Annnnd here we go!

ROBYN POV

He just kept screaming. Levi's hands were clamped over his eyes, back arched, body rigid. I'd never heard him yell like that. The sound burrowed into me, carving new ways to feel pain as I tried to wake him. What the fuck was he reliving?

I'd already slapped him, shoved him, begged him. But nothing worked. He just lay there, bellowing into the darkness of his room, occasionally gasping for air. I lit every lantern, to ensure he woke with no shadows left to linger. When Hanji appeared, I assured her we didn't need to strap him down. It would only make his thrashing worse. And we had no idea what he was dreaming. She handed me a sedative anyway, and lingered by the door.

"Levi! Wake up!" I sobbed, tears falling.

Please wake up. Please stop this.

I wriggled in between his arms, clinging to his neck as I shouted into his ear. "Levi it's me, it's Robyn! Wake up! You're safe, I swear! Please! I–" I choked on my tears, shaking him again, "I won't let them hurt you again. Please. Come back to me! Levi!"

He stopped.

Suddenly so still and quiet.

He sat bolt upright. I was flung to the floor with the momentum and laid there, panting, staring up at him. He stared forward at Hanji, his brows slowly going up in the middle. She didn't move. Just like me. Was he himself? Had their control come back? His eyes snapped to me. He blinked. For a few seconds we were stuck, confusion ringing like a bell.

I reached out slowly, about to try and reassure him, but by time I'd blinked he was on me. Straddling my lap, on his knees, hands clasping either side of my face as he stared in apparent disbelief. He was still panting, but otherwise he was silent. At least he wasn't gripping my neck. He was him. I stayed as still as possible. He looked frightened. His hands trembled, and tears brimmed his eyes. I opened my mouth to speak, but was silenced when he wrenched me into his chest, arms wrapping so tight as his shivering sunk into my bones.

"It was a dream…" I breathed.

He nodded against my hair, but made no other response.

I laid my hand to his chest. "You're safe. I won't let them hurt you again."

He tensed. I waited, but the shivering got worse, to the point that I wondered if he was having a fit. I tried to lean back, but he just held me closer, his breathing gradually slowing as he calmed himself. I just had to wait.

"Robyn?" Hanji murmured. "You doing okay?"

"I'm fine. He's going to be fine. Go back to bed, Love."

"You're sure?"

"He's holding me, not hurting me. It's okay."

"All right… You know where I am if you need me."

"Thanks Hanji." I called, his arms releasing enough so I could shift and wrap my arms around his neck, putting my face against the crook.

The door closed behind Hanji. We were alone.

"Hey." I kissed his throat, relieved to hear him sigh contentedly. He was still shaking though.

"It… It was a dream." He said, voice hoarse.

I jolted as I felt his tears falling, hitting my shoulder, seeping into my nightclothes. How long we sat there, I had no idea. Frankly I didn't care. Finally I was able to be there, to hold him, to help him. Bit by bit his breathing evened. The tears slowly stopped. And his heart slowed, the shivering weakening to little more than occasional tremors. But still he didn't move, didn't speak. He was out of the woods, but still lost.

"You want to talk about it?" I whispered.

He shook his head, holding me tighter. I swallowed, and tried to think of a way through this. Come on Sanshi, think it out, help him. For god's sake help him. I'm so scared I'd fuck up. He had helped me so many times, I owed him this. I owed him so damned much.

I kissed his skin again. "Want to move to the bed?"

Again he shook his head, violently. In fact he started holding his breath. I stroked his hair, kissing his throat again to try and soothe him. It worked, a little.

"Stay here okay? I'm just getting the blanket and pillow." It took another minute, but he did let go.

I gathered things and laid down, gently running my fingers along his cheekbone, watching how his eyes never left my face, shining with disbelief. His face was otherwise characteristically blank, the slightest of raises to the middle of his brows. But otherwise, stoic. I was so glad I could read him better these days.

"It was a dream." He repeated.

"Come here." I smiled, and he slowly lowered down next to me, tugging me over to hold me to his chest again, running his hand through my hair as he breathed me in. I snuggled in as close as possible, and ran my hand up and down his arm. He seemed content with the quiet, but I had to say something. "I don't know what you dreamt Levi… and…" I swallowed hard, trying to ignore how my eyes itched. "And I don't know what you're having to deal with in your head… I'm so sorry that I don't. But just know, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

He tensed, pulling me further onto his chest. I let him do as he pleased, having nothing to fight back with. Neither want, nor objection. Hold me closer. Never let go. Let me help.

