Chapter 25
"You know, I was afraid you were going to take offense to what I said earlier…," Rory began, as they strolled down the little path by the parking lot that led them towards the creek, wanting to sober up a little more before they drove home.
"I'm my own worst critic," Logan shrugged, not waiting around for her to finish her sentence.
"Well, that's very mature of you," Rory commented, sounding a little surprised. In her experience people like Logan, if she could even still say that as there were very few she'd met that were exactly like him, but rather people of his class didn't like being criticized much; not for their ethics, not for their parenting, not for their behavior or spending. She knew that well from her years of working at Chilton. It wasn't the first time she'd had to sit down with parents and have a talk about someone's kids and suggest that maybe they weren't doing such a great job at it.
"Trust me, I'm not perfect. But let's just say that the person giving the criticism has something to do with it," Logan chimed, cheekily.
They'd spent another hour at the bar, talking, both about various situations either had encountered with their children, and good and bad examples of their own stories, growing up. And all things considered, they'd spend a good amount of time laughing rather than complaining or telling sob-stories. Rory did understand him a little better as a result, but there was a long way to go.
"Aw...," Rory chimed, loving the way his hand touched the small of her back every now and then. It was affectionate, but so effortless coming from him.
"I appreciate honesty. Growing up… and later… there haven't been a lot of people in my life, besides my sister, who've dared to be all honest with me," Logan said, recalling how he struggled even getting the truth out of Whitney on more than one occasion. Thinking back, he wasn't even truly sure he had known the real her, but regardless of that the amount of guilt he felt towards Whitney felt like an enormous weight on his shoulders. Logan steered his mind away from Odette, not wanting to think about the number of times she'd lied to him over the years.
"Well, honestly is all you get from me, Mister," Rory joked, feeling a little intoxicating. She was definitely more drunk than he was, having had not one but two shots of tequila on top of her beer. But Rory had no intention of driving back, having trusted that to Logan from the get go.
"Well, good," Logan replied.
"Can I ask you another thing?" Rory inquired, having through the night had her attention drawn to that ring on his finger.
"So that ring that you wear, not that I have a problem with it, what's the story there? And you can always just not share, if you don't want to… I won't take offense, I promise," Rory replied.
"Ah, this…," Logan said, looking down on his ring ringer. He tended to forget he still had that one, it having been there closer to two decades. He sighed audibly.
"Like I said - you don't have to. I'm just curious by nature," Rory tried to put it lightly.
"It's my wedding ring from my first marriage," Logan explained.
"It must still mean a lot to you. And that's okay," Rory chimed, but insisted then, wanting to assure him that she wasn't going to demand anything of him.
"It's complicated, I guess. We married so young, or at least she was very young. We didn't even really have a chance to get to know each other before kids came along. And even during the marriage we never knew enough about each other. I just feel like she sacrificed her life for me, sort of. She put her own life on hold, even if she barely seemed to mind. I think she would've minded eventually though as she was intelligent, and she just gave all that up for me. I know that that was what my 'wife' was supposed to do according to my parents, but still, it never felt right. I think my parents persuaded her to not fight it, you know. I don't know with what, or how, but I can guarantee it was messy. And in the end… I mean she died giving me my son. She gave me two wonderful kids, regardless of whether my feelings towards her exceeded caring and friendship or not. And later… because I am sure the kids got a sense of us not being too warm, like for example, I had a real odd way of grieving for her. Nothing I'm proud of, but essentially just jumping back into the game straight away, distracting myself…," Logan continued.
Rory could imagine what he'd meant by the latter.
"And later as time passed, the kids asked about the ring and for a while it was kind of stuck, too… funnily. Because they missed her dearly, and I hadn't been the best dad at that point, I just felt like it would somehow diminish her memory. And I didn't want Theo and Liam to think I thought less of her or that I didn't appreciate everything she'd sacrificed for me, for us. So, the ring… it's just been there, along for the journey, telling my kids how I have the utmost respect for their mother," Logan revealed.
"Wow, that's actually kind of beautiful," Rory replied, the answer having been deeper than she'd anticipated.
"By now, I think it's more about the fear of what they'd do or say once I do take it off. I don't want to cause a problem," Logan added.
"It's beautiful, but at the same time…," Rory couldn't keep the comment to herself. "Kind of sad too. I'm sorry you're carrying around so much guilt," she added.
"Yeah, well… that's my baggage," Logan exhaled.
Rory wanted to say that none of that was his fault, but she couldn't, not knowing every detail of what had happened. But mostly she just saw a man trapped by his own guilt now. There were a lot of things he did because of guilt, having heard him mention it more than once by now. The way he was with his kids, the way he embraced the memory of his late wife - just to name a few.
"Well, we all have baggage," Rory replied.
"So, what's yours?" Logan inquired, wanting to not feel as depressed as a result of their conversation.
