest twitch of the beast. I smirked and set a fresh pot of water on to heat. Hanji had no gear on, allowing her easier movement and to avoid us all losing our minds with her endless clanking around as she darted about to check different parts of the beast. Myself, Captain Levi, Eld, Petra and Mike, all sat with gear at the ready, just in case. Several taller trees were nearby for good launching spots, and if anything did go awry, the Titan would be killed in seconds. Though admittedly I did find it slightly overkill that we had Humanity's Strongest, and the man who used to be Humanity's Strongest, along with Eld, one of the Captain's favoured Scouts all on duty. Then there was me, but that's besides the point.

"Oh! Did anyone hear that?" Hanji jolted looking towards her latest pet with leering curiosity.

I smirked. "I think that was Mike's stomach."

"Sorry." He rumbled, looking away to attempt a discreet burp. He failed.

Hanji sighed and went back to her notes. Thunder rolled in a far off valley, but rainfall wouldn't stop our long night, that was what the canvases were for. Apparently there was just as much to learn about the Titans in rainfall, as there was in moonlight. Hanji knew what she was doing, so I trusted her. Captain Levi had little patience for it, but he did concede that the more we learned about the enemy, the more likely it was that we brought folks home alive.

It had been another two weeks since I'd woken after my fevers and surgeries, and finally I was able to mainly move around without any pain. The odd twinge still caught me, and horse-riding was still something I had to ease back into. But I could at least do minimal training, and keep my body in shape. The last thing I needed was to become a slow-poke.

I had been to visit the graves of my team the day before again. Typically, it had been raining, and a few families had been milling around the graveyard. But thankfully none of my team's families were present. At least, as far as I knew. They may have spotted me and wanted to avoid the one who kille–

I stopped myself.

I drew in a ten second breath, then released it for another ten.

It was exactly that kind of thinking I was meant to be moving away from. Not only had my Captain been incredibly kind when I first woke up, but the others as well. Petra had been checking in with me as often as she could, going on patrols with me, and helping me get back into training. Mike had endured many long talks with my foolish self, letting me vent my confusions and guilts into the open air. He never dismissed them either. He listened, took them in, then showed how he had dealt with similar things and moved past in his own way. Not entirely. He warned that these things never fully went away. Kind of like a recurring injury. But a small part of me was glad. I didn't want to entirely forget my team, their memory was important, as were the lessons their loss had taught.

But standing at the graves, there had been this strange sense of peace. Like the fight was a million miles away, nowhere near that small patch of maintained grass and white stones bearing names. The fight wasn't here. It wouldn't touch those grounds. They could rest. They could heal. So perhaps, so could I. My own flowers sat next to fresh ones presumably laid down by family, or loved ones, and as I laid my hand to the white stone bearing their names, a warmth crept through me. I'm not one to buy into the idea of ghosts, but for those few moments, my tears turned happy and I dared to hope they had at least managed to find some kind of solace. So now I had to do the same. Because I had to keep moving. Keep fighting. Keep trying to make it worthwhile.

The kettle whined and I set the tea to brew.

Petra yawned. "How was your timing today, Robyn?"

"Not bad, almost back to my best. Eld and Gunter gave me a good run for my money for once." I winked at Eld and he shook his head, kneading his hand where he had got a manoeuvre wrong with one of his anchors. "Won't be long before I'm pretty much back to normal I reckon."

"That's decent progress." Mike stirred the tea. "Knew it wouldn't take you long, but it's only been a couple of weeks. Not pushing yourself too hard, are you?"

Captain Levi clicked his tongue. "I'm keeping an eye on things."

"Of course." Mike nodded, flashing me an odd look of knowing. Had Hanji blabbed? Or had Mike simply picked up on things?

In the past couple of weeks, nothing else had really happened between me and my Captain. Between my ongoing recovery, and my ongoing guilt, it hadn't really been a focus of mine. How could I justify seeking simple pleasures when I had kill– Stop it. But that was just it. My brain still went to those threads of thought so easily. It would ease, I knew that, but it hadn't happened yet where I felt justified in much beyond duty. How much it bothered my Captain or not I couldn't be sure. Impatience, I assumed. But I also got a sense of his understanding. He'd never rush me into things, hell, he'd likely accept it outright if I said we wouldn't ever cross those lines again.

