Log entry Sol 403
So apparently there's a show back home called the Watney Report where they track what I'm doing and report it to the world. Yeah, where's the tinfoil I need to make a hat. Big Brother, all the big brothers, are watching me. It sounds like I'm becoming paranoid and obsessed with tinfoil hats. I swear it's all a joke or is it? No, it is. Still, you know, knowing everyone is watching me and watching a show dedicated to watching me creeps me out just a little.
I suppose it could be worse. At least they can only see me when I'm outside. So they don't see me in the Hab in my boxers performing interpretive dance to Lewis's disco and Johannson's Beatles collection to get my potatoes to grow. It's a great low-impact exercise. The potatoes seem to prefer the Beatles to the disco, and so do I. So that works. Soju on the other hand…
You think I'm doing that don't you? You think I've lost my marbles that bad? Ok, I see how it is and no, I'm not going to tell you if it's true or which Beatles song is my favorite to dance to. Man, you are gullible and I am a little bit crazy, always have been. I mean come on, I voluntarily got into a spacecraft on top of a missile and rode it into space.
So anyway, they want me to answer some questions for the show. Of course, I could record and send videos with my answers for them to play, but then they'd have to see me and we all agree that's a bad idea. I have a mirror. I know how bad I look. I should probably shave, but then you'd see how much weight I've lost in my face. Right now you can only see it by my loose clothes. Well, you can't see it but I can.
Anyway, it was decided not to scare the people back home so typing it will be... Yay… that was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell. I even raised my sarcasm hand when I typed that. What is a sarcasm hand? Oh, just a little joke from a former sarcastic book blogger back in the twenty-teens. Damn, I'm old. I doubt anyone even knows that joke anymore, including the people that read that sarcastic book blog. I wonder if you could still find it on the interwebs. I could use a good laugh. Maybe I should ask someone to find it, download it, and send it to me. On second thought, I won't. So on to the first question.
What are you doing?
Are they serious about this? I mean come on, I'm trying to survive on a deserted planet that's out to kill me. Well, that and my stupidity, by farming in my crap. Until a few weeks ago, I didn't even know if anyone knew I was alive or was going to come and get me. Even now that they know that I'm here, there isn't much they can do to help me. Instead, they're "looking over my shoulder" and judging what I do, which is annoying as hell. I mean, do they think they know better? I am after all the smartest man on the planet. Hell, I'm a resident of the planet, and as the first resident, so I'm declaring myself King! Yep, I'm the King of Mars and there ain't nothin' you chumps can do about it, nah? Yes, I'm sticking my tongue out at you. So there!
Um yeah, don't know where that came from, but whatever. Have to tone down that answer before I send it back or the nannies at NASA will get pissy. Not like they can do anything to me but leave me here, which they already did, and if they did, my Mom'll have something to say about it. So I'd like to see them try. Ok, what am I, five again? I finally got in contact with Earth again just in time to go off the deep end.
Yeah, I'll come back to that question. So next:
Tell us about Mars
Ow, ow, ow. I think my eyes just tried to roll out of my head. Tell us about Mars, what you've never heard of the internet? Wikipedia had a kick-ass page on Mars last I checked, ummm, like a year and a half ago. NASA has a whole section of their site dedicated to this planet, and yet I'm supposed to answer. Oh I know I'm supposed to talk about how beautiful it is and all that, but it's trying to kill me for crying out loud.
Fine, this one I can answer but they're getting a science lesson and not poetry, and they can damn well deal with it.
It's Mars you know, a big ball of red dirt with no atmosphere, a quarter of the gravity of Earth, which means when I go outside, I tend to bunny hop around a lot like the Moon astronauts did. My days are longer than yours, twenty-four hours and thirty-seven minutes, which is a hell of a thing to get used to. Some days I'm whacked out and confused trying to figure out what the hell time it is back in Houston, I don't even bother trying to figure out what day it is. On other days it's the perfect excuse to sleep in an extra half hour. Seriously between the longer day and the six hundred and eighty-seven sol year, I had no idea what day it was back on Earth before I got in contact with them again unless I took the time to sit down and do the calculations. Most of the time I just didn't bother.
