Chapter 10: Worthwhile

Matt stared across the study at the chair that sat in front of the window. It wasn't her chair—he'd lost that years ago when Torchwood had first taken him into custody. It was for the best, probably, that he hadn't been able to store much when he went into hiding. Not being surrounded by so many memories of what he had lost had been good for him at the time.

He leaned back in his own desk chair and let his head hang back as his eyes closed.

The memory sprang to life the moment that his eyelids shut. Her soft skin on his—their lips moving together, somehow still perfectly in sync even after all this time. His hand tangled up in her hair while the other pulled her as close to him as he could.

He let out a slow breath and opened his eyes. What followed the kiss had been far less pleasant.

They both took in a deep breath as they pulled apart. Their foreheads pressed together as they each took a moment to catch up with what had just happened. For his part, Matt tried to get his heartbeat to slow down.

"So, what happens now?" he whispered. "Do we move in?"

Clara had frozen, and he instantly cursed himself for opening his mouth. Her eyes were wide as she pulled away. "Bowties."

Matt jerked and swallowed down the lump that the use of their old emotional safe word created in his throat. "Clara, I'm—"

She stood and moved away from him. "It's late, Matt. You should get home."

Hurt tugged on his heart, but he understood her abrupt need for space. "Okay," he said, and stood. "Goodnight, Clara."

The pair of rings he still wore on a chain around his neck had never felt heavier than they did right now. It had been a week, and he had yet to see her. She had skipped that Sunday dinner at his parents' home—feigning some excuse about paperwork. He had waited to see if she would invite him to come to dinner on Wednesday, but instead May had asked to meet with him at a restaurant. He'd forced down his deep disappointment and had obliged. He knew it wasn't his place to push to see her.

He cursed himself yet again for his fumbling of words. He should have known better. She was more cautious, this Clara. Her emotions were more reserved, and she was not as quick to share her innermost thoughts with him. Time had clearly taught her to be more careful with her heart, and he couldn't fault her for it. And yet, he couldn't stamp down the impatient desire to see her again. To apologize more fully and beg her to give him another chance. They had only just found each other again; he couldn't lose her now. Especially not for such a ridiculous mistake on his part.

Matt sat up straighter and pulled one of his desk drawers open. He grabbed a ring of keys and unlocked the bottom drawer. He tossed them aside and pulled out the wooden box filled with everything of hers that he had kept when he had been taken into protective custody. Inside was one of her journals, the pressed head of a white rose from her funeral, and a few other odds and ends. He shuffled through the items until he found what he was looking for.

The chain of her leaf charm necklace chinked softly in his hand as he pulled it from the box. He let it dangle for a moment while he considered his options. Was using the necklace a sad excuse to see her again? Probably, but he could see no other avenue at the moment.

He stood and tucked the necklace safely into one of his pockets before pulling on his jacket and marching toward his front door. Consequences be damned, he had to do this.

His breath caught in his throat when his eyes landed on Clara as he pulled open the door. Her eyes were wide—her left hand poised to knock as she clutched a bundle of keys.

"How did you get in here?" he blurted out without thinking.

She blinked and held up one of the keys. "You gave me a key." She shifted from foot to foot. "May I come in?"

"Of course," he said, and stepped aside.

Hesitantly, she stepped inside and looked around as he closed the door. She hadn't set foot back in their old flat since the two of them had reunited. Matt had understood why without her having to explain it. It must feel overwhelming, being back here again.

He was quiet as he followed her deeper inside until she stopped in the middle of the lounge. "It looks just the same," she said breathily. "Everything looks just the same."

Matt nervously reached up to scratch the back of his neck. "I had to replace most of the furniture. Torchwood was only willing to store so much for me. But I do have this." He stepped into the study and picked up the box of her things. He let out a shaky breath before rejoining her in the lounge.

They sat on the couch with her and opened the box. "It's everything of yours that I kept. I suppose you should have it."

Clara ran a hand over the box, and she opened it slowly. She let out a peal of laughter as she picked up a picture from their wedding. "I can't believe you kept that one."

It was a photo of the two of them, their faces bright and smiling as unbeknownst to them, Jack and Amy were sneaking up behind them with a large bucket of rice.

He chuckled. "Well, it's a nice memory. And you loved it." He bit his lip and reached into his pocket for the necklace. "There is one thing missing from the box." He held up the leaf charm. "I was coming over to give it back to you."

"Oh, Matt." She blinked back tears as she took the necklace from him. "Thank you for holding onto it."

He nodded. "Of course."

They were quiet for a long moment while she rifled through the box of items.

She broke the silence by waving a hand toward him. "You're wearing the bowtie I gave you."

He glanced down and nodded. "I suppose I am."

"I haven't seen you wear one since you've been back," she said quietly. "I like it. You look more like yourself when you have one on."

He grinned and fiddled with the garment around his neck. "Well of course. They're very cool, no matter what anyone else says. Bowties are cool."

She rewarded him with a laugh. "Whatever you say, Chin Boy."

Matt's heart melted at her use of his nickname, but then he grew serious. "Clara," he said softly. "I'm so sorry about the other night. It was too soon; I shouldn't have said anything."

She shook her head. "No, Matt, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pulled so far back like that. I know that hurt you." She set her necklace down into the box and closed the lid. "It was all just a bit overwhelming. I mean, I spent so much time thinking about what it would be like to see you again. Now that you're here, I don't seem to know what to do with myself."

