Another Friday, another update! Enjoy!

The table was cold. Why was it always so cold? Maybe he wanted it that way, kept me alert, stopped me being able to accidentally fall asleep, or heavens forbid, relax. No. Stay awake little rat. Focus. We have work to do, and I won't let you ruin it. Stop babbling. Stay quiet. The wood had begun to splinter where my hands rested, but I supposed that was my own fault really as I'd caused that with all my fidgeting and struggling. He said not to move. He said to just lay there and finally make myself worthwhile. So the splinters were my fault. The way they dug into my palms and caused those angry red welts, were my fault. I had no one to blame but myself. Leather straps pinched at my wrists and chilled my ankles, the buckles had begun to rust on the side of the table facing away from the small fireplace. No point in mentioning it though. He'd only make it worse somehow. No. Bite your tongue. Smile and nod.

"You need to turn over today, Rat."

Damn it. Those days were always the worst. Splinters dug into my chin, and my body ached as I lay on the flat wooden slats, the leather straps being redone and tightened as he peeled away my top and exposed the canvas of my back. How much of it had he covered in those weird symbols already? I had no idea. All I knew was the smell of the damp wood under my nose, and then the rusted tang of blood as he began to cut or brand. I hadn't seen any instruments near the fire that morning. Presumably today was for–

Slice.

Sliiice.

Sliiiice.

Whimpers burned at the base of my throat, and I curled my hands into fists. Small pinches appeared where my nails dug into my palms, and I shuddered. Stay still. Stay quiet. If you move, if you mess this up, he'd punish them instead of you. Don't make mother pay for your weakness, don't make John suffer for your failings. It's all for the work. To keep the family going, to please the nobles, to finally find an answer to this mess.

Slice.

Sliiice.

Sliii–

I jolted awake and stared at the roof of the four-poster bed.

A cold sweat clung to my body, and as I lay there rigid in clean sheets, I felt an itch in my throat. Had I been speaking aloud? I swallowed hard, coughing lightly as it caught and struggled down my throat. No movement came from my right. Presumably I hadn't woken Levi. I breathed deep and chanced a peek in his direction. Deeply asleep. He lay there, same as before, with his arms tucked under the pillow, dark hair falling across his face. Serene. Calm. None-the-wiser. Perfect.

The breath left me slowly and I put a hand to my chest, the thunder of my heart deafening to me inside my head, but thankfully inaudible beyond. My back itched. My eyes warmed. No. Don't start that nonsense. You're fine, everything was fine, it was just old memories being dragged up by the Titan Babysitting. Nothing else. Just breathe.

I was finally starting to feel strong enough to be put back into active duty, the last thing I needed to be doing now was freaking out over a damn nightmare like a deranged toddler.

Rolling to the side, I sought out a clock to see how ridiculously early I'd woken up, but my attention was dragged elsewhere. The frame. Two Scout patches sat in a small wooden frame, meticulously polished, the patches well preserved, but a little worse for wear all the same. Used patches, for sure. I reached and traced along the woodgrain, not daring to mar the glass with a fingerprint.

I wondered who they were, how he had known them, why he had lost them. A similar mistake to my own? Had he gotten attached at the wrong time? The story of how Humanity's Strongest came to be in the Scouts was rather shrouded in mystery. Some claimed he was an unwanted nobleman's son, discarded and disowned due to a scandalous affair that led to his birth. Others said he had been some kind of high-roller in the Underground city, a criminal brought to heel by the Commander himself. Some said he was just a bit of a loner and no one knew where the hell he came from, nor why he didn't have a last name.

In a way, I supposed the Scouts was a bit of a collecting pen for the weirdos of this world. Those that didn't quite fit within the walls, those who wanted to colour outside the lines and see what the horizon could bring, even if only a little more space to breathe.

I snorted and sat up, scraping my hair back. My mind was running a mile a minute, I guess, no point in trying to continue to sleep now. I shuffled back and propped myself against the headboard, finding my eyes encouraged back towards that frame over and over. Perhaps I should have tried to get some of my team's patches before we left? Then again, I guess I was in no state to make that kind of decision at the time. I tried to resuscitate a torso. My cheeks warmed next and I started to braid my hair to the side, giving my trembling hands something to do.

The best thing to move forward, was to be serving again.

However, I had no idea what team I might end up on. It seemed likely that my Captain would suggest I rejoin his ranks, but I wasn't sure that was the best call. Not if those framed patches were anything to go by. As cold as he liked to pretend to be, he cared very deeply. Perhaps deeper than anyone else.

You're worth waiting for.