"He's falling asleep." Hanji sighed and came closer to the fire, setting her notes aside. "I'll wait a couple of hours and when he's been motionless for at least three, we can see if it's possible to wake them up accidentally, or..." She sniffed. "Purposefully."

Captain Levi rolled his eyes. "As long as you don't start screeching."

"It's hard not to!" She snapped. "It's so painful to watch."

"You'll wake the whole HQ with your bawling, so either shut it or go elsewhere at the time." He shook his head and accepted the cup of tea from Petra. "We don't need an entire day of training gone out the window because you didn't have the nerve to keep quiet."

Hanji grumbled into her tea.

The hours rolled by, but we had to keep resetting the timer whenever the subject moved, or twitched. Hanji wanted it entirely motionless for a solid three hours before we tested. Though of course, if we never got that, it was a result in itself.

I found it all fascinating to be honest. Mainly because Hanji was willing to wait and see, not force results like I always recalled Vincent doing. The specifics of his work continued to elude my memory, but phrases like 'I will make this work', and 'these things will bend to my will, dammit!', were common in our house, grumbled from the basement.

A shiver ran through me and I sat up to get some more tea.

"Your Father was kind of a scientist, wasn't he, Robyn?" Hanji asked, as if she had been reading my mind. I poured my cup and nodded, offering the others at the same time. "What stuff did he actually study?"

"I uh…" I returned to my seat, well aware of how the eyes of everyone else were trained on me. "I don't really remember. Sometimes he would just lock himself away in the basement for days on end, other times I… I think he took me down there with him. But I don't remember much beyond the uh… Horrible stuff."

Whether that was because I hadn't paid attention, or had blocked it out, I couldn't be sure.

"Interesting." Hanji mused, tapping her lip with the end of her quill and as usual leaving a black splot behind. "I assumed you were more involved than that."

I jolted. "W-Why?"

"The marks on your back."

Oh. I blushed and looked down, the rest of the group growing tense. It was fine, I knew Hanji's innate curiosity sometimes got the better of her, made her lose track of people's boundaries. It was part of her charm, really. Plus, it wasn't like they were ever very well hidden – we used communal showers. At some point they had all likely seen the markings, whether they meant to look or not.

"I was little more than an experiment really. He didn't uh… Didn't discuss stuff with me as far as I remember. In all honesty all I really recall is some pain, the dark, and the weird smell of the basement. Chemicals, that kind of thing. And a table." I scratched over my shoulder. "He was insane, that's the main thing I recall."

"Mm. I suppose so. If you ever recall though, do–"

"Glasses." Captain Levi snapped, gesturing to the test subject. "Think it just moved a hand."

"Really?" She gasped, spinning and darting back over to see for herself.

Petra nudged my shoulder. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, she's just curious. Makes sense. Vincent was involved with nobles, clearly had weird interests, and was protected from execution. No wonder she's interested." I scraped my hair back, redoing my braid. "I'm a patchwork of my past sometimes, and she's a quick study. I'm not going to admonish her for wanting answers."

Captain Levi shook his head.. "Doesn't need to be such an ass about it though."

"I think the same could be said of plenty of us." I smirked and he rolled his eyes, returning to his tea.

Mike shifted his weight, eyes focused on the campfire, but mouth pressed into a thin line. Either he needed to burp again really badly, or he had something he wanted to say. I cleared my throat, caught his eyes and tilted my head in silent question.

He clasped his hands. "I was curious about something from the report on what happened on the mission."

"Go ahead." I nodded, despite how the coldness crept into my stomach. But I wanted everyone to feel they could talk to me about these things, after all, if I made it a forbidden subject then it just made it loom over the whole regiment. If it wasn't something to be ashamed of, I couldn't refuse to talk.

He nodded. "All right. Well… In the additional notes on what happened, a phrase was used, apparently by yourself when divulging details on the uhm… the roof?"

Again, I nodded, grip tightening slightly on my mug of tea.

