Chapter one: The outcast
My earliest memories.
The other kids stared at me like I was a monster, or they ignored me.
I felt numb most of the time, at other times however, I felt angry, frustrated, abandoned, left alone. Rejected.
Some even bullied me. At times if found it only inconvenient, but sometimes I wanted to kill them for it. They shoved me, kicked me, pulled away the chair I tried to sit on, threw tiny paper balls at me by pushing them through straws, vandalized my desk, called me stupid names like Creep, Scarface, Monster, Demon, basement dweller who never saw the sun, "stop blinding me with your pale skin", "do you even know that the outside exists", and I hated their braindead remarks and all the crap they pulled on me. Everything of it. But I did not know how to react. I just let them go on with their stupid actions and never showed my anger, or even the tiniest bit of reaction to them, because that is exactly what they would have liked to see. But the anger simmered inside me all the time.
They disliked my pale skin, the scar that ran from my left cheek to the top of my forehead, and that I did not act like others did, I rarely showed much emotion.
And one time, when they tried to steal my Homework and my schoolbooks, I could no longer take it. What if my mother noticed? I hated that thought fiercely, I was very much afraid of her retaliation and I did not know what to do.
I lashed out.
I beat them up.
Hard.
Then I told them in a cold and hateful voice: "Never ever try this again! Next time I will gut you like a fish, you pieces of garbage! Remember that!"
Oh, and I remembered that if they snitched on me and told the teachers, I would get into huge trouble.
So I also told them, with mothers menacing smile and unsettling off pitch voice melody, that if they ever told a teacher, they would bear …the consequences.
They left me alone completely afterwards, but they never stopped staring at me when they thought I would not notice. They were scared of me, and everyone else just shunned and avoided me, or sent me nervous glances.
You Cowards! Assholes ! Fuck you, I am a human too, not some wild animal in the zoo!
If you left me alone, I would have left you alone too. But no, you were stupid, and I had to beat you up, now live with it!
Why couldn't I be one of you? I would have like to have friends!
My only friend actually, was that black and white stray kitten. When school was over, I got to the spot where she hung out most of her time, and I petted her for as long as she wanted, and told her about all those mean people. But you were not one of them, you were my only friend in this cold and harsh world.
I hoped to be with you for a long time, you're the only one I care for-…not that is not the truth. I am worried for father too. But I couldn´t help him. It is just how it is, and I shove down my worries, I just can't bear them…
I also told my father about the things that happened in school. My father wanted to help me. But could not do anything for me…
He was afraid of Mother. So am I, Father, so am I.
Mother….the less said about her, the better.
Thinking about her makes me shiver.
On good days, she will be all cheerful, and happily cook dinner for us, and will smile at me (but it makes me feel dread, not joy) and tell me that my worries will end, once I find my senpai, and that I should do anything in order to get him.
But even then, being near her feels like walking on eggshells.
If I interrupt her, when she is with Father, then she will immediately act like on her bad days. She will glare at me, call me mean and ill-behaved for stealing her precious time with her senp-husband, and will generally act like everything bad that is happening is someone else's fault, never hers.
On her bad days, she will also furiously chop the ingredients for dinner, and stay with father all the time and send me away. Oh and that is not the worst…sometimes she lashes out and-…
MAKE IT STOP! NOOO! PLEASE!
…
Thinking about this is a very bad Idea. I needed to calm myself down with slow and steady exhales and inhales, and was still shaking for a while. After school I petted my feline friend, it was a relief.
Life went on like this. I never got any friends, all the people around me were mindless morons and imbeciles, and the teachers ignored me unless I misbehaved.
One day mother taught me how to clean up blood. She actually helped me. Usually she just rambled on and on, of how finding my senpai will be my salvation. I just don´t know, is that "Senpai" going to calm you and make you happy like a purring cat or what? I just can't imagine how that is going to happen. But never question Mother, or else…
Cleaning up Blood could be useful, if ever one of the Idiots took it too far…but that must never happen, ever!
This is only an emergency option. I am really scared of this scenario, what if someone was crazy enough and bothered me and never let me go, despite multiple warnings, would I have to resort to something…ugly…, something …. Drastic, nasty and dirty…Would I have to?
Well, thankfully these Imbeciles, these braindead people, are actually smart enough to leave me mostly alone. That is a relief.
Life dragged on like this. Oh, my cat, you were my only friend here.
I would never ever take you home, if mother knew-
No!
No. Thinking about this is no good!
I needed to think something else…
Hobbies. My hobbies. What are they.
Well, I don't have any friends, so socializing is out of the equation.
Actually I like to spend me free time in nature, away from the people. And away from Mother.
And I like books. And cooking. But I rarely have the opportunity to cook, because then I would have to be at home, where my Mother is…
I like to draw things at times too, most of the time I draw kittens and flowers, and sometimes I draw angry people too.
Yeah, there is little I can do.
At least Father does not hate me, even if he can´t do anything for me. Sometimes I am angry at him for not helping me, but I always remember how little he can do for me, and that it is not his choice, that he is just completely helpless and not on his own volition. Then I calm down again. At least I try my best to do so.
