Chapter 12
The night lasted until the early hours of the morning, falling asleep in each others arms when they were both satisfied and their bodies were exhausted from giving everything they could to each other. Namjoon was awake after Grace had fallen asleep against his chest, kicking himself that this was real even as he traced lazy circles against the bare of her skin. Being intimate with her had been as easy as all of their friendship was, trust that they cared about each other enough to communicate their needs and they had, multiple times through the night. Once had simply not been enough and while they had been close before, they were far closer now after giving themselves to each other.
Pressing a kiss to her forehead as she slept and gently touching her hair, he made sure she was comfortable and tucked in before allowing himself to finally close his eyes. There was part of his brain that was saying he would wake up in the morning and it would all be a dream but as he touched her and breathed in the scent of her, the scent of them together, he knew it was real and she'd still be there when he woke up.
So when he did wake up and she was gone, he sat up quickly, panicking a little as he ran his hands across his face. "Grace," he called, flipping the covers back and standing up, wriggling into his underwear as he did. He could hear her before he saw her, heading straight to the bathroom as she sat back on her heels, balanced over the toilet as she wiped her face.
"Hey," she said, ducking her head. "Not how I wanted to wake you this morning."
Namjoon grabbed for some toilet paper, handing it to her to wipe her face properly as he crouched next to her, rubbing her back. "I woke because I missed your warmth not because you woke me but you can always wake me Grace. You know I want to be there for you."
She felt her stomach turn over again, hurtling forward in time to land in the bowl, Namjoon reaching to flush it away once she was done again. "Not exactly romantic," she said, sinking back onto the cool bathroom floor, turning her back to the toilet now that she felt her stomach settle a little. Dropping her head, she took a few deep breaths as he moved to sit next to her, pulling Grace into his arms.
"I'm here for it all Gracie, I'm not going anywhere."
She looked up at him with watery eyes, tears wrenched from her stomach emptying and she wanted to kiss him and go back to bed with him, he was so exactly what she needed but her breath was gross and so she just rested her head against his shoulder and let him hold her as her body slowly relaxed.
"Do you want me to make you some breakfast," Joon asked after a few minutes where they stayed cuddled together, Grace starting to feel better. She smiled to herself at the thought. Namjoon was incredibly bad at cooking but she loved that he was trying to think of ways to make her feel better.
"I'm not sure I'm up to eating right now but thank you Joonie," she said. "Can you pass me my toothbrush and put some toothpaste on it." She wasn't ready to leave the bathroom floor yet but had been tempted to kiss him so needed to freshen her mouth if the right time came up again.
"Of course beautiful," he answered, gently extricating himself from their hug as he grabbed it, putting toothpaste and handing it down to her. "Not even toast? You know I can make that at least without burning it."
"Do I though," she said, a light laugh on her lips and it felt good after how she'd felt when she woke up that morning. She'd felt his warmth as they lay together, his breathing even next to her and hadn't been able to stop smiling, going to reach for him until her stomach gave her a short warning that it wasn't happy and she had scrambled as carefully as she could out of bed, trying not to wake him as she'd hurried to the bathroom. Brushing her teeth, he helped her to her feet as she spat out her toothpaste and put her brush away. Namjoon was looking at her and she cocked her head at him.
"Ah, don't suppose you have a spare brush, do you? It's not like I came prepared to stay over last night,," he asked and she grinned at him.
"I'd be totally fine with you using mine after what we did last night but since I have just been sick, I won't put you through that." Pulling open a drawer, she handed him a brand new brush, noting his pink cheeks. "I can't believe that made you blush. You weren't remotely blushing when you were -,"
"-OK Grace! Last night we were both caught up on the moment. It's different when you say it so bluntly."
"I like teasing colour into your cheeks," she said and he rolled his eyes.
"Careful or I'll take back the offer to cook for you," he said, opening the brush and reaching for the toothpaste.
"Promise," she replied cheekily, heading to her bedroom to get dressed, feeling ten times better than half an hour ago.
