Audio Log entry Sol 7

So I'm alive. Obviously, since I'm making this log, but it won't be obvious to anyone else. The sandstorm that hit us yesterday, the one that was so bad Commander Lewis called for an evac, sent the communications dish flying into me. Ok, the dish itself didn't hit me, but the antenna on it speared both my biomonitor and me. The biomonitor was destroyed and went dead, which made the crew think I was dead. So they left without me. Well, that and they couldn't find me because the whole thing threw me yards and yards away from everyone else. You know because hitting me wasn't enough to stop the communications dish from flying in that freak wind, guess I don't weigh enough to anchor it down. Wouldn't have mattered as long as they thought I was dead. NASA regs state to leave the dead person behind to save on weight,

Yeah, I don't get that either. The argument on weight just doesn't make sense since they calculated for my weight anyway. If the fuel margin is honestly that slim, then that's a rather large, unaddressed problem. I never thought about it until now but that's a huge problem. I mean what the hell, NASA? You're so worried about having enough fuel to return to Earth that you'd leave behind a dead astronaut, but you aren't worried about the fuel if they're alive?

We do have a scale here in the Hab and we were supposed to weigh all of the items that were returning with us to be sure we didn't take too much but one crew member is a problem. Yeah, someone needs to address that.

I know the story that during the Gemini spacewalks the commander was supposed to cut loose the astronaut on EVA if he were incapacitated rather than get him back in the spacecraft. That was more about the sheer logistics of the commander getting them back in because their space suit was different and not rated for EVA. With the two-door craft, it would have been nearly impossible to get the other astronaut back inside. So it was a different situation.

The argument that it would be mentally detrimental to the crew would make sense. Having to bring a dead friend/crewmate back would be tough, but then again it could be good closure too. The fact that there is no place on Hermes to store a dead body would be good except it's not true. As disturbing as it is to think about, that is one of the fail-safes that NASA planned for. There is a mini morgue. It's one of those things that you know intellectually but don't actively acknowledge. Departmentalization is a key skill for astronauts, being sorted under the category of things I hope I never have to remember or use.

Odds were slim that someone would die on either the trip to or from Mars but it had to be considered. They did consider the Hollywood standby of ejection into space but it was decided that for the family and as the person was already on board they would bring them home. Which is why it's so odd that they insist on leaving behind someone who died on the surface to "save weight." Pretty sure there was a burial plan; more of that departmentalized information coming back to me.

Honestly, even if they'd known I was alive, they might have had to leave. The MAV was so close to tipping and being useless which would have stranded us all. I'm sure they would have tried something. Knowing Martinez, it would be something dangerous and borderline crazy or even full-out crazy. I was trying to suggest to them a way to keep the MAV from tipping when I was hit.

Still, I'm glad they think I'm dead. Ok, that sounds odd because I'm sure they're broken up about it but if they'd had to leave me behind knowing I was alive with no way to get to me or get me to them it would be worse for them. I know it would have just torn me apart to leave one of them behind, knowing that I was leaving them there to die. They would have stayed in orbit on Hermes, brainstorming with NASA possible ways to get me to them, and since there are none, they'd have had to leave me behind. Though at least then NASA would know I was alive and could get me supplies to keep me that way until they could rescue me.

By all rights, I should be dead. I should have bled out on the surface of Mars except for some twist of fate that landed my body in a position that put just the right amount of torque on the antenna and my suit, and the blood that leaked out ended up drying fast enough to create a weak seal. That scab was pretty gnarly when I looked at it.

I still lost air, just not enough to die. However, when my suit reached the point of backfilling with only oxygen, I was in danger. Fortunately, I woke up when the oxygen alarm went off. All of the alarms in the suit are loud but I was so passed out I didn't hear any of the others. The oxygen alarm though is like those stupid loud fire alarms in school except in my helmet, right at my ears. I thought the one in my first college dorm room was bad. I hit the ground pretty hard when I landed. Wonder if I have a concussion from slamming my head into my helmet. Guess I could check Beck's medical stuff for symptoms and see, probably should, but not right now, maybe tomorrow.