"Well, it's been recurring to me recently. And with the way I see the guilt still being a bit of an issue for you, I wondered if we might discuss it." He sniffed. "Something about your team outrunning you?"

My mouth went dry. I coughed, sipping my tea as the imagery slammed into the backs of my eyelids. They just had to outrun me. I had been told by my Captain that there had been a few extra details revealed thanks to my fever dream, and they had been added to the report since, but I hadn't asked specifically what. I suppose it made sense that this detail would return to me at such a time, when my mind was reeling with weird details. Their faces, so terrified and openly hysterical. Children. That had been what they were in those moments, scared children thinking of reaching home and nothing else. And yet, the details would only paint them in a bad light. And that didn't seem fair. Sure, they had been reduced to scared children, but so had many Scouts. I didn't want them blamed for being human.

"Sanshi?" Captain Levi encouraged, his grey eyes reflecting the light of the campfire, but the prying look turned his gaze cold.

Eventually, I suppose, these details may have been clarified further. Perhaps my friends and superiors had been waiting for the right time to ask. Perhaps Mike considered this that moment. It made sense. The more details, the more understanding could be had of what went wrong. And yet, the words stuck in my throat. Shivering set into my frame.

I clasped the tea tight. "It wasn't part of why things went wrong, it was just a side-effect that they had. Nothing to do with my guilt."

Captain Levi narrowed his eyes. "Not what he asked."

Petra laid her hand on my arm. "The report said you spoke of them trying to help you do the right thing. We've all been wondering Robyn, what does that mean? Your gear wasn't on you either."

I pursed my lips. This wasn't how I wanted either Nadia or Isla remembered. It wasn't fair to them, to all that they had done and accomplished as Scouts. I shook my head and stared down at the tea leaves gathered in the bottom of my mug.

Eld cleared his throat. "There's an old saying, right? You don't need to outrun the bear, just the person behind you."

I shuddered.

Mike leaned forward. "Your team wanted you to distract the Titan, right? Use yourself as bait so–"

"I wanted it." I snapped, shaking my head. "This wasn't all them. They just… They just helped me see… I…" I struggled to catch a full breath. "This doesn't matter. It really doesn't."

Petra squeezed my arm. "I think it might, Robyn. You're trembling."

"It's hardly a pleasant thing to look back on." I gritted my teeth. "That's all."

"Bullshit." Captain Levi glared. "They kicked off your gear, didn't they?"

My silence spoke volumes. Dammit.

He continued. "They used you to buy themselves time to escape. Right?"

"It's not that simple." I whispered, letting Petra pull me into a side hug. "This doesn't change the fact they were good soldiers. They served well. We were a good team–"

"Until it mattered." He snapped, and Mike held up a hand when I sat up. I knew why my Captain was being like this. He wanted it to be the means of fixing my guilt, of freeing me from it. But I couldn't have their names tarnished like that. As if they were nothing but villains.

Mike looked at me imploringly. "I asked because… Well in all honesty, if you don't blame your team for those actions, how can you blame yourself for simply leading them? You made judgement calls, and as far as anyone else who has seen that report and the summary of the field, you made the right calls. Luck simply wasn't on your side. It's a shitty conclusion, but it's the same one I got when I lost those newbies. Fate just fancied kicking me in the teeth that day."

My mouth had opened, ready to retort, to say how it wasn't the same thing, anything like that. But it closed. Words failed me.

Petra pulled me back into the hug. "Why don't you blame them, Robyn?"

"They were just kids." I put my head in my hands. "That's all they were. They didn't kick off my gear, their fear did, they didn't call me a murderer, their fear did. It… I-It wasn't them. Not the real them. I…" I looked towards my Captain and found him looking confused. Genuinely lost. Did I just sound crazy?

I swallowed hard and looked at my hands, still very stained in the blood of my comrades, but at least no longer dripping. They would never be fully clean. But then again, I guess no Scout would ever be fully healed either.

My voice was thick, but I forced the words into the open. "If you hate them for becoming nothing but scared children in that hell, then I guess you also have to hate me."

They all jolted.