"Problem is you should." He spoke, voice like gravel.

"What?" I didn't try to look at him, he was holding too tightly.

"The only thing threatening your survival right now, Robyn, is me. But… I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." He spoke between clenched teeth, putting his head against mine, shivering coming back tenfold. "I-I can't let go of you. So I'm just endangering you more… shit… I can't—"

"Shh, hey, please. Calm down. I… I don't understand."

If he meant the conditioning was back, it made no sense – he was holding me, not crushing me. He cupped my face not clasped my throat. Nothing was aggressive about his actions. And if he didn't mean the conditioning, I was even more lost.

"I'm too fucking selfish to save you." He croaked.

I shifted, and wrapped my arms all the way round him as best I could, listening to his heartbeat. "If you being selfish, means I get to stay next to you? Please be selfish Levi, for once, just be selfish."

We lay in a gentle quiet for a few minutes, then he trembled again. Only this time it was created from laughter. He had chuckled, gently and only for a moment, but still it had been a chuckle. My heart swelled.

He breathed easier. "You're a fucking maniac."

He shifted his weight so he could look me in the eye. His eyes no longer held disbelief, but instead a faint adoration. I didn't know what I'd done to deserve it, but in that moment I couldn't question it either.

"But I'm your fucking maniac." I said, smiling despite my tears.

He flinched at the sight of me crying, but just smiled softly and pulled me close, nestling his head against my chest. He listened, seeming to calm with each steady thrum of my heart.

"I guess we're both fucked then." He mumbled tiredly.

I kissed the top of his head. "Absolutely."

Sunlight was warm against my face as I blinked into the new day. My back ached, but I didn't shift, feeling Levi breathe against me. I looked down and found his head still laid against my chest, dark hair falling across his face as his eyes gently flickered in dreams. The lack of movement otherwise makes me hopeful that they're good dreams. Please let them be. I gently brushed his hair back, running my fingers through the silken locks, unable to stop myself smiling as his small frown creased his brow. A smile flickered across his lips. He was so peaceful, so calm. The image of his distress from last night was right there in my mind, and I shivered as I recalled his screams bouncing off the walls. But right now all was well.

I'd only intended to peek in last night, but as soon as I peered round the door there was no way I could leave. He had been breathing hard, gripping the sheets as he mumbled. Pleading. I'd sat by his bed and watched, unsure of whether to wake him or not. Whilst watching, I had wondered what would have happened if I had followed him here earlier, if I had pushed past his fears and made him face them. Beyond anything else, I needed to know if I could be with him like that, if I could manage it without being reminded of— I had gritted my teeth and hugged my knees. He hadn't remembered when we'd broken through the last of the triggers, at least as far as we knew, it was the last. Perhaps they hadn't been able to make his mind latch onto it the way they had with the rest of their dirty work. Perhaps they would have had to repeat it in order to do that. I swallowed hard at that thought, of them repeatedly entering my cell and… I swallowed again. He hadn't remembered. Maybe he never would.

In the warm light of day, with his body pressed against me, it almost felt foolish to doubt being able to be intimate with him. But this might not prove anything. It was all contextual, and this was perfectly innocent. He was asleep, and it was nothing more than a tender hug I was getting. Or the occasional unconscious boob nuzzle. But again, innocent. I gnawed my lip and laid back in the pillow, my hand still drifting through his hair as I stared up at the ceiling. Surely with Levi it would be different. I had always felt so safe with him, so protected. Surely the dark memories couldn't sully that. My eyes grew warm at the mere echo of those painful moments, of seeing him sob against the bars as he was made to watch. Please don't remember, Levi. Please. Save yourself that, at least.

"Rbyn..?" He mumbled, shifting his head onto my shoulder as he roused.

I stilled my hand and held my breath, hoping he woke calmly. It wasn't that I feared his actions, I just wanted him to wake with a peaceful mind for once.

"Robyn?" He spoke again, sitting upright, sleepy eyes wide as he looked around a moment before looking at me, and breathing out in relief.

"Good morning." I ran my fingertips against his cheekbone. He sighed deeply, leaning into my touch as his brows creased. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah… I think so…" He laid back down, pulling me to lie against his chest.