I pursed my lips. How had he known that? How had he seen that from where he was standing? Was he just reading into something that didn't exist? Or did he–

"Why the fuck are you awake?" He grumbled from his pillow, and my head whipped round, caught out staring at his personal things. Then again, he had invited me to stay over, the chances of me seeing the frame were pretty damned high. He hadn't hid it or anything. Then again, I was also majorly overthinking it and analysing the crap out of it. He propped himself up slightly, hair a little mussed, eyes still slowly brightening with consciousness. "Robyn?"

"Sorry!" I squeaked, pulling the covers up to ensure I was 'decent' and then wondering why I was bothering. The man had his head between my thighs last night, it hardly mattered if he saw my tits now. Still. I laughed at myself and shook my head. "Bad dream, woke up and started overthinking, that's all. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Y'didn't." He sighed, turning over, sitting up and hauling himself back against the headboard. "What time is… fucking hell it's barely five in the morning. You're a damn sadist." He smirked and smoothed his hair back, blankets puddling round his hips, that defined V line encouraging my eyes in a brand new but familiar direction. "What was the dream about?"

Reality nipped at my heels.

I blinked and brought my knees to my chest. "Oh just some daft old memories. Nothing to worry about."

"About Vincent's shitty work?"

How the hell did Levi… Actually no, as we were talking about it last night that made sense. He was an insightful guy. How much did he see when he was being all quiet and stoic in the corners? I suppose that had to be part of it. While the rest of us were being noisy, he was noticing things.

I nodded and my hand reached over my shoulder, tracing a few of the marks left behind. What they were, I had no idea. What Vincent had been doing, I had no idea. All I had been was the rat to experiment on, there was no need for me to understand beyond that.

Levi traced where my fingers failed to reach, and at first I flinched, gasped and leaned away. But then when he was still, watching closely for my reaction to finalise, I was reminded of how utterly safe I felt in that space. No judgement. No peering curiosity. Just, observing, being present. He had such a strange presence to him, not one that I knew how to deal with quite yet. There were zero expectations. I smiled softly and nodded, returning to my position but turning slightly so he could see more.

As hideous as I assumed the patterns, scars and marks were, the way his touch traced across them made me wonder if in some way they were also beautiful. He barely made contact, tracing down my shoulder blade, along my ribs and towards the small of my back, before coming back up the other side. I shivered.

He pressed a kiss to my nape and restarted the tracing process. "And you've no idea what they were for?"

"Mm." I confirmed, finishing off the braid in my hair as another kiss was pressed against my shoulder. "They're all over, right?"

"Scattered in clusters kind of, like he was trying different styles or something. Bastard. Some of them you can barely see though." His lips lingered by my nape. "Do they hurt at all?"

"No, can't even tell they're there." I looked over my shoulder and smirked. "You're very affectionate in the mornings."

"Mm, guess so." He shrugged and kissed along my neck next. "So you gonna ask about the frame or what? Saw you staring at it like a creep." His nose skimmed the shell of my ear as it began to go pink with my blush. "It's fine. Not like I hid it or anything."

"Are they from a team mate you lost? Or two?"

"Two. Lost them on my first mission beyond the walls."

I turned to him properly and he raised a brow as I encouraged him to lie back down, me following and laying with my head on his chest. Whether it was to hide my back, or put him in the spotlight, or both, I wasn't sure. But he went along with it.

Tracing a random pattern with my finger I met his eyes head on. "What were their names?"

"Isabel and Farlan." His eyes tightened on the names, like he wanted to pull the sound out of the air and keep it to himself.

I bit my lip, and his thumb ran along the skin, releasing it. "I don't want to pry…"

"You're not." He stared at his thumb against my lip, his brows raising a little. "Just felt a little strange to say their names again out loud."

A quiet took to the room. I wanted to lean in, to thread my fingers into his hair and distract him from whatever ghosts I'd dragged back into the forefront of his mind. Why? I guess I just couldn't stand to see him so haunted.

He frowned for a second and removed his thumb, clearing his throat and shuffling free of my hold. He sat up, perched on the edge of the bed. His back was tense, but he just got up, shrugged on some fresh underwear and made his way through to the main area where his desk was – as well as the small area for making tea. My lip tingled. Maybe I had gotten a bit too close? He had shared a little, I had no right to ask further, and clearly something had spooked him. I got up, wriggled into my uniform and headed through as I did the shirt buttons.

"Tea?" He offered, eyes focused on the tea leaves he spooned into the pot.

"Please. Or would you rather I–"

"It's fine." He sighed, shaking his head. "Sorry, I didn't expect it to feel so odd sharing anything about them. It's not some dirty secret or anything. Just… Not something that comes up often."

He spooned in enough tea for two and I sat on the chair in front of his desk, tugging my boots on, noting how his eyes stayed low and his jaw tight. The water whined in the kettle, and he poured it into the pot, stirring slowly.