My Captain glared. "What do you mean?"

"If you're tarnishing their whole lives for one moment of madness, then go ahead and do it to me as well. I killed a man recently, because I gave into a moment like that. You saw me do it, Mike and Eld had to hold me back from doing worse. My fear might have turned out in the 'fight' impulse instead of 'flight' but it was the same root… So don't pretend like I haven't–"

"That's not the same." My Captain shook his head.

"No?" I laughed. "Go on, how're you accomplishing those moral acrobatics?"

My Captain looked towards the flames. "They abandoned a comrade on the field, used their leader as fodder for their own escape despite how hard you were fighting to keep them safe. That's not the same as you finally getting revenge on the man that tormented you and your family for your entire life, and left you to be on the streets, and did fuck knows what to you in that basement."

"But if you boil it right down, it was still just fear ruling me." I whispered and he looked utterly disgusted at the idea. Was that because he was disgusted by my fear? Or the suggestion I could give into that kind of thing? I had no idea. I likely never would. My eyes grew warm but I blinked back the tears. "It would be easy to hate them, sure. But as far as I'm concerned, I can't do that without being a total hypocrite."

For a moment, he looked ready to argue some more, to snap and bark back at my logic.

Then he just clicked his tongue and calmed. "Fine." He sighed. "So don't hate them, but at least accept that they were flawed humans. Messy, moronic, humans."

Damn. He got me there, with my own words.

I frowned. "I know they were just human. That doesn't make their loss any–"

"No, of course not. But the way you've talked about them since they passed, has been like they were perfect somehow. That they were above reproach in every way, simply because they died on the field. Turning them into angels is also warping their memory, isn't it?"

"I…" My heart thundered. "I didn't realise that was what I was doing."

Mike hummed. "Only so far as anyone else has done the same thing when losing a team. Some of those kids I lost were total brats. Lazy bastards at times. But we all are, on some days. We don't need to be perfect in order to be worth mourning. And if they're allowed to be imperfect and cause that kind of madness and pain on the field, then you're allowed to be that imperfect and sometimes not be able to bring people home."

Well… Shit.

I tapped my nails against my mug. "So, you all just happened to have the same thought on this right now?" I eyed them all and they looked elsewhere. "I was brought onto this Titan Babysitting mission for this intervention, wasn't I?"

Mike winked. "Maybe."

Despite the ambush, I had to give credit where it was due, they had hoodwinked me entirely. Caught me off guard. Hell, they might have even managed to get through my thick skull.

I smirked. "Sneaky shits."

Eld laughed. "Oh because you're so easy to persuade into talking openly otherwise, aren't you?"

Heat ran along my cheeks. "Dunno what you mean."

Petra nudged me. "You're a stubborn ass."

We laughed together, and my Captain almost smirked. His eyes lingered on me a little and I gave a small nod. I wasn't angry with him, not really. My defensiveness came from a knee-jerk reaction. It was easier to make myself the villain, than consider it all a random happenstance of the world. Our cruel world that sometimes we simply couldn't out-think or out-run. A shitty conclusion indeed.

Hanji appeared from behind her test subject. "Patrol time!"

I got up at the same time as my Captain, us both apparently needing a bit of a breather and a moment to stretch out legs. As I checked my gear, and he did the same, I did not miss the look that passed between Hanji and Mike. God dammit. At least Eld and Petra seemed unaware of anything going on, them now laughing about something Gunter had done that morning with his toast.

Captain Levi and I headed into the trees, walking side by side, the quiet soon enveloping us as the campfire was left behind and our path was only lit by moonlight.

We reached a quarter of the way round the perimeter when he brushed his hand against mine, and we paused. He looked back, as if expecting to have been followed. Though no doubt he had seen the looks from Mike and Hanji as well. I did the same, but we were utterly alone.

Levi sighed. "I took that too far."

"Oh… uh…" I looked down and scuffed the ground with my boot. He didn't need to give me any kind of special treatment, surely he knew that? "It's fine. You were just trying to help like the others."

"Yeah, but I didn't need to make it sound like you were doing something wrong." He stepped closer and took one of my hands in his, fingers almost lacing together before he dropped it again. "I shouldn't have done that. Not fair of me."

