Log entry Sol 267
I took the blanket fort down today. Not sure why. I just felt like I was done with it. I did store the stuff close by though so I can put it up again if I want. You never know when I'm going to feel like hiding from all the plants. Other than that, there is absolutely nothing going on, which is a total shock I'm sure.
Log entry Sol 271
I heard voices today. I was in my bunk and I could have sworn I heard Beck and Martinez talking in the mess, but I looked over and there was no one there. Then when I was in the bathroom, Lewis was grumbling about Johanssen not getting out of bed on time. Again I looked, and no one was there.
This is not a good thing. I can't lose it like this. It was perfectly quiet when I heard the voices too; it's not like I was playing Beck's lectures or some other tv show or movie. I can't access anyone else's logs: video, audio, or written. I think Beck was the only one who could do that and even he wouldn't take advantage of it unless it was determined to be necessary by someone acting strangely, and only with permission from NASA and Dr. Shields. Shit, even then they'd probably have Shields read or watch them first. They don't want to sow any seeds of distrust in their crews.
So my head is starting to finally play games with me. And I still have over three years left on this damned planet. Will I have any sanity left when they get here? Will I be able to even get to Schiapparelli?
I have to. There is no other way. I have to make it there.
Log entry Sol 277
Voices again today, and things were moved around. Am I starting to have blackouts? What the hell is going on?
Log entry Sol 284
No voices since the last time, but that doesn't mean I'm any less worried. Just trying to keep myself more occupied, so it stays that way.
Log entry Sol 300
Another round number, yay. Today just isn't a good day. Not sure why; it's not any different than any other day. No new challenges, nothing has broken, I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I probably could. It's not like anyone is going to know if I do. I just feel like I'm not doing anything, not accomplishing anything. Why the hell am I even still here? What is the frigging point in hanging on? Seriously, everyone already thinks I'm dead so why fight that? I know, I know, I should keep fighting for my parents and friends, to try and make it back to them. If they found out someday I didn't die when they thought I did they'd be devastated, but they're so far away and I don't even know if I'll ever see them again. Sometimes it's just easier to not think about it, but I can't today. Today my brain just keeps asking why? And did I ever even really contribute anything worthwhile to the world? Will I be remembered for anything other than dying on Mars, which I haven't even done yet? Should I just do that? I mean what's the damned point? I should eat. I haven't done that yet. Not that a potato is gonna make me feel any better, but not eating makes me feel worse so I'll do that, and then, I don't know, I'll find something to do.
Log entry Sol 300 (2)
Sitting in my bunk staring out at the big empty Hab, not empty really because I have my farm, but other than that it's so empty. I don't know if I ever recorded it in the logs that I removed the partitions that separated the "bedroom," mess, and lab areas. The only ones left are around the bathroom because even being the only one here, it felt odd to have that open to the room. My plants reap the rewards of my bathroom use but they don't need to watch me use it.
I am losing it, aren't I? I feel like my plants are watching me. I'd stop talking to them but it's good for them, studies are proving that, or at least that's the reason that I'm going to keep using it.
Log entry Sol something, I'll look it up in a bit, or not. 3?
I've been bad about keeping logs. I guess that's better than not knowing at all. You know I sat down here to type a log entry and I don't remember what it was about. Yeah, that's not good. I should probably be updating my logs more regularly, like every day even if it's super boring, just a report of what I did that day. You know: woke up, checked on the solar cells, worked on my farm, checked the water level, and watched crappy seventies tv. Read Agatha Christie again… Never mind, I tried that already and bored myself to the point of quitting again. Of course, that means I really should just be trying to make my days more interesting.
Oh, that's it! I was thinking maybe I should write a novel of my own about a mystery on Mars or I could try again to write a crappy sitcom about a bunch of astronauts on Mars. I don't have paper so I'll have to type it. Gotta decide which one to do first. Honestly, there probably is a mystery on Mars book somewhere in the pantheon of literature, but that doesn't mean I can't write my own.