"I dunno that I told you..." I said, smiling softly when he glanced my way with question. "I've started looking for an old friend of mine actually, she lives in the interior now. Or… Or did last time I saw her." I laughed softly and finally got my boot on. "Keza, she's a real character. I'm hoping I can maybe rebuild that bridge."

"Did it end on bad terms?"

"Not exactly." I tilted my head and he chuckled at my wavering expression. "We both had big personalities, clashes were common. The last one just happened to be a bit more… fundamental."

"Had? Your personality is still plenty big." He came over with the pot and two cups. "Thanks by the way, you uh… You didn't owe me personal information or anything, I just–"

"I'm good at distracting folks that look cornered." I winked and lounged back in my seat when I'd taken the offered tea. "You've done plenty of that for me recently, keeping me focused on training and such instead of my team loss. I pried too much about the patches, or–" I added when he looked like he wanted to refute that claim, "or, you simply don't wanna expand on it any further. And that's fine. We all got pasts, Levi. Share yours if you want, tell me to get the fuck out if you don't."

He stirred his tea and took a long breath, an almost smirk appearing before he gave a nod in his stoic manner. "Appreciated."

"Likewise." I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the peace.

A sense of contentment wasn't something I'd really gone looking for with this set up. Fuck buddies wasn't usually this involved, but the more time I spent with the man, the more I had to wonder if he had meant it when he agreed to that kind of situation. Was I kidding myself? Did he feel way deeper for me than I realised? Or vice versa. Had I started to feel pretty damn deeply for him? It bothered me that he was upset. Why? I dunno. But a weight appeared in my chest, one that had nothing to do with having put on my bra incorrectly. Bloody hell. I needed a damn map to get out of my thoughts.

"So… The upcoming mission." He had slung on some fresh uniform, but left the shirt undone and his boots weren't on yet either. I was witnessing all forms of my Captain lately, wasn't I? There was a small part of me that wanted to see him drunk again, especially with our newfound intimacy, but I could wait. No doubt, it would be worth it.

He tilted his head. "Robyn?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, what?"

He rolled his eyes. "The mission. Erwin's gonna be calling a meeting about it today, and I was wondering where you stood on… Well, everything."

"Everything?" I tried to laugh, but it came out strangled. "As in, can I go etc?"

He nodded.

I sipped my tea and wished my hands hadn't just started shaking. "I want to get back out there, back to making a difference. But… But I don't know what's going to happen when I'm there. Be it in Trost before we head beyond Rose, or if it's out there on the plains… What if I lose my nerve? I could get another–"

He cleared his throat.

I tried again. "I could be involved in another team's loss. Y-You're right, I didn't get anyone killed. That wasn't m-me. It was the Titans."

He nodded. "Maybe you'll believe that eventually."

"Y-Yeah."

"Problem is, none of us know if we'll keep our nerve." He clicked his tongue. "Until you're out there, in the thick of it, you have no idea. And you can't stay hidden on base either, as that's only going to make the fear stronger."

"So I should just… Try?"

"No 'should' about it. But it would be my suggestion at least. And, I'd gladly have you put back onto my team. The rest of them would as well." He added with a small nod, but then he sat up and leaned forward on the desk. "Do what you feel is right, but the place is there when you want it."

"But what about that rather nasty instinct of charging after a Titan, you had?" I pursed my lips as he glared. "Don't go denying it, we've been around that before."

"And I said at the time, I'd have done that for any of my team. That wasn't something special for you."

And I didn't believe a damn word.

I sighed. "I want to serve again. I do. So… So, can I ask you to make a promise?"

"I'd want to know what it was before agreeing." He watched me closely.

"I need you to swear, hypothetically, that if I am in danger, you will put being a Captain before being my…"

"Fuck buddy." He didn't look any more convinced by that term than I was, but it was the game we were playing for now.

"Right. So can you promise to put the Captain first?"

He frowned and looked to the side. "I can. But that also means you have to trust that I'm acting as Captain. We can bicker about shit endlessly once home, but you can't go questioning–"

"I won't." I stood and gave a salute. "I'm an asshole, a stubborn wench and generally a pain in the arse, but I know you're a far more capable soldier than I am, and will trust your judgement in the moment. Just…" I faltered and looked down for a second. "Do not make me the reason Humanity loses its strength."

He huffed a bitter laugh. "Humanity has far more strength than one of me."

"You know what I mean."

He got up and came round to my side of the desk. "All right. I promise, as your Captain, to put my duty and rank and all that shit, before any consideration for your well-being."

"Thank you. And I'll trust you to do so."

"Good. Then we're agreed, you'll be signing back onto my squad?"

"Yes, sir."

He smirked. "Not just yet, brat."

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