Hello! Another week, another update! I hope you enjoy!

It was bullshit.

It didn't make any sense.

I sat in the Commander's office whilst Connie replaced one of my bandages. He was careful not to further disturb the stitches I'd ripped out when waking, when I found out the truth. They had saved me, but hadn't saved Levi. He was left behind. Abandoned.

It had been a few days since they found me, apparently. Having infiltrated this 'White Cloaks' organisation enough to determine where me and Levi were being kept. And then they attacked. They took out the guards, found me in a cell, and brought me home. Except they did it wrong. It should have been Levi to be saved. Humanity's Strongest. My Captain. As they told me the story, my whole body had begun to convulse in shivering. Guilt. Panic. Disgust. Fear. Loss. Grief. Confusion. They flooded my system, sending me into a hysterical episode, my rambling and flailing doing no good but me being unable to stop. Why was I the one they found first? Why me?

The alcohol stung my wound, but I just stared at the Commander. She continued her speech, watching me closely. I stared back blankly. I couldn't pretend to care about the contrived shit she was spouting: they tried, they almost had Levi, but they didn't have enough time, they were so glad to find me at least, I was worth it all. Connie tied off the bandage at my shoulder, the entire arm needed bound, being torn and lacerated all over. Apparently I'd been covered in cuts; my back was the worst, shredded by various whippings. But I didn't remember any of it. Blank. Darkness. Silence. And now, I was meant to rest. Like hell. It didn't matter how many times Commander Hanji repeated the notion, I wasn't going to agree. Having woken a few hours ago, and now knowing I was here while Levi was gods-knows-where, enduring gods-knows-what, the last thing I was going to do was rest. I had to get to work. To make it worthwhile. It was that or I'd snap. Again. On and on she goes, reminding me to let myself heal properly. That I wouldn't do me, or anyone, any good by punishing myself. But I just stared, barely even bothering to breathe as I focused on maintaining composure.

Bullshit.

They should've made time. They should have saved time by not getting me.

She said I am just as vital to the regiment. Fuck off. An outright lie. They'd swapped Humanities Strongest, for Humanities most fucked up.

Hanji finished and flicked through her damned paperwork. Scribbles, and more scribbles about my condition; I looked down at my healing hands, one remaining heavily bandaged. It didn't matter though. I knew it was there. It would always be there – the blood. It wasn't fresh, it was caked on thick, darkened as it hardened over my skin from years of my fuck ups. There I was, home, walking around freely, unable to even remember what was done to me. Was he there in the same place? Was he also being whipped and beaten? The memories evaded me in a grey mass of cloud. I gritted my teeth; my memory refused to cooperate, only allowing the odd snippet of an image, or inkling of emotion. Mainly it was swirls of shadows, bright lights, and the splatter of my own blood. And all I felt was fear, hate, and guilt. I was drowning in it.

What came before? All I remembered was a marketplace, rainfall, and a ring. A small band of silver, given to me by him in our bubble of happiness. I hadn't told anyone yet. But I could see it, sat there in our little apartment, safe in its little pouch in my bedside drawer. It needed resized. It was the only reason I hadn't been wearing it when we were taken. And now it sat there in the dark, possibly to never see the light of day again. And with it? The future, the promises, the laughter and the love. Shit. It was perhaps gone. All of it. The possibility snuffed like a candle. We said 'fuck it' to Fate's games and it came back with a right hook.

"Robyn… Levi would want us to keep fighting."

That's when I lost it.

My chair juddered backwards as I stood, ignoring their pawing hands trying to calm me. I glared at the Commander. She remained calm, but her remaining good eye scanned me, searching for new patches of blood where I'd torn a stitch, or disrupted an injury. None of it mattered. Why the hell didn't they see that? Once again someone I loved was hurt, being tormented, dying, because of me. Had I not been there, they would have had time to get him. They could have saved Levi. They could have made the right choice. But because of me, Levi was still there, still having whatever the hell done to him. Red. The haze descended over my eyes, mind and heart, glazing everything in that hatred, that fury I had inherited. Burning, the anger seared in my chest, scalding the reason from my mind. Blood. Levi's, mine, everyone's, endlessly spilling because once again the bastards were winning.

I slammed my hands against the desk, breathing heavily, eyes growing warm.