So more about Mars… well the temp is an average of negative eighty-one degrees Fahrenheit or negative sixty-three for those who use the Celsius scale. It can get as low as negative two hundred and eighty-four Fahrenheit or negative one hundred and forty celsius. It's a good thing the Hab has nice strong heaters. I hope they don't break. I don't want to freeze to death and be an astrocicle. I also don't want to have to live in the rover full-time. It was bad enough when I spent twenty days getting Pathfinder. Living full-time in the rover won't work long-term unless I can get the "big three" inside. The big three? That's the oxygenator, the water reclaimer, and the atmospheric regulator. I really should make a plan for that, probably go ahead and just make one. Guess I can ask the smart people back at NASA to help. It would be better to have it done just in case.
Damn, got off track again, sorry. So Mars, yeah, I was talking about temperature. The high here in these parts is eighty-six Fahrenheit or thirty Celsius, which is a nice summer day back in Chicago. In Houston, at that temp, it would also be crazy sticky from humidity, so it would feel hotter.
Anyway, if I didn't wear a suit, I could work on my tan, which with the lack of atmosphere, would be a really bad idea, and not just because I'd suffocate from the air being pulled from my lungs. My body would swell up and I'd lose consciousness. On top of all of that whole list, if that miraculously didn't happen, I'd end up with skin cancer for sure from the UV rays, and probably a dozen other types of cancer as well. So yeah, I'm not gonna do that. I may be going a little crazy, but I'm not stupid.
Ok other facts about Mars. Well, I weigh less here, and not just because I've been eating nothing but potatoes, green beans, and green bean leaves for months, but because for every one hundred pounds on Earth, you only weigh thirty-eight pounds here. It still means the equipment is heavy but not unmanageable.
Not the answer you were looking for? Tough…You're not going to be happy with just the scientific answer, are you? I have to give you the philosophical or poetic answer.
Fine, I'll try. Mars is...well it's Mars. It's lonely and cold and the biggest challenge I've ever faced in my life, possibly the biggest challenge anyone has ever faced.
The trip to Pathfinder was scary, but also totally cool. There is just something about knowing that every step you take is one no one else has taken. Being the first person to travel that far, to live on Mars, to be here so long. It's all cool but it's also no consolation when I'm still alone. At least now I can communicate with people again.
Ok, that's enough for today. I'll go back and answer the first one later, or not, but it's gonna wait no matter what.
Log entry sol 404
Back to the stupid questions and no, I'm not doing the first one yet. I may just send what I wrote in my last log and let Annie edit it. She'll be pissed, but she also knows just how dumb these questions are. I'm honestly shocked she let someone even send them to me, except they do call for bland safe answers so that's probably why. She can make that up from what I wrote already. Then again, Shields will also use it as an opportunity to psychoanalyze me, not that that matters right now because it's not like anyone can remove me from duty if she decides I'm nuts. Whatever, next question.
How do you feel about the rest of your time on Mars? Is there anything you're anxious about? Anything you're looking forward to?
Jesus everloving… You have got to be kidding me. I know the saying is there are no dumb questions but everyone knows that's a load of bull. Whoever sent me these questions had to have learned that in journalism school. Then again, with questions like this, this person never went to journalism school. I'm anxious about everything. This planet is one giant death trap, remember? What am I looking forward to? Eating something other than potatoes and green beans, seeing people again, Earth. You know the obvious answers DUH!
Let's see how bad the last question is.
Do you have any words of wisdom or juicy secrets you can share with us?
I just can't. Annie, I'm betting you're really glad this isn't a live interview or even a recorded one.
Ok. Words of Wisdom - How about don't get stranded on a dead planet millions of miles from the nearest human.
Juicy gossip - Well since they're back on Earth and not technically part of the same crew anymore because even though I'm still here, Ares III is over. I'm on a mission of my own now, and if NASA says that's not right, well I disagree so I'm gonna share. Are you ready? Nah, maybe I shouldn't… hmmm but if I don't, I don't know that he'll ever get up the nerve to say anything himself. Then again I don't want to screw anything up for my friends and their careers, but like I said they're done with their part of the mission so… Ok you twisted my arm.