Jin didn't need to be told to know something had happened, leaning over Namjoon at his desk, grinning as he did. "Sooooooo," he strung out, punching him lightly on his shoulder.
"So what," Namjoon asked, distracted by the work before him.
"So you and Grace," Jin asked, wiggling his eyebrows as Joon looked up at him. Spinning in his chair, Namjoon turned to face his friend, crossing his arms.
"What do you want to know about Grace," he replied, defensive of his very new relationship, not wanting to gossip about it like they were just some random people who had met in a club and started dating. This was much more.
"Ah, everything," Jin laughed, punching Joon's arm again and Namjoon rolled his eyes.
"Well, she's 166cm tall, has a fiery temper when she's hangry, likes watching Netflix so she can fall asleep within five minutes, her favourite food is -,"
"-OK, let me be more clear with you my friend. You're not fooling me, I can tell by your face that you are happier after this weekend than you were last week and my guess is it has something to do with Grace and you. So spill?"
Namjoon knew Jin wouldn't let up until he got the information he was after and so he sighed and looked at him, leaning closer so Jin bent down to meet him.
"She's pretty amazing," Namjoon said and his eyes lit up as he spoke.
"Is she now," Jin said, amused at the look on his friends face but holding his tongue for the moment because he wanted all the goss.
"Yes and have you noticed how beautiful she is," he continued, not paying much attention to what Jin was looking like, focused off in the distance.
'Like a love sick puppy,' Jin thought before speaking. "I'm not sure Elsbeth would appreciate me noticing that Joon but I'm sure you think so. And not just amazing and beautiful, right?"
Namjoon looked up now at the teasing tone he could hear in his friends voice. "There are lots of sides to her for sure," he said, frowning at him.
"Don't let me stop you now that you're on a roll my friend. But seriously, your face says there's more than just what you think of her going on between you. Did something big happen with you guys?"
He tried to hide his expression at the words but couldn't, looking away as a huge smile broke out on his face and Jin leaned closer. "Like, are you guys just friends still?"
"No hyung, definitely not just friends still," Namjoon said and Jin starting grinning, slapping him on the back.
"Finally! So please, for the love of all things good in this world, please tell me why you are smiling like that!"
"OK, well," and Joon leaned closer again, "we might've kissed a few times."
"A few kisses have put that look on your face? I don't believe it was just a few kisses," Jin said, raising his eyebrows in disbelief.
"OK, OK, it was more than a few kisses, it was lots of kisses. Her mouth is amazing!"
"And I'm guessing it's also beautiful," Jin teased again, throwing his words back at Namjoon.
"Stop!" Namjoon, thumped his friend on the knee. "But yes," he laughed.
"And," Jin prompted, knowing there was more.
"And that is all I'll say. A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."
"You're not a gentleman," Jin said, a little whiny but just enjoying seeing how happy Namjoon looked after months of moping, teasing his friend as much as he could. He didn't know for sure but suspected there had been more than kisses shared between his two friends.
"I am when it comes to Gracie," Joon replied.
"You know Grace will tell Sara and Elsbeth," Jin said and Namjoon shrugged.
"If she wants to tell her friends then no doubt you'll hear everything through your girlfriend."
"Speaking of which, is she your girlfriend now?"
Namjoon paused from where his hands had fallen back onto his keyboard. "That is an unknown. We haven't said those things yet. But we're dating I guess."
"Does it bother you not to have it locked down? I mean, I'm assuming you want her to be your girlfriend?"
"Of course I do. I don't want anyone else dating her," Namjoon said, frowning at the thought.
"So are you going to say anything?"
"It's too new to put those kind of labels on it."
Jin rolled his eyes. "I could agree with that if you'd only met recently but you've known each other for years Namjoon. I think you can definitely have a conversation about what you want this relationship to be."
"It feels too real if we define it," Joon sighed.
"And you don't want it to be real," Jin replied, confused.
"Yes, of course I want it to be real. But there's so much going on for her at the moment with how sick she's been. I don't want to pressure her into agreeing to something that it's not."