"Leave us, Connie, please." Hanji ordered, and the cadet scurried away, a small sniff sounding before he closed the door. Again, guilt swamped my mind. Now I had to apologise to him. I dug my nails against the table-top as I tried to control my temper, to rein in my fury. But it was awake, and I choked against its leash. "Robyn, I—"

"Don't you dare sit there and talk like he's d—Like he's-he…" I gagged, a hand to my mouth as I shook my head away from the idea.

But there it was.

Centre and present; looming as I heard my own stubborn heartbeat thunder in my ears. I'd been half dead when they found me. So who knew what condition Levi was in. He could already be gone and we didn't even know it.

The Commander pushed her chair back. But I couldn't stand it; her sympathy, or her kindness. Compassion was killing me. I stumbled, but managed to back away when the Commander reached out.

I gasped. "He's not. He-he can't be d-de—" I gagged again.

The Commander pulled me into her arms. I struggled, unable to accept the tenderness. I didn't deserve it. She held tighter. And as the warmth, the strength, the reassurance, sunk into me, I grew still. I couldn't fight against her. Hanji. My Commander and my friend. I swallowed my sobs, and let my scattered mind focus on her strong heartbeat. The shadows couldn't be beaten now, they had far too much fresh fuel to fuck me with, but for this small moment, they were kept at bay. Snickering at my feeble mind.

A hand moved against my hair. "I don't think he's dead either, Robyn. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made it sound like that. But we can't just sit by, and wait for him to return."

She's right. I know it, and I hated it. We could do nothing but wait, but we had to keep busy. I had to keep busy.

I nodded as she held me, waiting for the shivering to subside. All the while, I knew what I had to do. It was the only way. That or I'd crumble. That or I wouldn't be able to function, to heal, to let the memories come back on their own accord. It had to go back to what it was like before, how I was before; before taking that risk with Levi, before trying to let myself be human as well as a soldier. I had to put my walls back up. Shut the pain out in some way. Distance myself. It was hard, my heart flinched as the air was sucked out, but it was necessary. If I didn't seal those walls into place, and slam the lid, I'd lose it. Then their rescue really would have been in vain. It had to be worthwhile.

It was exactly what the Commander had asked me not to do.

In that small room where I was examined and stitched up, she knelt before me. I'd never seen her look so guilty. I held onto the mattress, bracing myself for the worst; and yet her words exceeded my expectations. They had no idea if my Captain was alive or dead, they had no idea where he was, they had no idea what had become of him. Somehow it was worse than knowing he was already d—gone. But all they could do was grab me, and run. They had to fall back, or else risk losing more precious lives. But as she explained all this, she took my hand. Such a simple thing, and yet it made my eyes warm with tears. She asked me, no pleaded with me, to focus on the fact I had escaped, that I was vital to the regiment, just as much as Lev-him. And then the Commander begged. Hanji Zoe, sat before me, begged for me not to shut down. Not to smother my heart, but to focus on the mission at hand. To focus on the fight.

But I couldn't do that right now.

My heart, and head were all over the place. The moment my mind landed on something concrete, an earthquake sent it toppling. I couldn't keep feeling all this, or I'd burn out. Or I'd burn something.

"I'm sorry, Hanji." I choked, still held in her arms, the walls sealing into place.

"Shh, Robyn please… just breathe…"

There was a lot I was sorry for: for failing to save my Captain, for not remembering what had happened, and now for doing the only thing I knew how to. Even at the start of our current conversation, she had said how thankful she was to see I wasn't shutting down, that I wasn't running. But I'm too damn selfish not to, I had to run.

I had to keep it together for the regiment. Didn't I?

When convinced I'm calm, she let go, but when looking down she tightened her hold on my shoulders. They no longer quivered. Steady as a rock. I slowly met her gaze, and she shuddered. Really, I don't know what else my Commander expected. An echo rumbled round my mind as the tomb sealed. There was no way I could endure training, functioning, or even breathing if I let myself feel. Just like when I was a kid, accepting being alone in the world, no mother, no home, no future. Just live. One day at a time. Scrape back some meaning, steal anything vaguely worthwhile from the world. I was cold, my fire suffocated as I let my nerves dimmed from fiery red to a black, icy steel.