Matt leaned back onto the couch. "Nor do I," he admitted, and gathered his courage for what he wanted to say next. "All I do know is that I want to be with you. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, it would be worth it if only just to have had you back for a little while."

Clara kept her eyes firmly on the lid of the box and bit her lip. "That's just it, Matt. What if it doesn't work? At least when we were broken apart last time, it wasn't because of us. And it was a clean break. If it didn't work this time, it could get messy, and we have May to think about."

"I'm sure May would want us to try," he said earnestly, and leaned forward to take her hand. He was relieved when she didn't pull away. "Clara, I love you, and you yourself admitted that you still love me. Don't we owe it to ourselves, after everything, to see if we still work?"

She looked up at him through her lashes, seemingly studying his face for a long moment. His heartbeat quickened when she finally nodded. "I suppose we do."

He couldn't stop himself from reaching for her then. From pulling her in close and firmly placing his lips on hers. Clara responded immediately by tangling her hands up into his hair and fluttering her eyes closed.

Matt did his best to commit every bit of this moment into memory. As time had taught her lessons, he had learned a few of his own. Namely, to savor every moment that he could get with the people that he loved. After thinking that he had lost her forever, it wasn't a lesson that he needed to learn more than once.

His heartbeat quickened as the kiss began to deepen. He shivered when he felt her hands reaching under his shirt to rove over his bare chest. No longer was she hesitant or guarded. As the moments passed by, he felt her grow surer and more confident—even daring to move her lips from his own to his jaw, nibbling a little as she created a path down his throat to stop along the top of his clavicle.

"Clara," he whispered, and closed his eyes as she returned to his lips. For his part, he tried not to push for more, though he wanted to. He was too afraid of scaring her off again.

She abruptly broke the kiss as she stood. He looked up at her with confusion. Clara had a familiar light in her eyes as she held a hand down to him. "C'mon," she said.

He took her hand silently and allowed her to lead him through the lounge to the stairs. "Where are we going?" he asked.

"Somewhere where I don't have to worry about keeping myself from tumbling to the floor," she said as she led him up the stairs toward his bedroom. What used to be their bedroom.

"Clara, we don't have to do anything. We can just—"

"Don't finish that sentence," she said, and turned back around to him as they entered their destination. "You'll thank yourself later, trust me." She gave him a coy smile but grew serious as she stepped closer to him. "I know we still have so much to talk about, Doctor. There's still so much to figure out before we decide where to go next, but…it's been eighteen years of waiting for you." She let out a slow breath and reached up to cup his face. "So, for now at least, can we just skip all that and enjoy this moment?"

He was breathless as he stared into her eyes. All he could find there was hope and desire. It was all he needed to see. "Yeah," he said, and pulled her back in to pick up on where they'd left off downstairs.

"Here we are, Jammie Dodgers and tea as promised." He carefully set down the tray he was carrying onto the bedspread.

"Lovely," Clara said, and crawled back under the covers after she finished putting on one of his button-down shirts.

"I think that's the best that shirt has ever looked," he freely admitted as he handed her cup of tea over.

A deep blush formed across her cheeks as she accepted the mug. "Oh, I don't know about that. It was looking rather wonderful on you a bit earlier."

Matt chuckled and popped a biscuit into his mouth before crawling back into the bed beside her. "Let's agree to disagree then."

"Oh." She turned to the nightstand on her side of the bed and picked up the chain that held both of their wedding rings. She looked at them for a moment, and then handed them over to him. "Best make sure that these don't get lost."

He nodded and took the chain from her. He stared down at the rings for a moment before he pulled hers off and held it out to her. "Now, before you say anything, I'm not expecting you to wear it, but…it is yours, Clara. You should have it back."

She bit her lip, but nodded and took the ring from him. "You know, I still remember the day I gave this to Jack so he could pass it on to you." She swallowed as she continued to stare down at her ring. "It was one of the hardest things I had to do while I was gone, since it was one of my last connections to you, but I knew it would be better if you had it."

"Is that when you found out about May?"

Clara nodded again. "Jack was with me in hospital when I found out. He's the only person who kept me from completely falling apart that day." She let out a slow breath and leaned away for a moment to safely put the ring into the box of her things that he had brought up from the lounge.

He glanced beyond her at the clock on the bedside table. "When do you have to get back?"

She followed his eyes, and then turned so she could lean against him. "Not for a while yet. May is with your parents today."

He nodded and allowed the moment to lapse back into peaceful silence for a long while. He absently played with strands of her hair. It was then that an important question popped into his head.

"You told me, on the last tape you left, that the word that described your life up to that moment was complete. What about now? Would you choose the same word?"

Clara considered his question for a long while, and then shook her head. "No, that was so long ago, and so much has changed. I think…goodness, one word to sum up my life is still a tall order. But if I had to choose…" She went quiet again, then, and he waited patiently.

"Worthwhile," she said finally. "If I had to sum up my life in one word, I would choose worthwhile."

He gave her a smile and leaned in for another kiss. They had so far to go from here, but Matt couldn't help but feel hope pulsing out from every beat of his heart. She had promised him that they could try to rebuild their connection, and he was ready for the work to begin.

They pulled apart, and Clara gave him a smile that nearly stopped his heart completely. He had her now, and there was nothing left to stand in their way. Nothing but themselves. But her word was apt for their current state of affairs. Even just these few precious moments alone with her made any of the work that lay before them worthwhile.

He smiled back and pulled her into his side.

Worthwhile indeed.