The sitcom should be more fun though, and while there are tons of sci-fi television shows and occasionally they have funny moments, there aren't any sitcoms… Well yeah, there's the Orville. Damn, I'd forgotten about that, still, that was about a ship in space. It was the comedic version of Star Trek. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't come at me for comparing them. Everyone did it when the show came out. Yes, it's good on its own, but the comparison is still there. Besides, I did try that already and it was beyond crappy, not that I couldn't try again. It wasn't that long ago that I tried, how could l have forgotten already? Just another sign of my losing it.
Back to the scriptwriting. I suppose I could change it up and make a mystery tv show. Something like Murder She Wrote but set in a Mars colony instead of on Earth, or maybe a Moon colony. I haven't been there but I could try it. Or maybe make it more futuristic and set it in a colony on a space station. Something like the rings surrounding Earth in 3001 the worst of the Space Odyssey books. Look I love 2001, 2010 wasn't bad, and even 2061 wasn't bad but 3001 was just bizarre. It was so disjointed. All that said, I've even read it more than once. The idea of rings in geosynchronous orbit connected to Earth by space elevators is awesome! I could maybe play with that.
Not sure why I keep thinking about that. I'm not a writer. I think my one effort at the sitcom proved that. It was beyond horrible. That's why I stopped writing.
Still, I gotta do something to keep myself occupied, something besides writing up my research and findings about growing plants on Mars, which I've done and I keep adding to it. I've gotten all the samples we were supposed to collect and analyzed them, both rock and dirt or sand. I don't dare use the rovers anymore unless necessary to avoid using up all of the CO2 scrubbers.
On the fun side, I've watched all of Lewis's shows. I've read all of Johanssen's books. I even attempted to read Beck's medical journals but they just put me to sleep. Well some of them do. I do like science and will read articles on medicine depending on how they're written. Some of the stuff Chris brought along is seriously dry reading. I don't know how he reads them unless he uses them to go to sleep.
I'm still working my way through Vogel's shows and movies. I don't watch them as often. I just don't understand enough German and it's tiring to make up stories about what's happening. All the more reason why a book or tv show script is probably not a good idea for me. Or maybe it is. If coming up with stories is tiring to me, I should do something to exercise my brain.
Time to build a house of cards and see how tall I can make it before it falls over. It's like I stepped into a time machine to March of 2020. High school from home was so much fun #sarcasm. At least then I could go out in my backyard to my garden without having to climb into a bulky spacesuit. Outside without a spacesuit, damn I miss being able to do that. Yeah cards, off to build a house of cards. Maybe I'll take a picture and add it to the logs later.
Log entry Sol 327 (the last one was 325 not going back to fix it though because that's not how I roll)
I've spent two days trying to build the perfect house of cards. Well, I spent two hours trying to build the perfect house of cards plus the next day and change trying to just make a decent one. I know it can be done. I've seen it in the past and not just Snoopy doing it in the Peanuts cartoons and the comics. I know it's possible. The table is flat enough. I thought maybe it was too smooth, so I pulled a sheet from the cabinet. I've stopped sleeping with them because it's so warm in here for the plants. I put the sheet on the table to make the baseless smooth and slippery. Yeah, that didn't help at all. I just suck at card houses, so back to solitaire I go. Wish I knew more than one type of solitaire game. Maybe I should make up my own. Nah, not sure I can do that either.
Log entry Sol 336
Checking the sol dates has me watching the Earth calendar a little more closely too, and guess what? It's my birthday, so I'm having one of the meal packs I set aside. No damned potatoes or green beans for me today. Well, not for all three meals anyway. This time last year we celebrated on Hermes. The crew decorated our main living area and we had a freeze-dried pound cake. It was pretty awesome to have a birthday in space. Now, not so much. Still real food for a change, that's worth celebrating. Now if only I could let my parents know I'm still alive. Then again it's better that I can't, considering how long I'll be stuck here still and the high likelihood of still dying. I don't want them to suffer more no matter how much I want contact with someone.
Log entry Sol 339
Soju is still getting underfoot, and I just can't take it anymore. I came up with a solution though. I made him a leash from a narrow strip of extra Hab canvas. When I'm working on the "farm," I have him tied to a cabinet so he can't get in my way. I first thought about putting him in an airlock but decided if I'm going to pretend he's a dog, he has to have a leash. Now to make him a collar and name tag.