I put my hand over his heart and rested my chin there, watching him with a gentle smile. He was okay. At least, he wasn't panicky. Regardless, taking it slow seemed the best option. He stared up, just like I had, for a few minutes, before working his hand through my hair.

"Guess I scared you, huh, brat?"

"You could say that." I tilted my head into his hand. "But I'm glad I was here to help. You sounded so…"

"I'm all right."

"Don't do that." I laid on the pillow next to him.

He frowned, the mask slipping back into place.

I traced under his eye where the shadows lingered. "Don't shut me out."

"I can't keep heaping these things onto your shoulders. That isn't right." He pursed his lips.

I laughed, shaking my head as my touch ran along his bottom lip. "By shutting me out, you're only making it heavier."

"Mm."

I leaned close and kissed him gently, his hand resting on my hip, slowly drawing small circles there with his thumb. "Please let me help you, Levi? Please?"

For some reason my plea made him shudder, and his hand gripped my hip tightly. This created my own shudder, and I tried to mask my discomfort. It was almost painful, holding me there, in place. Like… Like they did. Shit.

"Brat?" His grip loosened and he drew the circles again.

"I just want to help… That's all." I reassured, his eyes drifting down to my lips, then lingering on my throat where they tightened. I slipped my hand into his, removing it from my hip and bringing it to my lips. "What was the dream about?"

His jaw tightened, still staring at my throat fixedly.

"Levi, let me in. Let me help you."

"I dreamt…" His eyes snapped to mine, and I refused the instinct to cringe back from the pain lingering there. Stay steady for him. I could do that. I could be there for him.

It took a few attempts but eventually he managed to explain. He told me the whole dream. From hearing my voice, to the desperate closeness, to the eventual aggression. I won't bother denying that it made me cold to the bone. I was tormenting him even in sleep. As he finished his explanation, his eyes stayed on my throat, and he gently stroked his fingers there.

I stayed very still. "I'm so sorry Levi… But it really was just a dream."

"How can you be so calm? How can you say that?" He sat up and looked away. I stayed still to let the dust settle. He was working through it. But the shame practically radiated from his skin. "Brat, I clearly still have them ruling my head… I can't risk… I can't—"

"You said in your dream you were horrified, you were begging yourself to stop."

"So? I still… snapped… your neck. It doesn't matter what else I was thinking."

"But Levi it's important to–"

"Focus on the positives?" He challenged with a scoff and I sat up alongside him.

"Yes."

He shook his head. "If I even think of hurting you again, I'd rather I just hadn't come ba—"

"Levi!" I yelled, heart in my throat.

I got up and paced. Trauma, I could handle. Paranoia, I could deal with. PTSD? Sure thing. Got it down. But a defeated Levi was something beyond my scope. At least, right now it was. Maybe that was foolish, naive, pathetic, whatever, but I had my own limits it seemed. He sat, leaning on his knees, staring at the floor.

Hugging myself I tried to keep my voice even. "This isn't you, it's them. Don't let them win."

"If fighting back means possibly… doing that… then I'll fucking stay their puppet." He growled getting up.

I marched over and jabbed his chest, my whole body shivering with rage. "You're no one's puppet, god dammit!"

"That dream would rather indicate otherwise." He snarled. "I'm just a–"

"No! You're Captain Levi, Humanity's Strongest, not some doe eyed idiot willing to sacrifice that for the likes of me!"

He pushed my hand away. "Maybe I'm sick of being Humanity's Strongest!"

"Don't give me that shit!" I shoved him, barely making him move as tears brimmed my eyes. "You've got too much fight in you to give up now. How dare you even consider that?"

"How dare you think you're somehow not worth anything!" He snapped, taking my face in his hands. "How dare you think I could fucking keep fighting if I'd done that to you. Are you actually an idiot, or are you seriously so delusional to not know how damned important you are?"

"That's not the point!" I gasped, my fears and guilt for the past six months bubbling up my throat. "It's not about me, it never was. Of course it fucking wasn't."

"The hell does that mean?"

"I can be replaced!"

"No you can't!" He pushed me against the wall and crashed his lips to mine.