"You think she'll say yes to this being more than dating if she doesn't want to? I feel like we've had this conversation before Joon. She is too honest for that to be the case, you just have to take a step."
"I know you're right, I'm just scared."
"But think, a few weeks ago you were pining for her and now you're sleeping with her so that's a huge step right there."
"What? Hey, I didn't say we were sleeping together," Namjoon hissed, dropping his voice so he was sure that no-one else nearby could hear.
"Didn't have to, that look is more than just kisses my friend, been there before," and having got all the confirmation he needed, Jin pushed away from the desk to head back to his own. "And when you're ready to talk about all of that too, I'll be all ears," he laughed.
"Never gonna happen hyung," Namjoon called after him, a few ears perking up at the loud voices before going back to his work, grinning at the conversation although he was definitely now thinking about the girlfriend issue, because he did want to claim her. Not in a possessive 'you belong to me so stay away from her' way. But in a 'let me be what you need, I'll always be there for you, I want to be the one you call when you are happy or sad' kind of way. It sounded more permanent, more together, more in tune with each other and that's exactly what he wanted. And he'd be lying if he hadn't thought about introducing his girlfriend Grace to people he met. It had a ring to it that lingered in his ears when he'd said it out loud in front of his bathroom mirror, blushing after he'd done it. He wasn't a teen with a high school crush but she definitely made him feel like it.
"Well, keeping it from our friends didn't last very long," Grace said when Namjoon walked in that evening. She'd given him a key weeks ago when he was helping her to and from appointments and now that they were dating, she told him just to let himself into the apartment. It felt a lot more significant now, more domestic and she got a thrill that he just appeared sometimes, like he belonged there. Which it very much felt like he did.
"Oh, so who knows," Namjoon asked, thinking of the conversation he'd had with Jin that morning.
"Everyone I think," she said with a laugh as he kissed her hello, and then again, gentle and soft as he sat down next to her. "Elsbeth just called, she heard from Jin. And of course Sara knows. I can imagine our wider acquaintances will all know by the end of the week, even if we don't tell them ourselves."
"Ah yeah, Jin. He kind of guessed, I didn't tell him," Namjoon said apologetically, entwining their hands together.
"How did he guess," she asked, resting comfortably against Joon, his shoulders broad to cushion her head.
He was embarrassed to admit how so dropped his head, avoiding her eyes. "Ah, he said it was the look on my face."
Grace started laughing, long and loud and he flicked his eyes up at the sound, enjoying how it rang through the apartment. "Why is that so funny," he asked when she'd calmed down a little.
"I guess I was wondering what the look was that made it so obvious," she teased and he looked down at her, her face falling from a laugh into something that was a lot more serious when she saw his eyes. "Oh," she said, blinking up at him. "Oh, maybe it was that look," she said, breathing a little more erratically than normal.
"I guess I can't keep it off my face," Namjoon replied, leaning in to kiss her and she let it flow over her body. "Are you ready to go?"
They'd decided to go to his apartment for a change of scene. One day soon, real dates would hopefully be something they'd both enjoy, when she was feeling better but since they just enjoyed being in each others company, a change of scenery to anything other than her place would be fine for now.
"I am," she said, moving his hand to wrap around her waist. He grinned as he pulled her a little closer.
"Are you," he asked, as he leaned in to kiss her again.
"Mmmmm, maybe just a little longer," she mumbled against his lips.
Half an hour later, they were in his apartment and like always when she was there, she walked to his bookcases to see if he had any new books she'd be interested in. They lined his living area, varied in topics and styles and it was one of the things she loved about him, how he was constantly learning and growing his knowledge. Pulling a book that looked different out from one end of the closest shelf, she flicked it open.
"What's this," Grace asked, turning the pages, handwriting flowing over all of them.
"Oh, well, I've been writing some more songs the last few months," he answered, itching to take it out of her hands so she couldn't read it but knowing it was too late, his hand coming to the back of his neck instead.