Dr. Bossy Beck has a major thing for nerd goddess Johanssen. Well, Lewis also has an unhealthy obsession with disco. She really should see someone about that. You know Dr. Shields, I know you're reading this, you should probably check in on her. She may still be suffering from going for nearly a year without her data stick filled with disco. Then again since the transfer rate to Hermes is so much better, she probably got it all back. Still, you should check on her. So yeah Lewis and disco, and Beck is crazy about Johanssen. That's pretty much it in the juicy gossip arena. Though I still suspect Vogel of being a secret supervillain, I have no proof, yet. I'm still working my way through his files, which would be a lot easier if I knew German. So if someone could send me Rosetta Stone lessons in German, I'd appreciate it. It would give me something more to do with my time.
Ok, time to transfer all of those answers to an email to Annie and prepare for her pissy reply, not that I blame her, and hey, it livens things up around here.
Log entry Sol 404 (2)
Damn it, I was copying the answers over and realized I skipped one. UGH yeah, more stupidity with only more to follow I'm sure. Nope, this one's gonna have to wait. That's all there is to it. I'm sending the ones I already answered and they can wait for the last one. Sorry, Annie.
Annie opened the file attached to the email and began reading. As she read she grumbled, swore, typed notes on her phone, and occasionally laughed. Finished reading, she slid her laptop aside and pressed the intercom button on her phone.
"Let Melody know I need to see her in her office ASAP, please."
"Yes, Ms. Montrose," came the voice of her assistant.
The public relations director reread her notes, printed the file, and forwarded the email to the key personnel.
"Ms. Montrose, Ms. Astor can see you in ten minutes."
"I'm on my way. Please contact Mission Control and have somebody send Mitch Henderson up to the director's office as well."
"Yes ma'am."
As she walked Annie dialed a number in her phone.
"What do you need now?" Venkat asked as a greeting.
"I'm going to talk to Melody and Mitch and I need you in on the meeting."
He sighed, "What's Mark done now?"
"Check your email."
"Fine, but I'll have to put you on speakerphone."
"I hate that," she grumbled.
"You're about to do it to me in the meeting right?"
"Not the same thing," Annie replied.
"It is and you know it."
"Whatever."
As she arrived in the director's outer office, she heard Venkat begin to chuckle. By the time she'd been shown into the office and greeted by Melody, he was laughing wholeheartedly.
"I asked Mitch to join us," Annie told the director, "and I have Venkat on the phone here. As soon as he stops cackling like a loon, I'll put him on speakerphone."
Mitch came in a moment later. "What is so damned important that I had to leave my station in the middle of my shift?"
"We need to talk about Mark," Annie said simply.
"And it couldn't wait?" Mitch asked.
"We had to do it when Melody was available and that was now," Annie defended herself.
"Where's Venkat then?" asked the flight director.
Annie held up her phone. "Hold on just a second." She tapped the screen and set the phone down. "Venk, are you calm now?"
"I'm fine, but if you're heated about this then I think we should be worried about you."
"You don't see the problem?"
Melody held a hand up. "Annie, please explain what's going on. What do you need our assistance with?
"Cathy has been asking me since we regained contact with Mark to send him questions she can read on the show. I waited as long as I could, but I finally ran out of reasons not to send them to him."
"Did you preview the questions?" Melody inquired.
"I did. They were very simple, easy-to-answer questions."
"Which is why you got the responses you did from Mark?" Venkat put in.
"Where did you see the answers?" Mitch demanded.
"She emailed them to us."
"Am I to assume you're concerned about releasing Mark's answers as he composed them," Melody asked Annie.
"Yes," Annie began.
"Mark answered as anyone who knows him would expect him to answer, sarcastically," Venkat said. "Completely tongue in cheek. Anyone with half a brain will know that, but Annie's worried about the people without half a brain causing issues for us."
At this point, Mitch began guffawing as he held his phone out to Melody so she could read the response about the juicy gossip.
Annie grimaced.
Wiping tears from his eyes Mitch said, "I'd go with the Lewis disco obsession but Beck could use a little push. It's obvious to just about everyone except Johanssen, though she has it bad for him too, so if you want to give them both a push."