Fury flipped, blazing into something else entirely. I tangled my hands in his hair. Yes. More. His tongue hungrily delved into my mouth. His hands gripped my thighs. Yet as he pushed against me, hips grinding, I shuddered for a whole other reason. No. Too much. Stop. I pushed him back. Fear prickled my mind. Not of him, but of what I might end up reliving. Or what I might do in the heat of the moment. His eyes were wild and he was panting, but I think he put my reservation down to concern rather than fear. I put my forehead to his, letting the tears fall.

"You…" He spoke hoarsely. "You can't be replaced, Robyn, not to me." He breathed heavily, hands resting on my hips again, his thumbs drawing those small circles.

I swallowed hard against my retort, pushing back the fear, anxiety and guilt of this past half year. Think. Understand. If these roles were reversed, I would be saying exactly the same thing to him. Except the idea of me being Humanity's Strongest, really didn't paint a confident picture of the regiment's ability to serve. But that was beside the point.

His breathing evened. "Look at me."

It took a moment, but I did. There was no room for doubt in those eyes, was there ever?

He kissed the end of my nose. "Where else would I find a nutter willing to deal with me, and my shit?"

"All right…" I wiped my eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"You're agreeing with me?"

I stuck out my tongue.

But as the relaxed quiet took over, my momentary distraction ended. He'd spoken with such disregard for all the good he had done. He couldn't be so willing to give all that up. If he was ready to do that, perhaps our captors had already won…

"Are you really sick of this? Of being Humanity's Strongest?" I closed my eyes and waited with bated breath. I couldn't make the decision for him, but I also couldn't pretend I was okay with it. The White Cloaks wanted to destroy the Scouts. If we lost Levi now, they had accomplished their goal. Hadn't they? If he had wanted to retire before all this, I'd have been open to it, no doubt. His right to choose. Now though, now it was tainted by their influence, their darkness. Was he choosing for himself, or because of them?

He breathed, tangling his hands in my hair, forehead to mine as he sought the words. "It isn't the title I'm sick of, it's having to put all that first."

Oh.

He continued. "Right now I just want to be a selfish bastard, and focus on protecting what's important to me, instead of humanity."

"So… You don't regret being a soldier?"

"I can't allow myself regrets, Robyn, you know that."

"But–"

"If I hadn't been a soldier, I wouldn't have had the chance to get wrapped up in your nonsense." He shook his head, his hair tickling my skin. "I don't regret anything. It's just my priorities have been slightly changed."

"All right… That's… Reasonable."

"Again… Agreeing with me." He murmured with suspicion.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm trying to be supportive here, it's a new sensation for a selfish arse like myself." I muttered, and he thunked his head against mine. "Jokes aside… Just… Just don't give in, Levi. Please. We'll get through this together, and we can protect each other all right?"

"Mm. I guess I'm not allowed to give up anymore, right?" He huffed and I smiled shakily before he captured my lips in a soft kiss. It was tender and loving, and I couldn't help but sigh like the drooling moron I feared I was becoming permanently. "I can't lose you Robyn." He breathed.

"Just like I can't lose you." I smiled broadly when he finally looked me in the eye.

His eyes softened. "Still think I'm the strongest?"

"Yes. And I don't think that'll ever change." I ran a finger along his collarbone. He took a long breath and just stared. "What's that look for? Do I actually have drool on my chin?"

He took my hand and kissed the back of my knuckles. "I'm a damned lucky man."

"Uhuh…" I raised a brow – considering our recent string of bad luck, it was an odd sentiment.

He played with my hair. "The world's shit, and we have to wade through it. But given all that, I still get you."

"And I you."

He smirked and then looked to my hand again, cradling it, raising it and kissing my ring finger. "Maybe one day we can go back to those promises?"

"I think we're already on our way." I smiled and couldn't help the small breathless laugh at his momentary surprise. Like it was oh-so-shocking I'd also thought about that ring. About the day he asked me to marry him. About us looking ahead so bravely, right before the world try to crush us.

He kissed me tenderly. "Thank you."

"Mm, likewise." I grinned and then tapped the end of his nose. "But seriously, you doing all right now?"

"Getting there." He nodded. "Good thing I guess, I should be getting back to work."

"You have kind of been slacking." I kissed his cheek and made for the door.

"Oi, brat." He called, I paused and glanced over my shoulder. "Really… Thank you."

"You're welcome, Captain. See you at breakfast." I dipped my head. "We have a lot of work to do. You lazy bastard."

Aaaand there we go! Cya next time