"I appreciate that, but seriously it's fine. I needed the wake up call."

"Stop making excuses for my shitty behaviour." He grumbled, looking at me harder now, eyes peering deeper into me than before. "I'm sorry."

I stepped closer as well and leaned in. "All right, apology accepted."

He raised a brow but didn't move otherwise. I leaned closer. He swallowed hard. I raised a brow and he gave the tiniest nod before I closed the gap and kissed him chastely. At least, that was my intention. Our lips touched, warm, soft, alive. My chaste intentions melted. More. Warmth radiated over me from where our lips met, and my hand automatically threaded into his hair, his hand doing the same with mine, angling my head and deepening the kiss. He tasted of tea.

"Fuck." I panted, breaking the kiss and bracing my hands against his chest. His fingers were still in my hair, his hand gripping my hip so tight it might have been painful if it weren't for the fizzing promise of more, making me lean in. "Good thing I wasn't really mad at you."

"What do you mean?" He breathed, eyes not shifting from my lips for a second, his face caught partially in the moonlight, casting across his eyes and his mouth.

"Because I'm pretty sure it would be impossible to stay mad at anyone after a kiss like that." I laughed, biting my lip, noting how his eyes narrowed when I did.

"Something to keep in mind, maybe." He hummed, looking at me properly for a moment. His eyes looked silver in that light, close enough that I could see the darker shades merge with the lighter ones. And those tiny flecks of blue.

"Mm," I smirked. "Though don't go pushing your luck."

"Wouldn't dream of it." He pulled me into a fresh kiss and I wished this damned gear might just disappear. His kiss moved down my throat, walking us backwards so he could press me against a tree. Our gear clunked together. "Why the change?" He breathed against the hollow of my throat.

"Consider your intervention a success." I sighed, and as he raised his head I put my forehead to his and he let me be still for a moment. "My team isn't going to be brought back by me stopping myself from living…"

"Mm." His hands settled on my hip, squeezing tight, thumb pressing against my hip bone. "Glad to have you back, Robyn."

"Mm, glad to be back, Levi."

He smirked and I dipped into another kiss, threading my fingers into his hair as our tongues danced.

My arms wound round his neck, holding tight as he pressed me harder against the tree. Even so, not hard enough. I could barely wriggle, but being pressed between the knotted trunk and his chiselled body, it was hardly a place I felt like leaving quickly. Every inch of him was carved from marble, I swear. Then he worked his knee between my legs. Fuck. I groaned into his mouth. A smirk pulled against his lips, I could feel it as the kiss deepened. Like he had won. Two could play that game. I let one arm drop, snaking it between us and palming him through his trousers. He was rock hard under my touch, shuddering as I gave a long, slow, knead.

He growled. "Watch it, Brat."

"Mm?" I hummed coyly, leaning back and tilting my head. Another squeeze. "You started it."

"You kissed me."

I ground myself against his leg, well aware of how hard I shivered. "Not what I meant."

He swallowed hard, eyes drawn to where I worked myself against him and he drew in a long breath. "We should stop."

"Mm, not exactly what's meant to be done on a patrol, right?"

"Right." He cleared his throat, gave a hard press of his knee and kissed me one last time, sealing it with a nip of his teeth against my bottom lip. I can't deny, I whimpered. What? The man knew what he was damn well doing. As we parted he touched his nose to mine and raised a brow. "Once this Titan Babysitting crap is done with, meet me at my quarters?"

"Sounds good."

"Perfect." He breathed, stepping back, straightening himself out and continuing with the patrol.

It took me a few moments to follow suit, well aware of how his stride had changed slightly, no doubt a little inhibited by the fact he had less room in his trousers.

When I failed to immediately follow he stopped and looked over his shoulder, smug smirk beaming back at me. "C'mon Sanshi, keep it together."

Ta dah! Robyn is well on the way to some recovery, even if that doesn't mean a clean slate. Cya in a week! Thanks for reading, faving, following and leaving reviews when you can folks. Love to see how people are finding the story. ^-^