I don't know how long I was out, but it had to have been a while for my suit to be so full of oxygen even with the weak seal. I thought about pulling the antenna out and patching the suit while I was outside still but decided I'd better not risk it. The adrenaline I was running on might not be enough to get me back to the Hab. Plus, I didn't know what the antenna had hit when it pierced me. Pulling it out and opening the weak scab seal before I could do anything about it might mean I'd bleed out before I could fix it. So I forced myself to get up and cut the wire that had me attached to the satellite dish or something else from the comms array. I couldn't see it so I don't know what it was exactly, so I went to the Hab holding the antenna in place just in case. Yeah, I didn't even realize I was attached to anything until I stood up and started walking. The pain and alarms had me a bit distracted after all.

When I saw the MAV landing struts, sitting there empty I nearly fell to my knees. I stopped and stared at the empty struts for what felt like hours but couldn't have been more than a few minutes. I wavered feeling weak, but I finally put my head down and trudged on. The worst part was waiting in the airlock for it to repressurize. Finally, I was back in the Hab and headed straight for the medical supplies, after taking off my helmet and gloves. I gathered what I needed and went to a chair. Then I stood there for a minute just trying to figure out how to do this. I've got a fairly high pain tolerance, but I was going to have to remove the antenna, get my suit off, and sew myself up, or use staples, or maybe glue if I was lucky. Side note: I wasn't lucky.

So anyway, I fixed myself up, no, I'm not going into details, not while the pain is still so strong that I can barely see straight. This might be due to shock too, but again, I'll look at the medical stuff tomorrow. If I ever make it back to Earth I'm sure it'll be part of my debrief so that'll be enough. Anyway, I did use one small syrette of morphine. There is more, enough to be dangerous, but that's locked up and Beck took the key with him. In time I could pick the lock but I don't need to. Our small first aid kits had syrettes like they used back in World War II, and probably in all field medical kits since then. I only know about WWII syrettes from movies. So, I just used one of those. It took the edge off but didn't get rid of the pain altogether.

I made it back to the Hab on sol 6 but after taking care of my wound, a bit of a breakdown at being alone on a deserted planet, and just dazing out trying to deal with the pain I didn't get to this log until now, sol 7, early on sol 7. And I'm exhausted. I'm going to go and try to sleep. I can add more to this later.

Log entry Sol 8

Woke up this morning still in pain but decided I'm not taking anything except some Tylenol and even that I'm only going to take in small amounts so I don't run out. The Tylenol is the only reason I'm typing today instead of recording an audio log. I was dazed and tired from the pain and morphine yesterday, so it was safer to talk than type, but I should type as much as possible. As easy as it is to just talk, the transcription software still makes mistakes sometimes.

I slept off and on for most of the day yesterday and didn't move out of bed except to pee and eat once. I was hoping the pain would start to subside, but no such luck.

I also woke up this morning thinking: What the hell kinda freak ass windstorm was that? There aren't supposed to be winds that high on Mars or at least not more than once a millennium or something like that.

Yeah, there are windstorms and sandstorms. That's why NASA had an abort wind speed limit but that was a "just in case" regulation. There are about a million of those. We never expected we'd need to use it. And of course, it came into play.

The MAV had that limit so what about the comms array? Guess it wasn't the same, someone underestimated, the testing wasn't good enough, or maybe it was also a freak thing. It doesn't matter; it just means I'd be up on Hermes right now, which does matter so that was a really stupid thing to say.

I had another minor breakdown when I saw the mess table covered in coffee cups and started to yell at the crew that I'm not their housemaid. Then it hit me. I'm alone. I know, I know. I knew that before but it struck me now. It's so damned quiet here in the Hab. I did ok on my solitary confinement, aka solitary psych assessment. That was ten days though. I can't get off this damned planet for four freaking years…

Log entry Sol 8 (2)

OK, I had to take a break. I may or may not have had a temper tantrum and thrown things all over the Hab. Nothing broke. I checked. I'm calm again. Dr. Shields would probably tell me the reaction is completely normal for someone in my situation, like anyone has ever been in my situation, but I feel like an idiot for throwing a tantrum like a three-year-old. And yes I know it's perfectly natural to be angry at being left behind but I still feel dumb and more stressed because now I have to clean up the mess. Dammit!