Turning her eyes from the beautiful poetry that was in front of her, she looked at him. "That's awesome Joonie. I love that you're still doing that. I don't have to look if you don't want me to though?" She could tell he was anxious that she was holding his thoughts in her hands, maybe not quite ready to show it to people, feeling like she was intruding a little.
"Ah, I guess I'd rather it was when it was all completed that I showed you. It's just in the early stages now so it's not very good."
She closed it straight away and put it back on the shelf. "I'm sure that's not true but I understand," she said, kissing his cheek and taking his hand as they walked over to his sofa. It was worn and deep and so comfortable, both sinking into it and cuddling close.
"There are some I just want you to hear when they're perfect," he said, thinking of the songs he'd written when he couldn't process what was happening around him. Things about her, about them. And even a few love songs that were his desires laid out on paper. He wasn't sure he could ever show her those.
"I'm patient Joonie, I just think you're amazing and talented so I know they'll be good."
He stared at her, at her smile, taking in all of her face with his eyes, before he leaned in, unable to hold back from wanting to pour himself into her.
His fingers lightly tangled in her hair as he pulled her close and kissed her, things feeling a little more heated and then his eyes grew big, quickly trying to hide his expression and his hand as strands of her hair came away, twisted in his fingers. But she saw anyway.
"It's been happening more and more," Grace said, eyes instantly worried at the thought it was all going to fall out soon. "I mean, they said it probably would but saying it and seeing it are two different things."
I'm sorry Gracie, it's not fair," Namjoon replied, pulling her into a suffocating hug and she leaned into him, letting him hold her tightly. They were silent for a few moments as he gently stroked her back, both deep in thought.
"I think I'm going to shave it all off, before it falls out. At least that way I have some control over when it happens. Otherwise I'm gonna clog the drains in my shower every time I wash my hair until it's all gone." She was attempting to joke but he knew she was hurting and it really wasn't funny at all.
"I'll support whatever you want to do Grace," he said softly against her head, continuing to hold her close.
"Will you do it for me then, so that we get all of it? I'm not sure I can do it myself."
His heart sped up at her words, what she was asking of him. He would, of course he would but he didn't want to. He didn't want to be the one to take one more thing from her considering all the happiness that this horrible illness had already taken. But she was asking him to be the one to do it and he couldn't, wouldn't say no.
"I can, if that's what you want."
"OK then," she said quietly, not moving in his arms, voice muffled a little against his chest. And she was silent a moment before she said more. "But I'm going to look so weird."
"No Gracie, you'll still look beautiful."
"I've always had hair, it's always been long, for as long as I can remember. Having no hair, it will change the way I look. You might not like me anymore," she finished, words petering away at the end until they were almost inaudible. But Namjoon heard.
Pulling away and gently lifting her chin so their eyes were meeting, he gazed at her, noting how wet her eyes had become, tears not shed but hovering inside her lids. "Do you seriously think I like you because of the way you look."
As soon as he spoke, he realised how it sounded. "Not that I don't like the way you look. Of course I like that too, you're gorgeous." He felt like he was putting his foot in his mouth but plowed on so she'd understand what he really wanted to say. "But we've been friends for a long time and the way you look is just one part of you Grace. There's so much more that I love about you that isn't remotely linked to your looks."
"You love things about me," she said, kind of teasing, a lot vulnerable, attempting to smile through her tears.
"Oh, there's so much I love about you Grace," he said, gently, sweetly tasting her lips. She gave in easily to his kisses and when they pulled apart, he used his thumb to swipe underneath her eyes, removing the salt from her skin where a few tears had finally fallen.
"OK then, we should do it before I change my mind. Can you shave my head now?"
"Now," Namjoon gulped, pulling back in surprise to look at her. "Like, now now?"
"Yes, now now," Grace answered, smiling a little. "I'll chicken out otherwise."
"If that's what you really want Gracie." He wasn't feeling at all good about this but sucked it up for her sake. If that's what she needed from him, he'd do it.
"I do, I think I just want to get it out the way."