Log entry Sol 349
I woke up this morning thinking we're getting closer and closer to the crew making it back to Earth wondering what day it is there because I haven't bothered to check since my birthday. Decided to do the math and it's Halloween. I must have a sixth sense for these things. This makes two holidays when I checked the date back home on the actual day just on a whim. I think I'll find my biggest potato and make a spud o'lantern. Sounds stupid I know, but why not? Then I can spend the rest of the day remembering every horror movie and Halloween special I can. That should keep me occupied for a little while anyway.
Log entry Sol 349 (2)
The plants seemed to enjoy It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. I didn't want to just replay it in my head so I told the story to my plants. I should talk to them more. Yes, I'm talking to the plants. There have been dozens if not hundreds of studies done on the effects of talking to plants. Even if there weren't, who else am I going to talk to? Don't judge me!
I've got to keep my voice working somehow, and talking to myself or my plants are the only two options I have. At least if I'm talking to my plants, it seems a bit less crazy, you know, because of the scientific studies about the benefits to the plants. People do it all the time so it's not just me.
Now to tell my plants another story. Hmm, I don't want to do any horror movies, though some of the old ones wouldn't be too bad. Oh, I know! Garfield! That's it. I love that show. My parents had to buy it for me on DVD because it aired once on tv when I was a kid. I loved it but they stopped showing it on tv and they were tired of trying to find it on YouTube each year.
Log entry Sol 349 (3)
Garfield's Halloween may not have been such a good idea. I could swear some of the plants began to wilt when the ghost pirates came. Then again, I could just be going crazy and seeing things. Wouldn't be the first time. Not sure seeing things is any better than hearing voices, but at least I can check the plants.
I know there was a Winnie the Pooh Halloween but I can't remember it and though I can remember a ton of the segments from Simpson's Treehouse of Horror episodes, I don't think that's such a good idea. I have a feeling those would scare the plants too.
Log entry Sol 350
Halloween is over, which means it's Christmas season, right? Yeah, I know, Thanksgiving happens first, but back home on Earth, so many people start decorating and watching Christmas shows as soon as they take down their Halloween decorations. Well in the States anyway. Mom was bad about it, wanting to start on November 1st. Dad usually could talk her into waiting until at least the weekend before Thanksgiving. They probably didn't even decorate last year. I wonder if Karen took my presents. Maybe she saved them and when I finally get back I can give them to them myself. I wonder if that even was still her job as my liaison after I "died", maybe someone else would have done that. I have no idea. In the meantime, I could tell those stories to the plants. First I suppose I should tell them about Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving and then Garfield's. Garfield's Thanksgiving isn't scary like the Halloween one, so it should be fine.
Log entry Sol 359
The Hermes should be almost home. I'm not sure exactly when they re-enter Earth's orbit because sols are drifting by at this point but I know it's soon. I hope you guys make it back safe and that NASA takes it easy on you during the debrief. It's bad enough that you all think I'm dead, but hopefully, by now you've had time to process and grieve. Plus, the debrief is gonna bring it all up again.
Why the hell didn't we have some sort of vehicle that could ascend and descend to Mars more than once? Six days of a mission was all we got, well all they got. That seems like a massive waste of money. Not to mention how dumb is it that they sent the MAV two years ahead with no way to guarantee it wouldn't tip before we got here. I mean, ok, they could see if it was still standing before we took off but what if a storm hit while we were in flight and we couldn't land? If we had something like that, they could have taken off for safety and then come back down and they would have found me alive. Or if the MAV somehow were able to be anchored to the ground as soon as it landed with some sort of drill bits in the landing struts that could be activated upon landing that would hold it down.
Sure, now I think of these ideas, and now I have to live long enough to share them with the eggheads at NASA. I know, I know, someone is probably already thinking about things like this. It's always a failure of imagination that gets us. Supposedly that's what Frank Borman told the Congressional hearing after the Apollo 1 crew died on the landing pad in a freaking routine test.
And that failure of imagination is still a problem. Though honestly, I can't fault NASA, in any situation no one can think of every possible outcome. With so many factors it's not feasible.