"Not a bad idea," Venkat agreed.
"Can we please concentrate here?" Annie growled. "These answers cannot go out to the public like this. One of you has to make Mark behave."
"Annie," Melody asked softly, "when was the last time you had a day off? Or more than one?"
"I'm fine," the public relations director waved her hand in the air.
"You've been working incredibly hard since this news broke," Melody said.
"No harder than anyone else," Annie argued.
Mitch shook his head, "None of us have to deal with the press daily."
"Multiple times a day," Venkat added. "You're doing a great job, but you have to maintain calm when the rest of us have a chance to blow off steam. You know Mark, Annie. You've met him. You've helped him prep for interviews. You've talked to Irene about his current mental state. He's not doing this to get you. He's the only one under more stress right now than you are and this is how he's handling it. We don't have to release these answers. They were sent in an email and emails are not part of the public domain release regs. They are considered private communication. We can ask him to try again, although I think the second answer is fine. Why don't you designate someone in your department to handle the editing or hand it off to one of the astronauts? You'll still have final approval before it goes out."
"Just don't use an Ares III astronaut," Mitch suggested. "I'd go with someone from the I or II crews"
"I can do it myself," Annie insisted.
Melody stood and moved around the desk to sit next to the other woman. "You have to delegate. You had a hand in choosing most of your staff, correct?"
"Yes."
"And you trained them yourself or at least oversaw their training in NASA protocols?"
"Yes."
"So you know they're competent," Melody assured her.
"You also organized and oversaw all of the press training for the astronauts," Venkat pointed out. "You can pick the one you trust most."
"It's time to take a step back and start letting others pick up the work again. We all appreciate the job you've done keeping the positive news out there and fighting the bad press. Now, you deserve a break. I suggest a week somewhere far away, where you'll be completely cut off from all communication other than a basic telephone, if that," the NASA director said. "You schedule the trip. I'm pre approving the time off. Just let us know who we should be talking to in the meantime and who'll be taking over press briefings."
"I don't need a vacation," Annie argued.
"It's not up for debate. Book it and spare no expense. We can cover it if you need us to. You're due a bonus for all your work in the past month or more," Melody informed her.
"Take it, Annie. She's right, you need a vacation," Venkat agreed.
"You need one more than I do!" Annie retorted.
Before he could respond, Melody continued, "Venkat is next, and then Mitch and each of the astronauts, especially the Ares III crew. I'd love to send them all off at once but I don't imagine they'll agree to that."
"Not in a million years," Mitch replied. "The only reason I will leave for a week is we don't have any active flights right now under my watch."
"I'll take it," Venkat declared, "and I'd suggest you send Bruce Ng off for a week as well. Then he can start sending the Pathfinder staff."
"Excellent idea," Melody observed. "Annie?"
The younger woman sighed, "Fine. I'll take a trip but if all hell breaks out while I'm gone from one of his answers, I'm not taking the blame and reserve the right to say 'I told you so'."
"Understood," the director laughed. "Now how about you let me handle this first set of questions and answers? It should be more fun than most of my work. Mark does have a way with words."
Log entry Sol 405
Ok, well answering the question right now is probably a much better idea than talking to NASA and the nanny botanists that seem to think they know better about my crops that I've been growing for nearly a year of their time than I do. You know me, Mark Watney, the best botanist on the planet. I wouldn't want to get in trouble for telling them to do inappropriate things to themselves, and boy would I like to.
Tell us a favorite memory, one you think of when you need cheering up.
Much as I want to gripe, this one isn't bad because I do spend a lot of time reflecting. I'm sure everyone expects me to have some big holiday or birthday story, or something about plants, and don't get me wrong, I have great memories from all of those, especially alternating between stargazing and looking at my night-blooming garden. It's not a vacation memory either, and some of those are hilarious but my dad might have a cow if I shared any of them.
No, I think my favorite memory, the one I think of most often, would have to be just eating dinner with my parents on Sunday nights growing up. That was the one night we were all there and often all three of us helped make dinner. I remember being really little standing on a stool, helping my mom "smash" potatoes with her old grandmother's old potato masher...don't think I'll ever do that again, sorry Mom. Maybe we should make sweet potatoes or cauliflower. They're healthier anyway right?