Four years though. I have to make it four years alone on a freaking deserted planet millions of miles from the entirety of humanity, and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do it. I know I don't have enough food. I need to do an inventory to see exactly what food is here but it should be enough to last me three hundred sols I think, longer if I ration, which I'll start doing right now. I'm going to start by cutting down to ¾ rations. I'll lose weight but I should still have enough energy to do what I need to do. I might be able to cut down more depending on what activity I do; there is only so much to do here.

After that storm, I need to run a full systems check on everything in the Hab. I know I don't have communications but I do have the water reclaimer, oxygenator, and atmospheric regulator. If any of them break and I can't fix them, I die. Fortunately, I'm a mechanical engineer so I can fix almost anything and I have the schematics which helps. I also need to check the cameras. There are no windows in the Hab. It's a canvas dome after all, and we didn't have any clear plastic that met the needs for UV resistance. We also don't have transparent aluminum yet. Yeah, I'm a Star Trek geek, get over it. So we have cameras set up all around the site that feed to the computers in here. I need to make sure they're still working. I don't remember if they went through the communications array or not, with my luck they probably did.

I have backups for several other things, for example, I have six laptops. There wasn't time to pack them before the emergency evac. Fortunately we each had one on Hermes too, so the crew is fine on computers too. Everyone had changed into their launch EVA suits, so that's the one with the hole in it. I can try and repair the hole, probably should. Anyway, that means I have my surface EVA suit and everyone else's. Martinez was checking on the MAV when it happened and the policy is that anytime you're working with the MAV you have to be in your EVA suit. It may seem redundant to have two different suits but those poor Apollo astronauts struggled with surface duties in their EVA suits on the moon. Since then, new suits have been developed that are more body-conforming and less bulky, though still heavy and pressurized, so they're still not easy to work in by any means.

All EVA suits come in small or large, just like the ISS and ISS2 EVA suits, meaning some of them are fitted a little tighter and some a little looser. I can't use Johanssen's suit but I can use her helmet if I need to. Being the only one left means I also can use all of the CO2 filters for the suits. About 1500 hours, at a NASA-safe max 8-hour EVA that will last 187 and half days, which sounds like a lot but I'm going to be here for four years. I'll have to find a way to drive to Schiaparelli Crater to meet Ares IV so I need to start being conservative with those filters now.

Yeah, no sooner than I did that calculation, it hit me we don't have 1500 hours of filters. That's what we started with, but we all did EVAs in the six sols everyone was here. Not doing the exact math right now, but I'm going to estimate 170 EVAs worth of filters left, maybe less. Every trip outside is going to have to count for something. I can't be wandering outside just to be out of the Hab. I'll have to be smart about my planning to minimize time. I can use the filters for more than the recommended time. There is a "yellow" zone that we weren't supposed to need but I can use it if necessary on trips just to the rover and back so I maximize their use. I also might be able to find a way to clean them, but I'll see.

First things first, I have to plan how to survive from now until Ares IV, and possibly longer, because knowing the US government, they could easily postpone or cancel the trip. More likely postpone because it is already in the budget and the equipment, ie the MDV and MAV, are already built. Hell, the MAV is already here. Martinez landed it when we got into orbit. So postponement is most likely, but they won't want to waste what's already been sent. Supplies for Ares IV should be starting to launch soon; some of them may have already. They don't worry about launching all of them during the HTW, that's Hohmann Transfer Window for the uninitiated. The HTW is the window that allows for the shortest time travel between Earth and Mars. Anyway, there are just too many supply probes to do it that way. Easier to launch them once a month or so.

