My Therapy Journal

Journal 4

Written Jan 30, 2023

2nd Memory

"Whose face am I wearing?" I asked myself as I looked into the mirror.

"I want to know if I was wanted." I told myself again still looking in the mirror.

My face stared back at me sadly as if it knew the answers already.

Meeting my dad was like looking into a mirror that showed an older beaten version of myself. My dad did want me but I was never intended to be born from him.

My mother had tricked him into being with her by poking holes into a condom. When my dad got out of the military and came back. My family wouldn't let him near her or me.

So I knew then like I know now. I was never wanted. I was just a tool to be used to tie someone down or to hurt someone.

Recognition from my dad was like a breath of fresh air. It felt good to know my dad loved me even though he had been hurt so much from my existence.

He would introduce me to people. "This is my son Razarale." He would say as he put his arm around my shoulder. I never felt so loved and seen in my life.

My dad was hurting and the love I felt for him eclipsed everyone even my own family. When he fell down I tried to help him stand up but he wouldn't let me. I immediately ran away to cry. It hurt so much to see him in pain and not being able to do anything to help him.

I felt like I was in a standstill so much so that when my mother started causing trouble that I lashed out at her and took her back home without telling anyone.

I drove back to finish my trip but my dad told me to go back home and that he hadn't been prepared to see me at all or the drama my mom caused.

I felt so hated and alone.

I just wanted to disappear.

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

A invisible box was crushing me. Didn't I have enough problems in my life?

I was scared.

I didn't want to be alone.

I didn't want to be abandoned my anyone.

I didn't want to be left without parental love. But it seemed that life didn't want me to have it, just like it didn't want me to have love from siblings, friends and from girlfriends.

The book it helped me so much in finding peace but now when I read it. It didn't reach me anymore. Was it hurting from me ignoring it when I went to see me dad. Did I do something unforgivable? I want that peace of mind back.

"You raped me!" A woman yelled at me in front of her parents house. "No I didn't I begged and cried back softly. "What do you want from me?" I asked feeling extremly hurt and vulnerable.

I was so tired of this.

So tired of hurting.

Why did everyone I love believe I would only hurt them.

"I want you turn yourself in since you seem to love your phone more than me and raped me." She told me. "Fine." I said brokenly my heart squeezing tight.

"As I grabbed my phone and threw it at the ground shattering it. See I don't love my phone as much as I love you." I told her calmly.

"I don't believe you." She said. I picked up my broken phone and called 9-11.

"How can I help you?" the person on the call asked.

"I'm turning myself in for rape I guess." I told them a break in my voice with how scared I was.

"Okay we will be sending officers over. Is the person you raped near you?" She asked.

"Yes" I answered.

"Can you give her the phone and step 6 feet away from her?" She asked. "Yes. Here she is." I told her and gave her the phone.

I walked to my car and sat down by it. Not looking at her as she talked on the phone. I could feel her glaring at me.

When I got home I felt so abandoned. The only woman I felt like I truly loved hated me. And believed I raped her. "Why don't I feel anything?" I numbly thought. "What changed?" I asked myself.

Sorting through my memories I realized I started taking anxiety medicine when I started having panic attacks and more frequently. After that my emotions gradually dimmed without me noticing. I immediately quit taking them because I wanted to feel something even if it hurt.

A couple of days after I went cold turkey on my medicine. I was hit with so much love and pain that I had for her. I missed and loved her so much it physically hurt.

A couple of times after talking to her I finally gave up and realized I would never have her back. It hurt seeing her rather talk to other man and go to lunch with them then me. No matter what I did. I didn't deserve that. It wasn't my attention for how things ended up.

I decided I needed to focus on me. To heal from not only this relationship but all past relationships. I did research on how to get over an ex. And read an article that said that it took double the time you put in a relationship. Which was frustrating but made sense in my mind. Emotions are a powerful thing and make lasting impacts. So of course it would take double the time to get over and heal from them.