Done. All those questions are done. I'm sure more will follow. I hope these were actually from a reporter and not some elementary school class or I just got nasty for no reason… Nope, they're from a reporter. I went back and checked the email from Annie. I could deal with questions like this from some ten-year-old but otherwise, they're just annoying and stupid.
I'm kind of shocked they didn't ask Mars any questions. I mean come on, Mars is the other main character in the largest news story of the year, maybe the decade might end up being the whole century. No matter which, Mars deserves to have a say. Hmm, I could do that for them. I could interview Mars and then I could even send the interview along with my answers.
Mark: Hey Mars.
Mars: Yes Mark?
Mark: I have a few questions for you, from Earth. *wink wink*
Mars: Um, I don't think so.
Mark: Nope, sorry, not an option if I have to answer stupid questions so do you.
*Mars just rolled its metaphorical eyes at me you guys, I swear it did. I could feel it.*
Mark: So tell us about yourself. What has made you so unpleasant?
Mars: Are you serious right now?
Mark: That's what she said.
Mars: Yeah we're done here
Mark: Hell no we're not, get your ass back here. Oh, wait you can't go anywhere because you're a planet, and I'm living on you.
Mars: Yeah, thanks for that.
Mark: You want me to leave you alone, then answer the stupid questions.
Mars: Fine, geez. So why am I so unpleasant? Um, I'm a planet, you know the red one, the fourth one from the sun, so not in the habitable zone. Most of the atmosphere I did have burned off years ago. You already filled them in on the sols being longer than days and my year being longer right?
Mark: Sure did
Mars: So what's there left to say? Time, I guess. Time made me unpleasant. Time and my placement, my orbit in the solar system.
Mark: Next question: Mark is pretty frustrated with you and all that you've done. Would you like to share your side of the story?
Mars: You are an idiot. How in the hell are you still alive?
Mark: Botany powers.
*It did it again, Mars rolled its eyes at me, I can feel it, I'm telling you.*
Mars: I have no eyes, you moron. What the hell happened to NASA's requirements that they sunk so low you got chosen?
Mark: You truly are an unpleasant planet
Mars: Bet I'm still better than all the others except Earth.
Mark: Maybe, you gonna answer the question?
Mars: Ugh if it will get you to shut up. At least half of your problems are your own damned fault. Yours and NASA's and a lack of planning.
Mark: Can't deny that
Mars: No you can't. I never asked to be explored. I mean the rovers were one thing because at least they didn't blame me when they quit working or things got tough. The mini helicopter/drone was fine. But then you people had to show up and start whining.
Mark: Are you saying I complain?
Mars: All the damned time! I get it, you're alone and for a long time you didn't know if anyone knew you were alive but come on man, sometimes you gotta just stop talking. It's like all you do, talk, and tell stupid jokes then laugh at them like a lunatic. You've got issues is what I'm saying.
Mark: I'll keep that in mind but just so you know, it isn't going to happen. I'm going to talk until I die or leave, whichever comes first.
Mars: Didn't think you'd stop. I'm not that lucky.
Mark: So last question
Mars: Thank the stars
Mark: Anyone ever tell you you're a smart ass?
Mars: Well you are and you're the one talking for me, so yeah.
Mark: Good point. So again I say, last question: Have you got any more nasty tricks up your sleeve that you haven't pulled yet?
Mars: Me no, but things happen. There could be another windstorm or the sun could send out a solar flare. Who knows? None of it is under my control. I'm just here existing.
Mark: Well thank you for your time. Any final words?
Mars: F U Watney
Mark: F U too Mars.
Ummm, I just looked at the clock and I spent the last half hour "interviewing" Mars. I'm losing it. I probably should schedule a time to consult with Dr. Shields. I don't want to. Will they still want to rescue a crazy astronaut? Not that they have a choice at this point. Mom would never let them leave me here, even if she had to climb aboard a spacecraft and come get me herself. Now there's a terrifying thought, my mother, an astronaut. Don't think I'll share that one with anyone else. I also think I'll skip sending this "interview" along with my logs, just to be safe.