After the Apollo 1 fire, there was a break of just over a year and a half. Apollo 14 was pushed back three months after 13. After Challenger, it was 32 months, after Columbia; it was over two years till the shuttle flew again. So it's highly likely that it could be five or even six years before a crew lands.

Yeah, I need to take another break.

Log entry Sol 8 (3)

No worries, I didn't break anything or even throw anything. I just wandered around the Hab in circles. It's a dome after all. Four years was bad enough to think about but five or six, and let's be honest it's probably six if they postpone because they'll still want to launch during a Hohmann Transfer window. Even with the nuclear reactor powering Hermes, it's always a good idea to shorten the trip, and the HTW puts us in closer orbits making the trip to Mars shorter.

So I need enough food to possibly last me six years and I need to decide when I'm going to go to Schiaparelli. It would be easier if I could find a way to get in contact with NASA but I have no idea how to do that, so I'll start with food. Gotta take this one step at a time and immediate survival is my primary concern. Time to start brainstorming and cataloging.

Log entry Sol 9

So I'm a botanist. Yeah, it seems crazy to bring a botanist to Mars, nothing grows here. Lack of atmosphere and water makes that difficult, basically impossible. Well, we brought along a small container of soil from Earth, it's not enough to grow anything by itself, but the idea was to see if we could mix it with Martian dirt and create plantable soil. I can still do that. The problem is our food is freeze-dried so I can't plant it. I have grass and ferns to try and grow in the Martian/Earth mix, and as far as I know, they're edible though that wasn't the point of them, and I doubt they would have enough calories to keep me alive. I need to go through the food supplies anyway and get a good inventory but in the meantime, I'm going to bring in a batch of Mars dirt and sprinkle the soil over it. I just need to figure out how to fertilize it.

I had a long conversation with Elon Musk about growing food on Mars before we launched. We had a launch party two weeks before launch and because of NASA's collaboration with SpaceX, Musk is invited to all the parties.

I'm the first botanist sent to Mars. Ares I and II concentrated on geology, meteorology, chemistry, and health in low gravity. Botany was added for Ares III and IV.

While Musk didn't achieve being the first to send astronauts to Mars, he's still planning on being the first to start a colony. So he cornered me. Yeah, imagine that, being cornered by Elon Musk to be questioned about botany. My head was spinning and not from the drink in my hand.

I was truly shocked at how involved he still is in the mission planned for Space X. Probably shouldn't have been, as Mars has been his goal since he founded the company.

He's probably already moved on to Taylor Michaels from the Ares IV crew. Yeah, NASA already has that crew assigned. Actually, to make things easier in the Ares program, the next crew is the backup for the current mission. Back in the Apollo days, the backup crew was the prime crew three missions later. Once the shuttle missions started, entire backup crews didn't necessarily stay together for prime missions because the requirements for each mission were so different. Ares is more like Apollo in that the mission profiles are pretty similar. However, with a two-year mission time, that means astronauts could be back up and then wait another four years before their mission flies; that's eight years from first starting training 'til the end of a mission. There are still missions to the ISS2 during that time as well but the astronauts chosen for Mars have to pass a slightly different set of tests.

All that to say we did a lot of training with the IV crew, and also with the II crew although with II my only duties were mechanical engineering. We all have multiple jobs for a reason and it's not just because the crew size is limited. Just one person could be replaced or a whole crew if need be, though it hasn't happened yet for Ares.

Anyway, Musk was telling me about what his botany department has been planning, and offering me a job when I return. He also wanted to compare my plan for the experiments with plants on this mission with what his botany team was planning for their colony.

Log entry sol 9 (2)

Fertilizer… yeah I figured it out and I'm gonna gag, though I refuse to puke, but it should work. I'll reconstitute the desiccated feces and use it. Not normally recommended, too many things could go wrong. There are so many illnesses that could result from it, but I'm in a situation that's way past normal so… I have to do whatever I can to survive, even if it means farming in my own shit, and other people's. I just won't think about how I fertilized the potatoes while I'm eating them.

I'll also skip removing the moisture any time I poop from now and just add it to the fertilizer. Fun...