Just like when I lived on the streets. Just like when I had no home. Back to before.

"Robyn?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Kiddo…" she sighed heavily, putting her forehead to mine, squeezing my shoulders.

A faint ache appeared in my chest, but I stamped it down. She straightened, grazing a hand across my bruised cheek, and returned to her desk. Another heavy sigh.

I dipped my head. "Shall I go about my daily duties?"

"Carry on, Sanshi."

I left the office, and walked to the training grounds to begin my teaching duties. They hadn't been due to start for another week at least, but I had no time to waste. We had fresh recruits, they'd joined us since I'd been gone. It was time they started learning the ropes. I stood before them, and greeted them briefly before outlining the exercise. They all shuffled about, dodging my eye. They were just kids. I wondered if I looked that young when I signed up – even though I was of course already in my twenties at that point. All I remembered was a big sense of purpose. Little did I know I'd ruin it for the rest of humanity in such a small space of time.

I gritted my teeth. Stop that, you idiot. Get on with your damned job. Stop whining.

Make it worthwhile.

I barked my orders, and watched them flail.

It took all day, but they were starting to get the hang of the Scout's more involved techniques on the 3DMG gear. And a few had even got the knack of my ability to not waste gas. But it was dinner time. I sent them packing, instructing them to properly maintain their gear, or face the wrath of Mikasa next week on inspection. That quickened their pace. They left and I studied the treeline, remembering how I stood there, beneath the baking sun as I gave my first instruction. My little dance, my confidence. His smirk at my foolish, wayward manner. Little echoes of memory, and nothing more. It felt like a lifetime ago. I sighed and headed for the stables. Someone would have already attended to the horses, but I guessed it would need redoing.

It always did.

The sun set, and I brushed down horses, staring at the brush, trying to ignore the blood staining my skin as I stepped towards a jet-black stallion. This one had a very specific rider. Only now, he would either be left stationary, or have to learn a new master's hold. Like anyone would dare. Someone might suggest I take the poor thing on, like it would somehow make sense if I did.

The blood bubbled.

I swallowed hard and got to work.

Someone entered the stables behind me, but I continued my task. Only two more horses, then I could head for bed. And not sleep. But at least that would mean no nightmares.

"You weren't on stable duty, Numbnuts."

Keza.

Why was she at the HQ?

"I know." I kept working. "You're meant to be at the orphanage, aren't you?"

She sighed; pity, and concern radiating as she approached. "Commander Glasses said you might be doing extra work. Seemed worried about you. Figured I could do more good here than the orphanage."

"I'm happy to do extra duties."

"It's time for dinner."

"I'll be there in a minute."

"It started two hours ago."

"Not hungry."

"At least look at me, Fucknugget." She was right behind me.

I could feel her looming; tall and protective. Her breath grazed the back on my neck, and I could sense her want to hug me, to force all of it out. But I denied it. I denied her. It was that or I'd crumble. She would hold me if I did, of course she would, but I wasn't her burden. I stopped and turned, porcelain mask in place. The blankness of my face clearly scared her, but I didn't have the capability to comfort. She'd have to wait like everyone else, till I got a grip on my moronic self. If I ever did.

"I'm looking at you." From her toes to her nose, I scanned, remaining completely stoic. "Satisfied?"

"Not a stitch." She rolled her eyes.

When I tried to return to my task, she grabbed my arm, not allowing me my refuge. Under her bright gaze, the walls trembled. Near her, it was hard to do anything but feel. She was the safe space, the haven that had always helped in my darkest days. But back then we had been kids. Victims. Now I wasn't that, I was the opposite. I was the problem. These walls had to stay in place, I couldn't let myself ask her to help shoulder this shit. She was wonderful, endlessly kind and brilliant, but she didn't deserve such punishment. And I didn't deserve her kindness.

"Come on, Robyn, you can't go there." She glared. "Not now. This place, these people, they need you. Not the cold you, the real you."

"I'm f–"

"No. You're battered and bruised. Your wounds are still healing and your head is so far up your own arse I'm actually impressed at the flexibility. But it's not gonna help, this stand-off-ishness. It's not. You need to come back. Let yourself heal. Let yourself–"

"I'm just doing my job, Keza." I tried to move away again, but she held tighter.