"Well, growing up, a big goal for me was always getting into a great school, college… career was always the priority. Mostly because my mother gave up her chance at that route by having me so young. She did fine, but it was almost like I was supposed to fill her shoes or do what she never got to do. You know - have a normal mother-daughter relationship, where she'd end up resenting me for it," Rory explained, adding the last sentence fully jokingly, recalling how her mother had put it more than once.
"But you did do well, didn't you? You got into Chilton, Yale..," Logan replied.
"Chilton, yes. With Yale - I mean, I like to think I got in on my own. I did get into other Ivy League schools too," Rory said, not bothering to list them out, not wanting to sound douchey. "But my grandfather was an alumnus and he did get me a meeting with the dean of admissions my senior year, so… despite everything, there's always that little bit of doubt in me about that," Rory explained.
"I can guarantee I got in because of my name, if it makes you feel any better," Logan said, holding up his palms as a sign of apology.
"With my mom and me, everything was always about doing things ourselves, making our own money and earning our own respect and achievements, not doing shortcuts. And whether I like it or not my shortcuts began with my grandparents helping my mom pay for Chilton, then for a few years they also paid for Yale… then grad school, my living expenses also when my first career didn't pan out. So, I've utilized them more than I'd like to admit," Rory explained. "Hell, I wouldn't have this place, nor my house in Harford if it wasn't for them," she added.
"And I just felt awful after trying to do what I always set out to do after graduating," Rory shared.
"And that was?" Logan inquired, despite knowing bits and pieces from googling her a while back. She'd also mentioned Christiane Amanpour once, but Logan didn't fault himself for not remembering every word.
"Foreign correspondent, I guess. Or just a traveling correspondent of some kind," Rory shared, adding a friendly - "Remember, I told you?"
"Right, I remember," Logan agreed.
"So, you wanted to be on TV or just a big well-known reporter?" Logan inquired.
"Being on TV had nothing to do with it. I just wanted to see things, experience things. But like one of my boyfriends once pointed out… I was far too sheltered to cover anything with actual conflict in it, so…," Rory said, sounding disappointed but accepting of her past.
"You ever try it? I mean, maybe you were just scared?" Logan said, feeling like Rory was a lot braver than she gave herself credit for.
"What? Correspondence job?" Rory reflected. "I mean, I did the Obama campaign. There were some rallies and stuff.," she added.
"But like foreign correspondence. I don't know, like covering Kiev during the conflict or something?" Logan inquired, not getting the timeline quite right.
"Oh, no," Rory chimed, adding - "I had Corinne by then so, no."
"Right," Logan replied.
"I did some foreign stories. Conference coverages, some interviews with writers, Naomi Shropshire, for example," Rory shared.
"Oh, wow…," Logan laughed.
"You know her?" Rory asked, curiously.
"Thankfully not, but I know of her," Logan continued.
"Yeah, she was definitely the one to have the hangover medicine ready the next morning," Rory replied.
"I bet," Logan chimed.
"I did a few little things for the New Yorker, Slate, the Atlantic, but I just… I was never the one to shine consistently," Rory explained.
"Had I known you back then, I wish I could've helped," Logan replied.
"Yeah," Rory chimed, not too seriously.
"But I bet you would've had too much pride to accept help, right?" Logan said.
"Probably," Rory replied.
"It's another thing I find strange, you know… that we never ran into each other in those, though broad, circles. Even back when I was still working in the US… My dad had papers all over the country, I am sure I would've noticed you," Logan replied, flirtingly.
"Well, bygones are hardly something to regret when you've got beautiful children as a result of the alternate outcome," Rory replied, smilingly.
"I know," Logan agreed, despite feeling already that he felt more for her than he had for the other women in his life. He just knew that his life, his own personal life, would've been a lot healthier and happier, had he known her at least in some capacity. Being around her just left him feeling energized and positive like never before.
"Oh, I did do an internship at the Stanford Eagle Gazette," Rory pointed out, having nearly forgotten about it, sensing him having gone all quiet.
"But that's one of ours!" Logan recognized the name. "At least it was," he added.
"Yeah, but I never saw the place beyond the copy room and the coffee machine, so," Rory shrugged, having truly gotten the lowest internship position available, after having begged for it.
They stopped at a small wooden bridge, Logan wrapping his arms around her hips.
"You know, I liked talking like this today…," he chimed.
"I like not talking, too," Rory wanted to assure him, and gently pushed herself up to her toes to kiss him. His arms held her tightly, wanting to feel as close as possible to her.
"Whatever this is, Rory… I'm so glad to have met you this summer," Logan replied, feeling more than he was expressing. He just couldn't be sure what the whole of his emotions was, and whether or not it was just the contrast of what he'd experienced back in London. He wasn't ready to say it, despite feeling so much. He was scared too.
"Me too," Rory said, kissing him again.