By now I had almost become an adult. Hmm, soon I can get away from mother. That sound good!
Today was one of mother's good days again. She returned from work all cheerful and humming, made dinner for us and proclaimed that I would go to a prestigious post high school named Akademi.
Despite being an outcast, I have good grades because I study a lot, so it is nice that this now helps me.
I felt a foolish hope rise inside myself. Maybe I could get friends at Akademi? New school, new chances? Just maybe? Maybe I can be friends with someone just for once. Thar would be so nice!
But no, don´t hope, DON'T HOPE! Hope is foolish, it will get Crushed! I hoped everytime I graduated to the next school, that I would make friends there and It never worked. No, don´t hope, just try, without expecting too much. Just try.
My good mood did not last.
You see, my cat,… she got older and slower. And one sad day, when I went to her favourite spot she was just lying there, cold and motionless, she was dead. She was Dead!
She was just…gone.
My only friend, the one I told about my lonely schooldays, about all the cute flowers I found outside, and the books I read, the one who let me pet her and purred, and gifted me dead mice, she was just gone!
I was just devastated.
I never cried as much, as I cried on this horrible day. Usually I don't cry, because I must never show weakness to people, they are like nasty hyenas and mercilessly prey on you the moment you show any weakness.
I went home, and told father about what had happened and hugged him tightly.
Mother be damned, I really needed this.
Thankfully she came how later than usual that day.
Father could actually help me for once. He gave me ideas and practical tips on how to get friends at Akademi, and this finally gave me new hope and consoled me.
Nonetheless I cried myself to sleep that night.
I also dug my cat a grave and put a lone white flower on it.
When the first day at Academi finally came, I was prepared. I let my hair cover the scar on my face and put the friendliest expression on my face that I could reasonably muster. Not too much, because that would be obviously fake, but enough to look approachable and not fake.
And then for the very first time of my life, someone approached me without having to, just on their own volition.
Just one Person, but this was still amazing.
Her name is Oka Ruto.
She is interested in anything paranormal and the occult and thinks I am unusual.
Whatever, I just love talking to a friendly human. I never really believed those actually existed.
Well my father counts, but I always thought that friendly humans are just mere stories, like fairy tales.
Now I have found one. However Oka is timid and shy, and I need to be as gentle and non-threatening to her as I can.
By looking friendly, moving slowly and having peaceful body language I can achieve that well. It is just like how I made sure that my cat never got afraid of me. Actually she reminds me of a kitten, because of how shy, small and timid she is. I feel a strong desire to protect her.
My dear cat, just thinking about her made me teary eyed again.
Eventually I told Oka Ruto about my cat and how people disliked me.
Turns out, Oka and I have much in common.
She likes cats, reading and solitude too, and is ignored by people too, they think she is creepy and they stay away from her. And her Parents have a Business where they offer customer services like exorcism, hand readings, spiritual advice and other things, and Oka wants to prove to other people that supernatural things actually exist.
She dislikes violence, gossip and memes.
Once I told her that I know of real demons, and secretly pointed with my fingers at the bullies at Akademi. She just shook her head and said that only the Basu sisters are real supernatural beings, one is a vampire and the other one is a Succubus.
But the bullies are much more likely to cause harm, aren't they?
Nah, they are not supernatural, yeah I know, you´re right, they are just the manifestation of typical human assholery.
You know, if there are good things in life, there are many bad things which usually outweigh the good things, and at Akademi this is no different.
Not only did the bullies try to harass me, luckily I could end that by "kindly" telling them to leave me the fuck alone and not vandalize my desk, but there are other people who hate me too.
No, it's not the braindead bystanders. It´s not even the teachers.
Its that fucking student council! Screw them all!
The way they look at me like I am a wild animal, or a criminal, with so much suspicion, and mutter "Hmm", whenever they pass me by while they patrol the hallways…
Especially the blue haired one with the eyepatch, she would fit in as a criminal herself, with how threateningly she walks and glares.
WHY CAN`T THEY JUST LEAVE ME BE?
I could strangle them! But unfortunately the carry pepper spray, and I don't actually want to murder anyone, not only is it a really disgusting thought, I would also conform to their abysmal expectations of me, so they would be right with their harsh judgement of me, and lastly I really want to stay friends with Oka chan.
The way they think of themselves to be above me, and the other people, and that they are in the right and virtuous and good…It disgusts me!
Especially that blueish-platin haired snobby Bitch, Megami Saikou, she is a heiress of the Saikou Company, lucky you!
Were you pampered in luxury and groomed to perform your duties for you company in the future?
You never know how being me feels like, do you?
Do you know how it is to have crazy Parents?
Do you even know how it feels like to be lonely? To be bullied, to be hated?
Do you ever wonder how other people think and feel?
At least you don't patrol the hallways as much as other people.
But while everyone thinks you are perfect, I know otherwise, you are no better than me, are you?!
Bah.
Forget about that Bitch. She is not worth my time.
At least I have someone, someone in this could, stupid and unforgiving world.
My father and Oka chan, now that is something that makes me happy.
School was uneventful for most of the first year, but then, with my shitty luck, crap went down again…when can I ever catch a break…