"You're not the type to fall apart over a good bit of dick."

She wanted a reaction. She knew he was much more than a fuck buddy, that I love him, and that he loves me. She knew. And so she's reaching, pressing buttons, looking for nerves to pick at. To open me up.

But when I didn't react with more than a shrug, I think something broke inside her. I guess she was a bit out of practice with this side of me. But I needed it now. If she kept pushing, I'd end up a jabbering wreck, sobbing and snivelling into the ground. Pathetic. No one needed that. Not the Commander, not the regiment. No one. That wouldn't make anything worthwhile, it would make it a waste.

I swallowed hard. "I'm fine."

"And I'm a fucking priest."

I shrugged again.

It wasn't because I missed Lev-Him. That was part of it, of course. But really, what had me toppling, was that I'd been reminded, yet again, that essentially I let those around me down. I destroyed things. I maimed them, and cast them into the dirt. My father's daughter. Red burning blood of Sanshi's strikes again. Just like Kenny had warned us of in the Underground, minutes before we confessed our feelings and truly sealed Lev–his fate.

Only one memory had fully surfaced of my time in captivity.

One clear memory I had managed to claw back. My Captain's simple request. All he had asked me to do was kill him. I didn't really understand why he would have asked such a thing of me, but still… Had I managed that, 'they' wouldn't be doing fuck knows what to him now. I knew I hadn't fulfilled his request, because every time I revisited his words, I remembered my outrage, my disgust, and my denial.

I was too fucking selfish to save him.

But Keza's incessant determination wouldn't leave; she stood there, waiting for an explanation, for a break in my mask, for a lamenting speech. I'm too tired for it. I sighed, and peered over my walls, fingers shaking as I hauled myself up. Her eyes softened as she saw me try.

"I need time to deal with this, Keza. I'm just trying… t-trying to keep a lid on things."

"All right. But a lid on what? Specify, please."

"They… K-Keza… Essentially they saved the wrong person, okay?"

Already I was shivering violently. I couldn't keep this up for long.

Anger sparked in her bright eyes, and she gripped my shoulders, doing a small double-take as she felt my convulsions. "But that's not true—!"

"Agree to disagree!" I sobbed, sucking a breath back between clenched teeth. "Look… The only thing I can remember clearly, is him asking me to kill him. And I failed… Keza, I…" I swallowed the gag reflex. "I don't know why he asked, what the context was, but I know I didn't do it. And now he's there and I'm here. I don't know what to do, other than stay busy, and keep these walls in fucking place."

"But… Robyn…"

"D-Do you know what I should do, Keza?" I whispered, looking up at her.

She frowned, looking for the words to help me. Pathetic little Robyn once again needing Keza's help. How she hadn't tired of my shit over these years, I'd never know.

She smiled sorrily. "Long term? No clue, beautiful. It's not really the same as my own loss, is it? You have no real idea what's happened to him… But short term?" She let go and held her arms out, a small smile peeking onto her lips. "Let me help you."

I hesitated.

The walls groaned. Dust fell as cracks appeared, widening as my heart longed for the contact. For the safety. I drew a long, shaky breath, allowing a little breathing room in my mind. With trembling hands, I reached up and wrapped my arms around her neck, holding tight as nerves glowed a little.

"I'll t-try…" I gasped, and she nodded into my hair, running a pattern against my back as she held me close. Her heart was racing, whilst my own galloped. "But Keza… I need you to understand. I can't promise anything, not anymore."

"Mm. It's a start." She hugged me even tighter and then spoke over her shoulder. "C'mon Titan boy, needing your assistance now."

"You really got through." Eren laughed breathlessly, coming through the stable doors. I wasn't sure what was happening until Keza stepped aside, letting Eren hug me tight and lifting me from the ground, as carefully as he could, but still not leaving much room to wriggle.

"Wha–"

"Shush!" Keza barked and Eren walked off, with me halfway over his shoulder.

At first I wanted to object, to cling to my duties, and immerse myself in manual labour as I had planned. But he was too warm. She was too forgiving. Dammit, I was going straight to hell. My selfishness knew no bounds. I was suspended several inches from the ground, feet dangling awkwardly, but I didn't fight it. I just breathed them in.

I had to try.

I had to trust in my Keza.

Cheers for reading!