Log entry Sol 406
Shit, shit, shit. I just copied and pasted my answer to the last question and I accidentally copied my Mars interview too. I didn't realize it until after I'd sent it. They're going to think I've cracked.
Well, I suppose that could lead to them trying to speed up getting back here to rescue me before I get so crazy it's not worth it anymore.
Yeah, I'm gonna be getting an email from Shields.
"Irene, I need you to look at this," Annie declared as she entered the doctor's office.
"Aren't you supposed to be leaving for vacation?" Irene asked.
"How do you know that? How does everyone know that already? Did Melody put out an all-staff email I missed? Never mind. I don't want to know. Here," she shoved a paper in the other woman's hand. "Mark just sent us this and I don't think he meant to. I'm not worrying about it. I'm just handing it off to you so you can deal with it. You can tell me all about it when I get back. Now I'm leaving. Thanks!"
Irene stared as the media director left her office, then jumped when she popped her head back in.
"Oh," Annie said, "Melody will probably want to talk to you about that as well. Bye."
The doctor sat looking at the empty doorway for another thirty seconds before directing her attention to the papers in her hand. When she finished reading she picked up her phone.
"Beck."
"Shields," she replied. "Are you busy? I'd like to discuss something with you."
"You've caught me at a good time. Shall I come up or will you be coming down here?"
"Why don't you come here," she suggested.
"I'll be there in a few."
While she waited for Chris to arrive, Irene cleared the round table in the corner and placed the papers from Annie there.
Chris walked in with two cups. He placed one in front of Irene.
"Decaf, sugar, no cream," he told her.
"Thank you, that was very thoughtful of you," she noted.
"You sounded as if you might need a small stress reliever."
Irene smiled. "I might. Right now I'm trying to work through this and whether or not we should be concerned."
"Something to do with Mark?"
She nodded.
"Ok, fill me in."
She pointed to the paper on the table. "Why don't you read this and give me your honest impression? You know Mark better than I do. You've spent more time with him, I'd like your input before I talk to anyone else."
"Anyone else like who?"
"Annie thought Melody might have questions and I believe she's correct in that assessment," she informed him.
"Okay then. That sounds serious," Beck observed.
"It might be, but I'm not convinced."
"Which is why you want my thoughts. Then I suppose I'd better read."
"You do that, I'll work on something else. Let me know when you're done."
Chris nodded and began to read. Before long he was chuckling, then laughing and shaking his head. A moment later he was so quiet Irene turned to check on him. He sat holding the paper just looking at it.
"Are you alright?" Irene inquired.
He looked up at her. "Yes, it just hit me again how much I miss his ridiculous sense of humor and I wish I could be there for him. I honestly don't see anything of concern here. He's aware that isolation can cause issues and he's aware that this 'interview' could come across as concerning. It just reads to me as Mark being Mark though. It's like one of his recordings he made for YouTube. It shows that he's aware of his situation and of the many things that might go wrong. If it weren't for the language, which is understandable considering the stress he's under, and well, it's Mark and that's just him, I'd say we release the whole thing. Maybe we still could with a warning. We'd have to check with him first. What do you think?"
"I wasn't sure. It didn't immediately concern me, as you said I think it shows his awareness of his situation. I'll advise Melody that we'll just keep an eye on his logs as he uploads them and his answers to further questions and I'll email him, maybe tease him a bit," she said with a wink.
Chris laughed. "Oh, you have to. Please do!"
I have an email from Irene. I don't want to read it.
Mark,
We received your answer to the last question and your "interview" with Mars. I think maybe we should set aside a day or two, or maybe more to have a nice long discussion.
Irene Shields
Damn it! I knew it! And she sent another message. I'd bet this one is the time I should be in the rover to "talk."
Mark,
Just kidding! I think you might be more concerned about your sanity than anyone here. You seem to be handling things as well as anyone possibly could in your circumstances. Don't forget I am here to talk if you ever need to, or you could message Dr. Beck.
Irene Shields
What the hell doc? Funny, very funny. So I'm not crazy yet, okay good. I'm even sane enough that she's teasing me about being crazy. This is so weird.