"OK then," he said, standing up and gently pulling her to her feet. Kissing her forehead as she closed her eyes against his lips, he rested them there for a moment. "I have clippers in the bathroom," he said, leading her that way and she stumbled a little, his firm grasp on her hand steadying her as she followed him.
He got into goal mode, focused on getting the job done now that he knew it was happening. Taking a chair, he put it in front of the bathroom mirror, positioned so she could see what he was doing as he wrapped a towel around her shoulders to catch the falling hair. She looked up at him, eyes big as they locked on each other. "Ready," he asked and she nodded, giving him a tiny smile.
"Thank you for doing this for me."
"Thank you for trusting me to do it," he replied and turned the clippers on. Steadying his breathing, he filled his lungs and reached for a handful of her hair, lightly running the clippers across her head, shearing off the first chunk of hair as it fell to the ground. Grace gasped and then laughed, an awkward, guttural sound that didn't sound like her normal laugh.
"No going back now then," she said, taking in the line he'd drawn in her head with the clippers.
"I should keep going then," he asked, mouth twisting a little.
"No Namjoon, I want to walk around with a gap on my head. Yes, please continue," she answered, rolling her eyes. Now that it had started, she was determined for it to be done as quickly as possible.
"Sorry, sorry," he said, carrying on, hair falling all around them.
Halfway through, Grace closed her eyes, unable to watch anymore, keeping them closed until the clippers stopped buzzing and she heard the rattle of them on the kitchen counter as Namjoon laid them back in their container. His voice caused her to open her eyes although she kept them down, unable to bring herself to look up just yet. "It's OK Grace, I promise but just look when you're ready."
Bringing her hands up to her face she covered, her eyes, slowly lifting her head but she didn't move her hands away. She felt warmth as Namjoon came to press his own against hers. "Just when you're ready," he said again and she nodded as he took his carefully off hers, letting her decide when she wanted to see.
Grace knew she couldn't hide forever, preparing herself as she took big breaths. It's not that she was even that vain, never really caring that much about what she looked like. It was simply that she'd never not had hair. Being bald at 25 had never remotely factored in any of her thoughts when she was planning her life. But she had to look sometime, so she splintered her fingers open across her eyes, gaps appearing so when she did open her eyes and peered through them, she saw a glimpse of her head before she pulled her hands away and took in her appearance.
The shape of her head under all that hair was very different from what she expected and she didn't know she had a large freckle, visible only when she turned her head a certain way. She looked strange and her mind was having a hard time processing that it wasn't just a filter on her phone that changed your hairstyle. This was permanent or at least until it grew again. Gingerly reaching up, she ran her hand over the surface, feeling it strange and coarse under her hands.
"I could take it right back to nothing, a razer would do that for you," Namjoon said quietly. He'd put it on the lowest setting so it was just a very thin layer across her head, not even really there apart from the contrast between her head and her hair that could be seen to prove there was any hair there at all.
"No, it's OK like this," she said, stumbling over the words as she continued to turn her head from side to side.
"What are you thinking Grace," Joon asked, perched on the edge of the bath. He wanted to reach for her hand but she was using both to run over her scalp and he couldn't tell what was happening inside her head.
"It does look weird," she answered, flicking her eyes from the mirror to him and back to the mirror again. "Like, it's not really me at all."
"It will take some getting used to but it will grow again soon," he placated, finally touching her when she dropped one arm. Reaching for her fingers, he stroked them carefully.
"It took me years to grow it long, it will take years again," she said, voice a monotone and he knew she was desperately sad.
"They have amazing wigs now that look natural, we can find you one if you want?"
She just continued to stare at her reflection, not answering for a while. "Maybe. I don't know. I can't think," she replied, agitation in her voice, words stilted and not sounding normal at all. His heart was breaking for her and he couldn't stop the words that came out.
"Gracie, I still think you're beautiful."
She shook her head at him, disbelieving. It wasn't possible for him to still be attracted to her when she looked, well, like that she thought.
"I do, I really do and Grace, I don't lie to you, I can't and I wouldn't about this. When I look at you, I see your eyes, your smile, all the things that make my heart beat too fast in my chest. That hasn't changed and it won't, hair or no hair."
"I'd like to believe you Joonie and I know you think you mean it. But, I look awful," and she cried. Tears for the loss of her hair but more than that. Tears for how life had dealt her a hand she wasn't expecting.
Namjoon instantly crouched in front of her, reaching to pull her close as she cried in his arms. As he rested his cheek against her head, he had a moment where he noticed that the normal softness of her hair cushioning his face was gone but it was fleeting because the scent of her was still the same, she was still the same. Letting her cry as much as she needed, he held her, whispering words of love, sweet words that he hoped she'd hear.
"It's OK Grace, its OK," he almost chanted in her ear, holding her until the tears subsided. When they did, her face covered in a messy concoction of tears and weepy nose, he handed her toilet paper to wipe it away, flushing it for her as she took some deep breaths.
"I guess I'll get used to it," she finally said.
"You don't have to be so strong. There are times that someone else can take a load for you Grace. I know this sucks for you and you're allowed to think that it does."
"I'm not strong, I feel weak right now but I'm sure it will pass," she replied, bravely attempting to smile at him and his heart broke a little more, words tumbling out even as part of him processed the timing could've been much better.
"Grace, will you be my girlfriend?"
"What," she said, eyes turning to his, big and still wet but looking stunned in that moment.
"I mean, it's not how I wanted to ask and I don't really know how you're feeling about everything between us. But we're dating and there's no-one else and I want to know that you're with me and only me. I'd be proud to tell people that you're my girlfriend."
"I kind of thought I already was," she said, blinking at him as he blushed at her.
"Well, it wasn't defined and I thought maybe you were, I wanted you to be. But I wanted it to be clear. So, that was a yes then," he said, feeling foolish.
"Yes that was a yes. Or maybe we should do it this way so you know too. Namjoon, will you be my boyfriend? I'm kind of infatuated with you."
He blushed a little more, a strangled laugh coming out at the absurdity of it all. "I'm stupid aren't I?"
"Oh, you're so far from stupid Joonie," she replied, leaning to kiss him. "But you didn't answer me."
"Of course I'll be your boyfriend," he answered. "This is embarrassing."
"I happen to think it's cute," she answered and he'd done what he set out to do, distracting her in that moment. "Oh my gosh, I can tell everyone I have a boyfriend now," she said with a small smile.
"Oh, I'll be telling everyone that I have you as a girlfriend for sure," he replied and helped her up from the chair as they hugged, her head resting against his shoulder. And then she started to shiver.
"Are you cold Grace," he asked and she nodded.
"They said I would feel the cold since so much heat escapes through your head."
"Come with me, let me find something for you to wear," he said and guided her into his room where she sat on the bed as he rummaged to find a beanie.
"Smooth way of getting me into your bedroom," she teased as he handed her one of his favourite hats, one she always loved seeing him in. Pulling it down over her head, she stood up to walk over to the mirror. Like this she just looked like she always did when she had her hair in a ponytail and a hat pulled down against the cold. Like this, it wasn't so bad.
"Do I have to find an excuse to get you into my bedroom," he flung back at her and she rolled her eyes at him before sitting back on the bed again, Joon taking a seat next to her.
"You don't actually and I'm hoping it's OK if I stay the night? I don't want to go home alone now."
"Of course sweetheart, you don't have to ask," and they fell back against his pillows. It was the first time she'd be staying since they got together and he wrapped her in his arms where they huddled together, trying to tap into every last drop of each others warmth to steady them both. There was no need or even desire for passion in that moment, they just needed to hold each other, the magnitude of the night weighing on them both.
And later when she fell asleep, he tucked her into his bed, staring down at her fast asleep, hat still perched on her head. Changing into a tshirt and boxers, he snuggled next to Grace, kissing the nose of his girlfriend and falling asleep as he hoped, more than he'd ever hoped before, that she'd be OK.